Chapter Thirty-Three
Thursday
Joshua:
I know I should answer her, I just can’t. I’ve spent the last few months keeping her away from the shitty parts of my life because we couldn’t be more different if we tried.
She has this tiny council flat where everybody is constantly in each other’s way, her mum kisses her forehead while she’s trying to eat and Oscar can’t walk through a room without winding her up, while I’ve come home to a house big enough that I’ve managed to go nearly four entire days without seeing either of my parents for longer than five minutes.
It’s Christmas Eve and we could all be living in separate fucking postcodes, which probably should’ve been enough to stop me coming back in the first place, but the hopeful prat I am, I thought it might be different this time.
The phone buzzes again against the wood of my bedside table and I reach across to turn it over.
RUBY (22:31): Josh please. You’re freaking me out now x
“Fuck.” The guilt hits me hard. This is exactly why I didn’t want to get involved with her. I knew it would mean being open and honest and trying not to disappear when all I want to do is run from everyone and everything.
How the fuck do I explain to someone like Ruby what goes on in this house? That when James died, I might as well have died with him? That they got to bury the son they loved and keep the one they blamed?
JOSH (22:33): Sorry. I’m okay. Promise x
This is how it starts. She likes me now. It’s always easy to like someone at the beginning, until they get to know you and realise what a waste of space you are.
I’m hurting her and I’m not even trying to. I don’t know how to do this shit. I don’t know how to be a person without James, never mind someone’s boyfriend, or whatever the fuck Ruby and I are supposed to be.
RUBY (22:34): Are you sure? I’ve been texting for two days and you’ve barely responded?
JOSH (22:36): Rubes, I’m fine. Are you okay?
RUBY (22:36): Um, sort of.
I sit up straighter on my bed, moving to the edge and resting my elbows on my knees, phone clutched in my hand. My thumb is already moving across the screen.
JOSH (22:36): What’s wrong?
RUBY (22:37): So… I’ve got this thing going on with a boy, right? And he ignored me for two days, so I’ve driven to his address and now I’m sat outside his MASSIVE house like a complete psychotic stalker x
My head snaps towards my bedroom window.
No fucking way.
I’m on my feet and crossing the room straight away, dragging the curtain aside hard enough that one of the rings catches against the pole.
The driveway disappears around the side of the house from this angle, mostly hidden by the stupid amount of trees Dad insists give us privacy, but there’s a wash of headlights through the branches near the gate.
JOSH (22:38): Holy shit, Ruby. It’s nearly midnight? It’s Christmas Eve?
RUBY (22:38): I know!! I’m sorry. I know this is properly, properly mental but I was really worried. Should I go? I can go???
JOSH (22:38): Stay right there!!! I’ll be down in a minute!!!
I drag a hoodie over my head, getting my arm trapped because I’m moving too quickly.
My heart is moving at breakneck speeds in my chest, making it feel like it’s missing a beat every few seconds.
My trainers are kicked under the desk, one lace knotted around the other, and it takes me far longer than any competent adult should need to get them onto my feet before I’m out of the room and halfway down the stairs.
The Christmas tree is on in the front room, all white lights and expensive-looking decorations Mum changes every year, but there’s nobody sitting beside it and no television on.
Dad’s study door is shut. Mum’s bedroom is two floors above me.
I don’t bother announcing I’m leaving because that would require somebody to give a shit where I’m going.
I pull the front door closed behind me and head down the drive, squinting through the trees until I catch sight of Ruby’s car near the gates.
She’s parked half on the verge at a stupid angle, lucky that this street is dead quiet and manned by security, or someone would definitely end up in the back of her with how far the tail is sticking out.
I can make out her shape behind the wheel, phone glowing in her hand, head bent as she types. The girl has no business being here. I’ve barely spoken to her for two days, I’ve given her every reason to assume I want leaving alone, and instead of taking the hint she’s driven to my house.
I tap hard on the passenger window.
Ruby launches about six inches out of her seat and whips towards me, eyes huge. “You absolute dickhead!”
I laugh, opening the passenger door. “Hello to you too.”
“You nearly gave me a heart attack.”
“You’re lurking outside my house.”
“I’m not lurking. I’m parked.”
I pointedly look at the back of the car. “Badly.”
“Fuck off.”
Climbing in eagerly, I pull the door shut. The heater is cranked up so high it feels like I’ve stepped into a sauna, and there’s an empty Costa cup wedged in the holder between us, along with a packet of chewing gum and a bright pink tree-shaped car freshener.
“What are you doing here, Rubes?”
She waves towards my parents’ house. “Were you ever going to tell me you’re rich?”
“I’m not rich. My parents are.”
“That’s something only rich people say.”
I shoot her a wary look. “It’s also true.”
Ruby bends in her seat to peer up at the house through the windscreen, taking in the gates, tree lined driveway, flashy porch and twelve front-facing windows. “I mean, that’s a beast of a house, Josh. You’re, like, rich rich.”
“My parents are rich.” I correct. “And my grandparents were too."
She turns back to me. “You have never mentioned it? You sat in my tiny council flat like five days ago? God, you let mum talk to you about how the rich are parasites for hoarding wealth.”
I shrug. “I happen to agree with her.”
Ruby folds her arms against her chest and narrows her eyes at me. “You went to private school, didn’t you?”
Sighing, I look at the house too. Mum and Dad have paid someone to decorate it.
There’s none of that inflatable Christmas shit or multicoloured lights flashing like a nightclub.
Everything is neat, symmetrical and annoyingly tasteful, which makes the place look even more expensive than it is. “Yeah. I went to St. Peters.”
Her mouth drops open. “How have you never mentioned any of this?”
“I don’t talk about it. Or think about it. Or acknowledge it.”
She undoes her seatbelt. “Can I come in?”
“What?” My head swivels towards her. “Why?” I cough to clear the sudden anxiety clogging my throat. “What for?”
“Josh,” her hazel eyes are looking at me like I’m beyond strange. “I’ve never seen a house that big. I want to go inside.”
Money is basically the only tangible thing I have from my parents.
I’ve no doubt that tomorrow my present from them will be a wad of cash in an envelope and my uni fees paid for.
It’s something Dad likes to lord over me too whenever he’s really pissed off, reminding me who pays for what, who owns the house, who put the car in my name, as though every pound he spends buys him the right to treat me however he wants.
The idea of bringing Ruby in there and letting her see this world, all the pictures of James, or even worse, somehow running into my parents even though I barely see them, has me wanting to shut the whole thing down before it starts.
I rub a hand over my mouth and look towards the house. “Why don’t we drive somewhere else?”
“Why would we do that?” A thought seems to come to her and her eyes widen. “Are your parents super strict? They don’t like guests over?”
I nearly laugh, my parents probably wouldn’t care if I brought half of Lincoln Uni through the front door, provided none of us disturbed them. “No. They’re not strict. They just…” I trail off, words failing me yet again. “They’re not really people you bring someone home to meet.”
Ruby looks down at her hands as she starts picking her fingernails. “Did Bonnie meet them?”
There isn’t a single part of me that wants to answer and feed into the bizarre jealousy Ruby has of Bonnie.
There is no comparison between them. Whatever I thought I felt for Bonnie is completely eclipsed by what I feel for Ruby, and honestly, if James felt even a fraction for Bonnie of what I feel for the girl sitting opposite me, then I can understand why he went after her.
Aside from my own fucked-up head constantly trying to convince me I’ll ruin this, I’m not sure I’d have the strength to stay away from Ruby, not even if she was with someone else.
“Yeah.” I answer carefully, my eyes glued to Ruby’s face. “She met them. She knew them well. We all went to nursery together and stuff. Our families are close. We were friends for years before we ever got together.”
Ruby picks her nails harder. “They like her?”
I reach out and hold her hands to stop her from hurting herself. “Where are you going with this?”
She looks up at me, hazel eyes full of doubt. “I just… you dated her for years; you let her meet your parents… all things you don’t want to do with me?”
“I need you to understand this isn’t about Bonnie.
” I squeeze her hands lightly. “She was there before everything went to shit. Before James died. Before I became like this. We got together when we were twelve, Rubes. I didn’t spend every second worrying about what would happen with her.
I could just be. I was happy back then.”
“But what?” she asks, looking like I’ve wounded her. “You can’t be happy with me?”