Chapter 26
Haddie was still on cloud nine after yet another win, this time with the home bleachers almost three-quarters of the way full.
True to his word, Levi—with Emma’s help, she guessed—crafted another viral reel.
And by viral, she meant locally viral, but still.
It got both the boys’ and girls’ soccer teams to turn a high school hallway into a flash mob during one of yesterday’s passing periods, with Muskie—a.k.a.
Levi—dancing along as the teams lip-synched Whitney’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody.” It also go butts in seats for the game.
But the short ride home was filled with stilted stops and starts, just like yesterday.
“Super proud of you and the teams for another great effort at social media marketing,” she told Levi as he drove with both his hands on the wheel at a steady ten and two.
“Thanks,” he replied, pressing his lips into a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.
After several seconds of silence, Haddie added, “Should we celebrate the same way we did after your winning game?” She nudged him with her elbow. “I was thinking that the couch might be feeling left out. Maybe instead of the dreaded decision between my bed and your bed,” she teased.
Levi shrugged. “Sure. Couch sex. Sounds good.”
The truck rolled to a stop in front of the hardware shop, and Haddie unfastened her seat belt so she could turn to face him.
“Hey…what is up with you this week?” she asked. “I thought things were going so well. Didn’t you?”
He sighed. “Can we talk upstairs? I really don’t feel like doing this in my truck.”
“Doing what?” she asked.
Levi groaned and finally turned to face her.
“Jesus, Haddie. I know my timing was shit, but I told you I loved you, and you bailed. Maybe not physically because I get that you are still here, and we are still us to a degree. But I can’t unsay what I said or unfeel what I feel, and I kind of get the feeling that you’re happier believing what is so obviously a lie. ”
Haddie’s brows drew together and she shook her head, trying to make meaning out of what he was saying.
“I didn’t bail, Levi.” But her words came out more defensively than she’d intended.
“You disappeared from the bed the first chance you got and literally froze when I touched you until I told you to forget what I said.”
Haddie laughed, not that anything about this was funny. “There is no way you love me after knowing me for a month.”
“Why not?” Levi threw his head against the back of his seat. “I’ve spent more time with women I don’t love even after knowing a week in that I wasn’t committed for the long haul. Why can’t I know with you that I am?”
Haddie held her hands up in surrender. “This is the dumbest argument. Let’s just go upstairs, maybe have a drink to celebrate, and then I can remind you why we work so well with things the way they were before you said what you think is true but actually isn’t.”
She hopped out of the truck and through the doorway that led up to their apartment before he had a chance to respond.
They weren’t in love. Haddie had only agreed to try an actual relationship. If she let the L word into the picture, then it was only a matter of time before someone got hurt, and she was starting to think that Emma had it all wrong, that the someone in question wasn’t Levi…but her.
Haddie heard Levi jogging up the stairs behind her. She stopped only to grab the mail from in front of their door and then strode inside.
“Haddie…” Levi called from behind her, following her into the kitchen where she was sorting the mail into piles on the counter.
She stopped when she got to a thick envelope made of strong paper stock. She was staring at a hand-written message on the back above an embossed university seal.
Welcome back, Coach Rourke.
She flipped the envelope over to see the front, already knowing that she’d find the letter or whatever was inside addressed to Levi.
“What is this?” she asked, looking up at him, hating the tremor in her voice.
“Haddie…” he said again, softer this time. “It’s not what it looks like.”
“Really?” She brandished the envelope at him. “Because it looks like you’ve been reinstated, and you didn’t tell me.”
He shook his head, holding up his hands as he took a step forward, treating her like a feral animal that could be easily spooked.
“I wasn’t reinstated. I can’t be until a year is up. But Chancellor Barnes found a loophole. I can’t have direct contact with the team or attend the games, but he wants me around to consult with my replacement because he’s apparently tanking the team.”
Haddie rolled her eyes, still holding the envelope out like a shield.
“Semantics, Levi. You’re not reinstated, but you’re still leaving before next summer.
Am I right?” She should have stormed off when he didn’t answer, but she needed him to say it.
She needed him to prove she was right, had always been right. “Am. I. Right?” she asked again.
He let out a defeated breath. “As long as Coach Crawford signs off on it and Hope agrees to see me on a telehealth basis, then I head back the Monday after the wedding.”
“Oh,” she replied with an incredulous laugh. “You haven’t even been back to the grief group for a second meeting, but you’re already setting up telehealth? How long have you known?”
He pulled off his stupid coaching visor and ran a hand through his already tousled hair. “Two days,” he admitted. “Chancellor Barnes called me two days ago and said a contract was already on its way.” He nodded toward the envelope. “I was going to tell you tonight, Haddie. I swear I was.”
She slapped the envelope against his chest. “Well, I guess now you don’t have to.” She brushed past him and bolted toward her room.
“Come on, Haddie,” she heard from over her shoulder as Levi followed in her wake. “Can’t we talk about this?”
She whirled on him just inside her room.
“What is there to talk about, Levi? You are doing exactly what I knew you’d do.
Don’t you think I know how this works by now?
If I love, I get left. Do you know that my mom didn’t just die when I was a kid?
She left me with my grandmonster before the end so I didn’t have to see her at her sickest. Did she ask me if that was what I wanted, to lose her before I lost her?
And my grandmonster?” She huffed out a bitter laugh.
“She taught me the art of keeping people at a distance so they couldn’t hurt you.
But guess what? It still hurts like hell that she’s gone, and I can’t, Levi.
I can’t hurt like that again, which means you can’t love me, and I certainly can’t love you.
” She was crying now, but she didn’t care.
He took a step back, but he didn’t walk away like she had. God, she was good at walking away. But what else did she know? You love, you lose. That was how it worked in Haddie’s world. But she didn’t have to be the victim of circumstance this time. She had the power to choose how it ended.
“Haddie…” he said gently. “I am so sorry for the losses you’ve had to endure.
But how is shutting me out going to make this hurt any less?
I told you I loved you, which means you were always going to be a part of the conversation about me going back to Indiana.
I was just waiting for the right time. Don’t you get that those words don’t just fall out of my mouth because the sex is good or because I’m just trying them on for size.
You can be scared of this…” He motioned between them.
“But you don’t get to tell me it’s not real. ”
Haddie pulled a suitcase out of her closet and tossed it onto her bed. Then she began pulling random items off of hangers and throwing them sloppily into the case.
“You’re leaving?” he asked, and the way his voice broke on leave gutted her.
Her movements slowed and her shoulders sagged, and Haddie was just so damned tired of being right about what the universe had in store for her. Just this once she wanted to be wrong.
She took a few steadying breaths and then turned to face Levi.
“Maybe I am leaving,” she admitted. “But only for a night or two so I can get my head on straight. The difference is that even if I leave this apartment, Summertown is my home now. When you leave, you’ll be gone for good.”
Levi took a step closer to her, and although she flinched, Haddie didn’t push him away.
“We’ll figure it out,” he pleaded, hands sliding over her cheeks and his fingertips burying themselves in her hair. “That was always the plan.”
Was there even a conversation to have? Maybe…
when they’d had months to get over the honeymoon phase of whatever they were and could part ways with level heads and clear hearts.
But she was tangled up in feelings she didn’t know how to navigate.
They’d done exactly what Principal Crawford had warned them not to do, and now Levi’s team would suffer, and Haddie…
Haddie would leave before she went the way of Humpty-Dumpty and couldn’t put herself back together again.
He dipped his head, and Haddie was powerless against the nearness of him, against the way his scent filled her with an ache she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to ignore, even if she never saw him again.
“Tell me it’s not over,” he whispered. “Not when we’ve barely gotten started.”
He didn’t wait for her to answer. Instead, he brushed his lips over hers, and they kissed like it was the last time they ever would.
Because both of them knew that it was.