Chapter 32 #2
I was a zombie for days after, only coming back to myself when I went to the hospital a few days after her service to turn in my notice. I could never go back to work there. The halls would be too empty, the space too foreign without her beautiful, smiling face to greet me.
I know Atlas is trying to comfort me, but I can’t shake this funk I’m in. It’s not his fault, but I’m stuck.
Until four paws land on me, jolting me out of a nap. I sit up and I’m met with Bub’s wet nose as he sniffs at me. He lets out a soft bark, then clamps his sharp teeth around my shirt and tugs.
“Why do you hate me?” I grumble at the dog, but get out of bed. When a dog tells you to get up, you get up, no questions asked.
I expect to see Atlas, North, and Ranen when I get into the living room, but it’s just Ranen, that permanent smile etched across his face.
He claps when Bubs lets me go and runs over to his owner.
“Good boy. You’re such a fast learner!” Ranen looks at me as he rubs the dog’s jowls.
“I’ve been teaching him to fetch. Seems like it works with people too. ”
I can’t help but smile as I walk over to them. I sit on the couch and pull my legs under me, holding my hand out for Bubs. He trots over and sits in front of me, holding his neck up so I can give him some scritches. “Spoiled already.”
“Oh yeah, he knows he’ll get what he wants with a face like that.” Ranen shifts his body toward me, a soft look in his eyes. “You okay?”
I blow out a long breath and shake my head. Tears well in my eyes and a few of the fuckers slide down my face.
Ranen whistles and pats the couch. “Up, Bubs.”
Bubbles hops up and sits in front of me, resting his boxy head on my knee. Without thought, I reach out and rub the top of his head, giving me something to do with my hands.
“Tell me what’s going on.”
“We buried my friend the other day. It’s all my fault.”
“You know what happened to me, right?” His face appears drawn and a flash of pain flicks through his eyes. “I didn’t do anything to make my friend try to harm me. Just like you didn’t make your ex kill your friend.”
“Had she not gotten to know me, this never would have happened. She chose to be my friend and she died for it.”
Ranen holds his hand up, a gentle but firm look on his face. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but do you think she would regret being your friend?”
“I mean, yeah. She wouldn’t be dead if she hadn’t been.”
Ranen takes my free hand. “That may be true, but it also may not be. Our lives often take a path none of us can know. We think it’ll turn out one way and it could take a left turn.
We know nothing but what we’ve experienced before, and I know her experiences with you were great.
You’re a good person, Calvin. It’s not your fault that you fell in love with someone so evil that he’d kill your best friend to hurt you, just as it’s not your fault that your friend is dead. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Okay?”
“I know,” I whisper, petting Bubs with a little more urgency. He soaks it up, his wagging tail hitting Ranen on the leg. “You’re right. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Want to go out with me and teach Bubs how to fetch sticks? He’s good at retrieving balls and North, not so much those.”
Smiling for the first time in days, I nod.
When we step outside, Bubs takes off like a shot and Ranen follows behind him, though more slowly.
Both Atlas and North are on the porch, looking out over the lawn.
North gives me a two-finger salute as he meets with his man and his dog and I walk over to Atlas’s open arms.
I give him a watery kiss, tears leaking from the corners of my eyes. “You called him for me?”
Atlas searches my face before he nods. “You needed someone who could help. Ranen is good like that.”
“He is.” I hug Atlas and sigh, feeling both sad and lucky. I’ll miss Shameka for the rest of my life, and it will take a while to see things the way Ranen does, but I’ll get there.
Because I have my man and I have my family. I have people who are willing to help me when I’m feeling like shit, when I’m beating myself up.
I know it must have cost Atlas to ask Ranen for help when he wanted to take care of me himself, but he did take care of me.
He knew what I needed, knew that I wouldn’t come out of my shell until I saw things from another perspective.
Atlas is great at comforting me, but Ranen is sunshine.
It’s hard to stay upset when he’s around.
Add in Bubs and I don’t think any of us stand a chance.
“Thank you. You always know what I need, even when I don’t.”
Atlas kisses my forehead, and I sigh against him. “I hope to always know what you need, Calvin. You deserve all the good things in this world. And I’ll give all of them to you.”
“I know you will, baby. I love you.” I chuckle, holding on to him just a little tighter. “I’ll never get tired of telling you that.”
“And I’ll never get tired of hearing it.” He tips my chin up so I meet his eyes. “And I love you too. You’re the love of my life, sweetheart. I’ll do everything I can to make you happy.”
“You already do.”
I kiss his lips, soaking up all the love he has for me, hoping I’m giving him the same thing.
We’re interrupted by a bark and Ranen yelling, “Come on, Bubs needs our help.”
I sigh with a smile and pull on Atlas’s hand. “If I have to help, you do too.”
“I don’t mind that at all.”
For the rest of the afternoon, we sit outside, taking turns tossing a stick to Bubs and teaching him different tricks.
As I look around at my family, I feel almost whole. There will always be a space in my heart for Shameka, but I don’t think she’d want me to be sad. I’ll just try to live my life full of love and light and happiness.
The personification of my best friend.