Chapter 38 #2
“Sometimes. Yeah. But I…I always gave in when we argued. I felt like he knew better, was better, than me. And I was afraid of failing, of not being able to survive without him.”
“And have you survived without him?” She asked with a knowing look.
I rolled my eyes, “Obviously. I’m alive. So, yeah.”
She nodded with a soft smile, “So, does that mean maybe he was wrong about you? Maybe you’re not weak. Maybe you are capable. Maybe you are worthy of being loved.”
If Enoch was right about me, then I guess that did make Javier wrong. Maybe it was time to finally let go of the person who only ever made me feel weak. The person who made me question what it meant to be loved.
It was time to let go of the fear of what would happen when I finally decided I didn’t need him to survive. Maybe it was time I finally accepted that I wasn’t a weak fucking puta like I’d let him convince me I was.
I survived without him. And I wasn’t just surviving anymore. I was starting to actually enjoy being alive for the first time in my twenty-two years of existence.
August 3, Monday
Enoch
The silence in the car was annoyingly loud as Rick waited for me to say something.
When I told him I needed to talk after work if he was available, I hadn’t expected him to offer to drive us to the lake on base.
The weather was perfect after three days of rain but being trapped in the car for the drive to the lake from the office was making me nervous.
I wished he would turn on the radio or, hell, make small talk, but no, we were sitting in silence.
I released a breath of relief when we finally parked, and I was quick to exit the car. He motioned to one of the benches that faced the lake and I took a seat, avoiding the small puddle in the middle of it.
Rick let out a sigh as he reclined into the bench, and he took in the quiet scenery.
“Alright, out with it. You know we’re way past the point of bullshitting around with small talk.”
I adjusted my hat on my head and kept my gaze on the rippling water that was reflecting the partially cloudy sky.
“You were right.”
Rick chuckled, his arm coming up to rest against the back of the bench. “I’m not surprised. But what exactly was it that I was right about this time?”
“Telling my parents.”
He grunted. “And how’d it go?”
“Better than expected.”
“Good,” he drawled. “Good. I’m happy for you. What made you change your mind?”
I pursed my lips, running my hands over my pants. “Uh, well, confession, my family offered me beer and I accepted.”
“Shit,” he cursed under his breath. “You didn’t call me. Did you relapse?”
I could feel Rick’s intense stare on the side of my face, and I turned to look at him directly. “I was a breath away, but…no. I didn’t relapse.”
“Why didn’t you call me?” Rick asked with confusion.
I rolled my eyes and shook my head with a sigh. “Because I knew what you were going to say. That I just needed to finally be honest.”
Rick shrugged, “Fair enough. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have still been there to help you. So, they were supportive?”
I nodded, looking back out to the water where a bird had swooped low, skimming the top of the lake.
“This is a good thing. Why do you seem so down?”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek as I thought about my response. Rick waited patiently for me to answer.
“There’s so much more at stake now,” I finally said. “The expectations are higher and they're going to want to be involved with every aspect of my life again.”
“And you don’t want that?”
“No, it’s…I know I sound like a selfish prick, and I love that they care about me, that they’re not mad at me or holding it against me, but I can’t handle the invasion into my privacy.”
Rick tipped his head to the side. “Privacy?”
I scrubbed a hand down my face.
“Yes. It’s like I’m no longer afforded the right to have a private life or not share every detail of my life with them.”
“What exactly is it that you want to hide? They don’t live in town, so how exactly are they going to be invading your privacy?”
“For starters, they know I’m dating someone.”
“Dating?!” Rick balked, slapping me on the back. “When the hell did that happen?”
I sighed heavily, dropping my head back as I looked up into the cloudy blue sky.
“Six weeks ago-ish.”
“Six weeks!”
I gave Rick a smile, trying to dampen the guilt. “Yeah. It’s…new.”
“And you didn’t think I’d wanna know about this. This is a big deal. You’ve not had a relationship, as far as I’m aware of, since getting sober. Relationships can be beautiful, but they can also be stressful and triggering. Why didn’t you tell me?”
I focused on my hands in my lap as I shrugged. “It’s…complicated.”
“Well, uncomplicate it. Sobriety and complicated don’t fucking mix well, Nox.
” Rick shook his head in my periphery, and I could hear the disappointment in his voice.
“You know, in the four months that I’ve known you, you’ve not once reached out needing to go to a meeting until…
six weeks ago. This new relationship have anything to do with how much you’ve been struggling lately? ”
Fucking hell. Of course he’d call me out.
Of course he’d assume the worst. Of fucking course.
And it wasn’t like I could deny the fact that Shiloh had triggered me in a way that had impacted my sobriety, but how could I explain to him that I wasn’t at risk of relapsing because of her but rather because of the things that had happened to her.
“Shit,” he suddenly muttered. “It’s your ex isn’t it.
That’s who you’re seeing? The one who had you nearly catatonic.
I talked to Jae about what happened at the work event.
That wasn’t just some run-in with your ex-girlfriend, Nox.
That was a-whole-nother level. Some type of shit that doesn’t sound healthy and clearly is impacting your sobriety. ”
My shoulders caved as I slouched further into the bench.
“Nox?” he pressed after I remained silent.
“What do you want me to say? Yes, I’m dating my ex. Yes, my life has been more stressful since she’s come back into my life, but it’s been good. It’s been good stress. Sh-Emory isn’t the problem here. It’s me. Okay? That whole shit-show at work wasn’t what it looked like.”
“Really? ‘Cause it looks like you’re hiding a relationship because you know that it’s toxic and don’t want to anyone to call you out on your shit.”
I pursed my lips, frustrated to hell that this was where the conversation had landed.
“She’s not toxic,” I ground out. “My sobriety is my problem. Not hers. She’s the biggest motivator in my life to remain sober. I’ve been struggling lately because of my own feelings, nothing to do with our relationship and everything to do with my guilt.”
“Your guilt?” he asked softly.
“Yes. Emory and I met our senior year in high school.” I took a breath, spinning our story in the truest form without revealing too much.
“I knew she was struggling with things at home, but I didn’t realize things were so bad until it was too late.
I woke up one day to a voicemail.” I had to swallow around the building lump in my throat.
“She left. Ran away. Just like that she was gone…no contact, no trace of her. We assumed that she was dead.”
Rick let out a heavy sigh and I pressed on. “And then six weeks ago I’m at a work event and she’s just there. Here. In Anchorage. Alive.”
I blinked away the emotion in my eyes and focused on the ripples the wind was causing on the water.
“And then I found out the hell that she’s been through.
I mean, serious hell she’s survived and the guilt, the guilt was almost too much to handle.
I didn’t realize how badly she was suffering and I let her slip away only for her to suffer even greater.
And that’s why I’ve had a few almost-lapses.
It’s not her, or our relationship now, it’s the knowledge and the weight of her past that I’ve been struggling to bear.
But I’m not leaving her again. God reunited us for a reason, and this is our chance to finally have the happy ending we both wanted all those years ago. ”
Rick squeezed my shoulder, and I glanced over at him. He gave me a sad smile.
“I’m happy, honestly, Rick. I’m so fucking happy it’s obnoxious. I’m not going to relapse, Emory isn’t threatening my sobriety, and the only reason I’ve not mentioned our relationship is because I know that most people would never understand it.”
“Okay,” he said with a firm nod. He released my shoulder, dropping his arm back to the bench before speaking again. “Does she know about your sobriety?”
“Yes. She knows, and when she found out she made a big fuss over not wanting to burden me or make me relapse. But my journey with getting sober has turned out to be a good thing. I mean, not that I’m proud of being a recovering alcoholic or anything, but my experience has actually helped her, is helping her. ”
“She’s an alcoholic too?”
“No. Not exactly.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Rick asked with uncertainty.
“It means she’s not an alcoholic, but she’s got a behavioral addiction.”
“Sex? Gambling?”
I shook my head, “No. Hurting herself. It’s not like there’s a Cutter’s Anonymous support group…so I’ve been helping her. She sees a therapist too, but I’ve been there to hold her accountable.”
“That’s a lot to shoulder.”
I shrugged. “Nothing in comparison to the weight that she carries. I’m more than happy to help her, I mean, really, it’s the bare minimum I could be doing.
What she’s dealing with…” I trailed of, closing my eyes briefly.
“She’s convinced herself, with the help of a seriously fucked-up ex, that she’s undeserving of being loved and that her past needs to be held against her forever.
That she needs to be punished for actions that were frankly completely out of her control but she still blames herself for. ”
Rick hummed in acknowledgement. “And you’re sure you want that? Sure that this is the right time to be in a relationship with her?”
I sat up on the bench. “What are trying to say?”
“I’m saying that you don’t have to be the one to carry that burden. Are you doing this out of the guilt you feel for what didn’t happen in the past? I understand that you want to be there for her, but I don’t want you neglecting your own issues because you’re prioritizing hers.”
I shook my head, the truth in his words stinging more than a little.
“I may feel guilty, but that’s not the reason we’re together.
She’s not a burden. I’m well aware that there are plenty of other women that don’t have the issues that Emory does, but I don’t want them.
I love her. And she’s it for me. I know it…
it’s a damn fact, written in stone, we were always meant to end up together.
Yeah, right now it’s tough, but I know that it won’t always be. ”
My words were met with silence until Rick finally spoke.
“You say that you’re meant to end up together, but have you thought about the fact that maybe the timing is off?
Maybe she needs the space and time to work through her problems, work on her addiction to self-harming.
Without the stress of being in a serious relationship.
If you’re meant to be together, then taking space right now shouldn’t be a problem.
Space for the both of you to be ready to be in this relationship. ”
Just the mere thought of breaking up with Shiloh had me sweating and my heart pounding.
“No.” I said, my hand curling into a fist on my lap.
“That’s not the solution here. She doesn’t need space, that’s what got us into this situation in the first place.
She needs her family. And that’s me and Jae.
She doesn’t have anyone else and I’m not going to abandon her when she needs us the most.”
Rick sighed, bobbing his head. “Well, I appreciate you finally being honest with me. And I’m sorry you felt like you couldn’t tell me what was going on.
I hope you know that I’m always here to listen.
It’s not in my job description as your sponsor to judge you or your actions.
I might not agree with them, and you know I’m not one to sugarcoat things for you, but I’d never judge you or hold a grudge or anything like that. ”
“Yeah,” I said on an exhale. “I know.”
Rick slapped my shoulder. “One year on Wednesday. How you feeling?”
I mirrored his smile. “Good. A little proud. And a little anxious maybe, I dunno. I just think it’s a little bit intimidating having that much time under my belt and thinking about if I were to relapse, I’d have to start all over again.”
Rick nodded, “I understand that. It’s tricky thinking about how far you feel like you would fall if you relapsed .
But try to focus on the fact that you haven’t relapsed.
The longer you’re sober, the more confidence in yourself you gain in knowing that you’d be able to handle whatever life throws your way without relapsing. ”
My mouth twisted with doubt, but I nodded anyway.
“You’re doing good, son. I’m proud of you.”
I bit back the smile as his words stirred warmth in my chest. “Thanks, Rick. I’m really glad you’re my sponsor.”
Rick rolled his eyes and withdrew his hand from my shoulder. “Anything else you want to get off your chest?”
I blew out a long breath before shaking my head, “Nah. I’m good now. No more confessions.”
Rick chuckled and nodded. “Alright. I’ll drop you at your car.”