Chapter 32 #2
I stared at the calendar on the wall, counting backwards again.
Thirty-seven days. Thirty-seven days since Enoch walked back into my life. The last week of my calendar was void of my numbering, since I wasn’t home to count the days since I left Eden.
Was this a sign I should stop counting? Was it finally time for me to break the fucking habit? Or was I just switching to a new obsession?
Thirty-seven days with Enoch.
Seven days free from self-harm.
“Em? You there?”
I cleared my throat, focusing in on the sound of Cole’s voice ringing out from my phone’s speaker.
“Yeah. Sorry. Um, I’ll get back to you, okay?”
“Yeah. No worries. I’ll keep the slot open for you.”
My stomach tensed with nerves. Why did it feel like I was doing something wrong, when getting a tattoo was different from cutting myself?
“Let me know if you change your mind about anything and want anything changed.”
I nodded before realizing he couldn’t see me.
“It’s perfect,” I said, looking down at the design he’d emailed me.
Black raven. Broken bird cage covered in vines and flowers.
And the carrion, an animal with its heart ripped out and in the raven’s mouth.
And the one detail I’d added since Enoch came back—a tag on the raven’s foot that read 0620, the day I left Eden and the day Enoch came back to me.
What were the odds that the very day I dreaded each year, the one that reminded me how much my heart was still beating while I felt dead inside, was also the day that the person I’d been clinging onto like a life raft for the last three years showed up in my life again.
Right when I was getting ready to end it all.
Right when I was sure I’d had enough, sure I couldn’t hold on any longer, he had to come and fuck up my plans.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah, sorry. Just tired. Um, I’ll let you know tomorrow if I can make it or not.”
My phone started vibrating and my lips twitched with a smile at the screen.
“Hey, I’m getting another call.”
“Yeah,” Cole said. “Talk to you later.”
I ended the call, answering the one from Enoch.
“Hi, baby!”
I didn’t fight the grin. “Hi.”
“I’m on my way. You home?”
I frowned. “Why?”
“To celebrate.”
“Celebrate?” I asked skeptically, picking up my phone and walking towards the couch to sit down.
“Yeah, one week. I got you something.”
I ground my teeth. I didn’t want to celebrate. It’d only make me feel shittier when I slipped.
“Baby?”
“Yeah, um, are you sure it’s smart to see me right now?”
“It’s fine. I’m alone. I just told them I’d be home a little later from work today.”
I sighed, pulled my legs up to my chest.
I hated that I wanted to see him so much. That I wanted to tell him how shitty the day had been at therapy. That I wanted him to hold me. That I couldn’t sleep last night without him. That I was scared about having another nightmare alone. That I was getting attached. That I…needed him.
“Okay, I’ll see you soon then.”
“I’m five minutes out. I’ll call you when I park so you know it’s me when I knock on the door.”
My chest fluttered at his thoughtfulness, and I remembered how I almost fucking shot him and how I tried to strangle him two nights ago. I squeezed my eyes shut.
“Ok.”
I hung up before I got emotional and stood up to do something other than peel my own skin off.
My scab on my thigh was itching, and I wanted to peel it off, was craving the pain of reopening the wound.
It would be so fucking easy, it wasn’t even cutting, it was…
a loophole of sorts. It could be written off as an accident.
My heart raced, imagining the rush.
Fuck. It would feel so fucking good.
My hands shook as I stared at the spot where I knew the Band-Aid was beneath my shorts.
Why couldn’t I stop thinking about it? Things were going well. I had Enoch. I was…happy. Why did I even want to do it?
Fuck. And he’s coming over to give me a damn reward for doing so well.
Why did I feel guilty when I hadn’t even done anything?
I jumped as my phone buzzed in my hand.
I answered Enoch’s call, sweat tickling my underarms.
“Hello?”
“I’m here. Just getting in the elevator.”
“Okay.”
I finally forced myself to move, waiting at the front door, looking through the peephole until I saw his figure walking towards the door.
I hung up the phone and unlocked the door, swinging it open.
His eyes lit up, and he jogged the rest of the distance, picking me up off my feet as he crushed me against his chest.
“Fuck,” he growled against my neck, taking a deep breath. “I missed you.”
I found myself laughing. “You saw me yesterday.”
“Too long,” he muttered, sweeping my hair out of the way so that he could kiss my neck. He walked us back into my apartment, using his foot to slam the door shut. He blindly latched the deadbolt and the chain, his attention still on kissing his way up my neck until finally his lips landed on mine.
I sighed into the kiss, wrapping my legs around his waist, and wrapping my hands around the back of his head.
This is what I needed.
He makes everything better.
I let his kisses drown out the thoughts about hurting myself, if only to push them to the back of my mind for a little while. Enoch’s hands went to my ass, supporting my weight and he walked us into the kitchen, setting me down on the counter.
His hands slid up the back of my shirt, the chill making me shiver.
He chuckled against my lips. “Sorry. It’s cold out.”
I ignored his comment and took the opportunity to put my tongue in his mouth. He groaned, our kisses getting sloppy as his hands squeezed my ribcage.
He really was the perfect distraction, but it ended too soon. He slowed down his pace until finally pulling away, panting softly against my lips.
“I missed you,” he muttered, lashes fluttering open as he looked at me.
He smiled, flicking his eyes across my body, lingering on the skin I was showing in my shirt and shorts. I realized he was probably checking for any recent wounds.
At the reminder of his gift my skin crawled with maggots.
I didn’t want a fucking gift. The pressure was too high. Now that I’d made him proud, the disappointment when I failed was only going to be that much greater.
He helped me down from the counter before walking into my bedroom.
I heard rustling of clothing and followed him, stopping in my doorway to find Enoch stripping.
“What are you doing?” I asked with raised brow.
“Getting comfy,” he shrugged, taking off his uniform coat. He sat down on the edge of my bed to take off his work boots, which in our enthusiastic greeting he’d not removed at the door.
“You’re not going home right now?”
He froze, tilting his head to look up at me.
“Not unless you want me to leave.”
“You’d not rather be spending time with your family?”
Enoch pursed his lips, turning his attention back to his feet as he pulled his boots off. “Not really.”
“Why not?”
He sighed, leaning back on his palms. “I haven’t seen them in four years.”
“What?” I shook my head with confusion. “Didn’t you say your sister helped you decorate the house?”
“Yeah, she just ordered a bunch of stuff, you know, made a Pinterest board with inspiration and stuff…I’ve not seen them except for the occasional FaceTime call on birthdays and holidays.”
I frowned, taking a seat on the edge of the bed.
“So, you’re not close with them?”
Enoch shook his head with a sadness in his eyes that had me crawling across the bed to straddle his lap.
“So…it’s not because of me?”
Enoch used his hand to brush through my damp hair, pulling it behind my head, trailing his hand down my back.
“No, baby. I pretty much went no-contact when I left for basic. And the deeper I got into my addiction, the further I pushed them away. That was all me.”
My shoulders dropped. “I’m not in any place to judge here, considering how many fucking secrets I’m keeping, but…why haven’t you reached out since getting sober?”
Enoch sighed, his fingers drawing circles against the skin on my back. The silence dragged on, and I pulled at the chain of his necklace, lifting it from beneath his undershirt and fidgeting with the simple gold cross.
“I’m scared,” he finally whispered.
I nodded, glancing at his face to see that he was staring blankly at my tattoos.
“What are you afraid of?”
“Disappointing them. Hurting them. Making them worry.”
It seemed I wasn’t alone in my fears.
“It’s just been so long, it’s easier to keep things the way they are.
To keep them at arm’s length. If they don’t know about my life, then they can’t be disappointed.
And then…I might be using you as an excuse.
It’s easier to lie if I just keep everything inside.
Why spill one secret when I can just keep them all to myself, you know?
And if we don’t get close then I never have to worry about how that might impact us.
” Enoch met my gaze with soft eyes. “Our future.”
I licked my lips, nodding as I digested everything he said.
“I wish you weren’t in this position.”
His hands dug into my hips as he dipped his chin to level me with a serious expression.
“I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty. This is my choice, I could tell them about my alcohol addiction, but I haven’t.”
I bit into my bottom lip, the guilt not magically disappearing just because he told it to. If I wasn’t in the picture, he wouldn’t have an excuse to stay away from his family. He’d be enjoying their time, he’d have them to support him, he’d be happier.
“Stop.” I blinked, startled by his gentle command. “Stop blaming yourself for shit that’s not your fault. I came here to celebrate a really big win. And I think it’s time you got your present.”
My heart sank and he pushed the corners of my mouth up into a smile. “Come on, you can be proud of yourself too.”
“What’s the point?” I asked.
He dropped his hands back to my hips, “What do you mean?”