Chapter 27
Twenty-Seven
Shiloh
I locked my knees, standing over the sink and taking a shaky breath. The dinner was not settling well in my stomach, and I was nervous that Enoch’s parents would overhear, and everyone would think I was bulimic or just a pathetic freak.
Why do I have to puke every time I’m here? I will not throw up. I will not throw up. I will not throw up.
I splashed my face with some cold tap water and looked up at my reflection. My eyebrow still had a patch of hair missing and I rubbed my finger over the bare spot. It looked like it was going to be permanently bald where the pale pink scar cut through the tail of my eyebrow.
As if I need another facial feature to make me look psychotic.
I bristled at the word, my lip curling as I remembered what that kid said. With my bloodshot, red-rimmed eyes and ferocious stare I was a little crazed looking. My all-black and oversized attire didn’t help my case.
I waited several more minutes to be sure I wasn’t going to puke and walked out of the bathroom. I gasped, the door hitting my back as I tripped.
“Fuck,” I muttered. “You scared the shit out of me, Enoch.”
He stepped to the side so that I could move out of the doorway and crossed his arms over his chest, drawing attention to his toned biceps. Shiloh, stop checking him out.
He chewed his lip studying me with an intensity that made my stomach cramp. “Are you doing drugs?”
I choked on my saliva.
“What the hell are you talking about?” I asked when my airway had cleared. Seriously, where the fuck is this coming from?
He gave me a ‘cut the shit’ expression, and I felt a panic rise in my chest. I shoved that shit down and scowled. I glanced down the hall into the kitchen, straining my ears for any sign his family was near.
“What’d he give you?” he asked. “Last week, I saw you with Adrian and he gave you a pill. What was it?”
I clenched my jaw, doing what I did best, avoiding the truth.
“So, you’re spying on me now?”
“You didn’t answer my question,” Enoch stated, unfazed by my attitude.
I let out a groan, looking around us for a reason to escape the situation I was in. Other than knocking myself unconscious or puking on the floor, I was out of options. Fuck, maybe the wave of nausea will come back and save me from answering.
“Shiloh,” he sighed, reaching out for my hand. “I want to be there for you, I do. I can’t do that if you don’t talk to me. You said you were sick. Jae and I were dropping stuff off to help you feel better only to find you taking a pill from Adrian and looking like you were going on a vacation. So…”
So that was what Jae was on about at lunch today. I shook my leg for something to do with the anxiety swelling in my chest. I met his patient gaze and bit into my cheek.
“I care about you, a lot actually. Drugs don’t need to be the answer, Shiloh. I can help you. You can get through this without numbing the pain.”
I let out a sigh, my eyes rolling, as I contemplated what my next words were going to be. I needed to get him to drop this. If his parents found out, if he got too curious, we would all be in danger.
“I’m not doing drugs, I swear. Not often anyways. I mean, maybe some weed every now and then but I’m not, like, addicted to drugs,” I said, pleading with my eyes for him to stop with the interrogation.
“Shiloh, I’m not stupid. You’ve been acting weird.
We saw you taking a pill—from an older guy who frankly shouldn’t be dating or hanging with you in the first place.
But I’m not going to get into how many issues I have with your ex right now,” Enoch said with an irritated look. “Why can’t you just tell me the truth?”
“Fuck, Enoch. I don’t abuse drugs. Just the occasional marijuana, but, like, what teenager doesn’t?” I said with exasperation, my stomach flipping as I tried to ignore the fact that I didn’t mention the other drugs I’d snorted in the recent past or the aforementioned pill Adrian gave me last week.
Enoch’s irritation deflated as he contemplated my explanation.
“So, then what did he give you and why did you lie and say you were sick?
I let out a huff of exhaustion, closing my eyes, my brain spinning lies I could tell him.
“I don’t want to ruin this. I don’t want you to…” I trailed off, opening my eyes to study his face. I don’t want you to know who I really am. I don’t want you to get hurt.
His thick brows were raised slightly as he looked up at me through his lashes, listening intently. Enoch’s hand suddenly squeezed mine.
“You don’t want me to do what?” he asked gently.
“I don’t,” I sighed again, the anxiety becoming unbearable. “I don’t want you to stop caring about me.”
“Shy,” he said with a serious face, “I’m not going to stop caring about you if you’re honest with me. I promise that I’m not going to walk away from you because of whatever it is that’s going on.”
Bull-fucking-shit.
“I just want you to tell me the truth,” he added, grabbing my other hand and squeezing tightly, as he took a step closer to me.
I couldn’t be honest. If he knew I was in Los Siete, he’d be in danger.
And he’d definitely tell his dad, a fucking cop no less, who may or may not already be in Carlos’s pocket and keeping tabs on me.
And Seb would find out, and he’d get dragged into Los Siete’s mess.
They’d all be in danger. If Adrian didn’t keep his mouth shut, if Carlos found out about Enoch’s family and they weren’t already involved…
The guilt made my chest burn. What the hell was I fucking doing?
I can’t have any more people I care about getting hurt.
I can’t.
I can’t.
I took a deep breath and nodded, staring into his patient eyes.
“Okay,” I breathed, my pulse racing as I braced for the worst reaction from him.
“It was a Xanax.” He nodded slowly, and I continued.
“Adrian and I were going to visit a family friend, and I get anxious on long car rides. So, I took a Xanax to chill out. I lied and said I was sick because that’s what my dad told the school.
I didn’t want to get in trouble. I’ve missed a lot of school lately. ”
He let out a breath that sounded almost relieved, and he searched my face like he was determining if I was telling the truth.
Enoch must have decided I was because he pulled me against his chest suddenly, his hand sweeping over my hair as he held my head against his beating heart.
It was surprisingly slow, and I timidly brought my arms around his back, a silence falling between us that was filled with the unasked questions radiating off Enoch.
“Say something,” I finally muttered, unable to take the tension.
He chuckled, the sound making my lips twitch into a smile. I pulled away, my hands resting on his forearms and he let his own fall to my waist.
“Well, I mean, I have a lot of other questions,” he finally said. I was expecting him to be frustrated but he didn’t seem to be.
“Like?”
“Are you and Adrian still dating?”
I blinked at him with surprise and shook my head. “No, definitely not.”
Enoch bit his lip, nodding in thought for a moment before continuing. “But you were together?”
I looked over his shoulder at the family photo from when Enoch looked to be seven or eight. God, he is so lucky to have the family I don’t. He was such a cute kid with his little round face and gelled down curls.
Get. A. Grip. Shiloh.
“Not officially. And he’s a family friend, so he’s kinda always going to be in my life,” I explained. It might have been a half-truth, but he didn’t seem to notice.
“And you were going to visit another family friend together?”
My chest tightened with guilt for all the secrets I was keeping.
“Yes,” I pursed my lips, hoping he believed me.
“Sorry, last question, and—” he cleared his throat like he was nervous and just trying to stall. I tensed, and he squeezed my hips with a small smile. “I’m not trying to make you…I just…you guys aren’t in, like, a sexual relationship or anything?”
I was unsure of why he would ask me that, and he must have seen the confusion on my face.
“I’m not trying to be weird about what you do in your free time or whatever, I just…I really like you, Shiloh. Like, a lot. And I don’t want to act on those feelings if you’re seeing someone else.”
I stared at him in shock, gripping his arms as I felt like I was going to fall over.
“You like me?” I asked, the question ringing in my ears as I reeled from the possibility that this was reality and not a dream.
Enoch chuckled, sliding his hands to my lower back and linking his hands together as he stepped so our hips were touching. That familiar warm feeling in my chest radiated across my whole body, the anxiety and tension evaporating.
“Yeah. I do.”
I couldn’t help the smile that spread across my face.
“Me too,” I whispered. I could have sworn I saw a twinkle in his eye with delight before he pulled me into his chest and hugged me.
I should’ve lied. I should’ve told him I didn’t feel the same way.
I shouldn’t have given him false hope that we might end up in a relationship.
It was selfish. But maybe he was selfish too.
He was going to be leaving for the military anyway.
What did it matter that I would be the one to break him first?
We could just pretend for a little while that neither of us was leaving.
As much as I tried to reason with my decision to lead him on, the guilt swelled in my chest. I was drowning on dry land.
Enoch let out a sigh, squeezing me gently before stepping back and lacing his fingers with mine. He began walking us down the hall and I looked up at him, still in shock.