Chapter Eighteen #3
His jaw twitched faintly as he looked at her.
“Is that what you really want?” he asked softly.
“To be separated from me for what could be years? To end up loving a memory more than a man? That is not what I want, Athdara. I want to love the woman, not the dream. Not the hope of what the future will bring. You must do this. And if we are to be together, then I must help you.”
Athdara was looking at him incredulously, but she could see that he was serious. Deadly serious. There was no doubt, nor any question, on his face. He’d made a decision and was completely committed to it.
He was going to give up Blackchurch.
“Oh… Tay,” she whispered tightly, her eyes filling with tears. “You cannot mean this.”
“I mean every word.”
“But… but your position here,” Athdara said, struggling. “You are the first trainer. You are the Leviathan. You are the face of Blackchurch to every recruit that comes through the gates, and you cannot forsake that.”
“I told you that I—”
She cut him off. “Please do not put that burden on me,” she said, more strongly. “You cannot leave something you love, something you have worked hard to achieve, for a cause that does not concern you. It is my cause.”
“I understand what you are saying,” he said. “But when I fell in love with you, your cause became my cause. If you go, I go.”
“But yesterday, we agreed to wait.”
“I have changed my mind.”
Athdara was trying desperately not to weep, but she wasn’t doing a very good job. She was wiping away tears that were falling faster than she could catch them.
Ming Tang finally stepped forward, putting himself between Tay and St. Denis. “Mayhap it is best that they discuss the situation between them,” he said to St. Denis. “Clearly, this is not an easy thing for either of them. Give them time to settle this, my lord.”
St. Denis wasn’t unsympathetic, but he was shocked to see how resolute Tay was about his love for Athdara. It reminded him very much of his feelings for his wife, gone these many years. Reaching back into his memory, he could well understand Tay’s position.
But that didn’t change the situation where Blackchurch was concerned.
“Tay, I will say one thing and leave you to make your final decision,” he said.
“As you have said, Blackchurch has a longstanding rule of not involving ourselves in a conflict. That is how we have survived. While I understand your feelings and your stance in this matter, I must make one thing perfectly clear—if you resign your position as my Leviathan, you cannot return. You will never again train at Blackchurch, because you have chosen to place your personal loyalties above the needs of our guild and our reputation. That means you can be swayed, and I can never have a trainer who has proven that he can be swayed or coerced. That will ruin our integrity. Do you understand this?”
The first hint of emotion rippled across Tay’s face. “I do,” he said quietly. “This was not an easy decision, my lord, believe me. I did not make it lightly. But the lady and I love one another. If you have ever loved a woman, you know how I feel. I cannot let her go without me.”
St. Denis held his gaze a moment longer before turning away.
“Of course I know how you feel,” he muttered, realizing that Tay was indeed choosing Athdara over him and his prestigious guild.
“But you are the last person I expected this from. I made you the lady’s ward because I trusted you. You have violated that trust.”
“That was never my intention, my lord.”
“And now you tell me you are leaving? I just lost my son. Now I must lose you, too?”
“My lord, let Tay and the lady speak further on this subject alone,” Ming Tang interjected.
He had to before things got out of control and words that could not be taken back were spoken.
“Give him time to make a decision based on careful thought. I am sure you appreciate that news of the lady’s departure has forced him into making a swift decision. ”
Tay started to protest, but Ming Tang waved him away, almost frantically.
As he went after St. Denis to reason with the man, Athdara grasped Tay by the arm and pulled him toward the door.
Fox was right behind them, as was St. Sebastian, ushering Tay and Athdara from the chamber.
St. Sebastian stopped when they came to the keep entry, but Fox continued after them, following them all the way out of the small bailey and onto the road beyond.
“I do not need to be rushed out as if I am a naughty child,” Tay finally said, digging in his heels and coming to a halt. “I appreciate your concern, but it is not necessary.”
Athdara didn’t let him go. “Do you not think your change of heart was something we should have discussed before you told Lord Exmoor about it?” she said, almost angrily. “Last night, we were in agreement.”
“Last night, you were not leaving imminently.”
Athdara sighed with great regret, her gaze moving to Fox, who was standing a few feet away. The man was looking at Tay with great concern, and Athdara was touched by it.
But this wasn’t his problem.
“Fox,” she said softly. “May I speak with Tay alone, please?”
He looked at her but didn’t seem inclined to move quickly. His gaze returned to Tay, and, after a moment, he closed the gap between them and stood fairly close to his colleague. He put his hand on the back of Tay’s neck and pulled his head downward, so their foreheads were almost touching.
“If you go, I go,” he said quietly. “You and I have been friends for a very long time, Tay. You were there for me through difficult times, and I will not abandon you when you need me most. If you fight for Toxandria, then I will also. I never planned on staying at Blackchurch forever. Mayhap it is time to find new adventures.”
With that, he headed off, leaving Athdara open-mouthed at what she had just heard. But her gaze lingered on Tay, who was watching Fox walk away.
When he finally turned to her, she lifted her shoulders. “Well?” she said. “Mayhap you would like to explain to me what changed your mind.”
He took a long, pensive breath. “I cannot tell you anything more than what I said in there,” he said.
“I was fine with waiting for you until the very news you’d been hoping for came today.
Now, your departure is imminent, and I am not ready to be without you, Athdara.
What changed my mind? You did. Thinking of you fighting a battle alone, without me, changed it.
If I truly love you as I say I do, then you will never fight any battle alone. Don’t you understand that?”
Athdara could see how much he meant it. Gently, she put a hand on his cheek. “And I love you for it,” she said. “But this has always been my fight.”
“If I were facing a battle, would you sit by and let me fight it alone?”
She opened her mouth but stopped, then snorted. “I almost said that I would, but it is a lie,” she said. “I would fight for you and kill for you, Tay. So I do understand your position, my darling, truly. But you said yourself that you do not want to leave Blackchurch. You love it so.”
“I love you more.”
She didn’t have a reply for that. If he loved her as he said he did, then that was the only answer he could give. With a smile that was full of sorrow, because their situation was a heartbreaking one, she stood on her toes and kissed him on the cheek before dropping her hand.
“You have training to finish for the day, and so do I,” she said.
“Let me return to Fox and try to talk him out of coming with you, but you should return to your recruits. I will see you this evening, and we will speak more about it. Mayhap… mayhap we simply need a few hours away from one another to think about this. A fresh perspective, as it were.”
“I will not change my mind.”
“I am not asking you to. But I want you to be very, very sure it’s what you want.”
“It is.”
She wasn’t going to argue with him. She squeezed his hand one last time before turning in the direction Fox had gone.
“I will see you tonight, my darling,” she said, blowing Tay a kiss.
He watched her head back in the direction of Exford Castle and Fox’s training ground before heading toward the lake, where his recruits were heaving rocks today.
He was resolute that he was making the right decision.
True, it had been a swift one because of the nature of the missive from Roubaix, but he didn’t regret it.
Last night, as he lay awake in bed, he hadn’t been entirely sure he would be able to wait for her anyway.
Months or years away from the woman he loved were not in his nature, and he had decided that, come what may, they would be together.
If that meant he was no longer a Blackchurch trainer, it would be with great regret that he would surrender his position.
But he didn’t regret loving Athdara.
As he approached the group of recruits, he could see that they’d already carried one man off the field. It seemed that the older man from Flanders had failed his exercises miserably, but Tay didn’t give him a second thought as he focused on the remaining recruits and what they were doing.
Unfortunately, that mistake was going to cost him.