33. Chapter Thirty-Three
Chapter Thirty-Three
E mma
I hear waves crashing all around me, even though a second ago it was only the gentle lapping of the lake in the distance. My breath hitches in my throat, and I struggle to get it going again. Physically, I can feel a breeze at the tips of my fingers, but at the same time it's like all the air stopped and I can’t drag in anymore because the atmosphere is suddenly leaden.
That carefully tousled blond hair...that lean back covered with that cream cashmere sweater…I recognize it.
"Emma." I hear Declan’s concerned voice, but it feels like it’s coming from far away. "Emma, what’s wrong?"
I shake my head. I can’t answer, because suddenly my brain is flooded with all the images of when I last saw that shirt, all the horrible memories I’ve tried so hard to keep suppressed. And now the sweater is turning around, and the blonde hair is giving way to a face that has haunted me in both dreams and nightmares.
"Xavier." The word leaves me breathless and time stops when he smiles, a smile so familiar and yet so achingly alien at the same time.
"Emma," he responds. There’s a single moment of tense silence that is instantly shattered when Remy starts barking his head off.
"Remy," I caution, but the fluffy terrier crouches threateningly with his shoulders around his head. His tail wags agitatedly, his entire body shaking as his jaws snap at Xavier. Xavier glances at the dog curiously and then his eyes instantly flicker to the spot next to me where Declan is standing. His smile falters.
That's when I take a moment to look at Declan’s face.
Now I understand Xavier's reaction.
Declan appears to match Remy's sentiment exactly, his eyes cold as he stares at Xavier.
"Who are you?" he asks.
Xavier recovers quickly and flashes Declan with his affable grin which has always managed to disarm even the toughest of hearts. "I’m Xavier Collins. I’m a friend of Emma’s. And you are?"
He holds his hand out for a handshake, but Declan ignores it.
He doesn’t answer Xavier’s question either. Instead, his eyes scan Xavier from head to toe and then he turns to me with an obvious question in his eyes.
Is that true? Is this guy a friend of yours?
I understand his confusion because I understand how odd it looks. Xavier and I don't seem like we would have much in common. Everything about him screams wealth and good breeding but not in the same way as it does with Declan.
While Declan gives off the hard-assed aura of a powerful, successful man, Xavier seems softer, like he's only wealthy because his parents are.
I swallow, feeling caught off guard by Declan's unspoken question. I don’t know how to respond. All I want to do right now is escape.
Maybe I can make a run for it, jump into the lake and just swim away.
"Emma," Xavier calls my name again and my head snaps toward him. "How have you been? It’s been so long."
I open my mouth to say something perfunctory, or to tell him I’ve been fine. Instead, what comes out is, "What are you doing here?"
My tone is hoarse. Perhaps it could be construed as hostile or simply shocked. But it's certainly not friendly.
Xavier's smile wavers just a little and I feel a chill in the atmosphere even when he shrugs affably. "I was in town."
"Why? You don’t know anyone here."
"Well, not in this town. I was in Bellamy," he remarks. "Remember I told you that my dad had family there?"
I almost remember him vaguely mentioning it, but I'm not sure. Every single memory I have of Xavier is now colored by what he did after our relationship.
"Anyway, I went to visit my Uncle, and since Lakewood is only a town over, I decided I might as well drop down and see you too." His smile turns wistful. "I’ve missed you, Emma.’
He takes a step toward me and two things happen at once. The first is that Declan visibly stiffens beside me, and what I think was a growl rumbles out his throat. The second is that Remy’s barks suddenly increase in intensity, and he charges, straining against his leash.
"Remy," I call out again loudly. "Calm."
The dog settles but visibly bristles at the sight of Xavier, who is eyeing the dog cautiously.
"This isn’t a good time, Xavier," I say.
"Yeah, I can see that." His eyes flicker from the dog to Declan, and then he jabs his thumb behind him at the house. "I peeped through the window and saw the mess. Are you redoing the house?"
I can’t tell if it’s a joke or if he’s mocking me. Right now, I’m too brain-shocked to figure it out.
"Something like that," I say and take Declan’s hand. It's instinctive but it's also designed to drive Xavier away as quickly as possible. I don't want him to think there's even a chance of me getting back together with him now that he's back.
Xavier's eyes travel to our joined hands and his face falls. "Oh."
Yeah. Oh.
Declan makes it even worse by dragging me closer and wrapping my hand around his waist, still staring Xavier down.
Xavier visibly pales but he recovers quickly, posting a wan smile on his face. "Well, I guess I’ll see you around then."
"I guess so," I respond.
He gives me a quick nod and then walks past me to get to his car. I stiffen when he gets close, as the scent of his cologne wafts around me. I once told him he smelled like a luxury handbag store, all leather, with a touch of sweet feminine fragrance. He took it as a compliment but I'm not sure I meant it as such.
I much prefer Declan's subtler sandalwood scent.
As Xavier gets into his car, he gives me a final tight smile and a wave before he drives off.
Only when his car is out of sight do I feel like I can breathe again. The thundering heartbeat in my ears diminishes as well.
"Who is that?" Declan asks as Remy finally drops his haunches and lays at my feet, panting. Then he aptly rolls over on his back. Evidently, he wants some reward for his excellent barking.
I squat to rub his belly, avoiding Declan’s eyes when I say, "Xavier is my ex-boyfriend."
"Ah," Declan answers, and I look up to find him staring. "Is that why you looked violently ill at the sight of him?"
I nod. "Things didn’t end well between the two of us. He kinda cheated on me."
Declan’s eyes darken with fury and I shrug. "Or I suppose it’s the other way round. He cheated on someone else with me. The entire time we dated, he had a steady girlfriend that he’d known for years. I was the other woman. Just a 'good time gal' for him."
"Fucking bastard." Declan’s tone sounds murderous, and I smile, feeling a little vindicated by his wrath. I wonder how he would react if I told him the story didn't end with cheating. In fact, cheating might have been the least egregious thing Xavier did to me.
But I don’t want anyone to know the rest. It’s too ridiculous to even think about.
No one would believe me anyway.
"Yeah," I respond. "Sorry, I used you to get rid of him."
He raises an eyebrow, and I gesture to his hand with my chin.
"The handholding."
"Oh, that’s what that was?" He smirks. "If I had known that was what you were doing, I would have given you a big fat kiss to turn it up a notch."
I giggle, my tension trickling away as Declan takes my arm and draws me to my feet.
"You can use me anytime you want, babe," he says.
My heart skips a beat at the term of endearment and the soft look in his eye. My pulse echoes in my throat, my heart melting. I can't look away no matter how many times I tell myself to do so. It's hard to fight against the emotional turmoil in my body. Because although I try to tell myself that Declan feels nothing for me, it’s hard to believe it when he says and does something like that.
Meanwhile, I know I’m on my way to falling in love with him. I recognize all the signs, and I would be deluding myself to say that I am not. And I didn't need Rachel's warnings to tell me that I was on the fast track to heartbreak either. Declan already let me know that he can never feel anything like that for me, no matter how much my heart wants to convince me that he could.
But there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it now. I can't let him go, not even for my own good.
I stare into his eyes and feel my heart aching with pain and love.
He reaches up and tenderly tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.
"Come on," he says. "I'll help you clean up."
But to be honest, we don't get much cleanup work done when we're here.
We climb up the stairs to the patio, the wooden floorboards thunking underneath our feet. I open the door, and stare at the chaos of the quiet home, once again taken aback by just how much destruction they caused.
At the same time, it still smells like home, remnants of hot chocolate and fish scales wafting through the air. Grandpa’s Chinaman’s hat is also still on the hook near his bedroom, untouched.
When we walk through the door, Remy immediately gets into a tizzy sniffing the air and straining against his leash.
I chuckle at him, "Wanna explore your new home, baby?"
Remy yips his answer, and when I let him go, he saunters over to the kitchen area. Out of the corner of my eyes, I notice Declan watching me.
"You know you don't have to leave the hotel if you don't want to, right?" he says suddenly. "You can stay for as long as you like."
The longer I stay with you the more I fall for you. I'm tempted to admit it to him, but I know what’s going to happen once I do–he’s going to run away, fast and far.
He's going to leave anyway.
By keeping my feelings a secret, I’m only delaying the inevitable. But still, I don’t want to lose him yet.
"I'll have to leave eventually," I say, and my voice is only a little above a whisper. "I might as well get used to it now. And besides, Grandpa is coming home soon. I have to get the house ready."
It's quiet as I turn away from him, avoiding his eyes and hoping we can drop the conversation there. It's making me emotional. So I try to keep busy to avoid talking about it more, by picking through the debris. I spot, at the corner of the fireplace, a picture of my parents with the frame broken. I pick it up and stare down at it.
A second later, I feel a presence at my back. "Who's that?"
I glance up to note Declan's eyes on the picture.
"My parents," I respond.
He's quiet for a few more seconds, and I can feel him weighing his next words before he says them. "Do you mind talking about what happened to them?"
I shake my head. "They died in a fire when I was young."
"God, that's terrible." His expression and his voice hold the appropriate amount of horror and then he adds, "Wait...that wouldn't be the hotel fire would it?"
Crap. Of course, he would put two and two together.
"Yeah," I admit. "It was."
"Jesus." He stares at me like I've lost my mind. "I'm so sorry. And here I have you helping me renovate the place. You should have told me to fuck right off, Emma."
"No, it's fine." I hold up my hands. "I don't mind."
"Of course you do. I mean how can you even stand to be around the place?"
"No, it's really fine. I don't know how to explain it but it's comforting being there." I shrug. "I don't know. They both worked there. And maybe I'm crazy, but it makes me feel a little closer to them."
He eyes me but rather than call me insane, understanding fills his gaze. He smiles softly. "You're not crazy. You're incredible."
And then he reaches down and kisses me.
I savor the sweetness of it as he picks me up in his arms, effortlessly as though I weigh nothing. He gently sips at my lips and I open up for him as he walks us back to the single couch that wasn't overturned.
I feel him reach down, clearing some debris, before he sits and arranges me in his lap. Then his hand goes behind my head, deepening the kiss, drowning me in the sensation.
This time, the lovemaking is slow and silent. The air is heavy with words unsaid, but we come together instinctively, neither of us needing to tell each other what we need.
It's like our mouths and our bodies are led to each other by fate, fused by a destiny neither of us knows yet.
And when we hit the bittersweet peak, I know one thing.
If my breakup with Xavier hurt, then the one with Declan just might destroy me.