Chapter 18 #3
“I’m here for three years, minimum. And maybe by then I’ll be ready to get out.”
I raised a brow. “Out of the military?”
Enoch shrugged. “Yeah. I mean, I don’t know yet if I want to do a full twenty to retire or not.
But three years from now is a long ways away.
Right now, I’m not going anywhere. And even if I do stay in, even if I do get moved from Anchorage, that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t still be your boyfriend.
Hell, if I have it my way, you’ll be my wife by then. ”
My stomach flipped and a moment of excitement fluttered against my ribcage. Stop getting your hopes up, Shiloh. He doesn’t know what he’s getting himself into.
“What about your future? Are you going to be in Anchorage forever?”
“I don’t know,” I said honestly.
“Exactly. The only thing we can both agree on is that we’re together right now and we will cross those bridges if or when we come to them.”
I stared at him for a moment, wondering how the hell we got to this point.
“But Jae was right,” I finally said. “We barely know each other. We were together for a few months in high school. We were kids, Enoch. How do you know you want to claim me forever after some school-crush nearly five years ago?”
Enoch’s jaw ticked with indignation, and I regretted belittling our connection in high school to a school crush.
“Shiloh, I’ve felt inexplicably connected to you from the moment that we met.” He paused, looking over my shoulder for a moment. “Do you know what your name means?”
I raised a brow, confused as to where he was going with his line of questioning. “It means peace or something.”
Fucking ironic, considering I haven’t felt at peace a day in my damn life.
“Yes, tranquility. Something I feel whenever you’re with me.
” I rolled my eyes, and Enoch tugged my braid, silently telling me to knock it off.
“There’s another poetic meaning to your name in Hebrew.
” He searched my eyes for understanding before continuing.
“It’s said to be used to describe the coming of the Messiah, Jesus.
Some say it means His gift, God’s gift. You are my gift.
God crossed our paths five years ago, and He made sure that we found our way back to each other. ”
“And you think, I’m a gift? Me?” I blinked with disbelief.
“Yes. I do.”
Why does every man that’s ever wanted me have to claim that I’m their gift from God? And why do I like it when Enoch says it?
“Enoch, I dropped a bomb on you guys. Did you not hear a word I said? You’re acting like it’s normal to be kissing and dating a murderer.”
Enoch huffed, his hand releasing my braid to hold the back of my neck.
“No, I’m not acting like it’s fucking normal to have killed someone, Shiloh.
I’m fucking…” his mouth thinned into a tight line, and he took a deep breath.
“I’m fucking livid. I am livid that you had to go through that and so much more.
I am livid that I cannot make this go away, that I cannot change the past, that I cannot go back in time, that I cannot take this guilt away from you, that you have to live with the consequences of the darkest time in your life. I. Am. Livid. Shiloh.”
I swallowed, biting down hard into my cheek. Enoch’s hands cupped my face, and he stared me down.
“But don’t think for a second that any damn thing you did working for those evil fuckers will make me see you as any less than the fiercest, most resilient woman.”
My eyes pricked with tears and I rapidly blinked, blowing my breath up into my eyes as a deterrent. You will not fucking cry. You are not fucking weak.
“Do you understand me?” he implored, his brown eyes boring into mine.
“I don’t give a fuck how many people you killed, how many crimes you committed, how many fucked-up things you did.
I. Don’t. Care. I want all the pieces of you.
The fucked-up ones, the broken ones, the messy ones, the ones you don’t want anyone else to see…
they’re all beautiful. And they’re all mine. You. Are. Mine.”
My nails dug into the fabric of my bike shorts, an attempt to distract myself from admitting that I wanted his words to be the truth. That I wanted someone to love every piece of me. That I wanted Enoch to love every piece of me.
I forced another deep breath in through my nose, successfully staving off the tears.
“So, you’re my boyfriend.”
Enoch smiled smugly, the anger gone from his eyes. His mouth sealed against mine for a kiss. “Yes. I’m yours.”
My heart fluttered in my chest, and I tried to shut down the part of my brain that was screaming at me to not believe a word he said. I could run with a hypothetical scenario a little longer. Pretend for another minute that we could be a normal couple.
“What exactly does that entail?”
His brows creased. “What do you mean?”
“Like,” I sighed, pulled out of his hold and sitting back on my heels. “Like, what are the expectations here?”
“Monogamy?” His drawled out. “I mean,” he shook his head, “that’s not a question. I definitely expect monogamy. I don’t think I understand what you’re asking.”
I licked my lips, my eyes wandering to the windows behind the couch that overlooked the neighborhood. I watched a family of birds fly across the street.
“Are you talking about sex?” Enoch asked, his hands moving to rest on my hips.
My cheeks flamed and I looked down at his face. He didn’t appear phased by the question, and I scolded myself for not being more a mature adult about the topic. I became heavily aware of the fact that I was sitting on his thighs, and it only made my face hotter. I swallowed.
“No, I wasn’t…that’s not what I…”
Enoch bit back a smile or maybe it was a laugh, and I threw my head back with a groan.
“Shy,” he said softly. “It’s okay.”
I rolled my eyes to myself before looking back down at him.
“I’m good with waiting,” Enoch said. “Seriously. I’ve never even had sex before…” My eyes widened with surprise. “So, if you’re saying sex is off the table right now, I’m okay with that.”
Great. I’m basically a whore and he’s a virgin. Is he waiting for marriage or…
“It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with you,” I paused, and he nodded for me to continue. “I just…I haven’t exactly had the best experience with it. And to get off I usually have to…”
“You usually…” he repeated.
My nose scrunched with discomfort. “Never mind. It’s too embarrassing.”
Enoch’s eyes lit up with curiosity and he smiled. “Well now I definitely want to know. Are you into something kinky?”
My hands shot up to cover my face. The humiliation too much to handle with his eyes on mine. “No.”
Enoch gently grasped my wrists, pulling my hands away from my face.
“You don’t have to tell me. But whatever it is I’m not going to judge you.”
I opened my eyes, looking up at him through my lashes.
I wasn’t about to tell him that I needed pain to orgasm, so I settled for a lesser truth.
“Is it weird that I fantasize about you when I…” I trailed off, my face on fire.
Enoch licked his lips, unable to contain the smile on his face. “You’re joking?”
I shook my head, my teeth painfully cutting into my cheek.
“Hell no. That’s not weird at all. I’m flattered that you think of me during your sexy time.”
I cringed, shaking my head. “Sexy time?”
Enoch chuckled. “Well, you seemed too embarrassed to say the word masturba–”
“Oh my gosh, shut up!” I screeched, using my hand to cover his mouth.
“What?” he asked with a muffled laugh through my palm.
“You’re so annoying,” I muttered, pulling my hand away from his mouth. “I wasn’t even trying to talk about sex, you horny shitbird.”
Enoch laughed again before smoothing his palms down my ribcage. “Sorry. Why don’t you tell me what your expectations are?”
I chewed my lip with thought. What did I expect from him?
“Um, monogamy is definitely non-negotiable. And I like kissing you, a lot.” He smirked and I couldn’t help but smile back.
“But I’m not ready for sex.” Enoch nodded and I continued.
“I guess I also want you to be honest with me. Like, if you change your mind about us or about me or whatever, if you just tell me right away, that would be nice.”
Enoch pinched my side, and I squirmed away from his touch.
“I told you. I’m not going to change my mind.”
I nodded, not willing to argue the point. “Okay. What…um, so, your turn.”
“Well, I think the kissing part is great,” I punched his shoulder, and he chuckled. “And honesty is good. I don’t want any secrets or lies.” My stomach tensed. “You are entitled to keep your past in the past, alright? I’m talking about now. I don’t want any secrets or lies about the present, okay?”
I nodded.
“And in the spirit of honesty, I have something to tell you.”
My hands fisted the hem of my shirt as I waited for him to continue.
“My family is coming to town at the end of the month. Like, everyone.”
Seb. A sharp pain shot through my chest.
Enoch studied my reaction, his fingers gently squeezing my sides.
“That means you’ll need to lay low for the time they’re in town. I’ll make sure to keep you posted on their whereabouts, but we probably shouldn’t see each other while they’re here.”
I nodded slowly, already regretting the fact that he would have to lie to his family for me.
“I feel bad,” I said.
Enoch scrunched his nose with a shake of his head. “No. Don’t be. It’s not like I’m not already lying to them about my own shit. They don’t know that I have a problem with alcohol. Or that I’m sober now.”
There were no words that I could give him to make the situation any better.
And maybe he didn’t want me to anyways. Instead, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his.
Enoch hummed with contentment against my mouth and his hands dropped down to my ass to pull me closer to his body.
My pulsed spiked. The kissing was good. Really good. But his hands on my body had me wishing I was normal. Wishing I wasn’t afraid he was going to touch me in the wrong place. Wishing I didn’t have to keep him from discovering all the ugly scars on my body.
His hands began sliding up the back of my shirt and I grasped his wrists, pulling his hands back above the fabric.
“Sorry,” he whispered against my mouth. He leaned his head away from mine and I shook my head, pulling his mouth back to mine.
“I didn’t say stop.” He chuckled, the sound vibrating my lips. “Just keep things above my clothes.”
“Okay,” Enoch agreed with a kiss. And this time he didn’t stop. His mouth chased mine with a rhythm that took my breath away. And for a moment I let myself believe that we would never end.