Chapter 19
MATEO
Meaningless sex with a willing partner was the only sex I’d had in years. Until now. Until Rob. This was new. And strange.
And I couldn’t decide if this was complicated or not. I’d always been an expert at deflecting curiosity about my private life. I had to be. My family didn’t do boundaries well.
“Ahh, you have the moony eyes again,” Ma singsonged, patting my cheek. “I have good news. He likes you too.”
I furrowed my brow hard enough to give myself a headache but quickly rearranged my expression for the middle-aged woman and her kids at the counter.
“Would you mind taking a selfie with us?” she asked. “We’re in town for the bake-off tomorrow, and I know it’ll be madness here.”
“Sure thing.” I moved to the front of the register, mugging for the camera like a good sport.
The woman grinned from ear to ear. “Thank you so much. We’ve been following your competition from the beginning, and I have to say, you and Rob are a hoot.
We’re from Seattle. It was a bit of a hike to get here, but I’ve met folks from across the country who’ve come for the bake-off finale. Indiana, New York, Florida, Arizona.”
“Wow. That’s cool.”
“Yes! I agree. We just had to sample the goods in person and get a T-shirt. You have some here, right? I was hoping to buy one from both stores and avoid a line later.”
Boardwalk Pizza had carried cheap-ass tees with our logo on them since the seventies.
No one bought them…ever. But at Amber’s insistence, we’d splurged on good-quality T-shirts to sell online and in the store.
Sales had gone through the roof over the past month, so we’d added ball caps to the mix.
They’d be at the merch table tomorrow along with Great H Bagel’s stuff.
The influx of tourists walking down Main Street in our gear was cool yet disconcerting at the same time. Rob was right. This thing had taken on a life of its own.
“Of course. What sizes can I get you?”
“I got it, Cuz. You’ve got a few more selfie requests.” Vanni gestured to two couples, an older gentleman, and a family of five lurking nearby.
I schmoozed and smiled till my face hurt.
It was…exhausting. I didn’t put up much of a fight when my mother called for me.
She pulled me through the kitchen, where Sal, Jimmy, and a few other cousins and part-timers prepared pizzas over the din of a Billy Joel classic, and outside onto the stoop.
I sighed in relief at the relative quiet.
“What’s up, Ma?”
“Nothing. Come sit. You need a break.” She sat on the steps and pointed to the space beside her.
I obeyed, too tired to argue. Too many late nights and early mornings had caught up with me. “I’m tired,” I admitted.
Ma set her hand on my knee. “I know. This is bigger than expected, yes?”
“Yeah. You could say that.”
“Your father would have loved this.”
I turned my palm to squeeze her fingers. “You think so?”
She nodded. “He was a ham.”
I chuckled lightly. “He was.”
“Not shy of the camera, always shaking hands, making friends.” Ma bumped my elbow playfully. “Like you.”
“Dad was better at this than me.”
Ma shrugged. “Different, maybe, but not better. Your papa would be very proud of you, Teo.”
When her voice cracked, I put an arm over her shoulders and tugged her close. “Thanks.”
“And he would like Rob.”
“Everyone likes Rob.”
“No, I mean it. Don’t give me the off-brush,” she scolded.
“Brush-off.”
Ma swatted my arm. “I’m trying to be serious and tell you something. Something maybe you need to hear.”
“Ma, I love you, but I’ve got a store full of customers and I can’t—”
“Your cousins can handle pizza for ten minutes, eh? That is all the time it takes for me to say what I want to say. So listen.”
I threw my hands in the air. “I’m listening.”
She stared straight ahead. Her dark eyes fixed, unseeing, at the brick wall and the industrial trash bin beyond.
In profile, my mother reminded me of an aging Hollywood movie star.
Someone like Audrey Hepburn—graceful and serene and with a lot of spunk.
She tilted her proud chin in my direction, inhaled deeply, and spoke in Italian.
“You have made this store everything he wanted it to be, and for that he would be proud. But if it all went away, your papa would still be very proud of you. I think in your heart you know that.” She waited for my nod of acknowledgment and continued.
“He loved you, and nothing would change that. Nothing, Teo. He could be opinionated, that’s true, but at his core, he was filled with love.
And if he’d known you were gay…he would have supported you. No questions.”
I bit the inside of my cheek to keep rogue tears at bay and huffed. “No questions?”
“Okay, maybe some questions,” she conceded.
“But curious questions, not ugly questions. You were his everything, Teo! His pride, his joy, his reason to get up in the morning and put on that apron and greet the day. His son. Everything you did was magic to him. Your first step, your first haircut, your first tooth. He couldn’t wait to show you how to ride a bike, how to make dough, how to throw a football.
Every accomplishment was…well, I think our customers got a little tired of him bragging all the time about his successful son. ”
I smiled wanly. “Hmm.”
“When things didn’t go your way in Tennessee, he hurt for you. We both did. That’s what parents do. He worried about you and he thought you might be happy here. At least for a while. But his time was up…too soon. And I think you’re angry with him that you didn’t get to say what you wanted to say.”
I swallowed around the lump in my throat and swiped at my eyes. “I…”
“Pretend I am him,” Ma said gently. “Tell me, Teo. Look at me and say the words. Come, love.”
Part of me wanted to scream. What the fuck was she doing? Why now? This was not the time or place for an emotional heart to heart. I was too busy and this was a fucking alley and someone had to tell Sal to turn Bon Jovi down like…now.
But the other part of me was so, so very tired. So sad, so weary. Dad was never coming back and I wasn’t going anywhere any time soon, I hoped. So what could it hurt?
I twisted to face my mother. “I’m gay.”
“Good.” She smiled and inclined her head. “He says he knows and he loves you.”
I blubbered on a choked sob and buried my head in my hands. “What are you doing, Ma?”
“I’m helping you to move on. I hope so, anyway.
Because I think that’s a very nice man next door.
And I think he likes you quite a bit…even if you’re cranky.
Your papa would like Rob. Not because he played football, Teo, but because he makes you happy.
And that was all he ever wanted. Just for you to be happy. ”
She kissed tears from my cheeks and wrapped an arm around me while I gave into sorrow, mourning what was lost.
And somewhere in my grief spiral, it occurred to me that I’d let regret get the better of me for far too long.
No more. It was time to let go of the past.
I sucked in a gulp of air and exhaled. “Thanks, Ma.”
She kissed my cheeks, one then the other, before heading into the pizzeria.
I stood, brushing my jeans and retying my apron as Sal appeared on the stoop.
“You all right?”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine.”
He squinted and moved into my space, scanning my face for clues. “Whatever she said needed to be said. You’re good just the way you are, ya know? Stop beatin’ yourself up.”
I choked out a laugh. That little speech was a sonnet from Sal. He didn’t appreciate emotional exchanges any more than I did. I was touched that he tried, so I let him off easy.
“Thanks.”
“No prob. By the way, it’s a mob scene inside. Every seat is taken, and there’s a line out the door,” he reported.
“So what are you doin’ out here?”
Sal held up a cigarette. “I need a fuckin’ break. Get in there.”
I punched his shoulder lightly. “I will. I just…I have to do something first.”
I strode toward the rear entrance of Great H Bagels and let myself in through the screen door. I waved hello to the staff in the kitchen who all knew me by now, taking a second to check out the melee in the store. It was as crowded as Boardwalk Pizza.
I spotted Rob in the thick of things, chatting with customers and posing for selfies. My heart flipped in my chest on cue. I wanted to be annoyed, but I couldn’t bother pretending I wasn’t head over heels for this guy.
There was no way to get his attention without creating a scene, so I crept across the hall and sent him a text.
In your office. Got a sec?
Two minutes later, Rob opened the door and grinned. “What are you doing in here?”
“Gloating. I’m gonna kick your butt tomorrow,” I replied from my perch on the corner of his desk.
He stepped between my thighs and cupped my chin, a faux-grumpy expression fixed on his handsome face. “I don’t know about that. Our marinara has gotten pretty damn good.”
“Right.” I was going for derisive, but I was too charmed to pull it off. Fuck, I was a goner.
Pull it together, Cavaretti.
“If you’re trying to distract me with a booty call, it won’t work.” He pressed his mouth to mine. “Okay, it’ll probably work.”
“So tempting,” I whispered against his lips. “But no. It’s crazy next door, and they need me, but…uh…I have something to say and I don’t want to wait.”
“Sounds ominous.”
“It’s not. I mean…I don’t think it is.” I hopped off the desk to give myself room to pace. I couldn’t say this shit and look him in the eye. No way.
“Hey. What is it?”
“I’ve been thinking about what you said about wanting to protect me from the press. I wanted to assure you that I could handle it, and not to worry. Which is true, but that’s not what I really wanted to say.”
Rob cocked his head curiously. “O-kay…”
“What I wanted to say is…I, um…I care about you. I have, uh…feelings you know…for you, and uh—fuck.” I scraped my hand over my face and tried again.
“I’m all in, okay? I haven’t had a boyfriend in years, and the last one sucked.
But you don’t suck. You’re kind of amazing.
And yeah, I still plan on kicking your butt tomorrow, but that’s pizza.
Nothing personal. Thing is…you’re personal to me.
You’re important, and I want to be someone you lean on—tomorrow and every day. ”
His eyes softened and crinkled at the corners. “Teo…”
“Don’t. Don’t say a word. I can’t handle another emotional discussion.”
“Another one?”
I blew out an exasperated breath and nodded.
“My mom wanted to talk about my dad and…she’s right.
I don’t want to let another day go by without being a hundred percent honest with the people I care about most. I’m done with regret.
And now…I’ll stop. You don’t have to reply. In fact, I’d prefer it if you—”
Rob grabbed my elbow and crashed our mouths together. It was a scorching kiss with an undercurrent of tenderness that made me feel weak in the knees.
He licked his bottom lip and released me. “So…you and me?”
“I don’t know. Maybe? Let’s get through tomorrow and see how you feel after you lose.”
Rob hooted merrily. “You’re a terrible boyfriend.”
“The worst.”
We shared goofy-ass grins. And just as I was about to add something truly mortifying and sappy, Amber stormed into the office.
“Where the fuck are you, Robbie? We have—oh! Hi.” Amber glanced between us. “I can come back later.”
“No, it’s okay. I was leaving.” I brushed my fingers against Rob’s on my way to the door. “See you later.”