20. Twenty
Twenty
Rosie
T he sensation of weightlessness in the water eludes me. Dark thoughts and despair hold me captive, suffocating my every breath.
For the past week, I’ve felt like a stranger in my own skin.
I feel lost and alone.
I feel heartbroken for the Rosie of the past who thought she could be herself. I am not myself.
I haven’t left the safety of Vic’s home. I haven’t gotten ready, gone to work, or even talked to anyone besides Vic.
I can’t help but replay the events of last weekend in my mind, like a twisted horror movie montage.
I can’t feel Vic caressing my lip as Jess spilled the drink on me or the laughter I shared with Jess as we ran from the guys.
All I feel is a cold sweat over my hollow shell as I think of the guy in the black mask who grabbed me. How I was so paralyzed with fear that I couldn’t help my friend.
I feel responsible. I am responsible. I should know better .
I grew up in this life. This is all my fault. Jess is fine, according to Axl. I’m a terrible friend. I don’t want her to see me. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. It’s bad enough Vic gets to see this version of me who barely talks, eats, or takes a shower. It’s the version he’s rolled with since coming back the morning after the attack.
He brings me food three times a day, makes sure I’m safe, and he holds me. Sometimes it isn’t about the big grand gestures; it’s about the simple things, like knowing he has you and he will catch you if you fall. Which I have done more often than not. He just picks me up and wipes my tears, which have yet to stop.
I poke my finger in the water of Vic’s pool and bring it a few inches above the surface. Small droplets hit the water, and a giant ring branches out before disappearing into the depths of darkness surrounding me.
A rustling sound catches my attention, and I hold my breath. I went around the house and switched off all the lights on the outside, even the ones that would turn on automatically with any movement.
Vic would be pissed if he knew this, but I wanted to see the stars.
I wanted to find a piece of myself in the pile of pieces that I know I am. I’ve always loved gazing at the stars, but I feel nothing when I look at them.
The sound of footsteps intensifies. “Vic, is that you?” I call as I see a dark figure walk into the water.
“Shit, I didn’t know you were out here. I thought you were in bed.”
“I couldn’t sleep. ”
He gets closer, and his eyes narrow before going wide. “Are you fucking naked?”
I ignore his question.
“I can’t even float anymore.” My voice cracks.
“Let me help you.”
“You can’t,” I say as a tear falls into the water.
He grabs my hand. “Come here. Lie flat.” His forearms support my back and right below my butt.
I should feel a mix of excitement and nervousness at the prospect of him seeing me naked, but all I feel is hollow and numb.
“You’re stiff as fuck. Close your eyes and let the water hold you.” His voice is close to a whisper.
I close my eyes, but the sensation of being pulled into utter darkness intensifies, so I quickly open them again and lock gazes with him.
“I can’t.”
“Try for me one more time.”
Despite my desire to keep them open, I obey his insistence and close my eyes.
His timbre is gentle and low as he speaks. “You’re walking through the forest after a storm. You can feel the soft mud beneath your feet and the cool mist in the air. The scent of damp leaves and brush fills your nose. A variety of olive, khaki, and brown earthy hues color the space. Your steps quicken as you’re drawn to the glowing light at the end of the path. The path leads you to the edge of the forest, where the sunlight reflects on the surface of a massive lake. The water is clear and crisp, with a rainbow reflecting on its surface. You walk farther into the clearing and down the dock. With your head tilted toward the sky, you sit on the dock and take a deep breath. The scent of freedom fills your lungs as you inhale deeply.”
Gracefully gliding across the water, I take a deep breath in as he instructs and feel an overwhelming sense of peace wash over me.
He did in two minutes what I haven’t been able to do all week.
I feel myself falling, not because of the trauma, but because of the man holding me.
“Can you be there with me? On the dock?” I whisper while keeping my eyes closed, not wanting to break the spell.
“You want me to be?”
“Yeah.”
“I see you sitting alone, your hair dancing in the wind, and I can’t resist the urge to join you and savor the moment together. Once I sit, my hand intertwines with yours, and we enjoy the view.”
Vic hums, and I begin to feel calm until his arms leave my body.
“Don’t let me go.”
He pulls me close again. “Never.”
“I’m floating again.”
“You are.”
“Because of you.”
“No, baby, it’s all because of you.”
I tilt myself closer to him, and my breathing increases as a very free, hard bulge pokes me. “Are you naked?”
“Let’s act like I’m not.”
“What if I don’t want to?”
“That’s dangerous, princess.”
“I trust you.”
“You shouldn’t. ”
“But I do.”
As I gaze into his eyes, a tingling sensation burns in my chest and travels to my belly.
I want him.
I want more.
“I want you to be my first,” I say before I lean up to give him a kiss.
He pulls his head away and looks at me. “Not right now.”
The tingling and burning vanish as embarrassment washes over me.
I wish the darkness could swallow me whole. I can’t believe I just threw myself at him, and he rejected me.
I try to move out of his arms, but his grip tightens.
“Why?”
“Because you aren’t you yet.”
I nod as my heart drops into my stomach. He sees me as damaged.
“I’m broken.”
“You’re not broken, baby.”
“Then, why?”
His gaze locks onto mine as his hand gently brushes against my face.
“I want to see the fire in your eyes as I touch you. Hear the ecstasy fall from your lips as I thrust into you. I want you to hold onto me, not because you’re scared, but because you can’t get close enough, because I can’t get deep enough. I want you to feel me in every way. I want to consume you.”
My breath catches in my throat. His words caress every piece of me inside and out. But I want more. I need more.
“But I want to feel you now. ”
Indecision mars his features as he contemplates my words. He bites his lip as he looks into my eyes. He moves us to the stairs and then out of the pool. The feeling of weightlessness hits me at the same time as goose bumps pebble my flesh from the slight breeze.
“Are you going to take me in there?” I ask as I point at the guesthouse where he takes all his conquests.
He shakes his head. “You’ll never belong in there.”
He carries us through the house soaking wet, but neither of us cares. I’m lost in his eyes and the small smile he keeps giving me. Is he just as nervous as I am?
Vic places me on his bed and looks down at me with another expression I can’t decipher.
“I’ve been waiting for this exact moment since I first laid eyes on you,” he whispers as he trails his finger from my bottom lip down my chin and onto my neck. “Imagining you naked…” His finger travels between my breasts. “At my mercy to do with as I please. I tried to do the right thing. To stay away from you. But I can’t, not anymore. I won’t.” His eyes gaze into mine as his finger stops right above where I need him most. “Tell me you want this just as bad as I do. That you want me to taste you. To please you.”
“Yes.”
“Tonight, I plan to savor you as I should have done from the start.” He pulls my legs apart and rests them over his broad shoulders as his tongue meets my center.
I let out a surprised breath as his tongue explores me. This sensation surpasses all my wildest expectations.
As his caramel eyes meet mine, they seem to burn with intensity, matching the heat between us as his tongue explores my folds .
“God, you taste so fucking good,” he says as he kisses the inside of my thigh before burying his head between my legs again.
The sensation of his tongue caressing my throbbing clit sends jolts of pleasure through my body, causing my hips to jerk and my fingers to grip tightly onto his hair.
In seconds, he’s turned me into a quivering mess as I beg him not to stop. He grabs my nub and sucks, making me see stars as I hold on to his head and ride it out.
As I come down from my high, I make a promise to myself. From this day forward, I’m choosing to cherish my time with him.
No matter how long or short that time may be.