Chapter 36
THIRTY-SIX
ANNIKA
I decide the last song is when I’m going to do it.
I’m going to make a move. Chloe told me before I left to feel it out and let my gut take the lead.
I want to try. I want to show him that I want to try.
If I don’t try now, I’m not sure if I’ll get this courage again.
I want to do it for real. No second-guessing, no overthinking.
I’ve loved him since I was nine years old, and just being his friend these past few months only made me fall in love with him again.
The band finishes the song they are on, and the venue goes dark while the crowd shouts, “Encore, Encore,” until the band runs out on stage again.
Okay, this is it.
The band starts singing the song. One of the most popular songs on their album.
The crowd starts bopping around the most they have the whole concert, including me and Reid.
I take a deep breath and slip my hand behind Reid’s back.
His body is warm and hard. I feel like my whole body—my whole world is shaking.
I’ve never made a move like this on anyone before.
Anyone that mattered. I could collapse down the aisles of people right now.
I can barely control my legs. With my hand on his back, I stand up on my tip-toes and reach up to kiss Reid on the cheek.
He flips his head over to me, and I just go for it.
I lean in to meet his lips, closing my eyes and breathing in.
But I’m left in the air. I open my eyes and see Reid pulling his head back, shock on his face, and I realize I’ve made a terrible mistake.
Time starts moving in slow motion. My heart drops out of my butt.
I wish I could form wings and fly out of the venue.
I wish I could crumble into ash and be swept away by the cleaning crew.
I wish I had never done any of this. What have I done?
Chloe was right. I shouldn’t have done anything.
I should have ignored my stupid feelings.
I should have taken that shirtless guy’s number.
I ruined my friendship. My heart. It feels emptier than before. Great, now we have to move again.
Reid stands frozen in time while everyone around him jumps to the music.
“I’m sorry!” I blurt out, but the music is too loud. We stop dancing, and he leans closer to me. I almost think he’s going to kiss me back until he says,
“We are so good as friends, I—”
“No, no, you’re right. I’m sorry. I read the situation wrong. We are friends. And I’m…” I realize my vision is blurring, and I can’t be in this room anymore. I feel like everyone is closing in on me. I need to leave.
I break away from Reid and head toward the exit. I don’t stop running until I hit fresh air. A slap in the face, it feels like, as I burst through the exit doors. I’m not alone. Reid is right behind me. Of course he is.
I wipe away my tears quickly, hoping he doesn’t see, then plaster a smile back on my face. “Seriously, it’s okay. I think I just had too much to drink. I’m going to be so embarrassed tomorrow.” I try to laugh it off. “We should head out to beat the rush.”
Reid doesn’t say anything. He’s just looking at me with his eyebrows scrunched and the corners of his mouth turned down.
I wish I could read his mind and figure out if I’ve devastated everything.
I hope I can recover our friendship after this, although I don’t know if I’ll be able to recover.
How can I ruin a relationship with a person so horribly, multiple times in my life?
I wouldn’t be surprised if he never wants to see me again.
I know one thing, I’m never going to try ever again.
We drive back to Auburn Hills in silence.
I turn my body as close as possible to the passenger door, away from Reid.
I can’t face him. I actually think I might have had too many beers, too, because it feels like bees are buzzing around my skull.
He still hasn’t said anything to me, and I don’t expect him to.
I expect him to drop me off and never see me again.
The shame and embarrassment crawls around me, and I close my eyes, hoping the drive goes faster.
I want to be at home already with Chloe.
I want to take back this whole situation.
I want to beg Chloe to come with us. I don’t want to lose my friend in Reid.
We finally make it back, and he pulls in front of my house. Before he can say anything, I fly open the door without a word and run inside.
I close the front door and lean against the other side.
Chloe is on the couch with Dandy watching TV, and she knows as soon as she sees me.
I can’t hold it in anymore. A sob breaks out of my chest, and I slide down the door, cradling into a ball.
I can’t feel anything. I thought I was doing what I wanted, and he didn’t feel the same way anymore.
I suppose it’s karma. How can you not feel the same way I feel about you?
His words from six years ago replay in my head.
Chloe wraps her arms around me as my sobs turn into soft cries.
She pulls me up into her arms and takes me to the bathroom, where she proceeds to remove my makeup and brush my hair out.
I manage to shower and put my pajamas on, but I don’t know if I can sleep.
I keep replaying the events in my head and their alternate endings.
I’ve fucked things up once again. Can I ever get anything right? Can I ever get the timing right?