Chapter Twenty-Six #2
“Life isn’t all sunshine and rainbows, unfortunately,” Ruby told her with a wistful smile.
“Falling in love with someone isn’t going to make it be, either.
You’ll have your shit, she’ll have hers, life will have its own stuff, but all of that is easier when you’re not alone.
And I know that’s secretly what you’ve always wanted.
Maybe you didn’t think it was possible, but I know you, Barrett, and there’s a romantic in there.
You owe it to yourself to let her out sometimes. ”
When she thought about it, Barrett realized it wasn’t even that she didn’t think it was possible—though she might have said that in the past—it really was that she thought she didn’t deserve it.
That she’d ruin it. Of course, she’d always thought it technically possible that she might fall in love some day.
She’d just spent extortionate amounts of energy trying to prevent it.
And some part of her mind had considered Iris safe enough to be around because why would Iris ever want her?
In the end, that ignorant insistence had simply allowed Iris to slip through her defenses and set up home in her heart.
Now, it felt impossible, but in an entirely different way.
In that overwhelming, completely baffling way that probably struck everyone when they realized the person they cared about was asking permission to care about them in return, to see all of them.
Even the ugly parts that told them to run away.
“How do you trust that you’re not going to wreck it?” Barrett asked both of them.
Deepti laughed. “You don’t. You take the threat seriously and show up anyway.”
“You trust yourself and the other person to be on the same team. And, when something comes up, you take it to them and work on it together.” Ruby rested her head on Deepti’s shoulder, but she was watching Barrett intently, her gaze reminding Barrett of the baggage she’d been carrying for a long time, the things she thought made her unlovable.
But here she was, showing up, sharing, and being so fiercely loved.
As if to emphasize the point, Deepti twisted her head to press a run of tiny kisses into Ruby’s curls.
It looked so easy when they said it, when they sat in front of her like this. But Barrett knew Ruby’s story, she knew it wasn’t easy. Ruby was just trusting Deepti to be able to handle that. They were building their team and trusting it to be strong enough to weather the storms.
Just like Barrett needed to do with Iris.
“It’s not always gonna be easy,” Deepti said after another cold fry. “Chances are you’re going to accidentally hurt each other, your pasts are going to bump into each other and press bruises you each wish you didn’t have. You just have to learn to heal that damage with each other.”
Ruby watched Barrett as her mind cycled through that idea.
She understood the concept, but she wasn’t sure she knew how to actually heal damage with someone she cared about in a way that worked for both of them.
If her mom or her siblings had been annoyed with her, she’d apologize, cave, and do what they wanted.
It bred distance, not intimacy. Resentment over trust.
“Iris and Orion can both help you figure that out,” Ruby promised with a small, knowing smile. “It’s tricky when you’ve got a past. You’ll probably both need some help navigating it. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.”
Deepti smiled too. “We’re doing the same thing. Just figuring it out together.”
“Yeah?” Barrett breathed, her voice more than a little strangled.
The two of them fit together so perfectly.
They were so happy together. Barrett had been watching them love each other so fantastically for weeks now.
And there was something comforting in knowing that kind of love didn’t come from two perfectly healed, healthy people, but rather, from two people committed to making it work.
She’d heard people describe being in love as a choice you made.
For the longest time, she’d relied on that choice being what kept her safe, but she was starting to understand it better now.
She actually had very little choice in how she felt about Iris.
The choice was in letting her in, in showing up as the most honest, authentic version of herself she could, and simply asking for the same from Iris.
It was easy when she thought about it like that.
Nothing in Iris’ past made her less lovable, less interesting, or less worthy of the trust involved in loving her.
“Yes,” Ruby said proudly. “And being in love is amazing! You’re going to love it.”
Barrett laughed. “Me? In love? Can you imagine? How unlikely.”
“Not unlikely at all. Hell, you’re already halfway there. Just let yourself fall the rest of the way in. I think you’ll be okay.”
“I’ll be a wreck.”
She laughed sweetly. “Maybe we’re all wrecks in love.”
“Maybe that’s the best bit,” Deepti mused. “What’s more outstanding than building the most beautiful thing you’ve ever had with the one person who’s seen all the wrecked and broken parts of you and deemed them perfect?”
Barrett smiled and nodded as she swallowed quickly, blinking the tears from her eyes. “Well, shit. When are you two getting married?”
They shared a look so loaded Barrett momentarily wondered if she’d hit the nail on the head without meaning to.
“Well,” Ruby said, dramatically stacking her hands on the table in front of her. “It’s not quite a marriage, but we do have some exciting news.”
Barrett waved her hands in question. “Don’t leave me hanging! What is it?”
“We’re moving in together!”
Without thinking, Barrett was up out of her seat, reaching to hug them both. “Congratulations! That’s incredible. When? Where? Is Georgie on board?”
Deepti laughed at that final question in a way that told Barrett she was still being attacked on the regular by the ginger menace. But they loved her anyway.
“Deepti’s moving into my place,” Ruby explained. “It makes the most sense for work, and Georgie, and everything. Georgie is thrilled—”
“She is not,” Deepti snorted.
Ruby’s expression became a puppy-dog one that would rival Oscar’s. “She loves you, you know that. She’s just… feisty.”
“And I wouldn’t have her any other way.”
Barrett smiled and sat back down as they kissed, and her heart ached for Iris again.
She really was halfway to being in love.
Every part of her brain knew how easy kissing Iris like that would be, how wonderful it would feel, how much she wanted to give Iris everything she’d ever wanted—even if it was a cat that attacked her every day for the rest of her life.
The fear was still there, the question of how she prevented losing herself, sacrificing herself, but there was so much hope inside of her, unfamiliar and overwhelming, as she watched Ruby and Deepti and thought of Iris.
“We’re going to celebrate officially on Sunday night,” Ruby said when she looked back at Barrett.
“It’s the only night I have off work,” Deepti explained.
Ruby bit her lip and smiled before saying, “Maybe you should invite Iris to join us.”