Chapter Twenty-Six #3
“Great! Where are we fucking going?”
“I’m going home. You can stay here.”
“There’s not a fucking chance in hell I’m letting you walk the streets at midnight.”
“I don’t need you to let me do anything.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Ruby.” Josh snatches his hoodie off the back of the chair and yanks it over his head. “Fine. Walk home. Do whatever the fuck you want. I’m still coming with you and making sure you’re safe.”
“You are unbelievable, do you know that?”
“Yeah, well, I’m not having you wander around Lincoln at midnight because we’ve had an argument.”
“I can get a taxi.”
“Great. I’ll stand outside with you until it gets here.”
“Josh!”
“What?” He whirls on me again. “What exactly do you want me to do? Sit here knowing you’re out there on your own after what happened a few fucking weeks ago? Not happening. Over my dead fucking body.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“Because I care about you!”
“No.” I turn and push him square in the chest making him stumble backwards. “You care about yourself.”
“Oh, get a fucking grip, Ruby. It’s obvious I fucking care about you.”
“Then prove it!”
“How?” he shouts. “How the fuck do you want me to prove it? I walk you home, I wait outside your lectures, I know when you’re lying about being fine, I sit up with you when you can’t sleep, I think about you all fucking day, I make stupid playlists because every second song reminds me of you, I’m standing here losing my mind over the idea of you walking home alone and you’re still asking me to prove I care? ”
“I mean stop hiding behind all of it!” I shout back, so wound up now I can barely get the words out. “Stop doing every single thing a boyfriend would do and then acting like I’m insane for wanting the actual thing. Stop making me feel wanted and then telling me I can’t have you.”
Josh’s face tightens, his green eyes locked on mine. “You do have me.”
“No, I don’t. Not in the way I want.”
He spreads his arms, looking furious and mean. “Then take what you want.”
I’m rooted to the spot, fighting to understand how any of this is happening. How a playlist has sparked such a huge fight.
“Go on,” he snaps when I don’t move. “You’ve spent the last half an hour telling me I’m the one stopping this, so fucking prove it. Take what you want.”
“Not like this.” I flick my hand out. “This isn’t what I wanted at all.” I march out into the hallway, the colder air hitting my cheeks while I hear him moving behind me, trailing after me, refusing to let me go.
“You do not have to leave in the middle of the night.”
“I don’t feel very welcome here anymore”
“Oh, that’s such bullshit.”
“You’re bullshit!”
“Wait.” His footsteps get quicker behind me. “Why are you actually going outside?”
“I told you, I’m going home!” I take another step down the corridor, shaking out my coat and swinging it around to put it on, but before I can get one arm through the sleeve Josh catches hold of the coat itself and pulls it straight out of my hands.
“Josh!” He turns and flings it back through his open front door.
I gape at him. “Did you just throw my fucking coat into your flat?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s December!”
“Then come back inside.”
“You absolute—”
“Ruby.” He moves in front of me before I can stalk past him, blocking the corridor with his body. “You are not leaving.” He pinches the fabric at my belly button and uses it to tug me backwards into the flat, then swings the door shut behind me, taking a step away.
The fight drains out of me so quickly it leaves me cold.
My throat closes, my eyes start burning and I have to turn away from him, giving him my back.
I feel stupid. I am stupid. I’m a stupid girl who likes a boy that will never like me back.
Begging that same boy for something he has never wanted to give me.
I swipe angrily beneath my eyes before anything can fall. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”
Behind me, Josh drags in a breath. “Rubes—”
“It’s fine. I’m sorry.” I wave to the door. “I really should go.”
“Please don’t. We can talk about this properly.”
I shake my head. “You were trying to tell me no and wouldn’t listen. I’m really sorry.”
“Fuck,” he mutters, and I hear him move behind me. “I’ve fucked this up, not you. Okay? I’ve been confusing the shit out of you and I know I have.”
“No, Josh. This one is on me. You were being clear and I was being a bitch.”
His strong arms come around my body, pulling me back into him. “I should’ve stopped saying no when I don’t actually mean no.”
Shaking my head, I fight off the tears. “You should let me go home.”
“But I don’t want you to go.” He replies thickly, breath fanning my neck. “I want you here with me.” He kisses my shoulder gently. “I always want you with me.”
I tremor beneath him. “I want you to want me the way I want you.”
His arms tighten around me. “I do.”
“You don’t,” I croak.
“I don’t want to hurt you, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to give you what you deserve.”
My lip wobbles. “But I only want you. I’m just waiting for you to choose me back.”
“The thing is, Ruby. I think I already have.”