Chapter Two Echo Chamber
Chapter two
Echo Chamber
“Have a good Christmas,” Jayden called out to the procession of suitcases and boxes trundling past him, masking the dread with rehearsed cheerfulness.
Some students replied to him. Some offered a glimmer of a smile. Most, though, ignored him. As was the norm. The hallway of his university Halls of Residence, usually abuzz with chatter and laughter, or the occasional howl of vomiting from the freshers nursing a hangover, echoed with the hollow rumble of wheels and the thud of doors closing one last time before everyone left for the holiday break. Going nowhere, Jayden stood by his doorway, ruffling his dark hair and sorting the messy curls back into their bird’s nest style, smile fading with each figure disappearing through the exit and leaving him wrapped in the usual shroud of solitude he was far more used to.
Third year of this, and it didn’t get any easier.
Thuds down the communal stairway to the ground floor caught his attention, along with the familiar warmth from the acerbic holler of his name, “Oi, Jayden!”
Jayden grinned, hitching his door open with the wooden stopper, and ran to the end of his corridor to shoulder open the communal door and greet Nita, suitcase in tow, her vibrant jacket a tapestry of rich purples and golds defying the dreariness settling around and within him.
“Thought you’d left without saying goodbye,” Jayden teased, though relief softened his words.
“And miss the chance to see your ugly mug?” Despite her jest, concern flickered in her eyes. She knew the holidays were a lonely stretch for him. The university campus nestled within central London transformed into a ghost town for the next month, and he’d be the only one walking among them.
“Ugly? I’m hurt.” He feigned offence, but the warmth in his tone betrayed him and he held his hands under his chin in a Vogue pose. “This face? The Romeo to your Juliet?”
Despite them having played that iconic romantic pairing during their class’s retelling of the Shakespeare classic, they’d changed the original play to have the audience howling with laughter rather than shedding tears from the tragedy. Jayden’s Romeo had ended up with Mercutio and Juliet had decided she received more joy from her own hand.
Y’know, more authentic.
“Come here, you.” Nita rose on her tiptoes to pull him in for a hug.
Jayden closed his eyes, accepting her embrace. It was these small gestures, freely given, that anchored him to this place. Nita, along with a handful of others, made ULC, University of London City, feel like home. The only one he’d ever known, anyway. And for the past three years of him living in these Halls of Residence, he dug his heels in further. This goodbye was hard enough, but come next July, it would be permanent.
No place lasted forever.
As he knew all too well.
“Why don’t you come stay with me?” Nita leaned away, arm still wrapped around his neck.
“I can’t intrude on your family like that. Not at Christmas.”
“We don’t celebrate Christmas.”
“But you use the season to be together, though, right?”
“Yeah, but.” She sighed, dropping to her feet. “I can’t bear the thought of you here all alone. It’s literally dead. No one will hear you scream.”
“Don’t reckon I’ll be screaming much.”
“No?” She slapped his chest. “Not getting any?”
“Sadly, no.”
“That’s even sadder! You have this entire building empty and you’re not even gonna see if you can get two grown men in that shared shower room?”
“I know, right.” He shrugged. Being alone at Christmas sucked. Even more when he wasn’t the type who brought blokes home all that much. It was his issue. Not in terms of commitment as such, more through fear he’d latch on too tight. “I’ll be fine.”
He wasn’t sure he would, but he was used to saying those words to the point he almost believed them. Or at least made them more convincing than the lip service he gave to his social worker. He’d spent two summers and two Christmases here alone, the student cohort changing each year, and with them all having families to go home to, ironically, he was the only stability in West Halls. Even the walls changed colour each year. This year, they were green. Puke green. It was a slight improvement to the headache inducing violet of last year. But he was like the light fixtures. Sort of broken, but hanging on. The guiding beacon, shining to welcome everyone back. If they came back.
Many didn’t.
Nita might not.
The thought choked him.
“What are you gonna do all by yourself in this shit hole?” Nita asked. “Do they even clean the place when it’s empty?”
“No.”
Nita grimaced. “To be fair, they don’t do a great job when we’re all here. Empty the bins, and that’s it. ‘Cept they always poke in the room when there’s more than one of you in it, right?” She nudge-nudged, wink-winked.
“Lucky I’m very elf-sufficient.” Jayden winked to bring her in on the pun.
“Fuck off!” She shoved his chest. “You got the job?”
“I did. Shame it’s not an actual acting gig, but it’ll get me through the winter.”
Nita smiled and her phone ringing caused them to part. She answered, holding up a finger to Jayden. She spoke in her mother tongue, then hung up. “Dad’s waiting in the car.”
Jayden peered through the grimy window. Outside, their part of London buzzed with relentless energy. Red buses trundled by, filled with passengers wrapped in scarves and anticipation. Shoppers weaved through the streets, clutching gifts and hearts full of festive cheer. Laughter spilled from the open doors of pubs, and the air itself seemed to crackle with the electricity of a city alive with the promise of Christmas.
Inside here, behind the campus gates, the silence was a tangible entity, pressing in on Jayden with the weight of all the holidays he’d spent forging joy in solitude. Despite being used to it, it was in these moments when the world went on without him, that the boy who grew up in foster care, who barely knew his own mother and had never met his father, forever leaving him to wonder which box to tick on the ethnicity form, had learned to build family out of strangers.
But strangers left, too.
“Sure you’ll be okay?” Nita asked again.
She asked the same every time she went back home to her family in Birmingham, leaving him behind. It was why, in her third year, she’d not done what most second and third-year students did and rented a shared house with others, instead choosing to get a room in halls where it was mostly first-year students and him. She didn’t want Jayden to feel an outcast. To notice the difference in their lives. A sweet gesture, but Jayden would always feel the difference, all the way to his core.
“Yes, Nits. I’m going to spend most of the day at the mall, chasing little children.”
“You’re way too happy about that.”
Jayden laughed and shoved her arm. “I like kids.”
Nita grimaced. “Each to their own.”
“Seeing their little faces light up when they see Santa will make my Christmas. And getting to be part of that magic might make coming home to this dreary shit hole that bit easier.” He might not have had the chance to believe in Santa himself, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want to experience the joy of living it vicariously through the eyes of little children meeting their hero.
“Only you could turn a temporary cleaning job into a seasonal spectacular,” Nita teased, her eyes crinkling with mirth. “Will you be doing dramatic elf entrances? Perhaps a somersault or two for the kiddies?”
“Wouldn’t put it past me.” Jayden struck a theatrical pose, a hand to his forehead in mock distress. “Alas, I fear the mall’s insurance policy might not cover elf acrobatics.”
“More’s the pity.” Nita leaned on the wall beside him. “Could have put that circus skills elective we took to good use.”
“Could you imagine me swinging from the scaffolds of the Big Top?”
“Strangely, yeah.” Nita snorted. “Seriously, though, you’ll be the hit of the holiday season. You’ve got that…what do they call it? ‘Elfin charm’.”
“Elf-esteem?” Jayden nudged her shoulder with his own. God, he was going to miss her the moment she walked out of that open door. Who would he use up all his Christmas puns on then?
“You definitely believe in your elf .”
“Shall we take a quick elfie ?” Jayden fished out his phone, held it up to them both, and they stuck out their tongues, making the peace sign for him to capture the shot that would become his reminder that there was someone out there thinking about him. Even if it was in a purely platonic, friendship, almost-sibling kind of way. He tucked his phone back in his jeans. “Is it lame to say I’m looking forward to it? Bringing some cheer, even if I will be on my own this Christmas.”
As he was last Christmas.
And the ones before that.
“Nah. The zesty Jayden Collins, spreading joy to the world one tinsel-covered moment at a time.”
“I am simply ear-risistable.”
Nita cracked out a laugh, but her gaze softened, and she clutched his hand. “You’ll have your own family someday, you know. One that’ll stick around for all the seasons, not just the holidays.”
Whilst Nita didn’t know all the ins and outs of his childhood, she’d garnered enough from knowing he was a care leaver to understand how his one and only wish for Christmas was to feel part of someone’s life. To be wanted. Needed . And all wrapped up in someone who felt the same. Someone who might want him to hang around longer than the decorations did.
“Until then, I’ve got my makeshift family.” Jayden gave her hand a grateful squeeze. “So you better come back.”
“You know I will.”
“Your dad might try to make you switch to that dentistry degree.”
“Me? Sticking my fingers into other people’s mouths?” She shuddered. “Not a chance.” She pushed him off the wall. “Now go on, get out there and work that elfin magic. London won’t enchant itself. Bet you’ll end up directing the mall’s Christmas pageant by the end of the week and I’ll be pissed off I didn’t get to be your stage manager.”
“Hey, if the pointy shoe fits.” Jayden did a little hop, skip and jump, landing with a twist and a ta-dah . Nita snorted. “You still thinking you wanna be behind the scenes after graduation?”
“Yeah. Stardom isn’t for me. But you…” She whistled. “Hey, do you have the costume?”
“I do.” He angled his head back to the open door of his room. The only room in the entire student Halls of Residence to be occupied from now until the end of January.
Nita peered over his shoulder, then gave him a look of remorse. No one wanted to be on their own for Christmas, even if they didn’t celebrate it. But Jayden was used to it. It was other people who made him realise it wasn’t quite normal.
What was normal?
Certainly not his upbringing.
“Promise me you’ll take care of yourself?” Nita said, voice carrying a rare seriousness as she grabbed the handle of her suitcase.
“I’ll take care of my elf.”
Nita shoved him. “Stop with the puns!”
“Hey, my elf puns sleigh .”
Nita groaned. “I mean it, Jayden. Don’t go clubbing on your own.”
Jayden splayed a hand to his chest in a who me pose.
“Inferno is full of old codgers trying to cop a feel. Especially at Christmas.” She pointed a warning finger. “So don’t let that kid from your old care home make you go there again. The one with the pink hair.”
“Aaron?”
“Yeah. He’s…a bad influence.”
“He’s been through a lot.” More than a lot. Jayden’s life was a fairytale in comparison.
“He’s still not good for you.”
“Who is?”
“A bloke who doesn’t offer his dick in return for twenty quid?”
Jayden let out a soft chuckle despite the gravity of the moment. “To be honest, he only promises it. Not much of a deliverer, if you know what I mean. Leaves a lot of the blokes unsatisfied.”
“A cock tease?”
“Yeah.”
“Know that from experience, do ya?”
“No.” Jayden shuddered at the thought. “He’s like a brother. As close a one as I’ve ever had, anyway.”
Nita had a ton of siblings, and in a way, so did Jayden. Every care kid was like a brother-in-arms to him. Still, Nita gave him the look of worry.
“It’s fine. I’m fine. Being alone doesn’t mean being lonely. Not entirely, anyway. I’m pretty good company, if I do say so myself.”
“Modest too.” Nita bumped her shoulder into his. Then they paused, lingering on the threshold that separated the warmth of their friendship from the crisp December chill awaiting her outside.
“Go on.” Jayden angled his head toward the exit door. “Get outta here.” He put on a mock New York gangster accent.
Nita flicked his ear, then stepped out of the student residence, Jayden following behind. The heavy door closed with a definitive thud, as if making sure Jayden knew he was the last one left, and a faint drizzle fell, casting the city in a reflective sheen that shimmered under the streetlights.
“We’ll WhatsApp every day, yeah?”
Jayden thought perhaps it was her feeling the tug of loneliness. “I’ll call you on my elf phone.”
“I can’t take it!” Nita slapped her hands over her ears. “And if you don’t send me at least one ridiculous selfie in those ears, I’ll go study dentistry.”
“Deal.” Jayden chuckled, the promise hanging between them like the unspoken pact of enduring friendship they’d woven over countless late-night study sessions and shared secrets.
The chill of the December air nipped Jayden’s cheeks as he watched Nita drag her suitcase along the pavement toward where her dad’s car idling outside the gates. He then pushed back through the doors of the student residence, the echo of emptiness settling in the halls. If he was a singer, he could make use of the acoustics. But he wasn’t. He was a drama student. And despite all of Nita’s encouragement and support, he wasn’t even a particularly good one. He hadn’t got into the major stage schools, them not offering the financial aide the melting pot of ULC had for someone with his background. So he had to make do with ambition, determination and luck to change his fate.
The fate being that most kids who’ve spent a lifetime in care end up with nothing.
He kicked the stopper from his room door and ducked inside, the heavy thud of the metal slamming like a prison cell and closing him in for winter. Behind it, though, hung the costume that his manager at the mall where he’d been on the cleaning staff then promoted to grotto elf had given him to try on. He stared at it with a fleeting flutter low in his belly. This holiday season, he was going to be more than Jayden, the care kid with a penchant for making others smile when he couldn’t. He was ready to be JJ , the elf who brought a touch of wonder to every heart he encountered.
Maybe starting with his own.