Chapter 4
MATTHEW
I heard the bathroom door click shut, and my whole body went still.
The pump was still going and milk was freely flowing into the collection jar for him to just happen upon.
Fuck, was Joshua coming out?
I just sat there for a second, listening for sounds that indicated he was about to catch me in my most vulnerable state…but there was only silence. Thank fuck.
After a few more minutes, I was empty enough that I could dump the milk I’d collected and get everything cleaned up.
I didn't dump often because wasting milk felt wrong when there were so many people and animals in need, but these were extenuating circumstances. The organization I donated to was a partner of the Lactin Brotherhood. They worked with local non-profits, hospitals, and shelters to provide milk and milk-based products to those in need. The various groups used it for everything from feeding babies with unique dietary needs to abandoned newborn animals, and even some cheeses and butters. It wasn’t the most traditional method of providing protein and dairy to people, but it was a fatty source of nutrients that was easily digestible. The perfect food.
Unfortunately for me and those like me, it was also an embarrassing nuisance.
I didn’t ask for the ability to lactate, but since it first started happening in my twenties, I hadn’t been able to hold down a normal relationship. Either someone was only interested in the milk and nursing as a kink, or they were interested in me and freaked out by the milk.
Hiding it from Joshua wouldn’t be easy with him living with me, but if I wanted him to feel comfortable staying for as long as he needed to get into a better headspace, I needed to tread lightly with him. I had no idea what his triggers or past experiences involved.
Besides, we weren’t lovers. He was a guy I pulled off a cliff a few hours ago and might not even stay through the breakfast. Worrying about it now was a waste of time, so I poured the milk down the sink and got everything cleaned and back in the cabinet so my secret could stay that way a little longer.
In my dark room, I lay on my bed and stared at the ceiling, listening for sounds of movement in the quiet house.
I'd been planning to check in on him every hour or so just to make sure he was still here. But somewhere early in the morning, I pressed my ear to the guest room door and heard nothing but the slow rhythm of deep sleep and figured I’d be safe.
Pumping only took twenty minutes, and I couldn't put it off indefinitely, so I went for it. I was just lucky he didn’t decide to grab a glass of water on his way back to bed.
My eyes popped open before the sun, but that wasn't unusual.
I pulled on a flannel over my t-shirt and headed to check on Joshua.
Through the door, I could hear his heavy breathing and knew he was still sleeping, so I went to the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee.
When it was done, I took my cup out to the back deck and sat on the cushioned sectional that offered a gorgeous view of the ocean.
I'd been sitting there for maybe fifteen minutes when the sliding door opened up, and Joshua came out with a throw blanket wrapped around his shoulders. His hair was sticking up in every direction, and he looked fucking cute.
“Good morning.” I tipped my head toward the other side of the sectional. “There’s coffee inside.”
“Morning.” He curled up in the corner with the blanket covering him from the neck down. It wasn’t that cold, but he looked like he needed a cozy moment. “I’ll get some in a bit.”
For a while, we just looked out at the water and didn't say anything.
Until Joshua finally broke the silence. "This is an amazing view."
I drank my coffee and nodded. "Yeah, it’s my favorite spot in the house. On foggy mornings, you feel like you’re floating in the clouds."
He nodded and kept looking.
When my mug was empty, I went inside, and he followed without me asking, still dragging the blanket with him. Like last night, he sat at the counter while I pulled out the canister of flour and the buttermilk then got the griddle going.
Joshua watched me move around the kitchen as if it was fascinating to him. "You weren't kidding about the pancakes."
I stopped and raised an eyebrow with a firm expression. "I never kid about pancakes."
The corner of his mouth moved like he might actually be amused.
We chatted about breakfast foods and the weather while I cooked, and then we ate quietly. I had so many questions for Joshua, and he probably had some for me too, but everything felt delicate and I didn’t want to pressure him if he wasn’t ready to open up to me.
“Oh, does Gerald run twenty-four-seven?” He popped the last bite into his mouth and then sat back.
“No, he runs once or twice a day, but if the power goes out, his schedule goes wonky, and it usually takes a few days to resync.” I refilled my coffee and blew on the steam rising from it. “Why do you ask?”
Joshua shrugged. “He was going up in the hallway at like 3AM. I was awake, so it didn’t bother me, but I was surprised that you’d have it run when you were trying to sleep.”
“You were awake at three?” That was after I was pumping in the kitchen. "Did you feel sick again?"
"No, nothing like that." He ran his finger through a pool of syrup on his plate and slipped it into his mouth to suck it clean. "I woke up to pee and then was up for a while. Honestly, the noise is probably what put me back to sleep. It was nice to have Gerald keeping me company."
I filed that away but didn't comment on it.
After the plates were cleared and I’d loaded the dishwasher, I checked the clock on the microwave. "Artie'll be here around nine."
Joshua looked out the window and sighed. "Okay."
"You don't have to talk about anything you don't want to."
"I know." He was quiet for a second as he contemplated the situation. "I'm not gonna do it again. Not right now, anyway."
It wasn't exactly a ringing endorsement of his own survival, but it was honest, and I appreciated honesty. I wanted to ask what had gotten him over that guardrail in the first place, but it wasn’t my business.
Not yet, anyway. "I've got some work to get through this morning.
" I had a few meetings, but I could cancel them if Joshua needed me. “I’ll be in my room, but you can come get me if you need anything.”
He glanced toward the side of the house my bedroom was on even though it was hidden by a wall. “You work from home?”
“Yep.” I reached for my phone when it buzzed but didn’t look at it. I knew it was my assistant asking some random question or another. "I'm an architect. Got my own company. Mostly retail and commercial renovations, but I’ve got a few meetings to take online. I should be done by noon."
He glanced down at the logo on the shirt he was wearing, my company shirt, and pointed to it. "Sticks and Stones Studio?"
"That's me." I got up and put my coffee cup in the sink. "I mostly work from home, but I get out to job sites a few times a week."
"Huh." He turned the hem of the shirt over in his fingers, still looking at the logo. "I did some construction work for a while. Mostly reclaiming old bricks and barn wood from demo sites, but it was cool."
“That is cool.” I could see it. He wasn’t huge, but he had tight muscles on his slim frame, and working with his hands was probably a good endorphin release. "There’s good money in that."
"Really good money." Something in his face loosened a little when he talked about it, like it actually brought up a good memory. "I liked it too. Working with my hands and being outside was good. Made me feel like I was doing something useful."
"Why’d you stop doing it?" It wasn’t my business, but I couldn’t resist asking.
"It was just a summer job." He said it without apology. "I’ve had a lot of jobs. Until there were none... " He pushed back from the table and stood up. "Anyway, I’m gonna take a shower and get ready for your doctor friend."
He opened his mouth again like he wanted to say something else but then caught himself and just turned around.
I didn't push for more. He'd given me more personal information in the last few minutes than in the last twelve hours, and I wasn't gonna ruin that by asking for more before he was ready.
When Artie's truck pulled into the drive at nine on the dot, I let him in and introduced him to Joshua and then went back to my bedroom to work on my laptop.
I was able to focus for about eight minutes before my brain started drifting.
And it never drifted past the young man on the other side of my house.
I knew it was wrong and kinda creepy to be imagining Joshua naked…
but I couldn’t help it. I’d been in a dry spell for way too long, and being able to take care of that boy had awoken something in me that had long been dormant.
I didn’t ever expect to care about someone in a way that bordered on obsession, but in the short time that I’d known him, that was exactly what I was feeling.
Obviously, I couldn’t act on my feelings. Not yet anyway. Maybe not ever.
Joshua needed to focus on himself, not some pervy old guy who couldn’t keep his dick down when they were together.
But knowing it was wrong and that I shouldn’t do something never fully stopped me.
He was an adult and I was an adult, so if he made a move or asked me to be there for him physically or emotionally, I wouldn’t say no.
Even though I really needed to give him space to get past his demons before I burdened him with those kinds of decisions.
Joshua had been through something awful and traumatic, and he needed time to process that. I couldn’t even imagine what he was feeling right now, but I did know he needed attention and support and someone to give a damn about him.
I shut the laptop and sighed. Work was the last thing I was worried about. After rescheduling my meetings, I glanced at the clock. I usually pumped in the morning but didn’t get a chance to with Joshua up so early.
As soon as I started thinking about it, I felt a letdown.
That familiar pressure behind my pecs meant my body was making decisions regardless of my schedule or my guests.
There was no way I could get my pump out of the kitchen without making a scene, so I hopped into the shower and quickly hand-expressed enough to take the edge off.
I just didn’t want to be soaking through my shirt all day.
I didn’t have high milk production, which was a blessing.
Some guys produced several pints per day, but I wasn’t like that.
I could force myself to produce more if I wanted to, but I didn’t want that. Why would I?
After manually massaging a few ounces from each side, I soaped up and washed my hair.
The water was hot and felt good on my tight skin.
And as soon as I relaxed even a tiny bit, the niggling in the back of my mind was back.
Had Joshua seen me pumping last night? He didn’t act strange or upset this morning, so maybe he didn’t wander down the hallway and see me.
Or maybe he did and just didn’t understand what he was witnessing.
Or maybe he just truly didn’t give a shit what I did.
Indifference was the scariest possibility.
Selfishly, I wanted him to have at least a friendly interest in me.
And more altruistically, because I wanted him to care about the world he planned to live in.
But no matter how much I tried to distract my mind and body from the handsome face and sleep-touseled hair that took my breath away when he cuddled up near me that morning, I couldn’t deny my attraction.
He was gorgeous and sweet and…desperate for someone to care.
I wanted to be that person. The one to care for his mind and body… as well as all his other needs.
And speaking of needs, I couldn’t deny mine.
I braced one hand on the shower wall and grabbed my cock with the other, stroking myself as I pictured Joshua in my work t-shirt. In my mind’s eye, he was fresh out of the shower and looked right at home. As if he belonged here.
Fuck. I reached down to give my balls a tug before stroking faster, pushing myself to orgasm as quickly and quietly as I could.
Fortunately, it didn't take long. I hadn’t even been interested in getting off in forever and now it was front and center in my mind. Apparently, my self-control had been pushed past its threshold, and I was owning the pervy stranger role.
I wasn't proud of it, but I also wasn't gonna beat myself up over a private moment in my own shower. He was cute, and single, and fit perfectly in my arms.
I was only human.