Chapter 8
eight
. . .
Sparring with Celeste may have been less weird than hunting a pix, but it was no less painful. She cracked my jaw with her final punch, sending me rolling across the mat until I came up against the bars of the cage, too stunned and hurt to flinch away from the hated metal.
I lay there while the werewolves roared at me, their voices pounding into my skin as undeniably as the pixie dust had done. The moon was gone from the sky above me, my third night done, only four more to go. If I could stand up and get out of the cage. Maybe I’d just stay there, but no, because I needed to be there when Sammy woke up feeling better. Joe had said that she’d be up to meeting the other wolf children tomorrow morning.
I held my breath as I pushed myself to my knees, leaning heavily on the cage as I shoved myself up. I was actually touching the metal, but that was because everything was blurry, dream-like from a mix of my exhaustion, pain, and that annoying achy flu that I needed to do something about. Maybe Joe would make another broth for me that I could drink through a straw. Nothing else sounded possible, even carrot cake, unless there was a pix around somewhere that could change my mind. Also, a blender.
I dragged myself to the open door while the werewolf cheers grew louder and louder. Finally, I stepped out of the cage, and there was Jane to wrap my ugly orange robe around my shoulders and give me her arm to use.
I glanced up as I shuffled across the stage and saw Joe, his eyes meeting mine for a moment that washed away all the pain in my awareness of him, his strength, his nearness, and then he looked away and I was left once again with Jane, dear Jane whose control didn’t equal gentleness, but it did mean care, because she was so careful not to bruise me more than I already was, bless her soul.
In the clinic, I slept like the dead, waking up on the cot next to Sam while she complained in a loud voice that she was starving to death.
I smiled at her, at least with half of my face. Maybe Celeste could be a little gentler so that I wasn’t permanently this pretty. Dr. Soares wouldn’t want to take me out to dinner looking like this.
“Hey, Sambo. They said that you’d be feeling better today.”
She stared at me with big eyes. “What happened to you, mom?”
“Celeste is her name, and pain is her game. It was bad, but not as bad as the pix, although she kind of made me pretty, didn’t she? Also, the jaw thing. Won’t be chewing solid food for a week.”
She tugged on her needles, and the machine started beeping. The next minute, Doctor Bridger was there, her calm, professional demeanor keeping Sammy from completely losing it.
“Good morning, Samantha. I’m Doctor Bridger, the specialist in charge of lupinus transitio here in the clinic. How are you feeling today?”
Sam scowled at the doctor. “I’m fine. You should be asking my mom how she feels. Half of her face is swollen, and she’s still got that spotted pox thing going on.”
“I also have a slight flu,” I added drily, “but none of this is very life-threatening. Answer the doctor, sweetie, then we can get breakfast.” I was still so tired, there having only been a few hours since moon set, but hopefully I could get another nap after breakfast.
I watched the doctor check Sam, take her blood pressure, check her eyes, her heart rate, all while Sam twitched, unable to remain perfectly still because she was feeling so much better.
“You know about werewolves?” Sam asked while the doctor was pricking her finger for iron.
“I am a werewolf,” the doctor said with a slight smile. “We are highly concentrated in the compound during this transition, but usually we are much more widespread.”
“I thought packs were kind of small and local.”
“There are local packs, and then district packs, and then the territory pack, which is what the compound is part of.”
“What transition?”
“There are several movements right now that are—open your mouth, please—combining to create a great deal of unrest. You see, the Grand Master has made this his center of power for a long time, and as balance, the compound was established, but now that the Grand Master is shifting his forces, things are less stable. You have more movement from the zombies as well as the vampires. Also, there was a fairly recent shift in pack power five years ago, when the largest and oldest clan claiming dominion over the east coast territory was overpowered and pushed out by a newer pack, at least new to that territory, while their alpha is much older than our young country. Well,” she said, leaning back. “You look like you’re in great shape. I can take these needles out, and you can head to the cafeteria with your mom. Daniel brought some clothes for you to change into.” She nodded at a green duffel bag on the floor near the door.
Danny was here? Where was he now? What if he hit on a werewolf who ripped his pretty face off? Maybe he was in the apartment with the werewolves who ran the compound’s dojo. I tried to get up quickly, but my hips didn’t lie. They wanted to lie down, but I wouldn’t let them. Ergo, they would be as slow as possible.
While we were getting dressed, after the doctor had left, Sam was much faster than I was.
“How bad was it?” she asked as she sat on the floor to tie her shoes. This wasn’t her first time waking up in a hospital bed.
“Seizures mostly with fevers and the hair sprouting thing was pretty creepy, but Joe got you settled down pretty fast.”
“And after a stressful time like that, he still made you do fight club?”
I shouldn’t have let her watch that movie, but I liked fighting movies. “It’s only a few more nights until the full moon, and then you’ll be a legit pack member.”
“Which level of pack? Will they make you fight your way up through each level, local, district, territory, or is that a different thing? The doctor made it sound so political, also not entirely safe. What has Joe told you about pack politics?”
I shrugged, ow, and then carefully pulled on a sweatshirt, one of Danny’s that would be big enough to not hurt too much to put on or wear. “He said that the pack doesn’t keep its members pinned down, so after you’re all better, we can go back home. Maybe I should put the house up to rent. Oh! I need to email the firm and see what accounts they have for me. I thought that I’d have more time for that, but I’ve been so tired.”
“Don’t you dare work even harder, mom,” she snarled at me, eyes sparking gold for a moment that took me aback.
“Fighting isn’t work, it’s just life. You see my face and see torture, but honestly, I’ve always loved it, even if you do pay for it in pain afterwards. I’ve been much more responsible with my health and well-being since I had you, but other than the pixie polka dot disaster, I’m fine.”
She made a face at me and stomped to the door, her attitude showing how much better she was feeling, which made me smile as I tried to hurry after her, shoving my feet in the slippers I’d worn here the other night, the big black ones that matched the robe.
“My girls!” Danny cried when he saw us standing in the entrance, pushing towards us through the ‘cafeteria,’ like a four-star restaurant is a cafeteria, ignoring all the werewolves who gave him gold-tinted glares, but didn’t rip his face off. He must be magical to leave such a small wake of rage behind him.
“Uncle Danny, what’s good to eat?”
“Everything, my Sambo. We can start at the fruit salad bar, because the line is the shortest, and then move on to the cereals, of which they have a dizzying number, all hot and perfectly not lumpy, and there’s seasonal fruit as well as more exotics. Parfaits, omelets, rice bowls, and other international breakfast dishes, and that’s just breakfast. I’m going to lose my lean waist if we’re here much longer.”
He draped his arms over our shoulders. Sam held up, but I folded, hitting the floor rather abruptly. I was tempted to lay down and close my eyes for a few minutes, but then Danny was looking at me, like I was a strange specimen of weed he’d never seen before, not that he weeded.
“You okay, princess?”
“I’m good, just tired.”
“And beat up,” Sammy said with a glare at all the people around us who were studiously not making eye contact. Ah, Jane had said something about that. I should warn her not to make eye contact, along with the no touching, no questioning thing.
“You should see the other guy,” I mumbled, grabbing Danny’s hand and letting him haul me up.
“Girl,” Celeste said, coming up with a vicious smile at me. “Look all you want.”
“I’m looking,” Danny said, as he gave her an appreciative perusal.
I smacked him. “It was metaphorical.”
“Are you the tramp who beat up my mom?” Sammy asked with the most menacing glare a sickly thirteen-year-old could give.
“Tramp? Do you understand the meaning that particular word denotes, young cub?” she asked, raising a brow as she examined Sam.
“I’m not that young, only seems young because you’re so old. What are you, five, six hundred years old?”
Celeste laughed and turned to me cheerfully. “You’ve raised her to get into as much trouble as you get yourself into. How convenient that you’ve taught her fighting as well. Enjoy the gruel. That’s probably the only thing that you can get through a straw.” She winked alluringly at Danny and then walked off in heels like she’d been born in them, also like she hadn’t gotten pounded to the dust last night.
I sighed and headed for the gruel, because I didn’t have the energy to stand there thinking about things.
Look, I know gruel has a bad rep, but that gruel tasted like fresh grains had sprouted in a holy field of strawberries and vanilla, the cereal creamy, warm, sweet, nutty, melting in your mouth like sunshine on daisies. It was glorious, and I didn’t have to chew. While I was slurping up that astonishingly delicious substance, my injuries didn’t bother me, and all I felt was good. And tired. I put my head down next to my bowl a few times before Sammy would jab me with her finger.
“No sleeping in public, mom. We aren’t homeless yet.”
“Particularly if she can get alimony or child support from Benton the Beard. He’s loaded.” Danny took another large bite of omelet, then a bite of some fried root vegetable dish, and then fruit salad.
“Speaking of not being homeless, I need to get some work done at Gloria’s house.”
“He said you guys were staying here,” Danny said with a sudden frown as he pointed his fork at me. “Are you trying to ditch me with a horde of gorgeous females? I resent that. At least in theory.”
“Sammy’s going to be training with you and some other kids during the day, and then at night, we can stay here, where the hospital staff can keep an eye on her while I do that whole pack pick thing, but for me, I need to work before the firm forgets that I exist. I’m fine. I can definitely do paperwork there.”
“You’ll be at Gloria’s counting money that other people own while I’m here with Sambo? Why do I feel like I got the best bargain in that deal? Oh, that’s right, because I did. Explain that whole pack pick thing.” He took another bite of the deliciously perfect omelet while I slurped the last of my gruel.
“Four more nights of fight club, and then Sammy’s part of the pack, also Carrie if she’s infected, also anyone else Sambo bit.” I winked at her.
She scowled back at me. “I still think it’s lame. You’re acting like it’s normal for some human to have to go up against werewolves. I saw your opponent, and she’s completely healed, when I know that you’ve done serious damage to her. You can’t keep taking these kinds of hits. You’re going to get brain damage, or killed. Why don’t you let me fight for myself?”
I ruffled her hair, careful not to hurt myself. “You are fighting, Sam. You’re fighting so hard to get better, so I can fight so that you can have the help you need.”
“What about me?” Danny asked, frowning at me.
“What about you?” I asked.
He shook his head, still frowning, but I didn’t have the emotional or mental space to worry about him.
At Gloria’s, I booted up my computer, and found a dozen messages from the firm, with so much to do that it would take me a week to even start covering it all. I put on a timer, because this was going to be charged by the hour, and then I got to work.
When I stopped, it was because I fell asleep on Gloria’s kitchen table, and when I woke up, it was late, after dark.
Gloria was having a séance with her elderly neighbors, so I crept out the front door quietly, then almost died from fright when Jane appeared out of nowhere, her eyes glowing golden in the dark.
“Jane! You almost gave me a heart attack.”
“What have you been doing here?” she asked suspiciously. “It is almost moonrise.”
“Work. I know it’s hard to believe with how well I take punches to the face, but in my other life, I’m an accountant. I have to earn the bread, however tough things get.”
She stared at me for a long moment. “You were working on making money? I don’t understand.”
“To buy groceries and pay for rent, and insurance, that’s going to be a huge investment, although if she’s feeling better so soon?—”
“You are being hosted at the Compound where you may eat all that you like in the cafeteria for free. The clinic will not charge you money, and even if they did, you are Benton’s bride.”
“His money isn’t my money, and this whole situation with the compound’s free rent and free food and free medical care won’t last forever. I still have my mortgage to pay off, and don’t forget dental. I’m going to need several new crowns at the rate this pack fight is going.”
“I see. You wish to be independent after all of this is done, after your place in the pack is won, but why?”
“Not my place, Sammy’s. Do we have time to get dinner before moonrise? Probably not. Just as well, considering how likely Celeste will make me throw it all back up.” I sounded almost cheerful, and I kind of was. After tonight would be the downhill slope. Only three more nights to go, and I knew what to expect from Celest, or we might have an emergency pix hunt, but I could handle that, too.
“You are not afraid of her, even though she’s given you so much pain?”
“Pain is relative. Maybe there’s some carrot cake in the coffee shop that I can pick up either before or after.” I’d get anything Joe had made.
“You are terrified of cages, but not of someone who has cracked your jaw, who can heal more quickly than you can hurt her.” She opened the back door for me, and I got in, sliding over the pebbled leather seat. She closed the door on me and got in the front, leaving me puzzling over her seeming irritation at my being afraid of the wrong things. She clearly hadn’t been stuck in a cage for almost a year being experimented on.
“It’s not like I’m looking forward to tonight’s fight. It’s just that Celeste is such an excellent opponent, and I haven’t been truly challenged in such a long time. I learn something every night from her, because she is a master at mixed martial and probably everything else. How can I not appreciate the opportunity, even if I do get beat badly?”
She didn’t answer me, didn’t look at me, and I felt a twinge of worry for her before I nodded off, not waking up until we reached the gorgeous mansion on the opposite side of the coffee shop in the block that he called the compound.
That time, I noticed more of the décor, the beautiful art on the walls, the delicate antique weapons, and the armor, so many different styles, countries, and all beautifully preserved behind glass cases.
“Is this a museum?” I asked.
“It is Benton’s personal collection,” she said stiffly, not looking at me, the same way she’d been not looking at me since the time she scared me to death.
“Are you okay? You seem weird.”
“Worry about yourself.”
I sighed, and that hurt, so I kept the sighing internal and focused on my big fight. I half expected a random assignment involving pix or vampires, but it was very straightforward: go in the cage, try to survive Celeste. She was so good, and I was in such bad shape. Still, it was exciting to have such a talented opponent, and it felt like she was demonstrating to me moves that I learned through pain, which had always been my most effective method of training.
As the moon set, Celeste crouched over me while I lay there against the bars, breathing shallowly, trying to memorize a particular sequence of strikes and throws that had absolutely destroyed me.
“Are you dead?”
I smiled at her. “Definitely. You are so talented at so many styles, so precise in the force that you use. Anyone else would have killed me.”
She glanced out of the bars where Jane was standing, holding my robe. “Not anyone. I’m going to kick you, break a few ribs, and then it’ll be over.”
“Okay?”
Why would she tell me before she—Ow. Gurgle. Coughing up blood. Crap, I felt lousy for the next twenty hours until another moonrise came, and another round with Celeste. That time, I managed to use the previous series of strikes, sending her back and doing more damage than usual before she rallied and took me out in her slow, methodical, agonizing way.
After I dragged myself out of the cage, I went as far as the edge of the platform before I collapsed. Five down, two to go.
“Are you going to stay there?” a perfectly unblemished Celeste asked with a toss of her hair after all the werewolves had cleared out, including Jane, which was new.
“Even your hair looks good after you fight. It’s ridiculous,” I muttered.
She frowned at me. “You’re still not moving.”
“Look, your fight was too brilliant for me to pretend not to have been destroyed by. It has been such an honor to fight you.”
She laughed, but it sounded slightly choked. “You must have been thoroughly abused as a child to be so insensitive to pain.”
“It wasn’t abuse, just training. Anyway, if there is no pain, there’s no growth. That was our dojo’s motto.”
“You were raised in a dojo?”
“My fourth foster home was with sensei. He usually only took boys, but he saw me hit another kid and spent a few minutes teaching me how to punch correctly, and then he took me home, which is where I met Daniel. That’s where I stayed until I was fourteen and put one of my foster siblings in the hospital.” I made a face and stirred on the mat, struggling to sit up. “They were all boys, and sometimes boy’s brains couldn’t keep up with the development of their testicles, at least that’s what sensei said when he kicked me out for almost killing Brian.”
She grabbed my hand—ow—and pulled me to a sitting position. “Your foster brother sexually assaulted you, and for that, you got sent away?”
“I almost killed him, as in he was in the intensive care at the hospital for a very long time. Sensei had a good point about the fact that he always had boys, only boys, and if the choice was to get rid of all of them or me, getting rid of me made the most sense. Also, he was absolutely correct about me having to learn to deal with unwanted advances without losing control, or I’d end up rotting in jail when I killed some drunk idiot who wanted to pinch me or poke me.”
“I would kill a man who touched me without my consent, verbal or not.”
“Me too, but I wouldn’t be able to get away with it, because I’m not that diabolical or clever. I’m more straightforward than that.”
“Was your fifth foster home terrible?”
I smiled at her. Ow. “I don’t remember much about it or the next few, but my last home was great. That’s where I learned that reading was something that you could do for fun. That’s where I met Gloria, Lucky, and a few other girls were who didn’t fit in anywhere else. Gloria’s aunt was a real fortune teller. At least it seemed like she could see through all the anger and fear to your real potential underneath it all.” I patted her hand and then pushed myself slowly to sitting, leaning back on one arm, because the left was badly sprained. “Only two more nights. This is so much better than hunting pix. I will kind of miss it. You really are so talented. Do you think that you would ever work with me some time after this?”
She sat down next to me and gazed up at the dark sky, the stars invisible from the surrounding light pollution. “You are a very difficult opponent, because you smile when I hit you. You shouldn’t smile when you are so delicate, so breakable.”
“You’ve only cracked me, which is also completely brilliant considering the possible damage that you could do to me.”
“Stop!” she growled, baring her teeth at me.
“What? Why?”
“It gives me no pleasure to break weak things, but this, you thanking me for it, makes it that much harder.”
“I don’t want you to think that I have any hard feelings. You aren’t breaking me. I’m fine.”
“When you were kept in a cage, you were fine then, too?”
I jerked away from her—ow—but it seemed like she should understand better, because she had been honest with me. “I wasn’t fine, but I wasn’t broken. For almost a year, I was beaten, starved, humiliated, but not broken. I wouldn’t let them break me, like I won’t let you break me, so you don’t have to worry.” I smiled at her and patted her shoulder. She only stared at me with dawning horror in her eyes.
“You will die.”
“I only have two more nights. Do you think that there’s some carrot cake in the coffee shop? I would kill for some carrot cake.”
“I believe he’s been making beef stew all day, several kinds as he tries to find the optimal recipe. He cooks when he’s stressed.”
I leaned towards her, less loopy at the thought of him, worried. “Is it Sam? Is something wrong with her? I didn’t see her yesterday, because I just slept through the whole day. I should have checked before moonrise, but?—”
“Your daughter is fine. Benton has greater concerns than the simple things that you understand.”
“Oh, pack territory stuff? Is there war on the horizon?”
She stood and brushed off her pants and walked off, leaving me there on the platform all by myself. Oh well. It wasn’t terribly uncomfortable on the mat, and I could use a nap before I tried to move.
I woke up to Danny hauling me off the edge of the stage and into his arms. “Oof! If you’re going to let them hurt you so bad that you can’t walk, you should probably lose some weight so you’re easier to haul around.”
“Funny, funny Daniel. Or you could put on some more muscle so I’m easier to haul around, or better yet, you can leave the hauling around to the werewolves. Have you seen Joe lately? Not that I care about him.”
He snorted and squeezed my cracked ribs too tight, so I started coughing up blood. That had him putting me on the ground, running his hands over my body in a way that would have been professional if he’d ever trained as a nurse.
“You should train as a nurse. You could be a sexy nurse and make more money than waving your sexy knife hands around.”
“You’ve said sexy twice. I’m calling an ambulance.”
“There’s a hospital two doors down.”
“I don’t have a stretcher, and I’m not leaving you to get one.”
I patted his cheek. “So sweet. And weird. Why are you here again?”
“Why did you take over the studio when I broke my ankle? Why did you let me move in when I couldn’t handle staying above the studio on my own? Why did you pay the studio’s rent five times in the last five years? You and me are more than married. In fact, if you wanted to get married for real, and you weren’t secretly married to someone else, I’d jump on board that bus with both feet.”
“Sam is glad that we’re not romantic.”
“Who said anything about romance? Marriage is about way more than that. It’s about teamwork, and not letting one person get beat up while you stand there looking stupid. You need to ask me to take your place tomorrow night. You aren’t up for it, literally, because you aren’t standing up, and you aren’t going to be standing up, even if I have to break your legs. I wasn’t going to say anything, because I know you’re tough, like we were all raised to be tough, but you were always even more hard, because you had to deal with the rep of being a girl, but enough is enough. This is going to kill you. Two more nights of punctured lungs and coughing up blood? No. I’m taking your place.”
“But you’ll ruin your pretty face.”
“Don’t care.”
I closed my eyes and let the world spin around me at a distance. “I don’t think he’ll allow that. He wants me to take my punishment.”
“He? Coffee Joe of the Benton Beard?” He snorted loudly. “The only thing he wants to take, is you. I saw the way that he was feeding you ice cream the other day.”
“Strawberry sorbet.”
“Whatever. I see the way he looks at you when you walk into the cafeteria. I see the way he isn’t here to watch you get the snot kicked out of you. What he wants is you tucked in his bed where he can feed you gruel and rub your toes. He wants me to suffer much more than you. I’ve known more than my share of jealous males, and he reeks of it every time I touch you. Makes me self-conscious about it, like it means something to scrub your head or something.”
“Weren’t you just telling me that you want to marry me?”
“Pshaw. I’m saying that we’re already more married than most married people, and that I’d be willing to make it work if you felt like marriage would be good for you or Sam or something. I’m also saying that I’m taking your place tomorrow night. Nonnegotiable.”
I struggled up, but he put his hand on my breastbone, pinning me in place. “Sammy’s doing better, right?”
“Yeah, and she’ll be even better if her mom isn’t getting turned into sawdust.”
“I’m not made out of wood. I’m fine.”
“Like Pinnocchio, lying all over the place, looking for a fairy to save you. Well, look no further, your secret ninja is here to save the day. I can grow a beard, you know. I’ve never given it effort, like Cuppa Joe, but I can do it if necessary.”
“When would growing a beard possibly be necessary? I’m fine. Could you let go of me so that I can get up?”
“The thing about you is you could keep talking like it was all good after you had all your limbs cut off. Do you remember Brian?”
“I don’t want to talk about Brian.”
“Exactly, or the way he jumped you and broke your arm and your leg, and the whole time you were yelling insults at him, egging him on so that he didn’t realize how much damage he’d done until sensei came? Your mouth, your mind, they aren’t connected to the sack of broken blood vessels and shattered nerves that make up your precious body. You are a mess. You are in worse shape than I’ve ever seen someone who didn’t have permanent damage. Listen to me, Honey. Beardly isn’t going to stop taking care of Sam just because you object to this farce of fighting. You can’t win against them, not when they heal like that, not when they’re stronger, tougher, and better trained. You’d have to kill them in the first five minutes, but without serious firepower, it’s not going to happen.”
“You make me sound so pathetic.”
“Honey, sweetheart, I’m seriously terrified that I’m going to lose you. Before you came with your secret pregnancy, I was alone, miserable, purposeless, without anyone to teach me that there was something more important than the here and now, and I’m not going to lose you. I am capable of holding my own in a ring as well as you can.”
“I’m a better fighter.”
“I’m stronger and bigger.”
“I’m faster and have better technique.”
“Not in your current shape. Stand down, buttercup, or I’ll tie you up. Let me take some hits for you, please? Pretty please with sugar and melted marshmallows on top?” He gently brushed my forehead, one of the few places on my body that didn’t hurt to the touch.
“No.” Jane’s voice was hard, firm, like death. “She accepted the challenge and must finish it. Celeste was too clumsy with her tonight, but there won’t be the same mistake tomorrow. Your words are pretty, Ninja Boy, but this battle is Honey’s.”
He smiled at her, a hard bitter smile that made me want to give him a puppy. “And if I kidnap her?”
“You’ll take the child with you and be responsible for her health, or lack thereof, unless you’re suggesting the abandonment of the child. It is possible that the pack would take in an abandoned cub, but neither of you would see her again. You worry too much, Pretty Ninja. She will not die in the cage.”
“I’m already wondering if it’s possible for her not to have permanent damage after what’s been done to her. She can’t fight until she’s recovered. I know that as well as she does. You can’t push her that hard without breaking her.”
I cupped his face until he looked down at me, dark hair falling down over his worried eyes. “I love you almost as much as I love Sammy. We are family. It’s true that I might not make it, but the same is true of every fight, every spar, because what we do is risky. But fighting for Sammy is a worthy cause, and that’s the main thing that gives life purpose. That’s everything.”
He bent down and pressed a hard kiss to my forehead. “I love you too, you miserable sand gnat, although I take back the marriage proposal.”
“Is that what that was? You only offered because I was already married.”
“Good thing, because he’ll have to foot the funeral expenses. Do you have any idea how expensive plots are these days? It’s insane. If it were up to me, I’d just have you cremated.”
“Oooh, burn.” I grinned at him, and he smiled back, but his eyes were still dark with worry. “Do you think that you could find some stew while Jane helps me to bed? Or I could just stay here until tomorrow night.”
“Sure. I’ll find you some beard brew while the happy hunter drags you to her cave to gnaw on what’s left of you.”
“You make her sound so appetizing,” Jane said, picking me up and carrying me away.
Once I was away from Danny, the world faded out into dreams of eating the most delicious stew in the world, with Joe’s soft eyes on me, his soft voice murmuring words, like he’d done so long ago when he read big old books that I didn’t understand. I felt warm, comfortable, content, like dreams never made you feel.