Chapter 13 #2
There was this void that only I seemed to be feeling in the house.
My dad acted as if nothing had changed, but everything had.
And with Carlos leaving me alone since I bribed that judge, I was deluding myself into thinking he had forgotten about me.
I was pretending I was a normal teenager whose biggest problems were homework and unrequited crushes.
I was pretending I had a chance at staying until I graduated, becoming life-long friends with Jae and Nox, getting out of Texas with a scholarship to some fancy-ass school.
Doing everything Javier ever wanted me to do.
Not making his death be in vain by taking his place in the gang and becoming a career criminal.
But in the back of my mind was the constant threat of Carlos coming for me.
Ready to initiate me for real, ready to exploit me like he did my brother.
What did it say about me that I had let him manipulate me, that I’d willingly agreed to become a criminal, that I acted like I had the right to spend time with some decent human beings?
Weak. Fucking. Puta.
???
October 14, Thursday
Enoch
My phone buzzed in my back pocket, and I fished it out, balancing my textbooks in the crook of my arm.
Jae had messaged he was waiting by the car, and I quickened my pace to my locker.
I slowed when I heard Shiloh across the hall shout a ‘fuck’ loud enough for everyone in the vicinity to hear.
I gave a smile to a couple students who looked at me with a ‘what’s her problem?
’ expression and crossed the hall to where she was leaning her forehead against her locker.
I shifted my books to free my arm and ran my hand down her arm gently to get her attention. She startled and I smiled sympathetically at her weary expression.
“What happened? Did you do poorly on your last midterm?” I asked, searching her eyes for an answer.
“No,” she scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest. “Some of us have actual problems, Enoch.”
“Woah,” I chuckled, taking a step back from her hostility. “I’m not the enemy here. Just trying to help.”
“Like you would fucking understand,” she spat, looking away and clenching her jaw.
“The only problem you have in your life is that you suck at math. You’ve got, like, the fucking perfect life and family.
I don’t know why the fuck you’re so eager to leave them for the military.
I’d be milking that shit for the rest of my life the way your parents treat you. ”
I licked my lips, frowning as I tried to determine where the hell all of this was coming from. She was perfectly happy—well, as happy as I’d ever seen her—at lunch, so what had happened in the last three hours?
She moved to walk away but I grasped her arm. “Shiloh, stop.”
She looked up at me fiercely, like she was daring me to try and keep her here to finish our conversation. Maybe I was stupid and asking for an attack, but I wasn’t going to just let her push me away.
“I’m not going to feel bad for having a good life, Shiloh.
” She scoffed and rolled her eyes, so I took a breath to control my tone and continued.
“I know I’m lucky, and my parents worked their asses off to provide me with the life I do have.
So, yeah, being shit at math is one of my biggest problems at the moment.
Don’t discredit my problems just because yours are different from mine.
This isn’t a pissing contest for who has the worst hand of cards, Shiloh. ”
She let out a tense breath and closed her eyes.
“So if you’re serious about this friendship thing, you’ll realize that I’m just trying to help in whatever way I can. Maybe I won’t completely understand, but I can’t try unless you tell me what’s going on.”
She remained silent for a minute, and I watched as her hostility seemed to melt away, her body slouching and tense expression softening.
Shiloh looked up at me through her lashes. “You’re right,” she muttered, shifting her weight on her feet. “Sorry.”
I nodded and smiled softly. “Attagirl. Making real progress there in the apology department. Now, you gonna tell me what’s causing you to cuss out your locker?”
She chuckled under her breath and let out a heavy sigh. “It’s stupid.”
I quirked a brow, silently telling her to explain.
“I’m just having a bad day, and the library is closed because they’re setting up some fucking staff training event happening while students aren’t at school on Monday so I can’t go there to wait out the rain, which means I’ll be walking home in the pouring rain, and it’s fucking cold, and I don’t have a jacket.
” She trailed off, her voice growing softer until it was barely a whisper.
“And I’m tired. And I just wanna go to sleep. ”
“Well, this isn’t gonna happen every time you share your problems,” I smiled, secretly excited to be spending some more time with her, “but I can actually solve just about all of those.”
“No, I can’t let you—”
I cut her off with a ‘don’t even say it’ look. She groaned and rolled her eyes.
“Fine, but I promise it’s just this one time. I won’t ask again. I know it’s last-minute. I can give you gas money—” she was rambling, and I had to put her out of her misery.
“Shiloh.” She stopped and looked at me like she was nervous.
“I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t want to give you a ride.
I don’t mind. And you don’t need to give me any money for gas.
It’s part of the friendship deal anyways, remember?
Free car rides,” I trailed off with a chuckle, and she reluctantly nodded, motioning for us to get going.
We made it to the parking lot after stopping at my locker when she suddenly stopped walking.
“Shit, you have to take Jae home and…didn’t you say you were working today?” She looked over at me, and I rolled my eyes with a playful smile.
“Shiloh,” I said, throwing my arm over her shoulder and guiding us towards my car. “Quit trying to find excuses. I’ll take Jae home on my way to work after we drop you off.”
I could feel her shoulders tense, and I knew she was about to protest.
“Shut up,” I shook my head at her relentlessness. “Seriously. Just let me help.”
She growled and I pulled her closer with a chuckle. Why the hell does she always smell like cologne?
“Are you wearing your boyfriend’s clothes?” I asked before I could think to keep my mouth shut. I wanted to slap myself for asking that so abruptly, but she pulled away to look at me in disbelief.
“No, why?”
I cleared my throat awkwardly trying to cover up the grin that was about to take over my face, “No reason.”
Jesus, I need to get over myself. She has a boyfriend, even if she’s not wearing his clothes and honestly never talks about him.
I dropped my arm to pull my keys out as we approached the car. Jae looked up from his phone and pushed off the car when he saw us.
“Sup, Shiloh, you coming with?” Jae greeted as I unlocked the car and opened my door.
“Yeah,” she nodded, opening the door to the backseat.
“Cool,” he said, eyeing me.
“We’re dropping her at home first.”
He gave the ‘okay’ sign and hopped into the front seat.
I quickly texted my uncle that I was going to be a little late. Jae resumed his usual routine of swiping through his phone mindlessly and I tried to converse with Shiloh who was anxiously biting her nails. I hoped that she wasn’t worrying about inconveniencing me still.
“Guess what?” I asked, unable to contain the smile spreading across my face. She raised a brow, and I grinned with confidence, “I totally beasted the math midterm!”
She looked at me like I had grown a second head.
“Oh, come on, I’m not lying,” I pouted. “I really think I did well. There were, like, maybe one or two questions that threw me. But otherwise, it was actually kind of easy.”
She nodded slowly, a small smile gracing her face.
“That’s really great, Nox. So, ‘beasted it’ means you…did a good job?”
I laughed and nodded, Jae looking at me in confusion, but I dismissed him to return to his own little world.
“Yeah, I guess you’re not the only one who makes up words.”
I heard her chuckle from the back, and I smiled to myself. Every time she laughed, something inside me forced a smile to my face and a warm feeling to flutter in my chest.
“Don’t think I didn’t hear you say ‘fridge nuggets’ the other day when you hit your funny bone,” Shiloh said playfully, a smirk on her face when I glanced in the rearview mirror at her reflection.
I coughed a laugh out and sighed with fake dejection, “Okay, so maybe you’re rubbing off on me just a little bit.”
“Where the hell did you come up with fridge nuggets?”
“I dunno,” I shrugged. “It was just the first thing that came to my mind.”
“I mean, fucknugget, sure, because I said that before. But fridge…” she paused to snort, causing me to bite back a smile. “Have you ever even said fuck before?”
I rolled my eyes, scoffing. “Yes. I just don’t say it as often as you.”
“Sure, sure,” she muttered, shaking her head.
The radio filled the silence for a while and I focused on the drive to her house, the neighborhood notably growing worn down the closer we got.
I knew she had a point, that I wouldn’t understand her problems. I didn’t come from a poor neighborhood, I had amazing parents, and had never lacked anything be it emotional support or wants and needs.
But I wanted to understand her. I was lucky enough to be in a position to help without expecting anything in return, and I wanted her to accept my help.
I could tell that she wasn’t one to ask for it though, and there was only so much I could do without her allowing me into her world.
It could be scary trusting someone with your secrets and struggles, especially when she thought that I never had any of significance, but maybe in time she would realize that I was ready and willing to help in any way that I could.
The thought haunted me, but I couldn’t help but feel like she had a reason to be so reserved and skeptical of accepting help.
Someone must have broken her trust to make her so guarded, and I didn’t think it happened just once.
“Right here is good,” she said.
I pulled to a stop in front of a chain-link fenced house.
She threw out a quick thank you, jumping out of the car before I had a chance to reply. I rolled down my window and called her name. She stopped abruptly and slowly turned to face me.
“Do you want a ride to school tomorrow?”
She shook her head and waved before rushing into the house. I sighed, rolled up my window and pulled up my navigation app for directions to Jae’s house from here.
“My guy, she was totally flirting with you,” Jae spoke, causing me to laugh in disbelief.
“I’m serious, Nox. That little banter you’ve got going…flirting. I’m telling you,” he smirked.
I rolled my eyes and punched his arm playfully, “Shut up. You were totally checked out on your phone, so how would you know?”
I chewed on my lip in thought as I drove and glanced over at Jae to question him again. “Are you sure? I mean, we were just teasing each other,” I reasoned with skepticism.
“Nox, teasing is flirting. And she was definitely flirting back.”
I huffed and drummed my fingers on the steering wheel.
I mean, maybe I was flirting accidentally on purpose, but Shiloh…
did she think of me that way? She’d never indicated she more than tolerated our friendship.
I felt like I had been the one putting in effort to the relationship.
Hell, she practically cussed me out earlier before my exam.
“She has a boyfriend.” I challenged.
Jae sighed, locking his phone and turning in his seat to look at me more directly. “Does she? Because for all we know they could’ve broken up.”
I shrugged, not really considering that possibility. “Okay, but she cussed me out twice today.”
“Tell me exactly what she said,” he instructed seriously, like he was a guru on relationships.
“Um, okay,” I muttered. I prattled off our conversation as best as I could remember after lunch and he nodded along, occasionally asking me to clarify her tone or word choice. He fidgeted with his phone as he mulled over what I had told him.
“Okay, well based on the fact that we know Shiloh uses her temper as a shield, I think we need to strip down that outward layer,” he mused.
I struggled not to laugh at how serious he was taking this psychoanalysis.
“So, at first glance she sounded demeaning by calling you names and cussing, but I think those were her version of endearing terms. And she ultimately was wishing you good luck, trying to convince you that you should be confident in your abilities.”
“More like in her abilities as a tutor,” I chuckled. “And you really think shitbird is a term of endearment?”
“You know how she is,” he shrugged. “Do you think she was gonna call you something cute like babe or pumpkin?”
I laughed heartily at the thought of Shiloh ever saying those words, especially to me, and wiped the tears that were forming in the corner of my eyes.
“Okay, okay. Maybe…maybe that was her way of being affectionate or kind,” I resigned.
“Plus,” he perked up with another knowing smirk, “she didn’t freak out when you grabbed her hand. And you had your arm across her shoulder just now after school. She didn’t look weirded out or anything. I’m damn sure she’d have punched you in the balls if she didn’t want you to touch her.”
I chuckled and nodded in agreement. “Yeah. I’m positive that she would.”
I ruminated on our conversation and decided I needed a second opinion, if only to confirm what I wanted to hear—that Shiloh might have been flirting back.
As much as I trusted Jae and his emotional intelligence, I wanted to talk to my dad about it.
I needed to know if I should bury my feelings for her, dismiss them as a simple crush, or if I should lay it out in the open and see what happens.
Regardless, I knew that I cared about Shiloh.
I just wasn’t sure if it was going to be as a friend or more.