Chapter 42
Chapter forty-two
Mercer
“Ican take her upstairs. Give you space if you need it.”
Noah’s offer makes my heart hammer double-time in my chest.
Don’t take her from me.
I can’t blame him for making the suggestion. Because while she’s been asleep for nearly an hour, resting peacefully on her side, curled against him, I have yet to lie down. Instead, I’ve oscillated between my desk and the edge of the bed in more rotations than I can count.
Head hung low, with my back turned to my best friend and the woman between us, I rest my elbows on my knees. “I don’t want to be separated from either of you.”
My heart’s been through the wringer this week. I need them by my side, yet I can’t allow myself to acknowledge it.
Noah sighs. “Will you at least turn around and talk to me?”
No.
I’m acting like a petulant child. My ability to regulate my emotions is so far gone I’m surprised I’m even able to sit down.
There’s still so much that needs to be said.
What we did tonight only served to satisfy the carnal, desperate animal in my chest. The part of me that needed to control and reclaim.
I’m embarrassed. I know better than to fuck out my feelings. It doesn’t solve anything. But in the moment, it was the best I could do.
The moment we were done and cleaned up, I reminded myself that I can’t default to skipping over the hard stuff in favor of feeling good.
We need to talk, Sawyer and me. Noah and me. The three of us together.
But for now, I’ll let her sleep.
Sighing, I turn and look my best friend in the eye.
My attention drifts quickly, though, to Sawyer’s peaceful, sated form bathed in the light from my computer monitor.
After allowing myself a moment to study her, I focus on Noah, noting the concern and love in his expression.
Yes, love.
I suspected. But after tonight, I know for certain.
He’s so far gone for this girl.
I scoff at the notion.
Like I’m one to talk.
With a long exhale, I tuck a loose tendril of Sawyer’s hair behind her ear.
When I lift my gaze, Noah is watching me.
“Are you okay?” he starts.
I shake my head. I can’t lie about something like this. Not to him.
“Did anything that happened in the shower upset you?” he hedges, eyes cast down.
My chest constricts. “Noah. No.” Shifting closer, I rest my hand on his forearm until he gives me his attention.
“Nothing we did upset me or changes anything between us. If this is going to go on,” I say, focusing on Sawyer for a moment, then him again, “we have to assume we’re going to be physically intimate to some degree. ”
Noah nods, his expression stoic. “I really don’t think I’m bi,” he admits out loud.
I snort. I know for a fact he’s straight. Or, at the very least, he’s not into me. Although after our experience in the shower, I’m glad to know there’s a level of fluidity to what he’s willing to try. “Buddy, you don’t have to be anything or prescribe to any label.”
He presses his lips together, considering. “It doesn’t bother you that I don’t want you?”
Exhaling, I run a hand through my hair. “Honestly? No. Our friendship will always be the most significant relationship we share. And I’m good with that. More than good, honestly. Especially if it means we get to keep her.”
“I love you, Merce,” he says softly, his gaze drifting to Sawyer. “You’re the most important person in my life. Or, I guess I should say one of them now.”
“I love you, too,” I choke out. The words are hard for me to share. He knows that. He won’t press me on it. I’ve always been so protective of my heart, whether it was with romantic partners or my closest friends.
“What do you think caused her to break down earlier?” he whispers, still watching Sawyer sleep.
I love this man. But he’s so absurdly dense.
“Tremblay,” I hiss. “He’s a fucking menace. Rotten to the core.”
I peek down at Sawyer, too, my subconscious taking over, needing the reminder that she’s really here. Ensuring she hasn’t snuck off again.
I know damn well the second she’s out of my sight, I could lose her again.
It’s the not knowing that hurts the worst.
It’s the broken trust that has me doubting everything.
“He’s messing with her head,” I say, forcing my voice to even out. “She thinks she’s trapped. She was a mess when she showed up here tonight. She shouldn’t have been driving in that state. Then to just take off and run into the storm like that? What was she even thinking?”
She was thinking you were mad. That’s why she ran. She was thinking she wanted to get away from you.
I shake my head, dislodging the intrusive thoughts.
The duvet rustles as Noah shifts. “She’s better now, though, isn’t she?”
I rough a hand down my face and sigh.
No. We distracted her tonight. We’ve solved nothing. Whatever was going on, it’s not over, and we haven’t even begun to unpack the issue or figure out what happens next.
But I can’t tell Noah that.
Instead, I drop my hands to my lap and lower my head. “I think we have a better chance of keeping him from sinking his claws into her again if we keep her here.”
Noah sighs. He waits a few beats. Then, evenly, he murmurs, “You’re not okay.”
I’m not.
He knows.
But what the hell am I supposed to say to that?
I can’t break down. I need to be strong for him. For Sawyer. I need to keep it together so this new dynamic we’re exploring doesn’t fall apart.
“It’s okay to be soft sometimes, Merce.”
My muscles lock up as the dueling urges to freeze and to fight grip my insides.
“You need to let her be soft sometimes, too,” he breathes. “You expect so much out of everyone. But she’s hurt. She messed up and she’s confused.”
The sharp, defensive armor I long ago created slips into place and one counterargument after another flits through my mind.
Before I can settle on one, he says, “It’s okay to feel out of control.
It’s okay to be scared. But you can’t bulldoze through her feelings while she’s trying to process all the shit she’s been through.
You can’t tell her how to feel or expect her to stick to a standardized timeline as she wades through the mess, searching for a solution. ”
I tug on my hair, relishing the pain that lances my scalp. But she’s trapped. She’s stuck in a problem of her own making.
The week I gave her was more than generous, given the situation.
If he thinks—
“I know you want to argue with me,” he says, a hint of amusement in his tone.
“But for once, I have more experience than you when it comes to a woman. Please do me the honor of taking my advice. If you can’t do that, then at least keep your arguments to yourself and let me think you’re going to take it.
” He brushes a tendril of hair from her face.
“Let her be soft. Be what she craves when it all feels like too much. Let this be the place where she knows she’s safe. ”
Mouth snapped shut, I finally inch closer, willing the tension in my muscles and the anxiety in my chest to unwind.
As I settle on the bed, a heavy, drawn-out yawn surprises me. I’ve been so wired. I’m only now realizing how tired I really am.
“You need rest,” he says. “Don’t set an alarm. I’ll get up early and take her with me while I do chores. If she wants. I’d like to invite her to stay all day, and maybe she could sleep over tomorrow night, too.”
His optimism pisses me off.
He’s not grasping the extent of the situation.
“You could make dinner tomorrow night,” he suggests. “We could do a bonfire. I think she’ll agree if we plan out the day and ask her to stay. Then you two could go to work together on Monday.”
Fuck being soft.
Noah’s soft enough for the both of us.
Mentally, I drop the iron gates around my heart. He doesn’t understand how dire this situation is, but I refuse to shatter his hope tonight.
I can’t hurt him. And I sure as hell won’t let her hurt him either.
Rather than voicing my concerns, I reach over Sawyer’s body and grip him by the back of the head.
“She’s here now,” I say. “We’ll ask her to stay tomorrow, and then we can take it from there.”
It’s a vapid reassurance, but it’s all I have to offer tonight.