Chapter 37
Thirty-Seven
Enoch
By the time we made it home I was on pins and needles. I was anxious as hell, wanting to get it over with but also delay it as long as possible.
I was putting the leftovers away in the fridge when I turned around to find Esther holding up my phone.
Shiloh was calling me.
My heart raced and I quickly grabbed my phone swiping to answer the call.
“Hey, baby,” I greeted, feeling awkward as my parents, Esty and Jae were all present to listen in on my conversation. “How’s the tattoo going?”
I frowned at her lack of immediate response. My mind immediately rushed to her relapsing and I swallowed thickly.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.”
“Don’t lie to me.”
I awkwardly headed for the deck, wanting some privacy but not having a room to do so in.
“I’m fine.”
“You’re hiding something,” I challenged, closing the slider behind me and stepping towards the railing to lean against it.
I recoiled when I was met with dampness and realized it had only just stopped raining as I was driving home.
It was still bright out despite the late hour, and I scanned the overgrown yard while I waited for her to confess.
Shiloh sighed. “I left.”
“You left?”
“Yeah. I didn’t finish the tattoo.”
“Okay,” I drawled, putting the pieces together.
“It felt wrong, I…I got that feeling, like, that rush. And I didn’t stop him, at least not right away.”
“That’s a good thing, baby. You did stop.”
“No, it’s not!” She groaned with agitation. “I wanted the tattoo. It was supposed to be my…my Enoch tattoo. And now I have a fucking jumble of lines tattooed into my skin for eternity.”
I took a breath to find the right words. “It doesn’t mean you won’t finish it in the future. It’s a not now, not a not ever.”
“You don’t know that.”
“You’re right,” I nodded, dropping my chin as I let out a sigh. “But I know how stubborn you can be. I have no doubt that you’ll finish it in the future.”
“Does this mean I have to start over? I shouldn’t have let him continue. I just…fuck! It felt too good. I fucked it all up, didn’t I?” she asked with a hint of panic.
My chest ached for her. She sounded so desperate that I couldn’t tell her that getting the high from the pain counted against her recovery.
I couldn’t crush her like that. The line for her was different than the line for me.
It was easy for me to draw the line in the sand at zero alcohol, no matter if it’s cooked in food or even fucking cough syrup and mouthwash. Absolutely zero.
But for Shiloh…the line was blurry. I felt guilty for allowing her to straddle it.
So, maybe the tattoo wasn’t the best call, but she didn’t cross the line herself.
“No. You didn’t hurt yourself. Right?”
“Right,” she was quick to reply.
“Then you’re still clean. Eleven days,” I said with pride.
“You’re counting?”
“Yes. Because I know you are too. Don’t think I haven’t seen the numbers on your calendar.”
Shiloh let out a sharp breath.
“You okay?”
“Yeah,” she breathed.
“You at home?”
“Yeah.”
“You want me to come over?” It might have been an excuse to ignore my responsibilities, avoid talking to my parents, but I did want to make sure she was okay.
“No, I’m okay. You should be with your family. How’s the dinner? I hope I’m not interrupting.”
“No. You’re never interrupting. I’m glad you called me, baby.”
“Okay,” she whispered.
My heart skipped a beat. “I think I’m going to tell my parents about getting sober.”
“Yeah? That’s-that’s good right?”
I sighed deeply, scrubbing a hand over my jaw. “Yeah. It will be. It’s just…”
“Scary?”
“Yeah.”
“I’m proud of you.” Her words rang in my head and my stomach fluttered with butterflies.
“You can call me too you know. If you need anything. I know you probably want to do it alone, but I wish I could be there just to give you moral support. Kiss you for luck. And then kiss the hell out of you afterwards for your bravery. Maybe some other stuff too.”
I bit down onto my lip, my heart soaring at the thought of her being here, her lips on mine. My mind short-circuited as I fantasized about what exactly she had in mind by ‘other stuff’.
“Fuck, you can’t say shit like that,” I groaned, my cock straining against the zipper of my slacks.
“Gave you a nice incentive though, didn’t I?” she said with amusement.
“Yeah,” I chuckled, “you did.”
“I’ll, um, let you get back to them. You’ll call me? If you tell them?” she asked. I could hear the hope in her voice, how much she wanted to know.
“Yeah. We still gotta Facetime before you go to sleep so I can do my accountability check,” I said, smiling again when I thought about what she might reward me with if I grew a fucking pair and talked to my parents.
My arousal was quickly extinguished by the sound of a throat clearing behind me.
I swore my stomach dropped straight through the deck and onto the ground below.
“Fuck,” I spat, hand flying to my chest.
“Enoch! What’s wrong?!”
“Shit,” I muttered. “Nothing, baby. I’m fine. Just, got spooked. Almost dropped my phone off the deck.” I cleared my throat. “I’ll call you back later, okay?”
“Okay.”
I hung up, staring at Sebastian who was leaning against the wall.
We stared at each other for the longest minute of my life until he broke the silence.
“I gave you a beer yesterday.”
My muscles tensed painfully. When I didn’t say anything, he continued.
“I knew something was off. More so than you having a girlfriend.” I shivered, crossing my arms over my chest as I watched him put the pieces together.
“I mean, the Nox I knew, he wouldn’t be caught dead cussing at his mom or his sisters.
You never cussed like that before. I thought maybe it was the military that changed you…
And your girlfriend, she’s an addict too?
Sounds like drugs. You doing them together? ”
A rush of indignation had me flaring my nostrils, “Not that it’s any of your business, but no, she doesn’t do drugs and neither do I.
I’ve never even had a gummy. And you’re right, I’m not the Nox you knew five years ago.
Because I’m an adult. Because I’ve been through shit in my life that’s, yeah, made me a little rough around the edges, but I’m proud of where I am right now.
I’m a year sober. And before you ask, yes, I accepted the beer, though I shouldn’t have, but I didn’t drink it. ”
Sebastian’s eyes narrowed and he mirrored my stance, folding his arms across his chest.
“So, what the hell happened yesterday? That your new normal? Is that what we should be expecting from you now? Erratic, angry outbursts and lies?”
I took a deep breath, determined to hold my calm demeanor, if only to prove him wrong about my behavior being erratic.
“No.” I licked my lips, eyes darting to the sliding glass door where I knew my family was and could probably overhear if they focused hard enough. “As you heard while you were…what? Eavesdropping? Spying?”
Sebastian shrugged.
“Anyways, as you heard, I am preparing to tell my parents tonight. About getting sober. And yesterday’s outburst was uncalled for and a direct result of the fact that I hadn’t been prepared to be around alcohol.”
“They know you’re alcoholic?” he asked skeptically.
I shook my head. “No. They don’t know anything about me because I’ve kept everyone out of my life except for Jae for the last four years.”
“Because you’re hiding your addiction?”
I nodded.
“So, that was all bullshit from Jae last night about the religious rules or whatnot?”
I sighed. “Yeah. He was just trying to protect me. I haven’t felt ready to come forward.
And he agreed to lie for me. Which before you get all judgmental about it, I know it’s fucked-up, but he’s my brother and I would do the same for him.
He’s been through hell and back for me while I got sober and I’m not gonna have you judging him for choosing to protect me. ”
He took a deep breath, his head bobbing as he processed the information. He scratched a hand over his neat beard before dropping his hands back to his sides.
“I’m not gonna say I’m sorry for spying on you because it was out of love, but I am sorry you’ve been dealing with an addiction and no one was here for you.”
“Besides Jae,” he quickly tacked on.
I released another deep breath and nodded in understanding. “It was my own fault. I isolated myself but I guess that’s about to change.”
Sebastian stepped into my personal space and pulled me in for short hug.
“What’s going on with this girlfriend?”
“What do you mean?” I asked warily.
“Well, is she a risk to your sobriety? It sounds like she's an addict or something.”
“No,” I breathed. “Hell no.” Maybe if she faked her death again. “If anything, she’s a huge motivator to stay sober. Yes, she's battling her own problems, but she's not threatening my sobriety.”
Sebastian stared at me for a long moment before finally stepping back. “Well, it’s cold as heck out here. Let’s get back inside.”
I chuckled if only to break the tension in the air between us and nodded in agreement, letting him lead the way. As I stepped back inside the living room, I realized it was time to finally tell the rest of my family.
I was forced to awkwardly request that once the children were asleep everyone meet me in the living room for a family meeting.
I couldn’t recall us ever having a ‘family’ meeting except the time my sister found out she was pregnant with Ruthie. I could see it on my mom’s face, so I rushed out, “No one’s pregnant. I just…have something to say.”
Everyone agreed, not without curious questions and stares that I ignored, and I opted for spending some time in the garage beating the shit out of the heavy bag.
Jae found me thirty minutes later. He didn’t say anything, just put on a pair of gloves and let me beat the shit out of him instead of the bag for another while until my dad poked his head in to let us know that the kids were asleep.
Jae pulled off his gloves, wiping his sweaty hair out of his eyes, as he glanced at me.
“You ready for this?”