Chapter 28
Twenty-Eight
Enoch
I stared numbly at Shiloh’s limp body and jumped when my dad touched my shoulder.
“She’s okay, bud. Just hyperventilated. Let’s roll her into a recovery position. Jae, hand me that pillow and blanket.”
My hands were shaking as I removed myself from straddling Shiloh and helped my dad to position her onto her side.
I watched her chest rise and fall, her cheeks slowly gaining color back as her eyes began to swell.
“How long until she wakes up?” I asked, keeping my eyes fixed on her.
Dad joined Jae and I on the floor, his legs crossed. “A few minutes maybe.”
“Jesus. That was scary as hell,” I muttered, leaning my body weight against my dad’s side. My heart was still pounding with adrenaline, and I wanted to cry. Fuck, I hope I didn’t hurt her while I was holding her arms down.
Dad’s arm wrapped around my shoulders, and he kissed the top of my head. I felt his hand reach over to pat Jae on the shoulder. My mom was hugging Esther in the hallway looking on. Shiloh’s screaming had sent them both running downstairs to see what was going on.
“Do you know what triggered her panic attack? Were you guys watching a scary movie or something?”
“No. I think it might have been my fault.”
“Why do you say that?”
“I confronted her about…something. And I think it might have freaked her out a little.”
My dad pulled me away from him so he could look into my eyes.
“What happened?”
“Well,” I paused, looking over my shoulder at Jae. “She was acting strange, and we had some reasons to believe that she might have been doing drugs.”
I looked back at my dad to find his brow raised, asking for more details.
“I asked her about it. She told me what I had seen her take was a Xanax for anxiety and she admitted that she uses weed sometimes. But I believed her when she said she doesn’t use any other drugs.”
“Hm.” My dad nodded, looking back at Shiloh.
“Do you think she was lying then? Why would she…I don’t know, have a panic attack if she was telling the truth?” Jae’s question hung in the air as I studied Shiloh’s sleeping face. Her eyes were puffy and red from her tears, and I quickly stood.
“Gonna get her some ice for her eyes when she wakes up.”
My mom squeezed my arm as I passed her, and she told me she’d give us some space and head back upstairs. I stepped into the kitchen, the ice cream melting on the counter, and leaned over the island, my head in my hands.
Fuck. I shouldn’t have asked her like that. I should’ve been more sensitive.
Her screams when I held her arms down to stop her from hurting herself were still echoing in my ears.
Pressure built behind my eyes, and I let out a shaky breath.
I shouldn’t have been crying. I felt stupid when Shiloh was the one who needed attention, but I couldn’t stop the tears escaping my eyes.
Get it together. Shiloh is going to wake up confused and you need to be in there. I stood up, wiping my face and letting out a deep breath.
“Hey.”
I jumped, clearing my throat. “Hey.”
I ignored Jae’s heavy stare, focusing on putting the ice cream away and grabbed a kitchen towel to fill with ice. His hand landed on my arm, and I met his eyes.
“It’s not your fault.”
My chest sank and I felt the urge to cry return. “No, it was. And I feel terrible.”
Jae took the towel from my hands and dropped it onto the counter, pulling me into a hug. I sighed, hugging him back.
“That was intense, dude,” Jae said.
I nodded against his shoulder and squeezed him. I was glad I wasn’t the only one completely off-balance after witnessing her panic attack. I let myself enjoy the comfort he offered, knowing I needed to get back to Shiloh soon before she woke up.
???
November 11, Thursday
Shiloh
I tried to pry my eyes open but after several attempts I recognized the familiar sensation of them being swollen from crying. I swept through my memory to piece together why I was crying, and I cringed audibly.
“Shy?”
Oh god.
“Hi,” I mumbled.
Jesus was I screaming? My throat burns like a motherfucker.
“Here. Some ice.”
I nodded, taking the cold towel and holding it against my face.
Oh my fucking fuck. Fuck this shit. Fuck this motherfucking shit.
My embarrassment was overwhelming, and I had no way of even excusing what was very obviously a panic attack.
If I could see, I would have already run out the house to avoid this entire fucking situation.
But instead, I was stuck lying on the floor temporarily blind while his whole fucking family witnessed the aftermath.
The silence was unbearable. Are we just going to pretend nothing happened? Great. Good. Fine. I cleared my throat, setting the towel aside and rolling to a sitting position.
“I should just go.”
Enoch’s hands gripped mine, the bite of cold shocked me. He must have been holding the ice. How the fuck long was I out for?
“I think you should wait for your vision to clear.”
I groaned, my eyes burning as I rolled them behind my eyelids. Of course he’s going to be nice and rational. Damn you.
“I don’t want you to feel embarrassed. Or feel like you need to leave because of what happened. If you want to go home, I’ll take you, but we’re happy to have you stay the night too. Whatever you feel comfortable with.”
“Why can’t you just be a dick and tell me to go home?”
He chuckled softly, pulling me up to a standing position.
“So, you want to go lay down in my room? Or stay down here on the couch?”
I shrugged.
“Hop on then.”
The fuck?
I yelped as my body tilted forward, my legs leaving the ground.
“I can walk you fucktrumpet.”
Enoch simply laughed, his back shaking against me and I wrapped my arms around his neck.
“We’re just gonna chill in my room for a bit.”
I realized he must be addressing Jae or his family, but their response must’ve been a head nod because no one spoke as we ascended the stairs.
We made it to his room, the smell of his cologne infused into the space, and he gently sat me on the edge of his bed.
The towel with ice had somehow made it upstairs with him and he left it in my lap.
“Go on, get comfy.”
“I’m in my clothes.”
“Yeah?”
I huffed in annoyance. “Like my outside clothes. Street clothes. Dirty, germ-infested clothes.”
“Well, I wasn’t going to force you to change. But did you want to borrow something?”
I nodded and heard him rummaging in his dresser drawers.
“Here ya go. I’ll just close my eyes. I’m changing too but since you literally can’t see I don’t think I need to tell you not to peek.”
“Fuck off.”
I wasn’t concerned about him seeing me in a bra and underwear. Mostly because I fully trusted him when he said he wasn’t going to look, so I left my bra on the floor too. After slipping into his shirt and basketball shorts, I pulled back the blankets and sunk into his pillows.
“Coast is clear. And just so you know, I definitely would’ve looked if I wasn’t blind right now.”
He hummed in amusement, and I felt the mattress sink with his weight. It was quiet except for the soft whir of the ceiling fan and muffled voices downstairs.
“So, on a scale of one to ten, how fucking crazy do you think I am now?”
The sheets ruffled as he adjusted his position. He used a hand on my hip to roll my body towards him.
“I’d say your baseline of crazy is a 6.5 on a good day. And after today…hm, maybe an 8.”
I reached out, shoving whatever his nearest body part was. He laughed like he was trying to stifle the sound, and I kicked his leg.
“So violent today, too.”
I gave Enoch my middle finger and his hand latched onto mine, pulling my hand to his chest until my palm rested between his pecs.
I could feel his body heat through his shirt and shivered.
I hissed when he pulled my sleeve up my arm.
Right. I was scratching the fuck out of myself before I passed out.
Enoch’s fingertips grazed the raw skin sending goosebumps across my body.
I tried to pull my hand back, but he didn’t budge.
Instead, he pulled my sleeve back down and kissed my palm.
I could still feel his lips as he returned my hand to his chest. I wondered, not for the first time, what the hell he was thinking in becoming my friend. And now…feelings.
Fuck.
I wish life wasn’t so cruel. I wish I wasn’t forced to be older than I am. I wish I was actually seventeen. I wish my biggest problem was worrying about going on a date with my first crush.
I wish…
“Has that ever happened before?”
I sighed trying to ignore all the reasons why I should be pushing Enoch away.
“Um, yeah.”
“So, they happen often? Is that why you take Xanax?”
I shook my head, rolling over to grasp the ice and return it to my face. I focused on the cool dampness of the towel, desperate to avoid thinking about literally anything else.
“Do you want me to turn the lights off? I know it’s early, but we could just go to sleep.”
“What about Jae?”
“He’s a big boy. He can take care of himself.”
I pulled my hand back from his chest. Space. I needed space. Enoch always made my head spin out of control. I was acting like a fucking selfish fuckwit, and I needed to screw my head on straight. I shouldn’t have come tonight. I should never have started something I knew I’d never finish with him.
My body shifted as Enoch’s weight left the bed.
Fuck, did he say he was leaving or something?
“Enoch?”
“Don’t worry. I just hit the lights,” he explained as he returned to bed. “I texted Jae we’re gonna be up here for a while.”
I growled in frustration and cursed my damn mind for ruining the evening.
“I’m a terrible friend to him. I feel like I always end up with you in your room whenever we make plans to hang out as a group.”
“Gee, you don’t have to sound so disappointed by my company,” he said, but I could tell by his voice that he was smiling.
“Shut up.”
The silence stretched and I found myself shaking my foot to stay awake.
“What are you thinking about?”
I huffed into darkness. “How much you’d hate me if you knew me.”
I was glad I couldn’t see his face to judge his reaction.
I kept mine blank, waiting for him to respond.
The silence seemed to drag on forever and I figured he’d fallen asleep, so I rolled away from him.
I will tell him after Sebastian’s party that I’m not interested.
Then cut ties. With both of them. Well, all of them.
Sebastian. Enoch. Jae. They don’t deserve their lives to be fucked up by my mess of a life.
The sooner I say goodbye the better it is for everyone.
“I don’t think I could ever hate you, Shy.”
Fuck. I clutched my hand to my chest, feeling it bang erratically. “I thought you fell asleep, shitbird. You’re gonna send me into cardiac arrest.”
Enoch slid his arm over my waist until he had enough leverage to turn my body and pull it against his front.
“Sorry. I was just trying to think of a reason as to why in the world I would ever hate you. And unless you’re a member of the KKK or a neo-Nazi or something, I just don’t have a hateful bone in my body.
Sure, I might dislike someone, but, honestly, short of what I just mentioned, I don’t think I could ever hate you. ”
I shook my head. If he only knew he was hugging a murderer.
Yeah, sure, it was under duress, Shiloh, but still. You fucking killed someone. You. Took. Their. Life.
I told myself that I was just putting them out of their misery.
But that sentiment didn’t work. Not really.
Not when I let myself remember the way the trigger felt when I pressed it or remember the coppery smell of his blood that was already pooling beneath him before I shot him.
Not when I remembered his dead eyes as Carlos removed the head covering and I realized who exactly I had just murdered.
My palms started sweating.
“Good girl.”
I clenched my jaw until it hurt but the pain did nothing to wipe out Carlos’s voice running on a loop in my mind. I’m sick. So fucking sick for liking the praise. For that singular moment in time where I didn’t regret what I’d done.
“Tell me something,” I blurted out. Desperate for a distraction. “Anything.”
“Have I ever told you about the time I went zip lining in Alaska?”
I shook my head, trying hard to focus on the way his arm felt tucked against my stomach. The feel of his breath on my neck as he spoke.
“Well, when I was ten, we were stationed in Alaska and there’s this zipline park in the Denali National Forest. My dad and I went, and it was my first time ever zip lining. I was honestly so scared I was sweating my ass off despite it being 60 degrees.”
He let out a sigh.
“I swear it’s the closest thing to flying you’ll ever experience.
You climb up into the tree canopies and the views—Shy, the views are just breathtaking.
Alaska is the most beautiful place I’ve ever had the privilege of living in.
The snowcapped mountains, the varying shades of green trees flying by you.
The tundra. The wind whipping through your clothes and hair.
The smell of the trees and fresh mountain air.
It’s…I can’t even describe it. And I wish I could go again now as an adult.
“I don’t think anything can compare to that experience.
And it was almost ten years ago that it happened.
I know you’ve asked before my favorite place I lived, and I told you Colorado, but, honestly, Alaska is a close second.
The only downside to Alaska was that it’s isolated, and it’s expensive for family to visit. ”
I nodded, feeling my limbs start to relax and wincing when I realized I had been digging my nails into Enoch’s arm. I smooth my fingers over the indents I’d left in his forearm.
“It wasn’t uncommon to see moose roaming around the on-base housing area.
Those guys are big. And mean. And I’ve got no shame saying they scared the crap out of me.
And we even saw a bear once. It was about half a football field away from us, moving towards some wooded area of our housing community.
I was at the park, and I just stood there still as a statue.
Luckily, it didn’t seem to give a crap about me or the other kids on the playground. ”
I smiled to myself trying to picture a younger version of Enoch.
It wasn’t too hard considering his family had so many pictures hung around their house.
His hair used to be longer, longer than it was now, falling past his ears and almost to his shoulders in the back.
I smiled at the image in my mind. Relaxing further into his body as the low rumble of his voice lulled me to sleep.