Wednesday 14th October 2015
Wednesday
My first appointment with Dr H has been hanging over me all week, this is the first time I’ve had to sit opposite him since starting uni and tell him how I’m doing without thinking too hard about what the wrong answer might set off.
Sometimes it feels like I have to perform for him just as much as I do for Mum and Oscar, because none of them ever seem to hear I’m having a bad day and leave it there.
I get dressed without calling Mum back, and after the grilling I got from Oscar the other day about pretending to join the newspaper I don’t really want him to give me a lift.
By lunchtime I’ve shoved the appointment far enough to the back of my head that I’m almost enjoying myself, right up until Abi’s name flashes across my screen while I’m sitting in the library with Tom, trying to do this stupid project no one cares about.
ABI (12:00): Hey, Josh saw you walking off with that Tom guy and was frowning. Hate to say I told you so ;) xx
My eyes flick towards Tom. He’s sitting opposite me with a pen trapped between his teeth while he scrolls through an article.
He’s tall, with soft brown hair and softer brown eyes.
I’m yet to see him in a single item of clothing with so much as a crease in it.
He unironically loves Shakespeare, which wouldn’t be a problem if he didn’t insist on proving it by randomly dropping quotes into conversation, or, worse, occasionally abandoning modern English altogether and talking to me like we’re living in the sixteenth century.
I never know what the hell I’m supposed to say back, so I usually just awkwardly laugh and hope he returns to 2015 on his own.
RUBY (12:22): Abi, we can’t keep having this convo. Josh isn’t into me.
ABI (12:21): Me and Brooke STRONGLY disagree. He’s always watching you. There is a VIBE. LEAN INTO IT.
I lock my phone and slide it beneath my notebook. I’m being delusional enough about Josh without Abi aiding to it.
Besides, I need to focus on the project. We have less than a week to hand it in, and I can’t do that if all I’m doing is thinking about stupid Joshua Hardy.
OSCAR (17:00): Rubes! We needed to leave like five minutes ago. I’m missing football training for this. Where are you?
I’m already sitting in his car.
I do not want him to come with me. I just want to sing Outta Love by Anastatia at the top of my lungs and get rid of this impending sense of doom.
Three minutes later, just after I have set off, my phone lights up next to the gearstick.
OSCAR (17:03): Oh my God. You took my fucking car?!?!?!?!
Yes.
Yes I fucking did.
But I deserve some kind of independence, some leeway to prove I can take care of myself. I don’t need to constantly be babied. I’ve been able to drive for ages but Oscar usually insists on being the one to drop me places and Mum usually tells me to let him.
Today I don’t want to. I want to drive myself to my therapist’s office, I want to sit in the waiting room alone, I want to answer when he calls my name.
I want to feel my age without feeling guilty or suffocated.
Dr. H asks about my halls and my course and whether I’ve made friends, and I tell him about Abi and Brooke and Ewan.
I tell him Oscar is doing well, that Mum has backed off more than I expected, that I’m sleeping okay apart from the odd nightmare and that I haven’t had any thoughts about hurting myself.
I don’t tell him anything about Josh or my feelings towards him, or that I have a silly little crush on someone I’ve just met and he has been making my week.
Then he folds his hands over the notebook on his lap and tells me he’s spoken with Mum about putting provisions in place. That if they suspect I’m getting bad again, they can withdraw me from university.
Even if I disagree.
Even if I say no.
They can’t literally drag me home by my hair, but they can stop funding my accommodation, contact the university, involve the people whose names are attached to every support agreement I signed before coming here, and all of it has been discussed without me being part of the conversation.
Again.
By the time I’m out of there I’m so angry I can barely see straight.
OSCAR (19:00): Rubes? What the fuck? How did it go? Everything okay?
I sit in his parked car outside his flat and resist the urge to scream at the top of my lungs.
RUBY (19:15): Yeah, O. Everything’s fine. I parked your car in the same spot. Thanks for letting me borrow it. xXx
OSCAR (19:15): I didn’t let you do shit. You STOLE it!
It doesn’t make me laugh. I clamber out of his car and head back to my halls in a fog. Ignoring mum constantly trying to ring my phone.
MUM (20:01): Ruby, sweetie. Just spoke to Dr. H. Please don’t be upset with the provisions put in place. It’s for your wellbeing and will only be actioned if we see a rapid decline in your mental health. Love you xx
RUBY (20:02): Those ‘provisions’ mean that you can pull me out of uni at ANY TIME even if I say NO. You all need to start trusting me!
MUM (20:03): We do trust you. We just want to be safe.
Such bullshit.
Trusting me would be letting me tell them if I wasn’t coping.
Trusting me would be believing I know myself well enough to recognise when something is wrong.
Trusting me would be allowing me to fuck up in all the normal ways everyone else my age gets to fuck up without treating every bad week as evidence that I need to be removed from my own life.
I throw my phone down onto my bed and shout, “FUCK!” But the anger doesn’t leave. It stays with me through my shower, and two cups of tea, and even after watching my favourite episode of Grey’s Anatomy.
When my phone goes at eleven I very nearly hurl the thing out of my window.
JOSH (22:03): Hey! Some guy with the football lot was asking about you tonight. His name is Tom, he’s on the Seconds. Do you know who he is?
RUBY (22:04): Hey! Yeah, he’s on my course. We have to do a project together. X
JOSH (22:04): Oh, right. Cool x
It’s an odd reply for Josh, he’d usually tease me or something.
RUBY (22:05): He wasn’t saying anything bad was he? I never replied to his text x
JOSH (22:06): Nah, he was just asking about you. Nothing bad. You’re all good. X
RUBY (22:07): Okay good! I’ll reply tomorrow. What did he ask? X
JOSH (22:09): Just whether anyone knew you and if you were seeing someone. Bit random tbh x
RUBY (22:10): Oh!! What did you tell him? X
JOSH (22:12): That I didn’t know. Figured that was safer than answering for you. X
RUBY (22:13): Very diplomatic of you, I guess.
JOSH (22:15): I’m a Law student. It’s in the training ;) x
RUBY (22:16): Give over! You’ve had about four lectures! You’re about as much of a lawyer as I am an author x
JOSH (22:18): Still more qualified than you!
RUBY (22:19): I was never the one claiming to be qualified. And for future reference, I’m not seeing anyone x
JOSH (22:24): Good to know x
RUBY (22:25): Is it? ;)
JOSH (22:31): Meant for next time someone asks
RUBY (22:32): Of course you did x
JOSH (22:36): Night Ruby x
RUBY (22:38): Night Josh xx
The anger is gone until Oscar texts twenty minutes later.
OSCAR (23:00): You doing okay?
I resist the urge to reply, ‘no, now fuck off’ and wisely choose not to reply at all.