59. HUNTER
59
W e’re watching a movie on a Wednesday night, when Jason gasp next to me, glancing at his phone. “What the fuck?”
“What?” I ask.
His eyes grow wide, an amused grin on his face, and I give him a bored look, assuming he’s gushing over some chick again.
“Charlotte is here.”
“What?” I repeat while my heart feels like it’s jumping out of my chest, a small smile tugging at the corner of my mouth.
“She’s standing in front of the gate, demanding I send you out.”
“How does she even know I’m here?”
“Lucky guess?”
I rub my hand over my face in confusion, wondering if I missed something, then look at my friend quietly as I get up to walk out the door. Wearing nothing but sweats, I punch the code of the security system to open up the gate door, then walk out on my bare feet.
The white concrete feels cold underneath my skin, while the sun is about to set between the hills in front of me. A smile splits my face when I watch that dark blonde wavy hair walk through the gate, a taxi still parked in front.
“Well, this is a surprise.” I walk toward her, my arms wide, ready to pull her into a hug until I notice the scowl on her pretty face. My gaze roams over her entire body, slowly registering the cloud of thunder she’s approaching me with. She’s wearing a pink sweat suit, with bags underneath her eyes that furrow my brows with worry, and when I can take a closer look, her hair seems messier than I’ve ever seen it before. She looks exhausted.
“Are you okay, Charls?”
“My mother died,” she blurts, her clear-water eyes shooting daggers at me with an ice-cold expression. What?
A tightness forms in my chest instantly, nausea piling up in my stomach as my eyes grow wide. That's not possible. She was doing better. I would’ve known if she was sick again. Charlotte would’ve told me.
“What? When? I thought the treatment was going well.” My voice cracks as I bite my lip, not understanding what’s going on. Hoping this is a joke, a mistake, or whatever it could be to make it not true. Because there is no way. There is no way I missed this. But guilt also scrawls up my spine, knowing I haven’t been there for her lately.
“It was,” she sneers. “She was going to fully recover. Was finally strong enough to enjoy life again.”
I swallow hard; the blood rushing from my face, softly shaking my head.
“I don’t understand.”
She gives me a false smile, and my heart breaks, witnessing the hurt in her eyes as they well up. They are lethal to me, effectively killing me from the inside out.
“She got hit by a truck driving home. He was drunk.”
No.
“Charls.”
No, this is not true.
“Don’t.” She raises her hand, closing her eyes to take a breath, before they open again .
“When?”
“Last week.” Her voice shakes as she gives me an intense stare that scares the shit out of me, a cold chill covering my shoulders like a wet blanket. “You know? That time that I called you excessively because I needed you and you texted me, ‘I’m in the middle of something. Will call you later’ ? And then you didn’t. You brushed me off like some annoying little girl, begging for your attention.” She clenches her jaw, and her nostrils flare as her voice becomes louder with every word. “But really, I was begging for my best friend, because I needed his comforting words. His smile to brighten up my now pitch-black world. I needed one of his lame jokes to make the pain in my chest lift for just one second. I needed you, goddamnit!” she shouts, her pain hitting every single one of my organs with slicing realization.
Heat creeps up over every inch of my skin, a sheer contrast with the shivering of the bristle hairs on my back. My eyes go wide, letting out a strangled cry when I realize exactly what day she’s talking about. No. No. Fuck no!
“You missed the fucking funeral, asshole! You know the funny part? I’ve waited for my mother to die since I was eight. I prepared myself for years, waiting for the train to arrive at the station, and when it did, it still hit me in the fucking face.”
“I-I’m so sorry,” I push out, dragging my hands over my face, before I reach out for her to give in to my need to hold her against my chest while cursing myself. I should’ve listened to my gut. I should’ve told Laurie to get over her insecurities.
I should’ve answered the goddamn phone!
“Don’t touch me.” She slaps my hand away. “Don’t touch me when you’re still too much of a coward to say it!”
“Say what?”
She raises her chin in the air, a scowl in place. “Tell me you love me. Tell me you love me, because I know you do! We keep pretending we’re friends, when we’ve always been more than that. You love me. Admit it.”
Processing her words, I stare at her, the wind of the hills gushing through my messy hair, feeling an aching pain in the back of my throat.
I want to give her those words and make it all better. I don’t know shit about love, but if there is anything that comes close to it stored inside of me, it’s reserved for her.
And only her.
No one compares to her, and I know it.
She’s the only thing that ever made me doubt taking that leap of faith, willing to risk it all. I might be engaged to someone else, but most days, I don’t even know why, because Charlotte still lingers in the back of my head, deep in my soul, a part of me. But crossing that line means there is no way back.
She will expect everything from me.
And she deserves it all. She deserves better.
“Sometimes love isn’t enough.”
She shakes her head. “For who? For me? Or for you? Because I never asked you for more. I don’t give a shit about your money, your cars, the life you’re living. For me, love is enough. You are enough. It’s you that needs more than that. It’s me who isn’t enough for you. It was never the other way around. Tell me, Hunter!” she demands, her voice becoming more frantic with each sentence while her eyes turn glassy. “Tell me we are going to cut this bullshit right now and admit you love me, or I’ll walk away once and for all. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending. Tell me you love me, or set me free. Let me go. Please. ” Her pleading look is devastating.
“Charlotte.” I don’t even know what else to say as she’s slipping away, knowing this is the end, yet praying it isn’t. My heart pounds a few times, loud and painful, before her humorless snicker hits me in the face .
“You know, one day you are going to look around, thinking what the fuck am I doing? And my face will appear, telling you I told you so.”
“What do you suggest I do?” I ask, my hands tucked inside the pockets of my sweatpants. My mind goes back to the moment I heard Logan and my dad were in an accident, feeling the exact same way right now.
Helpless.
Alone.
Unworthy.
“None of this would’ve happened if you would just get your head out of your ass and come home!”
“Come home? I’m engaged.”
“So? We both know she doesn’t mean shit to you.” She cocks her eyebrow, folding her arms in front of her body.
“That’s not true.” I shake my head, not sure why I keep lying to her. To myself.
“Yeah? Is that why you are hanging out with Jason five nights a week? Why you sleep more in your old room in this big ass house than sharing the bed with your fiancée ?” She fiercely holds my gaze, pointing at the glass house, and I just stare back at her. “Tell me I’m wrong, Hunt! Tell me I’m full of shit and that you love her. That you want to grow old with her, have a bunch of babies and sit on a porch with her when you’re all gray and wrinkly and I’ll leave right now. Tell me! ”
I can’t. But I can’t give her what I want either.
“I have nothing left there. What’s there to come home to?”
“Right.” Her face falls, and I close my eyes as I pinch the bridge of my nose at my poor choice of words.
“Charls, I didn’t—”
“No, you completely made your point.” She smiles sadly, her green eyes dejected.
“See, that’s exactly it,” I yell, my frustration tipping over as I throw my hands in the air. “I screw up anything that comes remotely close to love.”
Her lips are firmly pressed together. “It’s only eight letters, Hunter.”
“But they are not made for me!” I bawl.
“It’s funny.” A laugh leaves her lips, yet her eyes don’t join them. They stay as vicious as the devil himself, bringing me even more of a clarification of the finality of this conversation. “You get your ass kicked for a living, and you have more money in the bank than you can spend, but you don’t have the guts to face your biggest fear.”
She’s right. I’m a coward. There’s no sense in denying it. But I’d rather be a coward than hurt her any more than I’ve already done.
“Love is not made for me.” I shake my head.
“Goddamn, Hunter! That’s not a choice you get to make! You can’t decide if love is for you or not. It just fucking happens.”
“You deserve more, baby!!” My voice breaks, shouting out the words that have been running through my head since the first day I met her. “You deserve a good guy, someone who would do anything for you. Who will keep you safe and chase your demons away. Who will give you a family! That’s not me. I am the villain in this story. The fighter. The rebel. Destined to break your heart because I don’t have one anymore. You deserve more than my broken soul.”
Her head tilts, taking in my words. “What if there isn’t more for me?” She waits, then shakes her head. “Don’t answer that question.”
“There is more for you, Charls. One day, you’ll run into some good guy, with a good job, who makes you laugh, and gives you everything you need. ”
“I need you , Hunter,” she hisses, rage radiating from her gorgeous eyes. “I’ve always needed you . But it turns out, you’ll always need everything else.”
It feels like a knife cracks open my chest and slices right through my heart. If only I was selfish enough to tell her she couldn’t be more wrong. “I’m so sorry, baby.”
“Yeah, so am I.” A tear runs down her cheek, making me inhale a sharp breath, my heart pounding against my chest. “But you know what? I owe you a thank you. Because I finally realized that it’s what I’ve been doing my entire life. Taking care of everyone. Always ready to drop what I’m doing to do whatever everyone wants, even though I want to do something completely different. Feeling like it’s my sole purpose to help everyone around me. But it’s not. I get that now. I’m done with taking care of everyone else, when the only one I should take care of is me. So thank you. You made me realize that I shouldn’t expect anything in return, making it that much easier to focus on myself.” She gives me a coy smile through her tears. “Have a nice life, Hunter Hansen. You deserve the world. And I mean that. I’ll see you in another life.”
No.
She turns around, strutting away from me, and without thinking, I follow her tracks, pulling her back by her arm when we reach the sidewalk in front of my gate.
“No, don’t leave,” I yelp, desperate. Not even knowing what I will do without her. I’ve tried that. We didn’t speak for a year, and I felt numb the entire time. Like someone took away a piece of me. I don’t deserve her, but I can’t fathom the thought of not having her in my life either.
“Don’t touch me!” She tugs her arm free as she glares up at me. “And don’t follow me. Don’t call me. We are done, Hunter. It’s over.” With big and determined strides, she walks back to the taxi, ordering the driver to leave .
It’s over.
The words echo through my head, keeping my feet glued to the pavement, not knowing what to do while the car starts to move. No. No. No.
“Charls,” I bellow, feeling the panic creep into my body, pulling on my hair. “Charls! Charls! CHARLOTTE!”
My voice sounds more frantic every time I call out her name, but the cab keeps going, disappearing around the corner and leaving me on the sidewalk as the world blurs around me.
She’s gone.
I don’t know how long I’ve been standing there, looking at the corner she disappeared around, but when I turn my head, Jason is standing on the front steps of the house, his hands tucked into his sweats with slumped shoulders. His expression is sympathetic, telling me he witnessed the entire thing.
“Did you know?” My chest slowly moves up and down, my eyebrows knitted together as I hold my best friend’s gaze, wondering if he kept this vital piece of information from me. But my lips part with relief when he shakes his head, confusion etched in his dark blue eyes.
“No. She didn’t tell me either.”
I squat down, burying my face in my hands. I haven’t cried since the day I lost half my family, but it’s like a dam has broken, my torso shaking with every sob that comes out. How did I screw it up this bad? I have everything I ever wanted, yet I manage to lose the one thing that really matters. I’d give it all up if it means I can be a better man for her.
I’m a mess, functioning on autopilot, when Jason hauls me up and drags me back into the house. My vision is blurred, my throat sore, and when my gaze lands on the bottle of Jack Daniels sitting on the counter, I swipe it up. I screw off the cap, then take a big swig. The burning liquid surges through my gullet, and I close my eyes, waiting, hoping, praying it will take away some of the pain.
When they fly back open, Jason is giving me a stern look, standing on the other side of the island. “What?”
He doesn’t reply, but just shakes his head with a look that questions my sanity.
“She’s my best friend, Jason. And I’m supposed to be hers, but I’m too much of an asshole to answer my phone when her motherfucking mother dies!” I rub the back of my neck, having no clue what the fuck I’m doing.
“She has never been your fucking best friend!” he snaps, incredulously. His features harden, and the look in his eyes tells me it’s a good thing there’s two square feet of marble between us, or he would’ve launched at me. “Don’t you dare keep feeding me that lie!”
“It’s not a lie,” I counter, a little less fire in my voice as I bring the bottle to my lips again.
“Bullshit. You keep pretending that she’s your best friend and maybe you’ve got feelings for her, when really, you’ve loved her since day one. Day fucking one, Hunter. This isn’t some best friends to lovers bullshit. You and Charlotte? That’s fucking love at first sight.”
“It wasn’t love at first sight for Charlotte.” I huff, rolling my eyes at his comment.
“I wasn’t talking about her.”
I frown as I look at him with a dazed face.
“You think I didn’t notice the secret glances since freshman year? And when you and her finally started talking, there was only one thing that was important. You bent over backwards to make sure you could spend time with her every chance you got. It was fucking annoying, but you’ve loved her from day one, asshole! ”
He stays quiet, but his eyes are boring through me with a scowl in place. I swallow, then stare at the infinity pool in the backyard to avoid it.
“She called me,” I confess in a monotone voice. “And I ignored her, because Laurie didn’t want me to talk to her.” I croak the last of the admission, rubbing my eyes with my hands, trying to push the emotion away. I knew it was the wrong thing to do, still regretting it the next day. But now I hate myself for it. Hate that I listened to Laurie’s insecurity when I knew something was going on.
I’m an asshole.
“That’s fucked up, Hunter.”
“She hates me now.”
“Yeah, well, you break it, you buy it, man.” A cynical chuckle leaves his lips, and I snap out of it, shooting him a glare. “I’m not joking. You fucked up, big time. Now fix it. Stop acting like fucking Big Bird, putting your head in the ground, and sign that fucking deal. You’ve been dying since you first laid eyes on her.”
“Why you talking about my girl like she’s a fucking business transaction?” I sneer, not liking the fact he talks like it’s all so simple.
“Because you do weird stuff like call her ‘my girl,’ but then freeze when I tell you to fucking go and actually make her your girl. You’re engaged to someone else! She’s not your girl. But you can make her.”
I blink, staring at Jason in silence, my chest moving up and down rapidly as his words seem to cut through my body like the needle of a tattoo machine. Annoyingly. Harrowing.
“What are you so afraid of, man?”
“That she’ll leave. Permanently ,” I admit. “That one day, I’ll wake up, and she’s not there. Gone, like them .”
“She won’t leave willingly. Not you. She’ll never leave you. So, if you are scared of her leaving like your brother and your father? Then yeah, that can happen. But is the chance of that happening scarier than living without her?”
There are a lot of things going through my head right now, but it’s mostly, it’s panic. Panic of what the fuck have I done? Panic at what the hell am I doing? Panic at how the fuck can I fix this? Panic at the thought of my heart physically jumping out of my chest as it pounds against my ribcage like it’s in a damn hockey game. The thought of losing her feels like a tight grasp around my throat, suffocating me more by the second.
“I don’t deserve her.”
“You’re right,” he says with a matter-of-fact tone, “you don’t. Especially not after tonight.” He pauses, and I close my eyes. “But if you are just half the man I think you are, you’ll use the rest of your life to become the man she does deserve!”
My eyes fly open, colliding with my best friend’s features that scream something like duh, asshole.
“She deserves better. But she wants you ,” he adds. “Are you really going to quit the best thing that ever happened to you?”
“No,” I cry out, running my hand through my hair, releasing out a feral moan, then letting my feet carry me to the couch with the bottle in a tight grasp.
“So, what are you going to do?” Jason calls out behind me.
“Numb the pain.”
“Are you going to win her back?”
“Ask me again when I’m too shitfaced to lie to you about it.”