Chapter 39
THIRTY-NINE
ANNIKA
Oregon beaches aren’t like SoCal beaches.
First of all, I didn’t realize the nearest beach was nearly three hours away, but I feel so numb from everything that has happened in the past day that the time went by fast enough.
Every time I stopped crying, I would remember the events of last night and get upset again.
It’s been a long time since my head felt this cloudy.
I hate feeling this way, and the only thing that made me feel better in the past was going to the beach and stepping into the ocean.
I missed hearing the waves crash and the sand in my toes.
So this morning, Chloe helped me find a beach I could drive to.
She wanted to come with me, but I protested that I needed to do this alone.
She understood but made me promise to text her when I arrived.
I pull up to the parking lot and text her before sticking my phone in the side compartment of my car door. I don’t want to be distracted. I just want it to be me and the beach. Reid’s been trying to reach out, but I can’t talk to him yet. I need to clear my head.
The sun is fighting through the cloud cover, warming up pockets of the air.
There’s the softest breeze. I grab the sweater that I brought from the back seat and wrap myself in it.
The clouds keep covering the sun, but each time, it pushes through again, warming my skin as I make my way to the trail that heads to the beach.
Little did I know that there’d be a half-mile hike through sloping sand dunes until I reached the beach.
I expected to see the ocean open up from the parking lot, just like the beaches back home, but the blue waters are hidden.
So I make the trek through the hills. After a little bit, I take off my sandals when the sand gets too soft, and I’m sweating by the time I reach the beach, regretting putting on this extra layer.
As soon as I get to the top of the last dune, I’m finally reunited with the Pacific Ocean.
The sand stretches out so far, and the water just skims on top of it.
I slide down the soft sand until I’m met with the beach.
I trek through, trying to avoid any seaweed or driftwood, and leave my sandals about halfway as I wander over to the water.
It’s early morning, so there aren’t too many people here.
I see a man playing fetch with his Labrador down a far way, but it’s mostly just me and the beach, just the way I wanted.
I walk out, and the sand squishes under my feet as the tide gently rolls in and out.
The sand is a bit rockier, and the water is freezing but feels nice after the hike from the parking lot.
I walk out for what feels like a full minute until my legs are ankle-deep in the water. I close my eyes and breathe.
At first, I don’t think about anything. I just breathe and listen to the sounds of the sea.
I hear some birds fluttering around behind me.
The soft tide flows in, tickling my legs.
I hear the grass on the dunes swaying in the breeze.
There’s a lone bark from the Labrador in the distance.
I take a deep breath as the tide flows back to the ocean and finally feel relaxed and at peace.
I let the calmness wash over me, trying to empty my brain.
But something keeps trying to push its way in.
A dark cloud forms inside my head, and I’m sick to my stomach with shame again.
It can’t be a coincidence that I’ve made my way up here, up to Reid again.
I don’t really believe in coincidences, anyway.
I think this is how our paths link up. We keep winding around each other throughout our lives.
I can’t help but feel like we are at a crossroads.
Either stay in each other’s lives or part completely forever.
I know, deep in my gut, I believe I did the right thing by making a move again. So why does it hurt so bad?
Maybe we were destined to just be friends.
Though, I don’t know if we can. But I can’t keep running away.
I love my life here. Everything about it makes my soul sing.
I ran away from my life in San Diego. It feels easy to want to run away from here.
I don’t want to face him again, not when I know I won’t be able to be his friend.
I can’t do it. I can’t keep pretending to live a life that isn’t mine. I want to be more than his friend.
I’m just not meant to find love. I keep messing things up.
It’s been a few minutes, and I’ve just been swaying gently with the breeze, ruminating these thoughts around my head.
I think I’ll go back to Ojai for a little bit.
I miss my little brothers and my parents.
The distance might help Reid and me cool off a bit.
Then, maybe, we can try to be friends again, after some time apart.
Although I don’t think it’s possible, I don’t know what will happen to us.
I have Chloe. I have my family. That’s all I need.
I’ll figure out how to fill the emptiness later.
My feet are blue. The water in Oregon is much colder than the water in SoCal.
I turn and start my walk back to my sandals in the middle of the beach.
There are some sand dollars scattered about, and I think about collecting one for Chloe, except something catches my eye.
A runner is jogging up the dune and starts to slide down the hill.