Chapter 11 #4
I rolled my eyes and followed her outside to the car that was parked in the driveway.
I assumed we’d drive in awkward silence but as soon as we got in Mrs. Min-Baker started asking me questions.
The first one being, ‘have you buckled your seat belt’.
I guessed it was her polite way of telling me to do so, seeing as it was obvious I hadn’t when she was looking right at me.
“What’s your address?” She asked as she opened the navigation app on her phone.
I thought for a second before giving her the address of a house near the end of my block. As we drove, she kept glancing in my direction. I rolled my eyes to myself, getting annoyed at all this attention.
“You know, I…I overheard the conversation you had about my no cursing rule.”
I groaned under my breath, giving up all hope that I might have gotten to sit and stew in my self-pity the rest of the car ride.
“I know the boys don’t always have the most tact, so I just wanted to explain why I have that rule.
Then you might understand why they were so adamant about you following it.
” She paused to look over at me, and I gestured for her to continue.
“Now I’m not saying this to make you feel guilty or sorry or anything.
I just want you to know where they’re coming from and give you some context.
Anyways, I, um, my first husband was abusive.
Verbally. And when I married Quentin, you met him at Nox’s house, we made it a rule that there was to be no swearing so that I always felt safe at home. ”
I closed my eyes mentally berating myself for being so fucking stupid. Her reason for having the rule made complete sense and now I felt like a shithead. Fuck me and send me straight to hell.
“Well shit, I mean, um, crud. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable,” I apologized, trying my hardest not to let any foul language slip.
She chuckled lightly and shook her head, “Don’t worry about not cursing so much. I don’t expect you to change who you are, I just hope you can try to remember and respect that rule in my home next time you’re over.”
“Of-of course, ma’am…if I’m ever at your house again I’ll keep my curse words to myself.”
I shook my head at myself, certain that I’d fucked everything up with Jae and Nox.
“Oh, don’t worry about the boys. Friends disagree all the time, doesn’t mean your friendship is over. If it did, then no one would ever have lasting friendships,” she said with a smile of encouragement.
I wanted to throw up. I’d completely embarrassed myself and I just wanted to drown out this feeling.
“Are your parents home?” she asked, changing the topic smoothly.
“Uh, no. Actually, I’m not sure,” I explained, trying not to get caught in a lie.
“Okay, well I’d really feel most comfortable if I walked you to your door,” she said as we pulled onto my street.
“Um, that’s really not necessary,” I mumbled, the uneasy feeling in my stomach growing as this conversation continued.
“Here’s good. Thank you, ma’am.”
I grabbed my backpack from between my legs and reached for the door, as she slowed to a stop.
“It looks like the lights are all off. Do you need me to wait with you?”
“No, um, I’ve got a key,” I lied.
Fucking hell!
I looked up to the stranger’s house that I think a middle-aged man lived in and let out a small groan. I could barely make out the shape of the house in the dim light of the streetlamp. The inside was pitch black.
“Okay, I’ll wait to make sure you get inside.”
“I, uh, actually will probably go to my neighbor’s house first. I’m supposed to feed their cat,” I fudged, hoping she was buying this cringe-worthy story I was concocting out of my ass.
She was silent for a long minute, and my heart started to race. Fuck! She knows I’m lying. Why the fuck am I suddenly incapable of bullshitting? God, I’m an embarrassment to my kind.
“Shiloh,” she paused so I turned to face her with apprehension. “What’s going on? Is that not your house?”
I swallowed for something to do other than open my mouth. I looked away from her gaze, focusing on the sounds of dogs barking somewhere down the block.
“No, I mean, sort of,” I mumbled.
“So, where is your house?” she asked, although she didn’t sound upset like I was expecting. Not even disappointed.
“Down the block a ways.”
“Okay,” she let out a sigh and put the car in drive. “Put your seatbelt back on and tell me to stop when we reach it. Unless there’s a reason why you don’t want me to know where you live?”
I complied, buckling in and letting out a huff that sent a small throb through my ribs.
I pointed out my house, suppressing the urge to damn whoever decided to have a streetlamp in front of our house to illuminate all its imperfections.
Most notably, the plywood covering my bedroom window that faced our chain-link fenced, more-dirt-than-grass yard.
The car halted and I unbuckled, my stomach churning with shame. Why the fuck do I care so much what this woman thinks? She’s no one to me. And it’s not like I’ll ever probably see her again.
The distant sound of a car backfiring made both of us jump, dogs in the area barking with alarm, and I squeezed my eyes shut, hugging my backpack, as the memory of Javi on the floor flashed behind my eyelids.
“Thanks again. Bye,” I rushed out breathlessly before racing up to my front door. I scrounged around in the front pocket of my bag and fished out my key to unlock the door. I didn’t turn around to see her leave, shutting the door behind me and letting out a shaky sigh.
I scanned the empty living room that was dimly lit by light coming from the kitchen. It smelled like weed and I looked around for the evidence, finding it sitting on the coffee table along with several beer bottles.
“Dad?” I called out as I approached the coffee table.
No response. I closed my eyes, feeling the unfamiliar urge to cry. This is exactly why I should never have agreed to be friends with them. I’m a fucking mess and I don’t know how to be a good person.
I picked up the beer bottles until I found one that wasn’t completely empty. I took a swig, shuddering as the flat, warm liquid slid down my throat. Gross. I quickly chugged the rest before grabbing the blunt and the lighter. I rested it in my mouth while I flicked the lighter on.
I took a long inhale, feeling the warmth fill my lungs and spread across my chest and body.
I held it in before slowly releasing the smoke into the room.
I took another hit and stamped it out on the ashtray.
I walked to my room, the effects starting to tingle through my limbs, my heart rate and breathing slowing and my cheeks feeling hot.
I dropped my bag and stripped out of my shoes and jeans before collapsing onto my bed. My eyes were burning from the smoke, tears began to sting, and I fanned my face.
I’m not crying. I’m not crying. I’m not crying.
I thought back to the weed brownies and laughter bubbled up out of my throat, the sound ricocheting off the walls of my nearly empty room.
Javi and I had gotten into a fight when he didn’t come home one night last year. He knew I would be worried sick because I always worried about him, yet he refused to give me an explanation for his whereabouts.
I remembered how mad I was that he wouldn’t apologize, and he decided the best way to handle the situation was to ignore me and stay out all weekend.
I never found out where the hell he was or what he was doing, but when I came home from school the following week, he was sitting in our room smoking, staring up at the ceiling.
He finally apologized and said he would try and let me know next time he wasn’t going to be coming home so that I wouldn’t worry. Then we went looking for more weed and ended up baking brownies to spite dad and use up his whole stash.
Fuck, what I would give to have another argument with him.
My chest was aching, and I tried to blame it on the smoke in my lungs and my healing ribs, but I knew I was lying to myself. I missed him. So fucking much.
The thought that come Monday I wouldn’t be spending time with Nox and Jae, despite how annoying listening to them was, weighed down my chest. I didn’t want to lose anyone else, and I definitely didn’t want to admit that I actually, probably, maybe cared about them enough to miss them too.