Chapter 6 #3
Good was hardly the word for the undeniable rightness of being with him – for the way she and Jude had fused together like burning atoms. Nor for the terror and joy she’d felt at finally giving in to a need she’d kept at bay for years.
Good was a poor label for long nights of hungry hands sliding over bare skin.
For the kick of satisfaction that came with smelling like his citrussy shower gel the next day.
‘And then what?’ Charlie asked.
‘And then it fell apart, just like I’d always been frightened it would if I let myself trust it.’ Hannah was smart enough to know her father had gifted her with an unusually intense fear of abandonment – but also that, when it came to her and Jude, she should have listened to it.
She steeled herself and went on. ‘I’ll spare you, and myself, the gory details.
The point is that, for all the things we’d planned and promised one another, he couldn’t stand still.
Couldn’t stop himself from doing the next impressive thing that was expected of him.
He couldn’t even pause for long enough to ask himself whether it was what he wanted.
Jude was like a train with no brakes, running on rails that ended god knew where.
I had to choose whether to cling on and head to wherever he took me, or . . .’
‘Go your own way?’
‘Exactly,’ Hannah said. ‘I finally understood that the things I cared about, wanted for myself – like getting Eventurous up and running – would never be as flashy or important, or make as much money, as the opportunities he’d have.
But they mattered to me. It hit me that I couldn’t be a passenger, someone who’d easily lift out of any situation because I didn’t truly belong there.
I couldn’t live like that, when what I wanted was for us to build a life together.
So I ended things. And he was so angry with me that, up until this morning, he never spoke to me again. ’
Hannah was dry-eyed but utterly wrung out. She’d pulled this story from somewhere so deep inside herself, the telling of it had left her feeling hollow: like she was raw and bleeding where its roots had been yanked free.
Charlie, brushing tears from her own lashes, said: ‘It sounds like you did the right thing. And it was cruel of him to cut you off; brutal to throw a decade of friendship on the fire. I’m docking hotness points for that – probably enough to offset the glasses.
And you know how much I love a man in slutty little glasses. ’
Hannah managed a watery chuckle, then said: ‘It was beyond shit. And I haven’t forgiven him – not that he’s ever asked.’
‘D’you think he was over here just for today?’ Charlie said. ‘Just for the conference?’
‘I guess so,’ Hannah answered. ‘Much as it pains me to say it, that project is the sort of work anyone would be proud of. It’s natural he’d want to show it off.’
‘Long way to come for one event, though,’ Charlie mused.
‘Mad, in fact. You don’t think . . . you don’t think he’s back back, do you?
That he’s taken a job at Sheffield Uni or something, and that’s why he came to the conference?
It was a small one, when you think about it.
Of course the organisation and catering were on point, but it was hardly the sort of event you’d expect someone to travel halfway around the world for. ’
Hannah felt her heart stutter. She hadn’t even considered this.
From some recess in her mind, however, there came a reminder that – leaving aside his treatment of her – Jude had always been fiercely loyal.
If Clive had asked him personally to come to the conference, he might well have said yes for that reason alone.
‘Highly unlikely,’ she said. ‘You don’t give up the sort of money he’s sure to be earning, not to mention two hundred days of sunshine a year, to become an overworked, underpaid academic in South Yorkshire.
’ She’d intended for this to sound bracing and authoritative but ended up coming off as scornful.
‘Fair points,’ Charlie agreed. ‘Though you’ve got to assume he’ll see his family before hoofing it back to the airport.’ She hesitated for a moment. ‘Do you think he’ll try to contact you before he goes?’
‘No!’ Hannah cried. ‘Why would he?’
‘To apologise for this morning, maybe? Take the opportunity to make things . . . better, if not right? I’d say it’s pretty clear he owes you that.’
‘No,’ Hannah said. ‘Like I told you, he’s never bothered before. And if anything, what happened earlier has clarified something important. Something I only half understood until today.’
‘And what’s that?’ Charlie asked.
‘In his head, I’m the bad guy,’ Hannah told her.
‘I ruined what we had. That’s why he scorched the earth between us – and why he’ll head back to Australia without a backward glance.
’ She reached for what was left of her wine and drained the glass.
‘As far as Jude’s concerned, I broke his heart.
I’m pretty sure he thinks he has nothing to say sorry for. ’