17
SELENA
Flashback
Kai and I hadn't spoken for nine months. I couldn't bear to be around him while he dated someone else, while he overlooked me again, the way he always had. We were neighbors, yes, but I blocked him on everything. No calls, no messages, no glimpses of him anywhere in my life. I didn't do it to punish him, I did it to heal. To survive.
After Matt asked me on a date and I chose Kai as always, the truth came out that Matt was using me. He was gay, which I am all in support of, but he was using me to be a cover. I should have known. So far, no guy ever liked me for me.
Then I met Lucas.
Lucas was everything Kai wasn't. Glasses, quiet intelligence, a kindness that made you feel like you mattered. He wasn't handsome in that movie-star way, and honestly, I didn't care. From the first conversation, I loved his mind. For the first time, I could imagine a life where my heart belonged to someone else, someone who wasn't Kai.
Lucas did everything right. He called, he listened, he made me feel special. And just when I let myself believe I could actually be happy, it crumbled.
I should have seen the signs. He was using me. Using my kindness, my attention, my love, to make his girl best friend jealous. And the universe, merciless as ever, reminded me of my place. When I was the best friend, Kai didn't choose me. But Lucas's best friend? She got him. She got the attention I had always wanted.
Was this a joke?
I never made it to the girlfriend title. Never had a first date that felt like it was really meant for me. I never had a date ever. I wasn't worthy enough for guys to dress up for me and buy me a nice meal. I was always the stepping ladder. The one people climbed on to reach the girl they truly wanted. I was trained early, lean down, make others feel tall. And it's exhausting. God, it's exhausting.
I don't want to stay where I'm the option. I want to go where I'm the answer. But it feels like no one out there is praying for me. I'm not the dream girl. I'm the girl left behind when the main characters finally realize each other. The audience cheers for them, they never see the tears of the one left behind. They didn't buy tickets for my story. They came for the main characters. And I'm not even the main character in my own life.
I sit with a glass of wine in hand, feeling sorry for myself. Lucas and I are done. I spent days buying gifts for him, making his birthday special, pouring love into a day that wasn't mine. And on my birthday? I waited. Maybe for a call, maybe for a message. Nothing.
Nothing.
I pick up my phone, dial Kai's number without thinking, just to hear him. My fingers hesitate, then I erase it. I do it again.
He answers.
"Sel? What's up?"
I can barely breathe. I didn't have a plan. Words fail me.
"Kai," I squeak.
"What's wrong?" His tone is immediate, knowing.
"Nothing. Everything." My sob breaks me before I can stop it.
The line goes dead.
Did he just… hang up? Nine months, and he still thought so little of me? Rage fills me. I delete his number, Lucas's too, all the photos, all the memories. My phone sails across the room.
Then I hear it.
The balcony.
"Hi."
He's there. The same Kai. Somehow hotter, somehow more familiar.
"You came?" My voice trembles.
"You called," he says softly, quoting a show we both loved, and my heart twists.
I cry, happy and hurt all at once, spilling everything about Lucas.
"Now can I rip his balls off?" His anger is real, and I laugh through tears.
"Why do you go for guys like this?" he asks, voice low. "You deserve so much better."
I roll my eyes. "Ha. Look who's talking."
"Yeah, well, my north star." His smile is soft. "I do deserve better than these girls out there."
I laugh, and he takes my bottle, sipping it slowly while looking at me, letting me feel the weight of him.
"Happy birthday. For yesterday," he says, setting the bottle down. "I tried calling. You had me blocked. I tried talking to Sabrina to give you this, but Papa Smurf wouldn't let me near you. And you locked the balcony."
He reaches into his jacket and pulls out a small box.
I shake, overwhelmed. My hands barely manage to open it. Inside, a necklace. A tiny star. A north star.
"Because you always lead me home," he whispers, fastening it around my neck. His fingers brush my skin, and I shiver.
"Thank you," I whisper back. "Thanks for remembering."
"I'll always remember, Sel. Because I love you."
His gaze softens. He moves my hair behind my ear. I lean forward, kissing him. His lips are warm, soft, perfect.
Then reality cuts in, and I pull back.
"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry," I breathe.
"Don't be." He presses his forehead to mine, his lips biting softly. "God, I want to kiss you so bad."
"Then what's stopping you?"
"I won't be able to stop," he admits, voice rough. He kisses my forehead instead, tentative, testing.
"Kai, I want this," I say, my heart hammering.
"I know, baby. I know," he murmurs, raw. "But you're still a virgin."
I look away, burning.
"So I'm too inexperienced for you?"
"No, Sel." He tilts my chin back. "But if I kiss you, I won't stop."
"Then don't stop," I breathe.
He bites his lip. "Fuck. I want you so bad." He takes my hand. Places it on him. I felt exactly how much he wanted me, hard and ready through his jeans. "I don't know if you want an asshole like me as your first." His voice cracked. "You deserve better."
"I want you." I look him in the eyes. "There's no one else I want."
That's all it takes. He kisses me like he's been starving for years and I'm the only meal. Not gentle. Not asking. Taking. His hands gripped my waist and pulled me against him, and I felt everything. His want. His need. His hunger.
His lips claim mine like starvation.
His hands gripped my waist, pulling me close, and suddenly all the years, all the waiting, all the heartbreak landed here between us in this kiss.
"Kai"
"Shh." His mouth moves down my neck.
“I’ve wanted this for so long.”
I believe him.
His hands move under my shirt. Not careful. Desperate. His fingers trace my skin like he's trying to memorize me in case I disappear.
"You sure?" he breathes against my collarbone.
"I'm sure."
He pulled my shirt over my head and looked at me. Something flickered in his eyes. Awe, maybe. Or hunger. Both.
"So beautiful," he murmurs. "How are you this beautiful?"
Before I can answer, his mouth is on me again.
His hands find my bra. He pauses, looks at me. I nod.
He gently removes my bra .
He groans when he sees me. Low and rough.
"Fuck, Selena."
His mouth closes over me. I gasp, my hands flying to his hair.
“Kai."
"You like that?" I couldn't speak. I just nodded. "Tell me." "Yes. God, yes."
He smiles against my skin. "Good girl."
His jeans come off. Mine too.
He positioned himself above me, and I felt his cock, hard and ready against my thigh.
"Tell me if it hurts," he says, and for a moment, the hunger softens into something almost tender. "Tell me to stop."
"I don't want you to stop."
He enters me slow. So slow I feel every inch.
I gasped, not from pain but from the fullness of it. He stilled, his forehead against mine.
"Okay?"
"Okay." I breathe. "God, okay."
He moves. Rocks into me like he's been waiting his whole life for this. His mouth is at my ear, whispering things that make my toes curl.
"You feel so good." "So tight around me." "Mine." "Say it." "Yours," I gasped. "Again." "Yours, Kai. I'm yours."
"Fuck, Selena."
His rhythm quickens. His hands grip my hips. His breath is ragged in my ear.
"Close," he gasped. "I'm close."
"Me too."
"Come with me."
And I do.
Crying out his name, clinging to him, shattering beneath him as he follows right after, burying himself deep, groaning mine.
After, he holds me. Strokes my hair. Presses kisses to my shoulder.
"You okay?"
I nod against his chest. More than okay.
"Good." His arms tighten. "That was—" He laughs softly. "Yeah. That was good."
I smiled, heart full. He stayed until I fell asleep. When I woke up, he was gone. Like always.
Two weeks.
That's how long he left me this time. Two weeks after he took something from me I could never get back. Two weeks after he looked at me like I was everything, like I was finally his. And then nothing. No calls. No texts. No balcony. No Kai. Just silence.
I told myself I wouldn't spiral. I told myself this was who he was, that I should have expected it. But knowing something doesn't make it hurt any less when it happens. I felt used. Angry. Hurt. But mostly, I felt alone. That was the part that stayed with me. The emptiness he left behind like it was nothing. Like I was nothing.
Sabrina didn't sugarcoat it. She never did.
"I told you so," she said, arms crossed, watching me like she was waiting for me to finally wake up. "Kai's a fuckboy. Always has been. Always will be."
Rohit, sitting beside her, shook his head. "He's messed up," he said carefully. "But Selena… you're the only girl he actually cares about. I've never seen him like this over anyone."
Angel and devil. Two completely different versions of the same man. And I didn't know which one to believe.
They asked if I wanted to go out. Watch a movie. Do something normal. I said no. Blamed studying. Said I was tired. But the truth was I didn't trust myself not to fall apart in public. So I went to my room instead.
I stood under the shower longer than I needed to, letting the water run over me, hoping it would wash him away. The memory of his hands. His voice. The way he said my name like it meant something. I scrubbed my skin like I could erase it. Like I could erase him. It didn't work. It never did.
When I stepped out, the mirror was fogged, the room quiet. I wrapped a towel around myself and pushed the bathroom door open, and froze.
He was sitting on my bed. Like he belonged there. Like he hadn't just disappeared for two weeks.
The anger hit me instantly. Sharp. Burning. It rose so fast I could taste it. What are you doing here? You don't get to just come back whenever you feel like it. I wanted to hurt him. The way he'd hurt me.
But then I looked at him. Really looked. His shoulders were slumped, like something was weighing him down. His eyes were red, tired in a way I'd never seen before. His hands, those same hands that had held me so tightly, were shaking in his lap. This wasn't the version of Kai I knew how to fight.
"Selena." My name broke in his mouth.
And suddenly, all that anger hesitated.
"My dad…" He swallowed hard, like even saying it hurt. "My dad has cancer."
Everything inside me went quiet. The anger. The hurt. The pride. Gone. Just like that.
A small voice in my head whispered that this is how he always gets back in. That he breaks me, then comes back broken, and I forget everything he did. But I couldn't listen to it. Not when he looked like that. Not when his voice sounded like that.
I crossed the room before I could stop myself. Wrapped my arms around him. Held him. He broke against me instantly, his body shaking as he buried his face into my shoulder. And I held him tighter, like I could keep him from falling apart completely. Like I could take some of the pain from him. Like I always did.
Maybe Sabrina was right. Maybe I was stupid. Maybe I was exactly the kind of girl people hurt and come back to because they know she won't turn them away. But in that moment, none of it mattered. Because he needed me. And I had spent my whole life needing him.
So I held him. And I told myself this time would be different. I told myself to be patient. I told myself love looked like this, messy, painful, complicated. I told myself he would come back to me properly this time. I told myself a lot of things. And I believed every single one of them.
Five Months Later
Five months passed in a blur.
Kai spent most nights with me. Not just Fridays anymore. Not just movies. He would show up on my balcony, climb into my bed, and stay until morning. Then he would leave. Every time.
In public, I didn't exist. He would walk past me like a stranger. Untag himself from anything that had me in it. Flirt with other girls at parties like I wasn't standing right there. Live his life like I wasn't part of it.
I told myself it was fine. His father was responding well to treatment, but still, he had a lot on his plate. A relationship was probably the last thing on his mind. And besides, I got him at night. I got the version of Kai no one else saw. The quiet one. The one who held me like I mattered.
I told myself that meant something. Bits and pieces of him felt better than all of anyone else. He wouldn't keep coming back if it wasn't love. Right?
The red string theory. We were tied together. Destined. Eventually, we'd find our way back to each other properly. That's what I told myself.
One morning, he overslept. He tried to sneak out like he always did. But this time, my father was awake.
I heard his voice from downstairs. Low. Sharp. Angry. I crept to the top of the stairs, careful not to be seen. They were in the hallway. My father blocking the door. Kai half-dressed, caught. I couldn't hear the words. Just the tone. My father's anger. Kai's defensiveness. It wasn't a conversation. It was an interrogation.
Kai looked up for a second, toward the stairs. Toward me. Our eyes met. His expression flickered. Guilt. Something heavier. Then it was gone. He looked back at my father, nodded once, and walked out.
I stayed frozen long after the door shut. Something had shifted. I didn't know what. But I knew I'd feel it soon.
A week later, Sabrina and Rohit hosted their first pool party.
I was excited. New people. New energy. And seeing Sabrina happy, really happy, made something inside me soften. Their love looked easy. Stable. The kind that didn't make you question your worth.
Kai and I didn't arrive together. We never did. I was his secret. And maybe some girls would find that exciting. But I didn't. I wanted to be chosen. I wanted to be seen. I wanted someone to hold my hand in public. Someone who looked at me like I was the only person in the room. I wanted to be the kind of love people admired. The kind that didn't need hiding.
I didn't know if I'd ever get that. But I kept giving Kai time. Time to grow into that man.
The party was loud, warm, alive.
The girls had become like sisters to me. I loved being around them, listening to their stories, laughing like I finally belonged somewhere. For once, I didn't feel invisible.
I was heading to Sabrina's bathroom when I heard voices outside. I didn't mean to listen. But I did.
Kai's voice. "…so beer doesn't kill," he said, and the guys laughed.
"It's just, I didn't know Rohit could pull Sabrina," Mike added. "She's a ten. She rejected me once."
I should leave. I knew I should. But something held me there.
"What about her sister?" Andrew said. "Date her instead."
"Yeah, no thanks," Mike replied. "She's too obsessed with Kai."
My stomach dropped.
"Are you seeing her?" Derek asked.
Silence. My heart started racing. I couldn't see him. Couldn't read his face. I just waited.
"Are you hitting that though?" Andrew added, laughing.
"You asking if I slept with Selena?" Kai said.
"Well, yeah."
A pause.
"A gentleman never kisses and tells."
Laughter.
"But you're not a gentleman, are you?"
More laughter.
"So that means you are hitting that."
My chest tightened.
"So… how is it?"
I held my breath.
"She's a sweet girl," Kai said. A beat.
"But she's too vanilla for me. She tries too hard to please." Another pause.
"And she's boring in bed."
Everything inside me went still. No tears. No reaction. Just silence.
"Then why are you with her?" someone asked. "You're Kai Frost. You can get anyone."
He sighed. "Because charming girls takes time. Effort. I don't have that right now. I've got too much going on. Sel is… easy."
Easy. That was the word that broke me.
I didn't wait to hear anything else. I ran.
The next night, like always, he showed up. Like nothing had happened. Like I wasn't falling apart.
"What do you want?" I asked the moment he stepped inside.
He walked toward me like everything was normal. Like he hadn't just destroyed me the night before. He reached for my face. Kissed my forehead. I pushed him away.
"What's with the attitude?" he asked, irritated.
"What do you want?" I repeated.
"Can't I give my girl some love?"
I let out a hollow laugh. "But I'm not your girl, right? Just the girl you sleep with."
He exhaled sharply. Annoyed. "I've had a long day. I don't need this."
He started unbuttoning his shirt. Took off his watch. Sat on my bed like he belonged there. Like I belonged to him. He patted his lap.
"Come here."
I didn't move.
For the first time, I didn't move.
And something shifted inside me. I was tired. Tired of being wanted in private but erased in public. Tired of shrinking myself to fit into whatever version of me he needed. Tired of loving someone who only showed up halfway.
I loved him. God, I loved him. But I didn't want this anymore.
"Selena," he said, sharper now.
"Come here. Now."
I stayed exactly where I was.
He stared at me for a long moment. Then he sighed, stood up, and walked toward me. Took my hands.
"Baby, what's wrong?" he softened.
I stepped back slightly.
"Kai, I—"
"Shh." He pressed a finger to my lips.
"This wasn't how I planned it. But I can't wait anymore."
I froze. "What?"
He dropped to one knee.
My mind went blank.
"I'm not good with words," he said.
"Or love. Or anything, really. But with you… you make me better. You make me want to be better."
My heart started pounding.
"I love you. You're the person I want to spend my life with."
He looked up at me.
"Marry me?"
Everything inside me went quiet. This was it. The dream. The thing I had waited years for. But something didn't feel right. Something didn't add up.
"But we're not even dating," I said slowly.
"And now you want to marry me?"
"I've spent years with you," he said. "It already feels like a lifetime."
"But—"
"Sel," he cut in. "No pressure. But my knee is killing me, so can you just say yes?"
That almost made me laugh. Almost.
"You deserve someone who matches you," I said quietly.
"Not someone you call vanilla."
He stilled. "You heard that?"
I nodded.
He ran a hand through his hair. "I didn't mean it," he said quickly.
"I was being stupid. Trying to impress the guys." He stepped closer again.
"You're not boring. You're not vanilla. Being with you is the only time I feel… whole."
His voice softened. "I don't need wild. I just need you."
I looked at him. Really looked. This was everything I had ever wanted. To be chosen. To be loved. To finally be his.
The doubts were still there. But they were quieter than my love for him. Quieter than the years I had spent waiting for this moment.
I nodded. Then again. Faster this time.
"Yes," I whispered. "Yes, I'll marry you."
He pulled me into his arms, kissing me like he meant it. Like this was real. Like I was finally his. We fell onto the bed, laughing.
And for a moment, I let myself believe it. My future. My husband. Kai. I was finally going to have the title I'd always wanted. Not his secret. Not his almost. His wife.
And in that moment, I didn't let myself question it. I didn't let myself wonder why love had to hurt this much to be given. I didn't let myself ask why it came only when I was ready to walk away.
I just held onto him. And hoped this time, he would finally choose me.