Chapter 33 Mercer
Chapter thirty-three
Mercer
My joints ache, yet I can’t stop gripping the rough wooden banister. It’s far too cold to be outside for long without a coat. Yet here I am, planted on this porch, unable to go back into the house and face the reality of my actions.
He was neglected and abused.
His father locked him in a fucking cage.
Then I came along, didn’t like his attitude, and shoved him in a fucking locker.
“Enough.”
Startled, I whip around, finding Noah on the opposite end of the porch, arms crossed over his chest.
He’s wearing a coat and beanie, appropriately dressed for this kind of weather.
I cock one eyebrow in defiance. “Enough what?”
With a heavy sigh, he drops his arms. “You’ve beaten yourself up enough already.”
He approaches, each step steady and measured. “Careful out here,” he mutters. “A few of these boards look like they’ve seen better days. I was going to replace them this weekend, actually.”
I scan the planks beneath me, but with such heavy snow and so much wind, they’re barely visible.
Without any more commentary, he sidles up beside me, looking out at the snow-covered yard. It’s really coming down now. It’s like we’re in the center of a well-shaken snow globe.
“I feel terrible,” I admit, keeping my gaze forward.
“I know.” He wraps one arm around me.
Deadpan, I add, “I also still despise him.”
My best friend’s shoulders shake as he chuckles quietly. “You despise what you know based on limited information you had until now. You thought you had to compete with the kid.”
“He’s not a kid,” I counter.
“No. He most certainly is not.”
It’s been easy to put Tytus Tremblay in a box—to label his actions as juvenile, immature, and reckless. He’s a student. A hot-headed athlete. There are so many small, insignificant labels I wanted to give him because I wanted him to be small and insignificant to Sawyer, and by extension, to me.
But when I look at the full picture, when I consider everything he’s endured, his accomplishments are mystifying.
To be a highly accomplished athlete, to make it this far without any real support, structure, or supervision is impressive.
Then there’s the care and concern he showed for Sawyer last night.
It was deep and real and selfless. There is no doubt in my mind about his capacity to love and his willingness to be with our girl.
He fucked up. I fucked up.
Yet the most significant difference is that he’s actively trying.
While I’ve all but given up.
I’m both ashamed and wildly frustrated with myself.
Noah nudges me with his shoulder. “Based on last night and today, I’m thinking it’s safe to assume this is no longer a competition?”
I gawk at the sentiment.
I can’t even begin to wrap my head around Tremblay—Tytus—also being romantically and sexually involved with Sawyer.
“She was okay with both of us,” he says. “Why not make it three?”
“Are you serious right now?” I shove off the banister, raking both hands through my hair.
Why not make it three?
Like it’s a casual thing. Like there aren’t layers of animosity and loathing woven into every interaction between us.
What he did was heinous.
What I did was worse.
Sawyer is certain Tytus will forgive me.
What she didn’t count on is that I don’t know that I can forgive myself. “You were in the truck last night too, Merce.”
I huff out a humorless laugh. I was in the truck, all right. I had a front-row seat to the debauchery. I even lent a helping hand. Literally.
“You saw how codependent they are,” he goes on, looking out over the snowy landscape.
“How much she needed and wanted him. Yeah, she was high and not herself, but there had to be some truth to her requests. After all that’s gone on over the last few months, all the times she was conflicted, or shut us out, it makes more sense now, doesn’t it?
She needs him. I can’t ask her to give that up. ”
Numbness sets in. Because so much of what he’s saying makes sense.
Still…
“He’d never agree,” I mutter. It’s a stupid response. I don’t have any real understanding of how Tytus Tremblay operates. He’s surprised me more than once over the last twenty-four hours.
Noah grips the banister, his head hanging low between his arms. “Maybe not. But I don’t see her choosing us over him. Just like I doubt he’ll willingly walk away. We at least owe it to Sawyer, and I guess to ourselves, to float the idea.”
His words settle into my bones, adding a layer to the frigidness. The snow is really coming down now, making it almost impossible to see the barn from here.
Why not make it three.
Jesus H.
Why not commit myself to a life of shame and unnecessary strife?
There’s nothing I want less than to have to get along with Tytus.
Unfortunately, there’s something I do want more.
Another chance. A shot at happiness with the woman who has utterly and completely mystified me since the moment we met.
I don’t want to fold Tytus into the mix.
But I’ll do anything to make Sawyer stay.
“God dammit,” I mutter as reluctant acceptance washes over me.
“I know, brother,” Noah says, chuckling. “I know.”
“It might not work. This all might blow up in our faces,” I challenge. But there’s no heat to my words.
“So you’d rather sit this out and not try at all?”
He’s got me there.
Like hell am I sitting anything out.
“Tell ya what,” he says, bringing his cupped hands to his mouth to warm them.
“Sawyer and I still need to talk, just the two of us. I also need to head out and see whether they’ve done a second pass on the roads.
I plan to pick up a few provisions while I’m out.
I’ll ask if she wants to go with me. We’ll be gone at least an hour, maybe two.
Consider this your first attempt at playing nice with your new friend. ”
A wall of panic nearly takes me out. “You’re leaving me with him?”
He smirks, shaking his head. “Let’s reframe it,” he suggests, his tone patronizing in a way that makes me want to lash out and reject what he says next, regardless of what it is. “I’m giving you an opportunity to find common ground. To see whether peace is possible.”
I shake my head and push off the banister, anger flooding me.
But before I can form a rebuttal, Noah grasps my shoulder. “We’ve got a lot riding on this. I believe in you, and I suspect Sawyer would tell you she believes in you, too. Don’t let us down.”
With that, my best friend turns and walks away.