Chapter 39 #3
“Where was God when they put a bullet through Javi’s skull?
Where was God when I was held down by Kush and Peter and raped in the pool of my brother’s blood?
” Enoch flinched, his mouth falling open and I reveled in the pain.
It was mean. It was cruel. To be sharing these details with him.
To be lashing out at him, but if I couldn’t hurt myself then what was I supposed to do with all the anger swirling in my chest?
“Where was He when the only choice was death or letting seven men take turns using every hole in my body? God doesn’t listen to people like me, people who don’t deserve his help or his forgiveness. ”
A chair tipped over in my periphery and Jae muttered courses to himself as he righted it.
My eyes flicked back to Enoch who had tears in his eyes. The reality of what I’d just done was sinking in and the need to escape the situation was the only thing on my mind as I shoved at his chest, making him drop his hold on me.
I stepped back, staring at him as my chest heaved with guilt, shame, anger, fear, frustration. There was a toxic substance flowing through my bloodstream and I was infecting everyone else in the room with my presence alone and now with my past. The one I shouldn’t be revealing to a stranger.
“You deserve it,” Enoch said firmly when I met his stare. “I’m so sorry that you were alone, that no one was there to intervene. But that doesn’t mean that God doesn’t care about you.”
I pulled my hair at the roots, delighting in the little pinpricks of pain and Enoch’s face fell.
“Please, stop. Hurt me. Don’t hurt yourself. Please. We can go downstairs and you can put on the gloves and take it out on me. Okay?” His eyes were begging me to listen. “Don’t let them win. Don’t let them take away your will to keep going. You trust me?”
I swallowed, nodding.
“Then trust me when I tell you that this is going to pass and you’re going to make it to day seventeen.”
“This is his greatest weapon.”
I blinked, startled by Rick’s interruption and Enoch looked over his shoulder at him.
“Doubt. Satan feeds on it, knowing that’s it is so easy for us to question our worth and our own decisions. We ruminate and ruminate and ruminate. Until we’re stuck in this negative feedback loop where we’re convinced that we are undeserving, unlovable, unworthy…”
Rick trailed off and I dropped my hands from my hair. The tension left Enoch’s body as he looked back at me, studying my posture.
“As humans we get caught up in the why and how because we cannot comprehend God’s love for us.
When all that matters is the simple truth that He does.
And He’s proven it to us over and over and over again.
You’re the most precious thing in God’s eyes.
He sent his Son to die for you. Of course you matter.
Of course He loves you. Even in all the horrible awful messed up moments that the world throws at us, we must not doubt that God is still there, that He still loves us, that He still wants what is best for us.
Be angry with Him, fine, but don’t let doubt steal your faith.
Don’t let the past rob you of today. Of the good.
Sixteen days is a long time to be fighting your impulses, and you can make it to seventeen if you just have a little bit of faith. ”
My shoulders curved inwards as I looked between them all. I’d just ruined a perfectly good day, made it all about me, like a selfish fuckface.
The fight drained out of me as the seconds passed, and when Enoch stepped forward again, wrapping his arms around me, I didn’t flinch away or push him back.
I clung to the back of his shirt, pressing my ear to his chest, and drew in a shaky breath of his familiar scent.
I listened to his heart thundering in his chest as my cheeks burned with shame.
I fought the kernel of resistance in my mind as I pushed the words past my lips in a whisper. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to push you.”
“Shh,” he soothed, kissing the top of my head. “It’s okay. I’m not upset.”
Another pair of arms engulfed me, and I peered out the corner of my eye to find Jae smiling down at me. I could read the sympathy on his face and I cringed. Fuck, why did I say all of that?
I realized I’d forgotten about my wet clothes as I shivered.
The voices and the images that were haunting me had disappeared, leaving behind numb exhaustion.
“I think it’s time for cake!” Jae announced, pulling away from the hug.
I sighed, wishing I could rewind and redo the last ten minutes.
“Yes, please,” Enoch said with excitement.
“I need to change,” I said, pulling out of his arms, though he didn’t actually release me, just dropped his hands to my waist.
“Okay,” he nodded. “We’ll be right back. Gonna get some dry clothes on. Feel free to finish eating.”
Enoch spun me around by my shoulders and led us to the bedroom. Once inside, I was quick to remove the wet items like they were on fire.
“Here,” Enoch said, holding out a pair of his sweatpants.
I hesitated for a half second before grabbing them and pulling them up my legs. “Thanks.”
He smiled and turned to his dresser, pulling out a shirt and handing that to me too. I slipped it on, relieved that nothing was sticking to my body anymore and took a long, deep breath.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated and he opened his mouth to say something, but I held up my hand to stop him. “No. I’m sorry that I took away from your special day. And I shouldn’t have said those things to you, any of you.”
Enoch shook his head, taking a step to close the small gap between our bodies. His hand stroked my cheek, gently sliding behind my ear, until his fingers laced through my hair and supported my neck.
“I don’t want you to ever apologize to me again for sharing with me anything about your life.”
I stared into his sincere eyes and nodded in agreement, if only to appease him because I still felt like shit for sharing with him the one secret I’d purposely withheld.
“I love you,” he said, his lips soft as they pressed against my forehead. He breathed deeply before pulling back, eyes bouncing across my face. “You want to go downstairs and spar?”
I shook my head. “No. I’m fine now.”
Enoch’s jaw ticked and he swallowed. “I don’t mind.
I can send Rick home. Just because we were celebrating me doesn’t mean I can’t focus on you too.
And if you need me to distract you, want to let out all the anger I know you have bottled up inside, then just say the word. I’m happy to do it. Really.”
I chewed my lip as I thought about it but ultimately shook my head.
The desperate pull to purge the lingering shame and guilt was outweighed by my need to fix this, make this day better for Enoch and turn the attention back to him.
I didn’t want to make things anymore awkward and as much as I hated the idea of going back out there and pretending like I didn’t just spill my darkest secrets, or pick up on the fact that Rick knows I’m addicted to hurting myself, I wanted Enoch to know that he was more important right now and he deserved the quality time with his closest friend and family.
Enoch nodded with a sigh and pressed a kiss to my lips before turning and grabbing another shirt from his dresser. I looked away before remembering that he was mine and I was allowed to look and watched him change his shirt.
With his hand in mine, I let him take us back to the kitchen.
The food had been discarded, and Jae and Rick stopped their conversation when they saw us enter the room.
I ignored their intense gazes and focused on the fact that Jae was holding up a lighter.
“I realize it’s not really the right occasion to be lighting a candle,” Jae said as he flicked on the lighter and held it to the number one candle on the cake.
“And there’s not some song to sing, or a wish to make, but I do have a small speech.
I just wanted to say that I’m proud of you, brother.
I’ll never forget how happy I was, how much I admired your strength when you finally, fucking finally, let me back into your life, and accepted help.
I love you, brother. Cheers to an incredible year and many more to come. ”
Enoch walked around the island and pulled Jae into a hug. He murmured something in his ear and Jae chuckled, squeezing him with a groan and rocking back and forth for a moment. Jae sighed as he released Enoch and my stomach flipped with nerves as Rick started to speak.
“I know it was a difficult first year, I know just how hard you worked to get to this point and I’m incredibly happy for you, Nox.
It’s been a privilege to get to know you and to be your sponsor, to guide you on this sober journey of life and I look forward to continuing to be your support when you need it. ”
With Rick’s speech over, they shared a quick hug and then all eyes landed on me.
“Um,” I cleared my throat, grateful that the island was blocking their view as I swiped my sweaty palms against my sweatpants.
My heart raced, a lightheaded feeling making me lean into the counter for support.
“You have the most incredible heart. I know that I hurt you, that I broke a piece of it. But I am so glad that you were strong enough to fix it, and that you landed right here in Anchorage. That you found me. So I can tell you how proud I am of the man you’ve become in the last five years.
It’s…It’s an honor to get to call you mine and to be apart of your life.
So, thank you. For choosing to see the good in yourself and for never giving up. ”
Those three heavy words zapped in the air around us like an electrical current as he scooped me into a hug, my feet briefly leaving the ground as he leaned back and squeezed me tight.
“I love you, baby,” he whispered into my ear with conviction. “I love you forever. And I’m so happy you’re mine too.”
He set me on the ground to kiss me and the room melted away as he molded his lips with mine. The room spun, and I was grateful that he was something solid to hold onto, as I stared at his smiling face.
“Not to rush, but the candle is getting wax everywhere,” Jae said.
Nox nodded, releasing me and he blew the flame out. Jae cut into the cake, serving everyone a generous slice and he motioned for us to sit down on the couch.
I took the corner seat beside Enoch and in the lull of silence as everyone took a bite of the cake, I took my opportunity to clear the air.
“I want to apologize for shouting at you. And, um, for oversharing some personal details that you didn’t need to hear about.”
Rick waved his fork in the air in a dismissive gesture, “All good. I’ve been an AA sponsor for eleven years; I’ve seen and heard just about everything. Nothing phases me anymore.”
I hoped to hell he’d never heard anything like what I just revealed but nodded anyways.
“So, K-dramas. Jae here was telling me it was a little bit of a tradition for you guys?”
Nox nodded with a smile. “Yeah. It was kind of our thing. Watching tv series together.”
The conversation moved easily after that, Rick, Jae and Nox discussing their favorite shows, and Jae adding several recommendations from Rick to a list he was compiling for us to watch together.
The cake was thoroughly complimented by everyone, and I was relieved to hear the praise.
It was a boxed cake, so I wasn’t expecting it to turn out gross, but it definitely made me smile regardless.
I’d managed to eat most of my slice, sudden hunger taking over as I realized I hadn’t eaten anything except for the few chips I’d taste-tested the salsa with. After a while, when the conversation lapsed, Rick sighed and pulled a small box from his pocket.
He handed it across the couch to Enoch who tentatively retrieved it. I watched Enoch’s smile stretch into a grin as he opened it and looked inside. It was a one-year coin. I couldn’t read the text on it from here, but whatever it said made Enoch happy.
“Thank you,” he said, leaning over to hug Rick. “It’s perfect.”
“You earned it,” Rick said with a shrug. “I, um, I’ve gotta get heading home, but thanks for letting me join in commemorating this milestone, Nox. Good to see you, Jae.” Rick stood, turned to face the couch and looked at me. “It was so nice to meet you, Emory. Keep up the hard work.”
His sincere gaze made me fidget, and I forced myself to smile and nod.
Enoch walked him out and I sighed into the couch once they were out of sight.
Jae grabbed the remote, scooting over to sit a foot away from me.
“Wanna help me pick something out?” he asked, with a hopeful grin.
I shrugged, “Sure.”
Jae studied me for a moment before facing the TV and flipping to one of their streaming platforms.
“You feeling alright?” he asked, eyes on the screen as he scrolled through titles.
“Yeah. Fine.”
Jae rolled his eyes dramatically. “Are you actually?”
I sighed, closing my eyes as I confessed to him, “Yeah. I am now. I think…I think Rick’s prayer actually worked.”
I blinked open my eyes at Jae’s touch on my knee. “Really?”
I bit my cheek and nodded. “I dunno, it’s a working theory, but it certainly didn’t make anything worse.”
Jae’s head tipped to the side as he contemplated something. “Maybe next time you’re feeling…well, whatever is you were feeling that made you want to hurt yourself, maybe you try it yourself. See what happens. Like you said, wouldn’t make the situation worse.”
Jae released my knee with a soft pat before nodding towards the screen.
“What about this one? Destined with You. I’ve not seen it before, but it’s got some mystery mixed in with the romance plot.”
He raised his brow, looking over at me.
“Yeah. Sounds good to me.”
He frowned at my lack of enthusiasm.
I internally groaned before forcing more energy into my voice, “It’s sounds great, Jae. I’m just tired, but it really does sound like a good show.”
Jae rolled his eyes with a sigh and nodded, “Alright. Let me clean up real quick.” The front door closed downstairs. “Nox! We found a show. Come up here and cuddle your woman, make sure she doesn’t fall asleep while I clean up the plates and put the cake away.”
“Happily,” Enoch said, bending over me, to give me a kiss.
I melted further into the couch and Enoch shifted me onto the chaise as he pulled my body on top of his. He grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch and threw it over our bodies before releasing a long sigh.
“I appreciate you organizing the party. I do. But this right here, this is all I really need.”