Chapter 35
Ilay unmoving in my bed with eyes empty of tears and a heart completely uncertain how to feel.
Too many conversations in one day. Each person telling me things that were difficult to hear and impossible to accept.
As I waded through a stream of my confused thoughts, the currents brought me new epiphanies.
I tried to make sense of them, because they seemed contradictory.
Before I could organize them into full sentences, my father knocked on my bedroom door.
His appearance would be the last of the evening, it seemed.
He brought in a cot and blanket he had borrowed from the mission.
After setting it up, he laid down and let out a long sigh.
I watched him close his eyes and thought he was essentially closing the door on any conversation between us, so I settled into my bed again and tried to settle my mind.
“I heard about everything you’ve gone through,” my father said. His tone was flat, but not uncaring. I could hear a question in it, as if he wanted to know how I felt about it all.
“Oh? Who told you?”
“I asked Whisper and he told me what he knew, then I had a chat with your maid.” He didn’t sound angry any longer.
“Patrice,” I corrected. It didn’t entirely surprise me. If anyone could make him see reason, it would be her.
“She explained what happened on the Katarina. Then how you found Graham, how difficult it’s been for you to help him recover his memories and to see him in this new life. Apparently he has feelings for that woman I saw earlier with Mrs. Bowers?”
He couldn’t see me, but I nodded. “Yes, it seems he’s decided to stay here with her.”
“Aye, I spoke to him as well.”
“He told you that?” I was surprised that he’d confessed his feelings to my father. I would’ve assumed he’d simply tell him he felt needed here.
“I needed a good reason to allow him out of your betrothal.”
“I thought you had already given up on him after the letter.” He had seemed resigned to it before I left. It was one of the reasons I ran away.
“He was going to receive a strongly worded letter with my thoughts on the matter. I would never let a man humiliate my daughter without giving him a piece of my mind.”
“Thank you. That means a lot to me,” I said honestly.
“Despite what you believe, Elsie, I do love you and want the best for you.” He sighed again, and I heard him move around on his cot. “How are you feeling?”
I would have responded, “Fine, my wound is healing well,” but I knew what he meant. I closed my eyes. “There is not one part of me that isn’t confused.”
“It would be strange if that were not the case, I suppose.”
He was reacting like I’d always hoped he would, with understanding and patience, as if he were on my side.
“You will need to get over all of this and forget what happened here.” That sounded more like the father I knew. But he expounded, and his caring was evident again. “Edleroy will heal your heart, that is what family is for.”
I hoped he was right. Perhaps Edleroy truly was what I needed to overcome these trials and regain control over my emotions.
And yet, even as I wondered when my heart would stop hurting, I recalled how different I’d felt since embarking on this adventure.
While I missed home, I knew deep within me that I would miss St. Kitts as well.
We both eventually fell asleep, even though I wished the night would drag on to avoid the inevitable morning of our departure.
Patrice sniffed as she helped me get ready for the final time.
I told her it was unnecessary; I had become adept at dressing myself and had been doing so most days.
If she helped me, it was only because of my wound.
But today, she wanted to help for old times’ sake.
She could barely stop her tears from falling, however, as she buttoned and tied my dress.
I turned around when she had finished and pulled her into a tight embrace. “I will miss you every second,” I said.
“Aye, me too.” She pulled back and wiped her face. “Dinnae get in too much trouble at home. I won’t be there to help ye out of it.”
I laughed. “I shall try.”
We walked arm in arm out the door and down the stairs to my father, Mrs. Bowers, Whisper, Mr. Ward, the Weisses, and several children I remembered from my short time at the mission.
The girls I’d met came to me and threw their arms around my middle.
I hadn’t thought they would remember me after our quick introduction, but it seemed we had made an impression on each other, for I remembered their names easily.
“Goodbye, Caroline, Alice, and Rebecca. Take care and be good for Mrs. Weiss.” I smiled fondly at them and then Mr. Weiss stepped forward to shake my hand.
“Until we meet again, Miss Findlay. It has been a pleasure.”
“Thank you, Mr. Weiss. I wish you luck with your mission. May God bless your endeavors.” He smiled kindly at my words.
Mrs. Weiss wiped tears and pulled me into an embrace, practically crushing me against her. “Oh, Miss Findlay, our time together was too short! Too short, indeed. I do hope you take care of yourself. Godspeed, my dear.”
“Thank you, Mrs. Weiss. It has been a great blessing to meet you.”
She nodded, wiping at her eyes and stepping back to allow Whisper to say goodbye. The mysterious, kind-hearted spy took my hand and kissed it lightly.
“You will be missed, if nothing else than for the extraordinary amount of intrigue you added to our home. Things were never boring with you around.”
I laughed at his strange humor. “Farewell, Whisper. Thank you for everything. I don’t know what anyone would do without you.”
He grinned and Mrs. Bowers stepped up, taking my hand. “Dear Miss Findlay, you will be greatly missed. I could tell you were a kindred spirit upon meeting you, and I hope to see you again someday.”
“Me too, Mrs. Bowers. I hope you are well. I wish you only the best life can bring.”
She patted my hand lovingly, nodding and smiling. I then looked around for Mr. Ashby. Perhaps he was running late. Surely he would arrive before our departure.
Patrice took my arm again as my father led us outside to a waiting cart pulled by a large horse. Graham stood next to it, holding a stack of letters. When I approached, he held them out to me. “I’m returning these to ye.”
I frowned. “I wrote those for you. Why would you return them?”
“Because these are memories of the time ye spent at home. I read them all and found that it was more like yer diary than letters. Ye should read them again during yer journey. Ye’ll find them quite enlightening.”
I took them begrudgingly. When I looked at him, I tried to smile. It missed the mark, but he smiled back nonetheless. “I hope you are happy,” I said.
He placed a hand on my shoulder. “I’m always praying for yer happiness, Elsie.”
I stuffed the letters into my bag, but as I did I noticed one that wasn’t tied in the bundle. “What’s this?” I asked him, inspecting the note. It was addressed to me. “Is this from Mr. Ashby?”
Graham nodded. “He asked me to give it to ye.”
I looked around. “He isn’t coming?” My heart sank. I had wanted to see him once more before I departed. Just once more, if this was to be our final farewell.
“He said he couldn’t watch ye leave.” Graham raised his eyebrows, as if trying to communicate something of significance. I knew what he meant. He didn’t have to tell me that Arthur Ashby loved me.
“Farewell, Graham Anderson.”
I handed my bag to my father, who had gotten onto the cart. I turned to Patrice and hugged her once more before joining my father up there. Before I stepped up, however, I felt a hand on my arm. I turned to see Eliza.
“I can’t let you leave without saying goodbye,” she said.
“Thank you for seeing me off,” I replied with a sad smile. Here was the woman who’d stolen the heart of the man I loved. And yet, I couldn’t hate her. She was an incredible person and I completely understood what Graham saw in her. “I hope you are well. Take care of him, Eliza.”
She pulled me into a hug, much to my surprise. “I’m happy I had a chance to meet you, and I believe I’ll miss you.” When she pulled back, her soft smile reassured me again that they would be happy. When he did confess his feelings to her, they would make an excellent match.
Finally, I climbed into the cart with my father. Too soon, the horse began pulling us away and everyone waved as we bumped down the road. It would take several hours to reach Basseterre, and I knew every mile would hurt. Both my injury and my heart.
That Mr. Ashby hadn’t come to say goodbye pierced me sharply.
Why wouldn’t he want one last look, one last embrace, before being parted forever?
I opened my bag and looked at his letter, wondering if I should open it now.
I glanced at my father, who glanced back at me and at the letter in my hand.
I decided now wasn’t the best time. I wondered if his letter would make me want to stay, or if it would just confuse me more.
Even if I did stay, even if I allowed myself to love Arthur Ashby, how would it work on the same island with the man I once loved?
He couldn’t court me in such circumstances.
Every moment of our courtship would be cast in a shadow of lost love.
No, leaving was best, regardless of what his letter said.
I took a deep, cleansing breath. We were leaving the estate boundaries now and I vowed to truly leave it all behind me. I would heal. Completely.