Chapter Thirty-Five #3
Josh doesn’t show any emotion. “You have an ex who was part of why you tried to kill yourself?”
“Mm, yeah.” I nod, fighting hard to remain calm.
I hate thinking about this. I hate talking about it, and I definitely don’t want to do it with Oscar standing right behind me.
“He wasn’t all of it, but he didn’t help anything.
He was controlling and horrible and very good at making me feel difficult for reacting to the horrible things he did.
I was fifteen and thought that meant he loved me loads, which is embarrassing in hindsight. ”
Oscar makes an irritated sound behind me. “He was also eighteen while you were fifteen. What the fuck does a boy that age have in common with a kid?”
I close my eyes for a breath, this is exactly why I didn’t want him involved. “Oscar.”
“What? It’s true.”
“I know it’s true.”
“Is that even legal?” Josh asks, voice just above a whisper.
“Unfortunately,” Oscar grumbles.
“Oscar, please,” I beg.
He leans back against the table, folding his arms. “Fine.”
My eyes find Josh, he’s looking at me like I’m a stranger to him and it’s breaking my heart.
“It was fucked up. I know that now. At the time I thought being with an older boy meant I was mature, which is exactly the sort of stupid thing a fifteen-year-old thinks when someone older keeps telling her how grown-up she is.” Thinking back to the na?ve kid I was makes me shudder.
“He liked that I was younger. I didn’t understand that then.
I just thought it meant he thought I was special. ”
Fury is radiating off both boys.
I give a weak shrug. “He lives in Holland now. Or he did. But I guess he’s back? I wouldn’t know to be honest, we haven’t spoken in years.”
Oscar scoffs. “That means fuck all to him.”
I throw him a warning glare at the same time Josh’s grip tightens on mine, causing me to swivel towards him. “This is a lot of information, Ruby. You’ve thrown me through a loop here.”
“I know.” Guilt spikes its way down my spine. I’ve emptied half my life onto the kitchen floor and expected him to stand there calmly while I point at all the pieces. “I’m sorry. This isn’t how I ever planned to tell you any of it.”
“Were you planning on telling me at all?”
“Yeah.” I try to sound as sincere as possible. “At some point. I just never really knew how.”
He pulls his hand away from me. “I thought I knew you.”
Pain twists through my torso. “You do.”
“Do I?”
I feel horribly exposed, and I don’t know if I can take another rejection from him. Not over this. Not when I already hate this part of myself enough. “I think so?”
Josh shakes his head, looking completely overwhelmed.
“I didn’t know any of this. I didn’t know you tried to kill yourself, Ruby.
And what? You had this boyfriend who was treating you like shit while it was happening, and your dad was—” He stops abruptly, rubbing both hands over his face before dropping them again.
“Fuck. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do with all of that. ”
“You don’t have to do anything with it.” His reaction is beginning to scare me a lot. No one has ever reacted like this. “It happened years before I met you. It’s nothing to do with us.”
“It has everything to do with us!”
“Don’t shout at her,” Oscar warns, pushing away from the table. “She might have just dropped an emotional bomb on you, Josh, but this is her safe space and it will stay that way.”
Josh’s eyes snap towards him and for the first time since he came downstairs there’s something sharp in them. “I’m not trying to make her feel unsafe.”
“Then lower your voice.”
“Oscar,” I cut in, not needing them to start on each other. “Please. I’m fine.”
“I need air.” Josh takes another uneven breath and starts backing towards the hallway. “I’m going for a walk.”
Panic and fear grip me harder. He’s leaving. He’s seen the real me and it’s too much for him. All my worst nightmares are coming true. “Josh—”
He keeps going until he reaches the front door, but instead of opening it he stops with his hand on the latch, shoulders rising and falling beneath his pyjama top. “Don’t follow me, please.”
“Josh.” I can feel myself wanting to cry, wanting to grab hold of him and make him stay, while another part of me knows he’s clearly overwhelmed and needs space.
He doesn’t leave though; he turns around and marches right back towards me.
Both hands come up around my head, covering my ears through my hair as he bends and presses a kiss against my forehead, holding it there long enough that some of the fear loosens inside me.
“I need some space, okay?” His voice is thick and laden with emotion. “I need to think.”
I search his face, unease coursing through me. “Will you come back?”
His hands stay around my head and his eyes close briefly, like the question hurts him. “Yeah, Rubes. I’ll come back.” His thumb moves once against my hair. “I’ll always fucking come back.”
Then he’s gone, and I’m stood there thinking we’ll probably never be the same again.