13
SELENA
Flashback
It was a beach day. The kind of day that made you forget the world existed. Sun hot enough to warm your bones, sky blue enough to lose yourself in, waves crashing in a rhythm that felt like breathing.
The whole group was there. Sabrina and Rohit were already in the water, splashing each other, laughing like they were the only two people on earth. Derek and Mike were tossing a football back and forth on the sand. A few other friends scattered around on towels, soaking up the sun.
Kai had picked me up in his car. Just me. No one else. He didn't say why. He just showed up at my door, sunglasses on, that stupid smirk on his face, and said, "Get in." I didn't ask questions. I never did with him.
The drive was easy. Windows down. Music up. He sang off-key, and I threw my head back laughing. He reached over and squeezed my knee once. Didn't say anything. Just squeezed. I pretended not to notice how my heart raced.
When we got there, he spread out his towel next to mine. Close. Closer than he needed to. I didn't move mine. Neither did he.
My phone buzzed. I glanced down. Matt.
Can't wait for tomorrow. You're gonna love this place I found.
I smiled. Kai noticed.
"Who's that?"
"No one."
He snatched my phone before I could stop him and held it above his head, out of reach.
"Kai, give it back."
"Matt," he read, his voice flat. "You're gonna love this place I found."
"So?"
"So you have a date?"
"Maybe."
He stared at me. Something flickered in his eyes. Something I couldn't name.
"With who?"
"His name is Matt. He's nice. We've been talking for a few weeks."
"A few weeks?"
"Is that a problem?"
He didn't answer. Just dropped the phone in my lap and looked away.
Rachel arrived an hour later. She was beautiful, of course. Tan legs. White bikini. Hair that moved like it was in a commercial. She kissed Kai on the cheek and wrapped her arm around his waist.
I looked away. Pulled out my phone. Texted Matt.
Getting sunburned. Send help.
His reply came fast. On my way with aloe vera and snacks.
I smiled. Kai was watching.
He came over a few minutes later, Rachel trailing behind him.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
"Nothing. Matt's just funny."
"Matt again."
"Matt again."
He sat down next to me. Right next to me. His shoulder brushed mine. His arm draped over my shoulders like it belonged there. Rachel stood there, awkward, waiting.
"Kai," she said. "Do you want to go in the water?"
"In a minute," he said. He didn't look at her. He was looking at me.
He pulled out a sandwich. Turkey. Swiss. The one he always got. He took a bite, then held it out to me. I took a bite. Didn't ask. Didn't hesitate. Like I'd done it a hundred times. He watched me chew and smiled.
"Good?"
"Needs more mustard."
He pulled out the mustard, squeezed some on, and handed it back. I took another bite and nodded.
"Better."
He took a bite from the exact same spot. Didn't even look.
Rachel shifted her weight and cleared her throat. "Kai. The water."
"One sec."
He grabbed my phone and held it up. "Let's see what lover boy is saying."
"Kai, give it back."
He held it higher. I reached for it. He pulled it away. We wrestled for it, laughing, shoving. He ended up with his arms around me, pinning me against his chest, my phone held triumphantly in the air.
"Say please," he said.
"Never."
"Then I'm keeping it."
"Kai."
He kissed my forehead. Quick. Casual. Like it was nothing.
Rachel walked away.
"Kai," I said. "Go after her."
He didn't move.
"Now."
He sighed, stood up, and jogged after her.
I watched them talk. Her arms crossed. His hands in his pockets. She was upset. Anyone could see that. She pointed at me, then at him, then at the water.
"You're in love with her," she said. "You don't even realize it."
He didn't deny it.
"So here's your choice," she continued. "You can come with me. Or you can go to her. But if you choose her, we're done. I mean it, Kai. I'm done."
He looked at her. Then he looked at me.
"Let me get my bag," he said. "I'll meet you at the car."
She nodded and walked away.
He walked toward his towel, bent down, and grabbed his bag. Then he looked at the water.
I was in the waves. Laughing at something Sabrina had shouted. The sun was in my hair. The water was up to my waist. My phone was on my towel, buzzing with Matt's name on the screen.
He dropped the bag and ran. Straight into the water. Past Rachel. Past everyone. Straight to me.
Sabrina screamed his name. "Kai! What are you doing?"
He didn't answer. He just kept coming.
The water was deeper now. Up to my chest. I couldn't swim. He knew I couldn't swim.
"Kai," I said, my voice shaking. "I can't go out this far."
"I've got you," he said.
"There are rocks out there. I want to show you."
"I can't swim."
"You don't need to swim. You just need to trust me."
I looked at him. His eyes were steady. Certain. The kind of certain he never was with anyone else.
"Trust me, Sel."
I took his hand.
He led me deeper. The water rose to my neck. My feet barely touched the sand. I gripped his hand so tight my knuckles went white.
"Don't let go," I whispered.
"Never," he said.
Sabrina was screaming from the shore. "Selena! Get back here! Kai, stop!"
I didn't look back. I kept my eyes on him.
The water was up to my chin now. I could feel the pull of the current. The cold of the deep. My heart pounded in my ears.
"Almost there," he said.
A wave came. Bigger than the others. I saw it coming. My body tensed.
"Don't let go," he said.
I did.
The wave hit. Water rushed over my head. I lost his hand. I lost the ground. I lost everything. I was under. Spinning. Choking. The salt burned my throat.
Then his arms were around me. Pulling me up. Pulling me out. I gasped, coughed, and clung to him like he was the only solid thing in the world.
"I've got you," he said. "I've always got you."
He carried me to the rocks and set me down on the smooth stone. The water lapped at our feet. The sun was low now, painting the sky in shades of orange and pink. We sat there side by side, catching our breath.
"You're an idiot," I said.
"A romantic idiot," he said.
"Same thing."
He laughed. I laughed. Then we were quiet.
The sunset was beautiful. The kind of beautiful that made you believe in something bigger. The waves crashed below us. The sky burned gold.
"Sel," he said.
"Yeah?"
"I need to tell you something."
I looked at him. His face was different. Softer. The mask was gone.
"I'm listening."
He stared at the water and didn't look at me.
"My dad used to hit my mom."
My heart stopped.
"I was seven the first time I saw it. He came home drunk. She asked where he'd been. He backhanded her so hard she hit the wall."
"Kai—"
"I ran at him. I was seven. I couldn't do anything. He shoved me to the floor. Told me to stay out of it."
Tears filled my eyes. He still wasn't looking at me.
"It happened a lot after that. I used to lie in bed and listen. Hear her cry. Hear him yell. Hear things breaking. And I couldn't do anything. I was a kid."
"Kai."
"I told myself I'd never be like him. I'd never hurt someone I loved. I'd never raise my hand. I'd never make someone cry like that."
He finally looked at me. His eyes were wet.
"But I did hurt you. Not with my hands. With my words. With my silence. With the way I ran. Every time you needed me to stay, I left. Every time you needed me to choose you, I chose someone else."
"Kai—"
"I'm not like him. But I'm not good either. I'm broken. I'm scared. I don't know how to love someone without hurting them. I don't know how to stay." He pulled his hand away and wiped his eyes. "You deserve someone who knows how to stay."
I reached for his face and turned him to look at me.
"You're not your father."
"You don't know that."
"I know you. The real you. The one who climbs my balcony. The one who holds me when I cry. The one who taught me that my body is mine. That's not a monster, Kai. That's a man who's scared."
"I am scared."
"Of what?"
"Of becoming him. Of hurting you. Of waking up one day and not recognizing myself."
I pulled him into a hug and held him tight.
"You won't."
"How do you know?"
"Because monsters don't worry about becoming monsters. You do. That's how I know."
He held me back. His arms wrapped around me like I was the only thing keeping him from drowning.
"Sel."
"Yeah?"
"Don't leave me."
"I won't."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
He pulled back just enough to look at me. His eyes dropped to my lips. Then back to my eyes. Then back to my lips.
He leaned in. Slow. So slow I thought I might die from the waiting.
His lips touched mine. Soft at first. Then surer. His hand came up to my face, cradling my jaw like I was something precious.
I kissed him back. For the first time, I kissed him.
From the shore, I heard cheering. Sabrina's voice. Rohit's. Even Derek's.
I pulled back, laughing. "They're watching."
"Let them watch," he said.
And he kissed me again.
When we finally walked back to shore, hand in hand, the group was waiting. Sabrina had her arms crossed, but she was smiling.
"You almost gave me a heart attack," she said.
"Worth it," Kai said.
She looked at our joined hands, then at me, then at him.
"What about Rachel?"
Kai shrugged. "She left."
"Because of Selena."
"Because I finally stopped lying to myself."
Sabrina looked at me. I looked at Kai. He squeezed my hand.
"Matt," I said.
"What about Matt?"
"I have a date with him tomorrow."
Kai's jaw tightened. "Cancel it."
"Why would I do that?"
"Because you're here with me."
"Here with you isn't the same as being with you."
He pulled me closer, wrapped his arms around my waist, and pressed his forehead against mine.
"Then let me change that. Tomorrow. I'll pick you up at seven. I'll bring flowers. I'll do it right. Just cancel the date with him."
Everyone was watching. I didn't care.
"Flowers?"
"Flowers. Roses. Your favorite."
"You don't know my favorite."
"Then I'll buy all of them until I get it right."
I looked at him. This broken, scared, beautiful boy who was finally trying.
"Okay," I said.
"Okay?"
"Okay. Seven. Flowers. I'll be there."
He grinned. Kissed my forehead, then my nose, then my lips.