0112
Neah
"Breathe." Raven mutters
"I'm not dead am I" I snap "So I'm obviously breathing!" I stop in my tracks, realising how much of an ass I sounded.
Looking over my shoulder, I see the hurt in her eyes. She was just trying to help.
The darkness had a grip so tight on my heart that it was making it hard to think about those around me, unless it was my sons.
"I'm sorry." I mutter. Hoping she knew that I did truly mean my apology
"It's happening isn't it? You are slipping."
"I... I'm trying not to."
My eyes drift down to my fingers as I carefully feel over the tips. The growing claws had felt so bad and so good at the same time. Like a release of built up pressure. Is that how Salem felt?
"You need to talk about it. Remember what Mallory said, you need to look at the bigger picture to see that there is more than what is happening in the moment. To make it all make sense."
I roll my eyes. Mallory and her theories. Though I have to admit, they were helping a little, even if I still didn't trust her.
"So tell me again what miss lookalike said."
"Raven...."
She cocks a brow and folds her arms. "She told me we share the same father." I repeat again.
"But you don't believe that?"
"I believed Devon more than her. And look how that ended."
"Bigger picture." She mutters
"No, I don't believe it. I couldn't feel her, I couldn't sense her other than knowing what she is. It's hard to explain."
"Try." She smiles at me
"With Jess, I could feel her presence. The same with Damien and.... Mallory. With the other bitten ones. I could feel their fear when they realised they couldn't fight me and my orders. There was even a tiny bit of recognition from Salem, but her, there is nothing. She looked at me with those big brown puppy eyes but do you know what she reminded me of?"
Raven shakes her head. "The way Trey used to look at me. It wasn't even hate, it was more than that. It was like I was something he stood in and scraped off on the grass. And that's exactly what I felt when she looked at me." "What about your parents, what did she say?"
"She said something about our father choosing my mother over hers when he discovered he was mated. But it makes no sense as the one thing I do remember from my early years is that they loved each other so much." "Like how Dane loves you?"
"More." I mutter. I couldn't describe it. I just remember the feeling. Or maybe it was because I was a kid and I was seeing what I wanted to see
"So she's older than you, but you are the Alpha?"
I nod, "I don't think she is much older. Dane thinks the Alpha blood comes through on my mothers side. But they didn't care enough to tell me that before they died. Before I was set up." I hear the spite in my words and close my eyes, taking in a deep breath.
'We were set up.' Nyx adds quietly.
She still wasn't sure what to think of this Blair woman either and I was glad she was keeping her thoughts to herself.
"Why did you start shifting?" Raven presses as she pulls her hair up into a bun.
She was trying to make the conversation as casual as if we were talking about movies.
But I was starting to see that she was testing me.
Trying to find a trigger point.
"I didn't know, not straight away. Dane was aware of it before I was."
The claws had retracted the moment she walked away.
Dane had made Klaus follow her.
And then informed everyone that if I turn up at the gates or anywhere along the boundary line, to check the eyes.
If they were anything other than blue, they had to call him in.
"Raven, what if I'm supposed to let this darkness take over me?"
Her dark eyes are wide as she thinks of an answer, but all she could come up with is 'I don't believe that.'
"Damien came back from that place." She adds with a small smile. I knew she secretly worried about him slipping back, every single day. Even when she didn't talk about it, I knew because Damien would appear a few minutes later. Enveloping her in his arms without saying a single word.
"But the others didn't." I wasn't trying to find a reason to turn, but to understand that it could be my future. I would rather be prepared.
She puffs out her cheeks, she doesn't have an answer and I turn the conversation back to what happened with Blair.
"I think it's because she mentioned the twins. I think that's what prompted the shifting."
"Nyx?"
'Not me.' Nyx murmurs. 'It was all you.'
I shake my head and slump into the large armchair.
"Ah, so you went mama Lycan on her."
That is a horrible term. "I probably would have killed her if Dane hadn't stopped me."
"And he stopped you because he is trying to protect you. I still don't understand the purpose of her visit." Raven scrunches up her face. "She came alone. She told you she hasn't seen my brother in months." "Dane doesn't believe that?"
She cocks her brow. "He doesn't?"
Shaking my head, I sigh, I wasn't supposed to tell her that. "He is certain he could smell him on her." Again, I had been too caught up in the ever seeping darkness to take notice of anything but my apparent half sister. The world could have been imploding around me and I would have been oblivious.
She pauses to let my words sink in and then carries on as though I never mentioned him.
"Just turning up to tell you your father allegedly had an affair, I call bullshit. Damien saw her like six months ago. She was in the city. It wouldn't have been hard to find our location, even if my dipshit brother is helping her. So why has she waited all this time?"
"Your guess is as good as mine."
*****
Dorothy is playing peek-a-boo with the boys. Their giggles turn into hysterical laughter as she pops up from under their high chairs. She had this amazing way with them and loved to make them laugh. Damien said she had a need to feel wanted. Something I understood too well.
She never talked about what happened to her to anyone other than Damien. If someone walked in when she was mid chatting, she would stop immediately. I was happy that she had a safe person.
There were times where I wondered if I would have turned out like her if I had been saved after my parents death rather than being forced into hell until I met Dane.
"Dottie." Damien mutters. "Please eat your breakfast."
"I'm just playing Daddy."
"You can play as much as you want when you have eaten."
She continues to pull faces at the twins as she settles on a chair at the table.
"How are you?" Damien asks while putting pancakes on Dorothy's plate.
I nod, because if I let out how I really feel, I was scared that there would be no coming back.
When breakfast is done, Raven takes the kids to go get cleaned up and dressed for the day.
I sit there, watching Damien move around the kitchen clearing up. "How did it feel?"
He pauses and slowly turns back to me. "I'm assuming you are asking me what it felt like to become Rogue."
My shoulders drop as I nod my head. He puts down his plates and sits back at the table opposite me. A crease forms between his brows.
"At first it felt right."
I snort. That was the last thing I thought he would say.
"I'm going to tell you how it is, Neah. There is no point in lying. You talk about the darkness and that's exactly what happens. It creeps in, sticking to your insides like a cancer without you knowing. There will be little flashes of it and it's always there, tightly coiling around your insides until there is no goodness left."
He leans forward to grab the juice and pours himself another glass. I'm sure right now, with this conversation, he would prefer something much stronger.
"Decisions will become darker and you won't realise until it's too late. When it finally happens, you feel free. Everything becomes easier. Life makes more sense."
"But eventually, you end up trapped. A vicious cycle, destined to achieve one goal. That life that was once freeing becomes the very bane of your existence. You have to fight it, Neah. You have to be the Alpha you are supposed to be and you can't do that if you become a Rogue." "Do you think my past has led to this?"
"Likely, yes. There is something inside of you that looks for freedom and you feel as though you are yet to find it. You need to look around you Neah. Everyone here cares about you. No one here wants to harm you. You are not beaten, you are not starved. You have a mate that adores you. You have everything going for you. Do not let one scorned woman tear you down from who you are supposed to be."
"It doesn't stop."
"It will never stop." He frowns "The darkness will always be there. It will never fade. You need to learn to channel it. But don't let it become you."
"You still fight it, even now?"
"I will for the rest of my life." He smiles, his eyes lighting up.
"Raven helps, but she doesn't know how much. She's a beacon of light in the darkness and when I feel the darkness slipping. I seek her out. Mallory and I can help you as much as we can, but until you find your own light, it will be a battle."
The question burns and I should force it down, but it tumbles from my mouth as though it needed to be heard. "What if I can't? What if... What if this is too deeply embedded inside of me?" "Do you really believe that?"