Chapter 33 Sebastian
Chapter thirty-three
Sebastian
Istill can't believe what Daddy is saying.
There's no deception in his eyes. All I see is sincerity, but part of me still doubts.
Daddy is a good man.
I am not.
He has morals, boundaries, and beliefs about what's right and wrong.
I don't.
So how is it possible for him to accept me?
"Let's talk, boy. I think you'll believe me after we have a discussion."
I nod and move to sit next to Daddy. I don't think I can handle sitting in his lap and talking. I feel raw around the edges, on the brink of falling apart again.
"Where do you want to start? I'll be honest, I promise."
"I believe you." Daddy takes my hand in his as I sit cross-legged, facing him. "You mentioned the mafia. Are you involved with the mafia?"
He looks worried.
I want to be a good boy and keep my promise, even if it reveals that I'm far from a good boy. Very far.
"I'm not involved with the mafia." Daddy's shoulders relax, but it doesn't last long. "I'm an assassin."
His eyes widen, and he parts his lips to speak, but no words come out. I bite my lip nervously as I wait. Even though he said he wouldn't leave, part of me still expects to see disgust in his eyes, to see him push me away and never want to look at me again.
"You… you're an assassin?"
"I am," I say with fake confidence. "I take on ordered hits, but I always make sure the people deserve it. Sometimes I also kill without being paid."
I had two situations like this. One was a man in an abusive relationship. He didn't have the money to pay me, but I did it anyway. The second situation… I prefer not to think about it.
Daddy blinks at me, once again lost for words.
I get it. No one would believe I kill people. My frame is small, and I'm usually a bright, happy boy. Well, when I'm not having one of my episodes. And when I'm close to my Daddy. I'm always happy then.
"How? But you… How?"
"That's a long story. But first, I want to ask you something."
"Okay."
"Do you still want to be with me?" The words come out in a whisper. I'm too afraid of the answer.
Daddy smiles at me, and my eyes mist over. I didn't think I'd see that smile directed at me ever again.
"I do. I told you, Sebastian, you're mine. You're my Sebastian, my boy, and now my murderous little, too."
"Murderous little. I like that."
He smiles again, and I hate that we have to continue this conversation, because I know where it's heading. But first…
"How did you found me last night? Did you follow me?" I don't let him answer before saying, "No, it can't be. I would have known if I was being followed."
"I received a message."
I still.
Grinding my teeth, I try to stop myself from snapping or going on a killing spree. The number of people who could've sent my Daddy a message with my location… I can count them on one hand. Whoever they are, they'll pay.
"Can I see the message?"
Daddy retrieves his phone from the bedroom and hands it to me. I'm seething as I read the texts.
"I'll fucking stab him twice!" I explode.
"Who? Hey, what's going on?" Daddy asks, watching me get angrier by the second.
"My father! This is the second time he's pulled something like this. I swear, I'll fucking stab him."
"Your father? These messages were sent by your father?"
"Yes."
"It was him last night."
"What?"
"A man showed up and said he'd take care of the body. His voice sounded familiar, but I didn't recognize it."
"At least he did one good thing," I murmur. Maybe I'll stab him only once after all.
Daddy looks at me with a strange expression, like I've lost my mind. Oh, he doesn't know.
"My dad taught me everything I need to know," I say proudly.
"Your dad turned you into an assassin?" Daddy sounds horrified.
I mean, from a normal human point of view, I guess it would seem scary. Maybe. I'm not sure.
"He did it because I asked," I say in a much smaller voice now.
I hate the uncertainty. It feels like one wrong word will send my Daddy running for the hills. Or to the police.
Daddy takes a few deep breaths, composing himself.
"Can you tell me how that happened?"
I bite my lip hard. I need the physical pain. Otherwise, the mental images running through my head will make me spiral.
"Hey, don't bite these lips," Daddy tugs gently on my abused lip, and I lick his finger playfully.
"These lips are mine. Don't hurt them."
"What if I want the pain?" I challenge.
Daddy's eyes darken, and he pulls me into his lap. He claims my lips, biting and then soothing the sting with his tongue.
"Your pain is only mine to inflict," Daddy says, voice heated. "No one else is allowed to hurt you. Not even you."
I'm sure I have literal hearts in my eyes.
"Do you understand me, boy?"
"Yes, Daddy."
"Good. Now let's continue, but I want you to stay in my lap. Focus on how my hands feel around you, how you're sitting on my lap, and every place we're touching."
"That'll make some things very… hard."
Daddy smirks. "As long as you stay here with me and not drift away into your mind, to a place I can't reach you."
It hits me why Daddy wants us to continue to speak like this. He wants to hear the truth, but he doesn't want me drowning in my past. He's giving me a safe space to tell my story.
I love this man so much it feels like my heart will burst.
But then my mind really does drift to what I have to say next, and the warmth fades, replaced by a familiar coldness.
I look at Daddy's throat. For some reason, I can't meet his eyes as I speak.
"I was eleven years old when it happened."
Flashes of brutal hands play before my eyes, and I flinch.
Grinding my teeth, I decide to barrel through the story. I've never spoken about this. Not even my father knows all the details. No one does. And I thought that's how I wanted it. Until now.
"Aziel's father came back home. Up until then, I'd never seen him. I thought he was my dad too, so I was very happy."
I remember the eagerness with which I followed him around, the pure hero worship shining in my eyes.
"Aziel's father was an adventurer, at least that's how our mother portrayed him. When he saw Aziel, they hugged, and Az cried. They looked so happy, and I couldn't wait to get my first hug from my father."
I guess I stayed silent for too long because Daddy says, "It never happened?"
"No. It did not. One look at me, and Aziel's father exploded. He had a screaming match with our mother, and Az and I were sent to our rooms. Az blamed me for making his father angry."
It was the first night Az and I fought. It was the beginning of our ending.
"Several days passed, and things were still tense in the house. Aziel's dad wouldn't even look at me. Well, he did from time to time, just to snap at me."
I couldn't understand what I was doing wrong, why there was something wrong with me for my father to act like this.
"Then one day, my mom and Az left for a vacation."
"A vacation? Just the two of them?" Daddy asks, his tone edged with trepidation.
"Yes. The trip was a gift from Aziel's father for my mom's birthday. I begged them to take me, but they refused. If anything, Aziel was angry with me because I got to spend the week with his dad."
I grind my teeth, bracing myself for the next part.
It has been a long time. I was a kid then. I couldn't protect myself, and I don't blame myself for it. Now I'm an adult. An assassin. Yet remembering makes me feel just as defenseless and powerless, as if I'm back in that place.
"Long story short, Aziel's father locked me in the basement. He beat the crap out of me and tortured me. He also revealed I wasn't his son, that I'm some bastard's son. By the time Aziel and my mom returned, I was nearly dead."
I can tell by my cold, distant tone that I'm dissociating. Good.
"He broke many bones. Whipped me with his belt. Made me piss and shit in that basement. Forced my face underwater just for the fun of it. Gave me almost no food besides a piece of bread once a day. And made sure to deliver poisonous words with every hit."
I was so focused on the past that I didn't realize Daddy was shaking beneath me.
I look up and see his eyes – full of hatred and fury. I've never seen him like this. His whole body is coiled tight, and his hands are gripping my hips painfully.
"Daddy?"
"I'll kill him. I promise you. I'll fucking kill him."
I smile, because that's one of the most romantic things I've ever heard.
"You don't need to do that. My dad already killed him."
"Good. I hope he made him suffer."
"I'm not sure. I never asked."
Daddy wraps me in his arms and holds me close, his hand running over my hair, then my back, as if to reassure himself that I'm whole.
Physically, I am. But mentally, I'll never be.
That night changed me forever.
There's no going back from it.
But at least I took the darkness and forged myself into a weapon – a weapon that destroys rotten people and is strong enough at protecting my Daddy. That's what matters.
"I didn't let what happened destroy me," I say aloud.
"No, you didn't. And I wish you never had to go through it, but I'm proud of you for surviving. Thank you for telling me."
"It's not the end of the story."
Daddy braces and nods at me. He admires how strong I am, but he's strong too. No ordinary person could stomach what I'm sharing right now.
"My mom and Aziel found me. I don't remember getting to the hospital, but I remember when I woke up."
"They called the police. You must've been terrified, waking up and having to testify."
I shake my head. "That's not what happened. Aziel and my mom begged me not to say anything. Aziel claimed his father made a mistake and that he regrets it. My mom said he's a good man who just sometimes has bad moments."
"What?" The shock in Daddy's voice is almost too much to bear.
"I agreed because I was too messed up and didn't want to lose my family. I also lied that I didn't remember what happened. But I guess, in the end, I did lose them that night. All because they chose the man who tortured and almost killed their son and brother."
Daddy shakes his head like he can't believe it.
Like he can't believe Aziel could do that.
Looking back, I can maybe understand. He was a kid too.
I was eleven, he was fifteen. But what I can never excuse is how he kept talking about his father like he was the greatest man alive. An adventure, he used to say.
"Wait," Daddy says, voice hoarse. "When we were nineteen, Aziel said his father was coming home and that he'd introduce me to him. I never saw him, but Aziel did."
My Daddy's eyes beg me to tell him it isn't true – that Aziel didn't meet with his father after what he did to me. I hadn't planned on telling him this, but now I have to.
"He did meet with him. That's how my dad found Aziel's father. He was very good at hiding his tracks because he was involved in shady things. You never met him because my dad kidnapped him."
Daddy stares at me, speechless. I am too.
My dad promised he'd make him pay, and I believed him. He delivered. I'll forever be grateful to him for that. He got rid of my greatest nightmare – the man who changed me forever.
I bury my head in Daddy's neck and let him hold me. I don't need words. I just need him to keep me from shattering. That's enough for me.