Chapter 17 #2
Like the first breath after being underwater too long, lungs burning, and finding the most beautiful sunset waiting over the ocean. That’s what she was—and still is—to me.
It caused relentless teasing from Marcus when he first found out. But he would always get this wistful look on his face too, as if he could imagine the exact moment he also felt that way about someone.
I open our messages, the last texts we exchanged before I picked her up that night staring back at me.
Me
Be there in 5, love you
Pretty Girl
Love you!
It was a simple exchange, but one I took for granted. I always meant those words when I said them, but did I always make her feel them?
Did I always make sure she knew that she was the best thing in my life?
Any word can be said with the best of intentions, but when it’s not backed up by actions, it becomes meaningless. And I’m starting to see how meaningless I may have made her feel. The problems in my head felt as if they eclipsed my whole world, like every day became just another day to get through.
I begin to type out some messages.
Hey, so I know you agreed but
I hit delete until I’m staring at the empty message bar again.
Did you block me?
I delete that too, shaking my head.
I drop my phone down, the unlocked screen staring up at me as I run my hands down my face.
The button-down I’m wearing feels like it’s choking me, so I pull the collar away to get more air, my chest tightens slightly before I remind myself to take some deep breaths.
I pick my phone up again, thoughts swirling in my head.
Maybe I’m making this harder than it needs to be.
Me
Hey
I hit send and immediately grapple to take it back.
Me
It’s Kane by the way
I hit send on that too and laugh out loud at myself. I’m about to type out another message when one from her pops up on the screen, and I swear I feel my heart stop.
Pretty Girl
I know who it is lol
I chuckle with her. I agonized over this text for hours and ended up making a bigger idiot of myself than I did yesterday.
It’s as if she short-circuits my brain and I no longer know how to function when she’s around.
Everything between us just feels so precarious right now that I’m scared to do or say something that will damage us permanently, something we can’t come back from.
Me
I just wanted to text you the details for Thursday night. It’s at my parents’ place at 6:30. Did you want me to pick you up? I’m out of school a bit earlier that day.
The longer the seconds tick by with the dots appearing at the bottom of the screen, the more my chest tightens.
I text a follow-up.
Me
Which you don’t have to come to. If you don’t want to. I can handle it
The need for her to know she’s off the hook is so strong. I don’t want her to come out of pity—I never want anyone’s pity when it comes to my parents. I almost jump out of my chair when my phone vibrates with a message from her.
Pretty Girl
Shut up, I’m coming.
I need to be at the shelter until 6 so I’ll just drive myself since it’s out of your way to come pick me up.
Me
I don’t mind. We can be a little late.
Pretty Girl
We both know if you’re late Elena will never let you hear the end of it.
I laugh at the thought of us showing up late to my mother’s party and the hell that would ensue.
Me
She’ll forgive you for it at least
Pretty Girl
Well because I’m perfect in her eyes
Me
Not just hers
The bell rings and I swear under my breath, not wanting to walk away from this conversation. But there are very few moments until Trevor walks through that door, and I owe him my full attention.
Me
Okay so meet on Thursday at their house around 6:30. I’ll let my mom know you’re coming separately
Pretty Girl
6:30 it is. See you then
The disappointment that runs through me with the lack of I love you at the end makes it hard to breathe for a minute—fear that I really have lost her for good.
I shake my head to try to dislodge those thoughts before they can run wild, place my phone on my desk, and sit back.
The sounds of students walking around and the chatter that follows them hits my ears, the warning music playing softly overhead to let students know they only have two minutes to get back to class.
I’m about to return to my paperwork when a mess of brown hair enters my office, head down and quick steps bringing Trevor barreling into my office and slumping into the chair in front of my desk with a huff.
It takes my brain a second to process what I’m seeing.
Trevor’s arm, in a sling. The blue material covers over a heavily bandaged arm in black casing.
I see red when I get a good look at him. I know that look on his face that he is about to try to feed me lies about what happened. Trevor is very good at wearing a mask if you don’t know exactly what to look for. But it’s hard to mask around someone who perfected that look years before he was born.
“What happened?” I ask, trying to keep my voice even and the anger shoved as far down as it will go.
“I fell at work,” he replies, stone-faced, as if that’s the least interesting thing he has heard all day.
“How?” I lean forward to rest my hands on my knees, remembering to keep my body language open and engaged with him. I’m hoping that extra prodding from me today doesn’t send him shutting down and shutting me out.
He fucking shrugs at me.
“How did you fall and break your arm, Trevor?”
“I just fell at work, okay? Can you leave it alone?” he spits.
“I can’t leave it alone, Trevor. Not when you come into my office with new bruises telling me you fell or slipped.
I want to help you, and I cannot do that until you are honest with me,” I try to reason, getting up from my chair and coming around to the other side of the desk and sitting in the one next to Trevor.
I close the door from my chair and let the silence envelop us.
“Tell me what’s going on, and I will help you. ”
As the silence surrounds us, I can hear his breaths coming faster than before and notice the small fidgets of his fingers around his new cast. My eyes land on the cast, sending a bolt of fury through me.
“I’m fine.” A small voice rips out of him, full of agony.
“I can help them too,” I say softly referring to his sisters, letting him hear the truth to my words.
I would help them all. I would report their father and work with social services to make sure they get removed.
I would do all that I could to make sure this is the last time he shows up to my office battered and bruised.
“You can’t promise that. You can’t promise that me and my sisters will be sent to the same place, and I won’t risk being away from them. They need me and I refuse to abandon them like our mother abandoned us,” he replies, anger dripping from every word. “I don’t care what happens to me.”
He’s despondent, as if he truly doesn’t care how many times he’s shown up in this state or been hurt by who I assume is his father.
“You should care, Trevor. You can’t keep showing up here hurt and broken.
And more than that, you shouldn’t have to,” I say, trying to reason with him.
I could go behind his back and report my suspicions, but I know that if they do a welfare check on the house and Trevor doesn’t admit to it, he could end up worse than he already is.
“But I don’t,” he replies brokenly, as if he has already given up on himself.
My heart shatters at the realization that he doesn’t want better for himself. He has already been dealt such a hand in life that he just accepts the treatment he gets, almost as if he deserves it.
“I don’t care, and I won’t risk my sisters.
I keep them safe. I do my best to make sure they have everything they need.
We don’t need more than this. I only have two more years until I’m free and I can take them away,” he says, determination lining his features, his dark brown eyes hard as he stares at me.
I realize I’ve entered a losing fight and sigh. I let the silence welcome us back.
“Okay,” I say on another sigh. “I won’t push.
But I need you to know I am here for you.
It doesn’t matter when or where, okay? I want to give you my phone number just in case.
” I reach over for a sticky note and pen and scribble my number down before handing it to him.
He takes it with his good hand and shoves it in his backpack.
I ignore the potential repercussions of giving a student my number. I know I would do anything to make sure this kid is safe, even if it means I lose my license. Some things are worth risking everything for, and I know that if I stood by and did nothing, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
“Thanks, Mr. D. I… I’m okay, really. But thank you for being here. It means… Well, it means…” he stammers, suddenly unsure and hiding behind his mess of hair.
“I know, and that’s what I’m here for. I’m on your side.
” I stand and move back to the other side of the desk to give him some space, knowing I need some space myself.
I try to rein in the feelings today has brought.
The high of my conversation with Avery to the low of this conversation and just how helpless I feel in all aspects of my life right now.
He stands, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. “I got to run. Katie is meeting me to go over the test so I can see what I missed. But I’ll come by later this week?” he says, gathering his backpack and standing up.
“Yeah, Trevor, of course. You know my office is open for you anytime.” I plaster a smile on my face despite my gut twisting inside.
I take in his appearance one last time—there are no other bruises or cuts that I can see.
The bags under his eyes are less severe than when I saw him last, telling me he at least has been able to get some sleep.
“I know.” He slips out the door, leaving the silence heavier than it was before.