Chapter 20
Twenty
Enoch
My whole body was jittery, unable to sit still.
I thought a circuit broke in my brain after the first time we kissed, because, cheese and freaking rice, that was the highlight of my life.
I’d been on cloud nine ever since. And knowing that it was all her own desire that led to that moment left a permanent smile on my face.
She wants me. She wants me. She wants me.
And not as just a friend.
I’m completely screwed. There’s no going back now.
Shiloh was spending the night. Any night I got to fall asleep with her in my arms was the best night. And tonight was going to be no different.
I already cleaned the whole upstairs, prepped our dinner, worked out, showered, and endured a thirty-minute phone call with my mom who was trying to sort out whether or not they needed to book a hotel for their stay.
It wasn’t that I didn’t love talking to my parents, I loved them to death.
But hiding secrets was harder to do when the person who raised you could spot a lie from a thousand miles away.
We’d managed to sort out the sleeping arrangements for the whole family without needing to get a hotel.
It was already expensive enough for all them to fly out here, I didn’t want them to be inconvenienced by the cost of a hotel.
And being on cloud nine and not sharing why with my mom felt wrong.
I had to pretend like I wasn’t falling in love all over again with my first love.
I had to pretend like I wasn’t the happiest I’d been in years, like I wasn’t dying to share with her the truth.
That just thinking about Shiloh made me giddy, that she made me laugh, that she made my heart skip a beat every time she smiled.
And I knew it was insane. That it wasn’t normal for people to fall in love with someone so quickly. That it wasn’t normal for people to be so head over heels that they were willing to risk their own safety.
But fuck normal.
I knew what I had to lose, and I wasn’t going to lose her.
My phone rang out with an alert, and I fished it out of my pocket. I smiled at the security camera notification. She was here. Finally.
I raced down the stairs, making it before she had a chance to ring the doorbell. I swung the door open, not concealing the wide smile on my face and scooped her into my arms.
She shrieked with laughter as I spun her into the house, dropping her back on her feet only to bring her face up to mine.
“I missed you,” I said against her lips, relishing the way her kiss sent tingles across my body.
“I was just here the other day,” she chuckled.
I kissed her harder. “Too long.”
She wrapped her arms around my back, and I smiled.
I gave her one last kiss before pulling back enough to take her full form in.
She was in a pair of ripped jeans and a fitted t-shirt.
I smiled, hands snaking up her arms. I loved it when she showed her tattoos.
Loved the contrast of black ink against her pale skin and red hair.
She licked her lips, smiling at me. “I missed you too.”
I pulled her in for another kiss and hummed with contentment.
I never wanted to get used to this feeling. The butterflies, the rush of endorphins when she was in my arms. I never wanted to take these moments for granted.
“I love you.”
She smiled against my lips and pulled away.
I didn’t need her to say it back. I didn’t need the verbal confirmation to what I already knew to be true. If I waited patiently, I knew one day she’d say it.
“Food?” She asked, slipping out of her shoes.
I nodded, gesturing towards the stairs.
“I’m ready to eat my own arm,” she joked.
I chuckled, trying not to stare straight at her ass as she climbed the stairs in front of me. She clearly worked out. It was a feat of willpower not to slap it.
“What are we eating?” she asked, tossing her bag onto the couch.
“Jae made pasta.”
“Is he home?”
I shook my head, pulling open the refrigerator to retrieve the leftovers. “He’s been spending all his time at the gym. They’ve only got two and a half weeks to get it ready for opening.”
“Does he already have the staffed hired?”
“Yeah,” I said, serving up food into bowls. “You want salad?”
I looked up to find Shiloh’s nose scrunch in distaste.
“What?” I laughed. “You don’t like lettuce?”
She shook her head. “Not that kind. It’s like eating grass.”
“That’s fair.”
I skipped her portion of salad and placed her bowl in the microwave.
“Any other foods you don’t like?”
Her head tilted back and forth as she thought about it. “Seafood.”
“Like fish or clams?”
“Shellfish. They’re slimy and gross.”
“Yeah, I agree with you on that one.”
“What about you?” she asked.
“Raw fish, like sashimi,” I shivered in disgust. “Jae says I’m a freak of nature for not liking it, but I just can’t with the slimy and chewy texture. I liked cooked sushi though.”
She chuckled softly and nodded, “I’ve never had sashimi, but I’ll take your word for it.”
I pulled her food from the microwave and slid it across the island.
“You wanna grab us drinks?”
“Sure.”
I watched Shiloh from my periphery as I finished warming my food.
“What’s this?” she asked holding up a pitcher in my direction.
“Oh, iced tea and lemonade.”
She nodded, putting the pitcher back. “I think I’ll just do water. Is your fridge water fine?”
I nodded, opening up the cabinet with glasses for her. “I’ll take some too.”
I met her back at the island as we both took our seats.
“You want to bless the food?” I asked. She bit her lip, eyes cast down at her bowl.
“Sure. Um,” she cleared her throat, and I closed my eyes. “Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this meal. Please bless the hands that prepared it and help it to nourish our bodies, Amen.”
I nodded, my eyes popping open to send her a smile.
“I’m curious, have you been baptized? I know you—” Shiloh coughed, putting her glass back on the counter as she pounded her chest. “Oh my gosh, are you okay?”
She nodded, coughing, and cleared her throat. “Yeah. Um…I was baptized. Why?”
“Just thinking about the future.”
She quirked a brow, reaching for her fork. “The future? Like of my soul?”
I shrugged, digging into my own food. “Yeah. I mean, do you think that’s weird? I’m kinda serious about this idea of you and I being together. I’m not in this for something casual. I’m planning on forever.”
She blinked, turning her gaze back to her food. “I hate to break it to you, but I don’t think I’m going to Heaven.”
I spun in my chair to face her.
She rolled her eyes in my direction with an unamused expression. I squeezed her thigh, “God can read your heart. If you want to be forgiven, you just have to ask Him.”
She swallowed the food in her mouth and stared at me.
“Aren’t you tired of carrying the guilt?”
I wished I could read her mind, read what she was thinking as she continued to stare at me.
“What about repentance?” she challenged. “Consequences?”
I tilted my head in thought. “I think you’ve suffered enough consequences, Shiloh. And repentance just means you need to be sincere in your remorse, sincere when you ask for forgiveness. Which, I know you are, because you’re not out here actively seeking out people to kill.”
“You don’t know that,” she muttered.
I scoffed with amusement and rolled my eyes. “Shiloh. You’re not a serial killer, alright? You didn’t want to kill that man, right?”
“No. But…”
I let the silence settle until she spoke again.
“But the man I killed, he hurt me. He…” she sighed, fidgeting with her fork.
“I didn’t know until after I’d done it, but then I found out who I’d just killed, and Carlos said it was justice.
He said it was justice for what the man had done to me.
And now I can’t help but feel more guilty, not that he’s dead, but that I was reason he was killed.
I hated the man, and I’d wished for him to be hurt plenty of times before it actually happened.
But knowing that I was the reason for his death is what makes me feel sick. ”
If Carlos wasn’t already dead, I’d be wishing he was. That man was sick. Sick and evil.
“I’m sorry that he put you in that position,” I said, standing from my chair and wrapping my arm across her chest. I leaned down, giving her head a kiss and sighed.
“Feelings are complicated. You can feel guilty for your part in his death and still feel glad that he’s gone.
And neither of those things make you good or bad.
Feelings are just feelings. It’s what you do with them that matter. ”
“And what do I do with them? What do I do to deserve forgiveness?”
“You can’t do anything to change the fact that none of us, not even me, deserve forgiveness for any sins.
But, despite that, God still loves us. God still forgives us.
And we can choose to accept the forgiveness that He’s already given us.
It’s a gift. We don’t have to do anything to earn it except believe in Him and follow Him.
He’s given us a roadmap of how to be human.
We may never be perfect like Jesus was, but we can strive to be like Him.
Follow the commandments, follow God’s laws and that’s all we can do. Strive to be better every day.”
“Right,” she muttered. “Obedience.”
My lips pulled taught as I released her and studied her disappointment.
“I think you might find it helpful to speak with a pastor at my church.”
Her eyes narrowed at me. “Why?”
“I think maybe a pastor will be able to answer your questions with more clarity than I can give you.” She didn’t respond and I sat down, returning my attention to our meal. “Just something to think about.”
It suddenly dawned on me why she might be reluctant.
“Wait, is that a problem with WITSEC, to talk to someone?”
“It was.”
My brows furrowed. “Was?”
Her face scrunched with trepidation. My pulse picked up at Shiloh’s unnerving non-answer.
“What is it?”
“I’m not actually in WITSEC anymore?”
“Wha-wha-I-whe…huh?” I couldn’t even get a coherent question out of my mouth.