Chapter Twenty-Two
Ruby struck a pose and held up a bag like a prize the second Barrett opened the door to her apartment. “Greasy, delicious tacos.”
Barrett moaned with anticipation. “From the place on—”
“You know it.” She flounced around Barrett and into the apartment.
Ruby knew her way around Barrett’s apartment almost as well as she knew the way around her own place—and she wasn’t shy to demonstrate that.
She started pulling containers from the bags, making drinks, and setting up the TV with some sitcom they’d both seen a million times.
It was purposely something they could talk over.
And she threw pillows from Barrett’s couch onto the floor around the coffee table.
Apparently, it was a dinner on the floor kind of night.
“I can help,” Barrett said, joining her at the kitchen counter.
“No, thank you.” She beamed at Barrett. “Sit down.”
Barrett laughed when her tone presented no other option than to oblige.
As she slid onto the floor, watching Ruby whirl around her apartment, she was struck by Orion’s words.
They’d barely left her mind since she’d left their office.
So much so that, when Ruby had called, Barrett had been too distracted to pretend she was fine.
Ruby had instantly insisted on coming over with food, like it was no trouble at all.
It felt as though Orion was sending the universe to make a point.
Oscar wasn’t any better. He’d refused to leave her side since she walked in. Even now, with Ruby in the building, dishing up food, he was clambering into Barrett’s lap.
They both just showed up. Ruby brought her food, just like Barrett had been doing for Iris.
And Ruby wasn’t afraid of losing herself in Barrett’s shit.
They’d hang out, talk about what was going on, and Ruby would go home to her own life—to Georgie and Deepti and her job and whatever the hell she wanted to do later that wasn’t panicking about making Barrett’s life better.
“Do you worry about me when you’re not here?” she asked Ruby, studying her for any sign of a lie.
Ruby laughed in surprise, shooting Barrett a glance. “I did on the way over. I might tonight, depending on what’s going on. But, as a general rule, I just spend a lot of time hoping everything is going well and you’re getting only good things in life.”
“But… you’ll sleep peacefully tonight?”
“I assume so?” She looked worried now, hesitating before bringing their food to the coffee table, as if something genuinely terrible had come up in therapy.
Barrett shook her head. She hadn’t meant to stress Ruby out. “Just something I was talking to Orion about.”
“Oh.” Her muscles relaxed and she made two trips between the counter and the living area to bring their food and drinks before dropping down and looking seriously at Barrett. “Do you want to explain?”
“Ugh. They think I have feelings for Iris.”
“Which you obviously do.”
Barrett stared at her with wide eyes. As if she had no idea of the emotional attack she’d just executed, Ruby simply sipped her drink and watched Barrett over the rim of her glass.
“What?” Barrett eventually spat out.
“Is this news? I thought we all knew that.”
“How would we possibly all know that?”
Ruby shot her a confused look. “Because it’s really obvious? You’ve been talking about her and how she’s hot for ages.”
“Thinking someone is hot isn’t the same as having feelings for them.” She hesitated. “And I didn’t say hot.”
“Yeah, because there’s only one way to say that.” She laughed, shook her head, and started digging into her tacos. “You call her princess, you’ve made it clear you think she’s gorgeous, you’re super cute with her in person… Really not seeing the issue here.”
“Okay. Fine. Forget that. She’s hot. It’s not a big deal. But… feelings? What the hell?”
Ruby’s eyes ran over Barrett as she ate, and she looked like she was attempting to solve an impossible puzzle.
Eventually, she wiped her hands and said, “You’ve been around someone you think is hot for years, so it’s not just a passing attraction since it hasn’t gone anywhere.
That already suggested it was a little more…
feelings-y than you apparently realized.
But then I saw you with her and it was so obvious.
Plus, you’ve been hanging out loads, getting to know each other… ” She shrugged. “Feelings-y.”
Barrett blew out a breath. The tacos would probably have been delicious if she could actually taste them. “So. Orion thinks I have feelings for her. And you think I have feelings for her.”
“Deepti too.”
“Oh, sure, yeah. Deepti too. Of course.”
Barrett wasn’t sure what the hell was going on, but she didn’t like her chances of figuring it out.
She slowly ate a taco, staring at the TV and seeing nothing at all.
“She’s cute,” Ruby said, entirely unhelpfully. “You look good together. I can see it.”
“I don’t fucking date, Ruby. What are you talking about?”
She laughed. “Just because you haven’t, doesn’t mean you can’t. And we know that’s just because you needed the right person to come along after everything you’d been through. Maybe Iris is the right person.”
Every part of Barrett knew she was right, but actually getting her brain to accept that was borderline impossible. “That’s pretty much everything I was talking to Orion about.”
“Makes sense.” She reached across the table. “Do you want guac?”
“Do I want guac?” Barrett was going to explode. “Of course I do!”
“Great. You want guac and you want Iris. It’s really not that complicated.”
“It absolutely is.”
“Why?”
Ruby had been her best friend so long now that there wasn’t even the instinct to put up a barrier with her over this. Even through all of the turmoil, Barrett was self-aware enough to recognize that was a good thing, progress. All that goddamn growth Orion had been talking about.
But there were still parts of her that felt like they hadn’t grown at all. And that was far too messy.
“Because,” she said, already resigned, “I’ve never wanted someone… properly. When you let people in, they hurt you, they need you, and you can’t say no.”
“That’s not true.” Ruby said it so quickly, her mouth was still half full, the sound muffled. But Barrett got it. She knew you got to refuse things. She’d done years upon years of work on that.
“Okay, sure. You potentially can say no, but the other person becomes consuming, their needs take over. And who do I become within that? A shell?”
“Barrett,” Ruby said, wiping her fingers again before reaching for her.
“This isn’t you speaking. It’s the scared version of you that ran away from your family.
Adult version of you knows that healthy relationships aren’t about giving up everything you are for the other person.
They’re about finding someone who complements you, who supports and helps you too. ”
“I’m sure you’re right, intellectually. But I think we can both agree that knowing something doesn’t necessarily mean your emotions are going to play along the first time you experience it.
” She growled before taking an aggressive bite of her food.
“I should have done more dating. I didn’t know I needed to be prepared for this to happen. ”
“You’d thought… what? That, because of your family, any desire to be in a relationship had drained out of you?”
“For thirty-odd years, it had. I don’t think it’s all that confusing to be shocked about it now.”
Ruby smiled. “Barrett, do you think you might just be panicking because you really like Iris and falling for someone is always going to be a little terrifying?”
“Hell if I know. As established, I haven’t fallen for people before. And, for the record, my colleague who hates me is a hell of a place to start.”
Ruby attempted—and failed—to stifle her laugh behind her hand. “Iris doesn’t hate you. I actually think she’s into you too, and you can’t tell me I’m wrong because I haven’t met her this time. I have met her. Twice. And I’m still telling you that.”
“You just want it to be true.”
“I do—you deserve wonderful things—but it’s not just that.” She took a breath, her expression becoming more sincere. “And, if you do date her, it’s not going to be like your family.”
“We don’t know that.”
“You’re not a helpless kid with nowhere else to go, who doesn’t know anything else. You know better now. You have a therapist, and friends, and you’re both adults.”
“But she’s struggling. And I want to make it better.”
“Yeah, that’s what happens when you care about someone.”
Barrett narrowed her eyes, trying to see the answers to all the ways that was possibly different from her family and everything she’d had to do for them.
She hated feelings. They were undoing all the careful work she’d done over the past twenty years. They were unravelling who she was. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been close to this unsettled about anything. This wasn’t who she was anymore.
Although, in truth, this wasn’t who she’d been with her family, either. Maybe she really had grown. Even when she was panicking. How annoying.
“I worry about you, I worry about Deepti. I would show up to help either of you with anything. I’d give my right arm to keep you both safe.” Ruby smiled and dolloped more guac on Barrett’s plate—the only sign she’d been eating while she pouted.
“That’s not healthy.”
“Barrett. Healthy isn’t just a place you sit in that isn’t any of the things you’ve felt before.
It’s still caring, still feeling like you’d give anything for the people you love, and knowing where the boundaries are.
It’s choosing not to set yourself on fire for the people you love.
And it’s knowing that other adults can handle their own shit, even if they appreciate you helping out.
” She gestured to the table. “Like, if I hadn’t shown up tonight, you’d have been fine, right? ”
“Of course.”
“But it’s nicer when I’m here.”
“Yeah. When you’re not agreeing quite so readily with Orion, maybe.” Finally, she cracked a smile.
“What did they have to say about the whole thing?”