Chapter 32
Graham’s hold on me slackened and his face fell.
I took deep breaths to calm myself so we could have an honest conversation.
This was what I dreaded most to hear. That regardless of my efforts, he still rejected me.
He would still break his promises to me.
I would still lose him, after everything I had gone through to find him.
“You admitted that you should have just come home,” I said shakily. I had to make sense of all this. I bit my lip to keep from crying again.
He nodded. “Aye, I should’ve. Ye deserved to hear it from me in person.”
“Are you saying…?” I closed my eyes and reopened them.
“Look, whatever you said in that letter is in the past as well. You said that it’s been hard to reconcile these two sides of yourself.
Let’s allow some time for you to do that.
” Surely, once he had thought it through, he would return to Scotland with me.
I looked into his brown eyes, filled with all the love of a brother.
I saw it now, that his romantic love for me had faded.
When had that changed? Before the letter?
Or after his memory loss? I wanted to ask, but I couldn’t bring myself to hear the answer.
I waited for him to speak, but he continued to stare into my eyes with that same careful emotion.
He certainly had something to say. Whether he’d speak was a different matter.
“I think yer wise to say that,” he finally replied. “I have only just regained my memory, and there are too many things happening to think clearly right now.” He raised his eyebrows at me, pinching them together to convey his serious concern. “Ye are precious to me, Elsie. Ye ken?”
I nodded silently.
“I’ll let ye get some rest. Let’s talk tomorrow, aye?”
I nodded again. It took everything within me not to cling to him as he stepped away from my bed and slowly left the room.
His steps had not returned to their same cadence.
He still seemed heavier than before, each step more determined than the last. The set of his strong shoulders was different as well, like he’d placed the world on them now, whereas before he only had me and his mother up there.
I stared at the empty doorway long after he’d walked down the corridor, wondering how I could convince him to go back to Scotland.
Eliza walked into the room just after I’d finished the dinner Patrice brought me. She waited for Patrice to leave the room, then sat in the seat next to my bed. “I was told you wanted to see me.”
She indeed seemed different. Her broken heart was clear as day, though she probably didn’t know that. Her expression was hardened, fierce, but behind her eyes was a true vulnerability that few people possessed. I reached out to touch her hand. She didn’t pull away, but her expression softened.
“I’m glad you’re better,” she said quietly. “I know Graham was concerned. And…I admit I felt worried, too.” She cracked a brief smile. “I’ve grown accustomed to you.”
“That’s high praise, coming from you,” I said. Changing my tone, I prodded. “Are you all right?”
She pulled her hand away immediately and straightened. “People die, it is the way of the world. If I let myself fall apart for everyone who died, I would never get up in the morning.”
“It’s not a sin to grieve, Eliza.”
Her eyes bored into mine. “It is not a sin, but it is a shame to give up. He had a vision, one that he wasn’t able to see fulfilled.
It is up to me now to take charge of that vision.
I have no time to grieve.” She stood abruptly and ran a hand over her head, then rested both of her hands on her hips.
“No one understands why I don’t let myself feel sad. I only want to act. Is that so wrong?”
“I don’t pretend to understand what you’re going through, but people are worried about you. I heard Graham was trying to comfort you…”
“Don’t talk to me about him,” she said, waving a hand to avoid that subject entirely.
“Why not?”
“His heart isn’t in it, anyway. What does he know about me, or my life, or the Maelstrom and the mission? He…he’ll be leaving here and…” She sucked in a breath and held it. I could tell she didn’t want to cry.
“Eliza.”
She turned away from me for a moment before turning back. “It’s fine. He will be going home eventually, so I can’t let him pretend to care as deeply as I do about all of this.” Eliza waved her hands around her, showing what she meant.
“I think he does care about all of this. Much more than you realize.” I could have told her about the conversation I’d had with him mere hours ago, but it wasn’t my place to explain his heart to her.
“But forget about Graham.” I was beginning to suspect he was the reason she was having such a hard time with the captain’s death.
To lose someone so important to her, then knowing she’d lose someone else dear to her in the future must be tearing her apart.
I could relate. “I only wanted to speak about you and your feelings. I wanted to be here for you. Perhaps I can be a…person to talk to. I’ll just listen. ”
She watched me for a moment, then her eyebrows pulled together and she sat down. “You’re a curious little girl.”
I smiled. “How do you mean?”
“You just want to know everything, don’t you?”
My eyes widened. “I’ve been found out.”
She laughed for the first time since she came into my room. “You have a way of putting people at ease. Very well, Elsie Findlay. I’ll confide in you as I cannot confide in anyone else.”
My smile grew and I gestured for her to continue. She began telling me about Captain Whitmore. His dreams that he’d shared with her, his eccentricities, his spirit that he’d passed down to her. She talked about what the Maelstrom meant to her, and how it felt like home.
She stood, sighing as though she was finally feeling at ease. “I have to get back. But…thank you, Elsie. For listening.”
I nodded to her. “Anytime, my friend. Just try not to shut others out. Your crew needs your heart, not just your action.”
She smiled softly and then left my room.
That goddess of a woman would save the entire world if she had a notion to.
I smiled to myself as I recalled the man in Leith saying something similar about Graham, that he’d “take on the King of England if he had a notion to.” The two of them were one of a kind, it seemed.
That thought made me pause. The familiar twinge in my heart was absent. I couldn’t be certain what that meant, but I made a mental note to be more aware of these shifting emotions.
As the sun began setting, a knock sounded on my door and in walked Mr. Ashby. A smile appeared on my face as suddenly as he did. “You came,” I commented.
“Did you doubt I would?” He sat on the chair that all my visitors used.
“You seemed strange earlier, so I wasn’t sure if you would return today. Are you feeling unwell?” When he looked away, my eyes narrowed. “What happened?”
He looked down, then at my face. “You spoke to Graham?”
Ah, I was beginning to understand. “That’s why you were acting so strangely? Because he regained his memory and you were trying not to tell me?”
He nodded. “How did your conversation go?”
“About as good as anyone can expect. He seems himself, and yet very altered.” I forced a smile. “But it’s good to have him back, isn’t it?”
I could tell Mr. Ashby wasn’t buying it. He didn’t have to say it, but he asked anyway. “What is wrong?”
“Couldn't you just pretend like you can’t read my thoughts?”
He pulled up a corner of his mouth. “Not likely.”
I sighed. “It seems he isn’t sure he will return with me to Scotland.”
Mr. Ashby stood. “That two-faced cad. I’ll go speak with him.”
“No. Mr. Ashby, don’t.” I held out a hand to him, to stop him.
He turned back to me. “Don’t tell me you are letting him get away with this.”
“After what he’s been through…it must be hard for him to know what he even feels.”
“I don’t believe that for a minute. Graham Anderson loves Elsie Findlay. It is what the whole world knows to be true. That doesn’t change. Love for a woman like you doesn’t just change.”
I remained silent. His words struck a chord in my heart that hadn’t been tuned in years.
It rang throughout my body in echoing vibrations.
I watched him pace, then saw him leave without saying farewell.
I was so preoccupied with the way his words made me feel, that I didn’t even consider where he might be going until he had left.
He must be on his way to confront Graham.
Without thinking, I got out of bed. It had been over a week since I’d stood on my own two feet.
I had to hold onto the chair to keep from falling.
Once I was able to stand on my own, I tried to stand straight.
That proved no easy feat. I wondered if I’d be able to catch Mr. Ashby in time.
My bet was no, considering the ruckus I began to hear below me.
I rushed as quickly as I could to the bannister and looked down at the scene unfolding on the ground floor.
About half a dozen people stood around Graham and Mr. Ashby, watching their interaction.
“What do you mean by telling Elsie you might not return to Scotland?” Mr. Ashby said to Graham. I winced.
Graham narrowed his eyes at him. “I dinnae think this is a conversation we need to have right now, Arthur,” he said.
“Are you out of your mind, Graham? How could you possibly let her leave without you?” Mr. Ashby didn’t back down in the slightest; he only came closer to Graham.
“If we are going to talk about this, why don’t we go somewhere more private. I don’t think ye want everyone to hear this.” Graham glanced up at me pointedly and Mr. Ashby saw me there.
His mouth hung open for a second before he turned to glare at Graham again. “She wants to know the same answer, Graham. She is just being considerate.”
Graham shook his head. “I mean, do ye want her to know yer true feelings? Because the way yer asking makes me positive about one thing.” He held up a finger to Mr. Ashby.
Mr. Ashby glanced up at me again, then pulled Graham’s finger down to his side. “That’s enough, Graham. This isn’t about me.”
“Isn’t it?”
I descended the stairs, not quite sure whose side I would be taking or what I would say.
The two of them faced me as I slowly took the last stair and stood before them.
I opened my mouth and looked between the two of them.
I couldn’t find the words. There was suddenly too much to say, too much to hear, and too much to feel.
Even if I could have said something, though, it would have been abruptly cut off by the very loud and very startling call of "Elsie!" From the front door.
Everyone turned to see my father there, towering over every person in the room.
He came to me and enveloped me in a crushing embrace which was both physically and emotionally painful.
I hadn’t realized how much I missed him, missed home.
I eagerly wrapped my arms around his middle and embraced him in return; all other worries would have to wait.
“Papa!” I cried into his chest.