Chapter Five
Damon.
My loves come back from their trip mere hours from the time I get home from my day at the office. Raven greets me first, pressing on her toes to reach up and kissing me lightly, then Maverick, while Jonas presses his lips to mine. “How was it?” I ask when little bird goes upstairs.
Jonas grins goofily. “I’m pretty sure I put twins in her.”
I huff out a laugh. “Be serious.”
“I am. Look, the game was good. We won, I think,” they did.
“We went sight-seeing, we had dates. It felt really good to be alone with her again. I think if we keep to some kind of schedule where we each get her for a day; we can make up for the days that we don’t really get to see her.
I didn’t realize how much I miss spending solo time with her until this trip, you know? ”
I rub my thumb over my bottom lip then down my jaw, crossing my arms over my chest. “You may actually have something there.” I acquiesce.
“I know. I think that’s what’s been missing, honestly.
Just one-on-one time with the other. I love the group stuff.
I love our family, but I think it could really help ground us all and remember why we love each other so much.
This life gets crazy. We all have so much going on and it’s only going to get more hectic once we have kids.
I love our life, but it’s better with all of us in it.
I don’t want to forget the little things and I don’t want them to pass me by, either. ”
“I think that’s a great idea,” Maverick agrees, stepping closer to us to greet Jonas with a hug. They have a bit of a big brother, little brother relationship. “How was Seattle?”
Jonas reiterates that he believes Raven is now carrying his twins, which makes Maverick frown.
We all know how much he desires to have children.
I don’t mind waiting. Raven is young and even though I'm now thirty-four, I also don’t mind waiting on children.
I love her. Whenever her body decides to gift us with children, I am fine with it.
It could be now or in ten years, and I will still be happy.
But Maverick, as always, is a different breed.
“Anyway,” Jonas interrupts my thoughts, putting his hands around my waist from behind me then resting his chin on my shoulder. “I know we said a trip back to Inferno after my game on Thursday.”
Maverick nods, peeking at the stairs behind me, keeping a lookout for Raven. “Maksim said Kallum has it all figured out for us. It’ll be a little like reminiscing, it should be fun.”
“And the restaurant?”
I grin. We’ve rented out Raven’s favorite gourmet pizza place on Seventh in Kingston to propose on her birthday. Something small and casual and us. The way it should be. “Everything is going as planned.” This time I shift my gaze over to Mav. “Jonas knows Sofia has been spotted in Spain.”
“There is so much to unpack. Do you think Aleksi will be able to locate her before we get there?” Maverick asks us.
Gone is the man with the moral compass. It seems he’s been enjoying getting his pound of flesh as well with everything he’s been doing to get as many Syndicate members behind bars as possible.
He’s up to seven members. Which is a feat in itself.
Having to trace back all of their whereabouts to really be able to put them behind bars.
It’s been as incredible to watch as it’s been exhaustive.
He’s been on the phone all hours of the night while Raven is asleep only to wake up early to go teach.
He’s a machine as much as he is a beast.
“That’s what he’s hoping for.” I grin wickedly.
“So then it sounds like everything is pretty much going according to plan.” Mav replies with a motion of his head.
We follow him into the living room where he grabs the decanter filled with McCallan, filling three tumblers then brings them to us.
He takes a seat on the edge of the arm of the sofa and we take our respective seats in our usual spots.
Me in the one seater and Jonas in the loveseat.
After a sip, Maverick decides to start talking again.
“So I had my day with Raven, Jonas had an entire weekend with her. What day are you thinking?”
I usually spend the most time with her. I wake up with her and I end my day with her.
Always. Granted, this last week has been different due to her sleeping in her room alone with Kronos guarding her, it hasn’t happened.
I’m getting… antsy. So many times over the weekend I had to stop myself from hopping on a flight and surprising them or calling to check in. I know. I know.
But I can only take so many calming, deep breaths and count to ten before I need to see my little bird. And an entire weekend away from her felt like agony.
Never again.
“What?” Jonas asks, looking over at me as he takes a sip.
I practically sneer when I realize I’ve muttered those words out loud. “I said never again will you take her for an entire weekend alone.”
He eyes me up and down. While he and I do love each other, we came to the same conclusion months ago - she comes first. We loved her first. She comes first. And he knows the crippling anxiety I get when I’m away from her.
Yet, we’ve somehow failed in that aspect.
I am dying to go upstairs and crawl into bed with her and feel her against me to depress and remove this…
this feeling. I don’t even need sex. While I love to love and worship her, being intimate with her, simply sharing her space has always been enough for me.
I adore Raven. Every facet of her is nothing short of divine in my eyes. Jonas knows this. He understands this.
He opens his mouth to speak but I hold up my hand so I can say my bit first. “It is not because I do not trust you alone with her. It is simply because… because I cannot stand this feeling of not being able to be around her. Even now, my anxiety is skyrocketing at the mere thought of you taking her again.”
The ice in his tumbler clinks against the glass as he peeks into it, then, Jonas sighs, the entirety of his chest compressing before flicking his gaze back to me. “Okay.”
“That’s it? You’re just okay with it?” I snap.
Jonas licks his lips and tilts his head.
“Babe. I love you. You gave me the weekend I asked for. I knew your separation anxiety was going to kick in - that’s why I answered every time you called.
I can only do so much to help you feel secure about it, and her safety - but we all have trauma from Wales.
I mean, Maverick was fucking shot.” He pauses when Maverick grunts in agreement but then his eyes soften towards me.
“I just want you to know I get it. Okay? There’s times when I leave for practice in the morning or I’m about to board a plane, and all I can think is, ‘I’m not going to find her when I get home.
She’s not going to be there…’ and it makes me want to rush back.
It makes me want to stay home or follow her around all day.
So…” he lifts a shoulder and lets it drop. “I get it.”
I stare down at the amber liquid and have to compose myself for a few seconds.
I sniff due to my inner turmoil. The way my thoughts run ragged and make my stomach feel like a black, bottomless pit.
The only cure for it is upstairs, in bed, with a goddamn dog guarding her from me.
I inhale sharply. “There was a minute… one single minute while we were sitting outside of that fucking fortress and her dot didn’t move…
that for a second I allowed myself to think she was gone.
That we were going to find her body. And I didn’t know what to think or feel. ”
I scrub my hand down my face. “I let myself go completely numb. And I realized that’s what it would feel like-” my ribcage squeezes my lungs- “if she were gone. We went into that fucking house and I felt entirely too hollow. I wasn’t a man.
I was übermensch. Machine. I never want to feel that emptiness ever again. ”
“You aren’t the only one, Damon.” Maverick replies roughly.
My gaze flicks to him but he’s doing the same thing I am - staring down at his whiskey like it holds life’s secrets.
“There are times when I close my eyes and all I can see is you carrying her limp body up the stairs.” He sniffs.
“It’s why I've been working so hard at putting so many of them away. Because I can’t fucking sleep knowing they’re out there.
We killed so many Syndicate members that day, but there are so many more out there.
And they’re getting away with their crimes.
I know it’s gonna take time. I’m going to rest from doing it so much and I’m going to give Tasha more rein.
I promised Angel I was going to be a better man and now I’m going to promise her to be a better partner.
A good husband. And the best father to our children.
She deserves that. Our kids will deserve that, too. ”
I take a sip from my tumbler. “Then it’s agreed.”
“It’s agreed.” Jonas murmurs.
“Damon?” I hear from the landing.
My heart skips a beat. I throw back the last of my whiskey and stand, placing the tumbler on the coffee table and face Raven. “Yes, Little Bird?”
“Bed?” She cocks her head to the side, loose chocolate curls following the movement.