Chapter 32
Dex
When I get back from the bar, my head is a bit fuzzy from too many beers. I’m disappointed to find Korren already in bed. He’s probably just pretending to sleep, but it’s obvious he wants to avoid me, which hurts like hell. Especially now that I think I’m feeling something real for him.
But that’s messed up. If I’m actually into him and he’s straight, it’s not fair for me to demand anything from him. I need to step back and respect his boundaries, because I’m still convinced I’d rather live with him—even if it means I’m never allowed to touch him again—than lose him.
Korren is going to be so fucking impressed with my restraint. And it’s going to kill me.
I don’t cuddle him that night.
When I wake up the next morning, Korren is already outside gathering kindling to dry beside our mountain of firewood. There’s no coffee and banter to start the morning, just a terse “Hey” from Korren when I come out the door.
But when I reach for his hand, he takes it without protest. So he’s still not giving up on the challenge.
And after my revelation last night, after touching him so much yesterday on the fishing trip, this is basically torture.
I want all of him. More than he can give me.
Yeah, not going to happen.
We don’t say a single word on the way down to the fire station. I can’t even pretend I’m paying attention to the rest of the crew, so I tell them I’m hungover as an excuse for my grim mood.
But there’s no hiding it the second day.
A whole week passes, then two.
Korren and I share a few words here and there, but only about practical things. I swear I hear him talking to that damn cat more than he ever talks to me.
Earlier this summer, I was trying so damn hard to fit in with the guys, to pass for a firefighter.
Now I don’t give a shit.
Holding his hand is the only thing I look forward to each day. I’m craving him with fiber of my being, and all I can do is touch his fucking hand. He’s quiet as he walks beside me, as always, but I still get the feeling he likes it, and that makes the whole thing worse.
“You guys are both acting really weird,” Cami says one morning over bagels. “Have you fought?”
“We’re not dating,” I growl. “I don’t care what he gets up to.”
It’s a relief when we’re called out to another fire, this time a small one not too far from Copper Creek, close enough that we can smell the smoke from town. This time we drive to the end of the road and then hike in. No helicopters involved.
It’s good to escape. Good to leave behind the tense uncertainty of home.
Except we’re sharing a tent again.
“Can we not act like normal roommates?” I ask Korren grumpily when I join him in our tent that first night. “Why do you have to be so hostile all the time?”
“You saw what happened when we let our guards down,” he mumbles. “I don’t want that.”
“Everyone on the crew is going to think something’s up if we act like we hate each other through this whole fire.”
He’s quiet a moment. “Fine,” he says at last. “I’ll talk to you again. But no more dares. And no cuddling while we’re out here.”
“As if that was going to happen,” I say sarcastically. I’m painfully aware that the bed-sharing-and-cuddling dare is still active, and I can take advantage of it whenever I want since he’s still sleeping in my bed, but it wouldn’t seem right given how things stand.
He turns away from me, and I’m left staring at the lingering evening light that shines through the tent fabric.
I think about what he said.
When we let our guards down.
That almost makes it sound as though part of him wants me too, only he’s trying not to show it.
This is closer than we’ve slept in a long time. It’s a small tent, and we’re big guys. It’s not my fault that my shoulder ends up pressed against Korren’s back.
But it is my own damn fault that I can’t stop thinking about all the times I’ve slept with my arms around him. The time I washed his beautiful body and admired every contour. The hot wetness of his mouth around my cock. The way he fucked me.
Soon I’m hard and aching, and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it.
Fuck this. Fuck all of this. I can’t keep going this way.
But I can’t give him up.
Korren starts acting more normal with me after that. We talk, and sometimes we even hack down black spruce side by side, and we share the odd joke.
One morning I dare to make coffee for him, and he doesn’t dump it on my head.
And it hurts even more than before, because it reminds me how good we are together. We’re the perfect team. We don’t need to hide anything around each other.
After a full week at the fire, we fall back into an easy, unforced rapport that I don’t share with anyone else on the crew.
Even though I know I shouldn’t, I watch Korren whenever he’s not working beside me, admiring his lean, muscular frame and the cut of his cheekbones and the dark intensity of his gaze.
I’ve never looked at a guy this way before. But now that I let myself do it, I can’t believe I kept insisting I was straight for so long.
At last we get the fire under control and head back to Copper Creek.
I think it will be good to find a new normal with Korren away from the crew, but the stiff silence returns that first evening.
I can’t think of a single thing to say that won’t come out wrong, and Korren doesn’t make any effort.
He’s too busy showering Charcoal with affection after our long absence, which would make me jealous as hell if it weren’t so adorable.
As before, Korren is wrecked after barely sleeping at the fire, so he goes to bed early and is passed out by the time I join him.
I spend a long time looking at him in the glow from my phone screen.
There’s a softness to his face that I haven’t seen in ages, and he’s sprawled across the middle of the bed as though he went searching for me in his sleep.
Now I’m getting hard.
I shut myself in the bathroom and jerk off angrily in the dark, thinking back to Korren’s mouth around my cock, his fist tight as he swallowed me down.
When I come, shuddering from the release after so many days of lying awake in our tent with a hard-on that I couldn’t do anything about, I slump against the sink and curse my stupidity.
How did I get myself into this situation again? I’m once again pining for someone who doesn’t want me, once again going along with idiotic dares for the sake of keeping someone at my side.
The only difference is that Korren has no idea how I feel about him.
And I’m going to keep it that way.
Because if I told him I was starting to care for him, he would run. I know he would. I wouldn’t see him again.
And I can’t bear to lose him.
I lie awake for hours that night, staring at the ceiling, wondering how I can get myself out of this mess. It would be so much easier if I gave Korren the cabin and left, but I won’t. I need him in my life, even if it’s just in a small way.
I’m still awake when Korren starts shouting and thrashing around in the bed.
“Korren,” I say.
He doesn’t wake up.
“Korren!” I put a hand on his shoulder and shake him lightly.
He lashes out at me, so I seize his hand and guide it away from my face.
“Korren. Baby. It’s just a nightmare.”
This time he bolts upright, his breathing heavy and ragged in the dark.
“It’s just me. Dex.” I release his hand gently and sit up beside him. “You’re safe. We’re back at the cabin, and you’ve had a nightmare.”
Korren’s breathing is still sharp and jagged, on the edge of panic.
“Korren. I’m here.”
I lay a hand tentatively on his shoulder, which is hunched forward and shaking. He doesn’t say anything, but he drops his head toward me so it rests on my chest, and I wrap both arms around him and shelter him until his breathing slows and his body stops shuddering.
And it’s just us alone in the darkness, and everything I’ve been worrying about doesn’t seem to matter right now with Korren here in my arms. So I lay down and draw him against my chest and breathe in the smell of pine in his hair and hope he won’t hate me for this in the morning.