Chapter 10 #3
I could see just how much she’d changed physically with her face just inches from mine.
She wasn’t seventeen anymore, she was a woman, twenty-two, an age I never thought she’d get to see.
She’d gained a few more freckles on her face and the scar above her eye was now a pale line fracturing her eyebrow.
Shiloh’s eyes were just as mesmerizing, just as bottomless, like if I fell into the pools of autumn colors I’d free-fall for the rest of time.
And the emotions she tried to mask with her cold stare, just as jarring and magnetic.
There was a connection between us, something that made it impossible to ignore her, and like it did almost five years ago, I couldn’t pull myself out of her orbit.
I drew in a breath. Fucking finally. I moved to pull her into a hug, equally relieved and enraged, but she released my arm and put several feet between us.
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
I blinked, stunned momentarily by her question.
“Really? What the fuck am I doing here?” I asked, pointing at myself with disbelief.
She crossed her arms, her face an apathetic mask.
“Shiloh—”
“Don’t call me that,” she hissed.
“Okay, sorry,” I held my hands up with a shake of my head. “Emory, I just spent the last, hell, I dunno, eighteen or something hours, wondering if you were still breathing. Why the hell did you block my number?”
She licked her lips, her nostrils flaring like she was the one who was pissed off. She shrugged.
I scoffed, drawing in a deep breath, my hands clenching at my sides. “You couldn’t have just answered one of my calls or texts first?”
“I had nothing to say,” she shrugged. “I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. I was there to answer some questions and say goodbye, and I did. There’s no reason for you to be freaking the fuck out on me here.”
I adjusted my cap on my head, struggling to keep my emotions in check.
“You had nothing…Shi-Emory, I had every reason to be ‘freaking the fuck out’, dammit. In the state that you left my place in, knowing that you had hurt yourself…The last time I saw you, the last time you walked away from me, I believed you had killed yourself. So, yes, I had every reason to be ‘freaking the fuck out’. I care about you. You have to know that, right?”
She shifted her weight, and her gaze dropped to the floor. This woman, this infuriating woman. Fuck’s sake.
“I’m not your problem to worry about. We’re not…We’re strangers, Enoch.”
I closed the distance between us and tipped her chin up so that she met my gaze. Just feeling her skin on my fingertips sent my pulse skittering. I couldn’t look away. I didn’t want to.
Why did it feel like I was fighting just to get her to believe that I cared? That my heart could still love her. Like she hadn’t profoundly changed my life.
“We’re not strangers. I know you. I know you, in here,” I said, tapping her chest. “No amount of time will change that. I thought…I thought we were on the same page here. I thought you wanted to reconnect. But if that’s not the case, then please…
put me out of my misery here. Because I won’t do this again.
I won’t—” My voice cracked and I tried to blink away the burn of tears.
Fuck, get yourself together. “I won’t survive losing you again.
So, if you’re not able to trust me with the truth, or if you’re going to pull away and leave me wondering if you’re still breathing…
I need you to tell me right now. Tell me to walk away before I break. ”
There was a long pause, my breath held as I searched her face for a sign of what she was thinking. My stomach was tensed with anticipation, like I was standing on a ledge about to plummet.
My eyes caught her fingers flexing, digging into her biceps where her arms were crossed.
I just wanted to hold her, but I wasn’t going to dive in without some sign that she wasn’t going to be the death of me first. I had next to no self-preservation when it came to Shiloh, but what little I did have knew that if we didn’t get on the same page, I wouldn’t make it out alive when she broke my heart.
“I do trust you,” she finally said. “I-I just…” Her gaze flicked somewhere over my shoulder as she struggled to find her words.
“I’m scared, Enoch. I’m fucking scared, and I don’t want to make the wrong choice and hurt you in the process.
This.” She gestured between our chests, “Us. It’s dangerous, Enoch.
I’m not good for you. You will get hurt.
I’ve already hurt you, and I’ve been back in your life for a day.
This will not end well for you. I’m begging you, please. Just move on.”
I watched her hazel eyes bounce around the room until they finally landed on mine. I drew my hand up, resting it against her cheek, my thumb gently brushing the dark circles under her eye. She shivered beneath my touch. I could see how worn she looked, like she hadn’t slept all night either.
“The only way you could hurt me is by walking away from me again without saying goodbye,” I said softly.
“I—”
I shook my head, placing a hand on her hip. I resisted the urge to dig my fingers into her flesh. I needed to feel her. Give myself some reassurance that she was still real, that she was still alive, that she was here with me, that she was still mine.
My heart stuttered at the thought. Mine. That’s what I wanted wasn’t it? I wanted her to be mine.
“Look me in the eyes and tell me honestly that you don’t want this, that you don’t want to see where this goes. That you want nothing to do with me. That you don’t have any feelings for me. That you don’t imagine a future where were close again, where I’m yours.”
She huffed, closing her eyes for a moment before blinking up at me, that fear and something else still clear as day in her stare.
“I can’t do that,” she whispered.
It was my turn to sigh. The corner of my mouth picked up. I gave silent praise to God. There was hope yet for our future.
“Now can I please hold you? Just for minute. I just…I need to feel you’re alive.”
She bit her lip again with hesitation before nodding. I smiled, unable to contain the high I was on after the hours of agony I’d been in since yesterday.
She uncrossed her arms as I tucked her to my chest, letting my arm snake around her back to pull her flush against my body.
With a hand behind her head, holding her to me, I couldn’t stop my fingers from seeking out the pulse point on her neck.
The fast rhythm drumming beneath my thumb gave me the relief I needed to finally release the tension that had coiled in every part of my body since she left my house yesterday.
A tap-tap on the door had Shiloh stepping out of my embrace much too soon just as the door opened.
“You’re—Oh!” Shiloh put several more feet between us and shot an awkward smile at whoever was at the door. “Sorry, I didn’t realize,” I turned around to face the blonde woman standing in the doorway, “you had company. Wait…I recognize you.”
In a heartbeat, the woman was across the room, standing hand in hand with Shiloh, putting the desk between us. It was that same woman I’d seen open the gym this morning. What’s her name, again?
“You’re the guy who harassed Emory. You need to leave.” She gave me a harsh glare, squeezing Shiloh’s hand in a protective manor.
My mind blanked and I stared at Shiloh. What the fuck was I going to say?
“There’s been a misunderstanding. I’m not harassing her. Truly,” I said earnestly, putting my hands up in a placating gesture.
Shiloh squeezed the woman’s arm, “He’s telling the truth, Lottie. It was just a misunderstanding.”
Lottie. I sealed the name in my memory. She seemed important to Shiloh with how protective she was.
Lottie turned to face Shiloh, holding her arms as she looked in her eyes. “Em?”
“I’m serious,” Shiloh nodded with a smile. “He’s harmless and we’re good here.”
Lottie flicked her eyes over me warily, clearly unconvinced.
“Do you know him?” She asked skeptically.
“Um, yeah,” Shiloh replied.
Lottie pressed her lips into a tight line. “Well, we’re waiting for you to get the meeting started. Are you guys almost done here?”
“Yeah, I was just about to head out,” I said with a short wave. “I’ll talk to you later, Emory. Nice meeting you, Lottie.”
Walking back to my car it all hit me. The exhaustion. The emotional fatigue.
I could hear Jae telling me I was stupid for holding onto hope that Shiloh was going to change her mind about us. He’d say it was reckless getting involved with her knowing the amount of baggage that Shiloh carried.
But I’d rather take a bath in boiling oil than walk away from Shiloh when she needed me. Or maybe I needed her too.
That’s what it meant to love someone, wasn’t it? To have someone to weather the storm with, someone to remind you that it wouldn’t always be this hard, someone to be the light in the middle of your darkest days and nights.
I wanted to be that someone for Shiloh.
I wanted us to be that for each other.
I’d be lying to myself if I said I didn’t still love her.
As crazy as it sounded, there was an inexplicable connection between Shiloh and I and it wasn’t a coincidence that are paths crossed again. I wasn’t going to waste this second chance God had granted us.
June 28, Sunday
Emory
Lottie tiptoed to the door peering round the corner for several seconds before spinning on her heel and pinning me with her blue eyes.
“The hell, Emory? You said you didn’t know him?”
My mouth parted, my brain slowly trying to come up with an explanation.
“I…he’s my…my ex,” I stumbled.