21. Ranen
Chapter 21
Ranen
“ Y eah. Okay,” North says, his words coming out raspy and hard. Like he thinks what I want to say will be… bad.
They’re the opposite of bad. I knew North had this hidden side to him, this danger I wasn’t aware of. The smell of that danger inside him radiated from his pores, it was so potent, but I could never put a finger on what it was.
Now I can.
Now I see him. All of him.
I should be scared—and I am. But not for the reasons I should be.
What if someone besides me finds out what North is? What if they find out and send him away? Away from me, from the life we’re building? Fuck, I couldn’t take that. I would probably die.
I look down at myself, at the constellation of North’s danger—his blood painting my body, the marks on my skin, the bruises on my wrists and hips from how he immobilized me and fucked me hard. No way will I give this up. North is fucking mine and he’s not going anywhere.
With effort, I sit up, my ass stinging and my body feeling the effects of his rough treatment. But I’ve never felt more alive than I do now.
North watches me, though his hand twitches as if he wants to help me. His eyes give nothing away, the blue-green orbs steady on mine, as if he’s studying me.
I place one shaky hand on his face while I use the other to grab his opposite wrist. “You’re hurt,” I repeat for the fortieth time. “Let’s get you cleaned up. Then we can talk.”
North nods, still assessing me. With agonizing slowness, he places both hands to my face, one of them covered in blood. I sigh and my eyes flutter shut. His warm hands on me settle something in my heart, an emotion I can’t quite put a finger on coursing through me. Relief? Happiness? Excitement? Anger?
I was almost hurt again. I was attacked in my home… again . A knife was held to my face and a maniac tried to make me go with him… wanted to do unspeakable things to me. Mr. Barlowe was an unhinged lunatic who tried to take me from North.
But North did what he said he would do. He promised no one would take me from him—that I was his—and he proved that. In more ways than I thought he would. He fucking bled for me and ended a life. For me .
Flicking my eyes open, I meet North’s concerned gaze and blurt out, “I love you. North, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you.”
Now that the words have forced themselves from my throat, I can’t stop saying them. They’re like a mantra, grounding me and making me feel sane. I have to let him know, let the world know that I am in love with North Sinclair.
My hands land over his wrists and I hold them tight as I keep professing my love. If I don’t get it out, I’ll go fucking insane. He heard me, I know he did, judging from his wide eyes and his gaped mouth, but I can’t stop.
“I love you. North, I love you. I do. I love—”
His mouth slamming down on mine cuts my words off, and I sigh against his tongue. As it was after he killed Mr. Barlowe, his kiss is rough and demanding. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Snatching his mouth from mine, North’s warm breath fans across my spit-soaked lips. “Fuck, Ranen. You know what I am. You saw what I did. How can you say you love me?”
I smile softly, still holding on to his wrists. “How could I not? No one has ever done anything like that for me before.” I kiss him again, then pull back. “But seriously, North. You’re. Hurt.” I emphasize the words so he doesn’t cut me off with a kiss or sex again. “I need to bandage you up and we can talk. Okay?”
He nods and helps me down from the counter. I wince, my hole stinging from how rough he was with me. My legs are wobbly from my orgasm and finally telling North how I feel about him, but I manage to keep them under me as we slowly walk to the bathroom.
I swallow back bile when I look down at Mr. Barlowe’s body, but it’s not like I’m sad he’s dead. He was a creep who attacked me in my apartment, then tried to offer his protection, like he wasn’t the one I needed protection from . I’m just sickened at seeing a dead body is all. I saw my grandfather after he passed, but he looked peaceful, like he was finally out of pain.
Mr. Barlowe looks anything but at peace. His eyes are wide open from shock, and his mouth is slack with a grimace. He looks small in death, small and frail and still a little crazed. Almost as if he can’t believe there were consequences for his actions.
I shiver, my face still stinging from Mr. Barlowe’s backhand and the ghost of that knife sliding across my skin. He came into my home twice and terrorized me. I’m glad he’s dead. I’m glad North killed him. Now he can never hurt another person.
“We can’t shower. Not yet,” North says as we head to my bathroom. “We have to get rid of that fucker in your kitchen.”
“How?” I ask. “Have you… have you done this before?”
North holds my gaze and nods slowly. A long, relieved breath leaves my lungs. God, I thought we’d be floundering around, trying to get rid of a body with no idea how to get it done. My mind has been racing with the logistics, wondering if we should indeed call the cops and pray they believe it was an act of self-defense.
But he’s done this before. He won’t get caught. The police won’t take him away from me.
With a wary expression, North rests me against the bathroom counter. “Are you afraid of me now?” He sounds… nervous. Like my answer will make or break him.
I look at him like he’s lost his mind. “What? No. North, if you wanted to hurt me like you did Mr. Barlowe, you’ve had so many opportunities to do so. I sleep around you, I’m naked around you, I have my guard down around you. You could easily have taken advantage of that many times over, but you haven’t.” I place my hand on his cheek, feeling his heavy pants drift across the skin of my wrist. “I’m not afraid of you. I’m afraid… I’m afraid someone will find out and take you away from me. I can’t…I can’t bear that.”
He cups my chin, holding me in place so I can look into the depths of his blazing eyes. Fuck, he’s so hot like this—his possessiveness feels almost physical. “No one is taking me away from you. I’d kill them if they tried.”
A smile spreads across my face. “Okay. Thank you.”
North dips his head, then grabs a damp cloth. He wets it and cleans the blood from my face and body. His arm still leaks blood, but it’s not as steady as it was before.
Once I’m clean, I grab the cloth and toss it into the hamper, then grab a fresh one to clean his arm. “How are we going to… get him out of here?”
“ We aren’t. Me and Dad are. He… knows what I do.”
“You kill people?” I ask, though I know the answer.
“Yes.”
“Both of you?”
A pause… then, “Yes.”
I nod. “Your brother too?”
“Yes.”
The cut on his arm isn’t bleeding too heavily anymore, so I reach under the bathroom sink to grab a bandage.
Before I can apply it, North stops me, holding my arm fast. “Why are you… Ranen, you’re okay with this? I really don’t scare you?”
“Of course you scare me, North, but not for the reasons you think.” I pull my arm away from his grip and slap the bandage on his wound. “I’m scared you have me so consumed with you that if you leave, I’ll fucking die. I’m scared you have this power to break me. I’m scared that this kind of love is wrong because it’s so all-consuming, so overwhelming. That’s what I’m scared of.”
North pulls his lips in, looking as if he wants to say something, but shakes his head. “Let me call Dad. Then we can talk.”
He moves to walk around me to exit the bathroom, but I grab his wrist. North turns back to me, a curious expression on his face. “It was him. He was the one. He called me… Pooh Bear.”
North’s face darkens and I see that danger creep back into his gaze. Why would he ever think being his true self would scare me? I want North just the way he is. I’ll show every part of him love. I’ll show every inch of him that he’s fucking perfect.
“I figured. I wish I’d killed him slower. He deserved torture for what he did to you.” He steps into me, wrapping one of his strong arms around my waist. It’s only then that I remember I’m naked, my cock head brushing against the hard fabric of his pants. The friction feels good—I’m barely able to keep a moan to myself. “I told you, anyone who tries to take you from me is dead.”
His lips are hard on mine and I whimper in his mouth, threading my fingers in his hair. North telling me he’d kill someone who tried to hurt me and watching him do it are two totally different things, and I can’t say I’m upset to have witnessed the end of Mr. Barlowe. He hurt me badly enough to land me in the hospital, with the promise to do it again. If North hadn’t killed him, Mr. Barlowe may have killed me.
I release his lips with a shaky breath, wanting more but knowing right now isn’t the time for me to get on my knees for him. Death shrouds the front of my home, making it feel ominous and foreboding. I know it’s because of the literal body in my kitchen, but it gives me the chills. When North fucked me on my kitchen island, I let him. The adrenaline from being so close to death was coursing through my veins. I needed to feel alive, like I was still here. Now, my head is clear and I see exactly what North did. The next time I have him inside me, I’d like there not to be a dead man on my kitchen floor.
Quickly, I step into my bedroom and slide on some pants and a shirt, then I go to my dresser and pull out a pair of pants for North to change into as well.
When I step out of the room, I spot North in the hallway, phone to his ear. “I need you here now, Dad.” A pause. “I know. I didn’t plan it. Look, I’ll—” His gaze flicks over to mine, a questioning look in his eyes. “Yeah, he’s fine. He saw the whole thing.” Another shorter pause. “Yeah, he’s still here. He’s amazing.” He nods, stripping off his blood-soiled pants. “Okay. I’ll tell him. See you soon.”
He hangs up his phone and finishes getting dressed, then he pulls a bag from my pantry and stuffs his clothes and mine into it. “Dad says hello.”
I chuckle at the almost normalness of it. North just told Atlas I saw him kill a man and he wanted to tell me hi? This is one weird family. “I’ll see him soon to say hello back, I assume?”
North nods. “He should be here within the hour. I’ll get started with clean-up, then—”
“No.” I move to the living room, sitting on the sofa, making sure to keep my back to the body. “Sit down with me. I feel… I feel weird.”
I must be coming down from the adrenaline high, my hands shaking and my heart thumping hard behind my rib cage. My head is swimming, and breathing is almost difficult. Unexpected tears cloud my vision. I shut my eyes, pushing them back. I won’t cry. I won’t cry because North did what needed to be done.
North sits down and wraps his arms around me, holding me close. I sigh, burrowing into his chest as I try to take in deep breaths. His whispered words and the slow circles he’s rubbing on my back help tremendously. After a few moments, my breathing evens out and my heart rate slows.
“A panic attack,” I explain to North when I look up at him and catch his worried eyes. “For the second time, someone has tried to kill me. I’m just… it’s taking a lot to wrap my head around, I guess.”
“Did he say anything to you?”
I nod and repeat what Mr. Barlowe said, and I get a sick feeling in my stomach at the memory of him basically calling me a whore.
“Flaunting your hot little ass in front of me, not giving me the time of day, but showing anyone with a dollar your hole.”
I’d assumed he was subscribed to my channel, but I wasn’t sure. His comment confirmed it. He was a fan who became obsessed with me, assuming that because I was a camboy, I’d sleep with him. He’d been a creep to me since I moved in, but it ramped up when I started camming. That should have been the first clue that he was a fucking creep and was trying to get me to… fall for him.
Bile rises in my throat, but I swallow it down. He’s dead. He can’t hurt me anymore.
North presses his forehead to mine. “You were so brave, Ranen. So brave. You did well, keeping yourself safe until I could come for you. I’m proud of you, baby.”
My chest swells, warmth coursing through me, chasing away the chill that the panic attack left behind.
Looking at me skeptically, North asks, “That panic attack wasn’t because of me? From what you saw me do?”
I’m not sure what I have to say to North for him to believe I’m not afraid of him, and never will be. Yes, he killed someone in front of me and admitted that he’s killed before, but… I don’t know. I can’t let him go. Most people would hear that and run for the hills, but to me, it’s just another thing about him. Not something I entirely hate, since he saved my life.
Sighing, I say, “No. There’s nothing you can tell me that will make me afraid of you, North.”
“What if I told you I knew you were in danger because I was watching your live stream before you were attacked? That I knew where you were because I had your address.”
My mouth drops open. I close it, then open it again, intent on saying something . When no words come out, I close my mouth once more. I stare at him for a few seconds, willing my words to burst free from my throat.
After swallowing several times, I ask, “Why?”
His shrug appears almost nonchalant, but his eyes give away his trepidation. He’s saying something that he thinks will frighten me. I can tell he wants to do anything but confess this secret, but feels like he has to. “I wanted to make sure you were okay. I felt like you were having some trouble and I wanted to be around in case something happened. I just…” North pauses and stares at me, swallowing hard before he says, “I just felt… drawn to you. From the first time I saw you. If you hadn’t been attacked, I wouldn’t have approached you. But I knew I could help. So I came. For you.”
If he’d told me that before Mr. Barlowe revealed his true colors, I would have thought North set this whole thing up to get to me. But North isn’t that type of person. He wouldn’t use sneaky tactics to get to me. He wouldn’t have used violence as a means to an end.
When he found me in the state I was in after I was beaten, anger reflected in his eyes. The type of emotion he displayed couldn’t be faked. He hadn’t shown up to hurt me more or get me to fall for him by saving me. He was just… saving me.
Despite how fucked up that information is, I smile and lean forward, planting a soft kiss against his lips. “Even that won’t make me afraid of you, North.”
A shudder rolls through his body, the look of relief clear on his face. “Fuck, Ranen.” He pulls me in for a hug, pressing me close to his chest. His heart is hammering, the heavy thuds making me smile. He’s alive, I’m alive, and we’re together. I’m here because of him. He saved me from Mr. Barlowe twice. He’s truly my knight in shining armor.
“You amaze me, Ranen,” North whispers against my lips, then brings me back in for a longer, deeper kiss.
I clamber onto his lap and wrap my arms around his neck. His calloused hands drop to my ass, holding me firmly.
This is fucked up. So fucked up. A man is lying dead in my kitchen, the heavy weight of his murder pressing in on me, but I can’t think about Mr. Barlowe when all I can feel, all I can smell, all I can taste is North. Nothing else matters, nothing else is important. Just him. Only him.
Until loud banging sounds at my front door.
I snatch my lips from North’s, my heart in my throat. Fuck, it’s the police. Someone must have heard the scuffle between me and Mr. Barlowe, or North and him, or maybe that wild scream he let out, and called the cops.
I turn wide eyes to North, my breathing coming out choppy. “Is it the police? How do they know? Fuck, North—”
“Breathe,” he murmurs, cutting me off and placing his hand on my chest. “It’s just Dad. No one is coming for me. No one will take me away from you.”
A relieved breath burst from my lips. I kiss him again, crushing my lips to his. “Okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to freak out.”
North chuckles, then plants a kiss to my forehead. “It’s okay, baby. Stay here. I’ll answer the door.”
I nod and climb off his lap, tucking my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.
He takes a step towards the door but hesitates, turning to look back at me. His expression is so intense it takes my breath away. “I love you too, Ranen.”
Yeah, I’m dead. I can’t fucking breathe. North loves me? He loves… me? Either I’m dreaming or I’m the luckiest man in the world.
I’ve always felt… lacking in some way when it comes to North. Like he could do better than a small, slim, boring man like me. That he was possibly passing the time until we got rid of the person who was after me, then he’d be gone. But he loves me. That means he’ll stick around, right? I sure fucking hope so.
I wasn’t kidding when I told him I couldn’t bear life without him. My days would be bleak, boring, not really worth living if he left me. He’s shown me what life could be like if I shared it with someone I truly enjoy. I fell for him hard and fast, my heart becoming his before I was even consciously aware of it.
North checks the peephole, a sigh leaving his lips. “I’m sorry about this, Ranen.” Then he opens the door.
My eyebrows scrunch, wondering what he’s talking about. Is he sorry because it really is the cops and they’re coming to arrest him? My heart thunders and tears brim in my eyes.
Instead of the police, or even Atlas stepping inside the door, a tall, muscular man with wild brown hair and whiskey-colored eyes saunters inside like he owns the place.
He looks around as if assessing the room, eyes bouncing off every surface. First landing on the body, then on me. A smile stretches his face, though it doesn’t look friendly or happy. It looks… fake. An approximation of what he assumes a smile is supposed to look like. I shrink back, looking at North with an almost pleading expression.
“Ranen,” the wild man says, my name rolling off his tongue in a tone that borders on surprise. “You’re what all the fuss is about.”