It’s Your Time Now
it’s your time now
julian
I’d been at Zion’s for about an hour watching a game before I decided to go ahead and ask him, keeping my eyes on the game when I did.
“You and Taryn.” I kept my tone flat. “Y’all were friends a long time before anything. Years.”
“Mmhm,” he didn’t look over at me.
“When did it turn. For you. When’d you know you wanted…” I rolled a hand, looking for the words. “When did you know that you were done doing the thing you were doing, and wanted the other thing instead?”
He was silent for too long, and when I glanced over he was cheesing at me, delighted.
“Oh,” he said. “This is about Alyssa.”
“It’s a general question.”
He muted the TV and smiled wider. “I’m about to win the pot.”
“You bet on me?”
“Everybody bet on you. Took you too long enough to figure it out, which, smart as you are, is honestly a little pathetic.” He leaned back, pleased with himself. “Go ’head. Ask it straight.”
I stared at the muted game. “You were never a relationship guy,” I said finally. “Before Taryn.”
“Neither were you. Before Alyssa.”
“I still might not be. It’s different with me.”
“It’s clinical with you,” he laughed. “You’d sit a woman down like it was a closing. Here’s the terms, here’s what this is, here’s what it’s not, sign here.” He shrugged. “Point is, none of us were built for it. So I understand what you’re wrestling with.”
“How’d you know? With Taryn.”
“Wasn’t one moment. It was that she was already in everything. She’d been around for years, I enjoyed having her around. Looked forward to seeing her actually. Then one day I clocked that I’d been arranging my whole week around when I’d see her.” He looked at me. “Sound familiar?”
I didn’t answer that.
“Answer something else instead,” he said. “You picture her with some other man. Small town, she’s pretty, some man who hasn’t put himself in the friend zone, asks her out, walks her to her door, gives her a goodnight kiss.” He watched my face while he described the scene. “How’s that sit with you?”
It didn’t sit. It pissed me off, actually and Zion saw it on my face.
“Yep,” he said. “That’s how you know.”
“She’s not looking for that,” I deflected. “She came out of a bad situation. She’s not trying to date anybody. We’re the same that way. Neither of us wants—”
“Julian,” he cut me off. “She’s not like you.
She’s not gonna run her heart like a spreadsheet for the rest of her life.
Not looking is a season for her, not a life sentence.
Some man’s gonna come along when she’s ready, and she’s gonna let him, because she’s a woman who knows how to love somebody.
You can see it on her. You think she stays single forever because you were too scared to jump? ”
I didn’t have a thing to put against that, so I didn’t try.
“I like her. A lot,” I admitted. “A whole lot. It’s easy. I don’t have to be anything with her. I’m not managing the room. I’m just…” I searched for words. “I’m doing things I don’t do. Half the time I don’t even notice I’m doing them till they’re done.”
“Bruh. That’s not a riddle. That’s a woman you could build something real with. You’ve already started building it. You’re just refusing to call it what it is.”
“I can’t give her a future, Zion. That’s not me. You know why.”
“I know exactly why you think that,” he set his drink down.
“But you can, Jules. You’re allowed. There’s no rule that says you’re the one who only gets to give, and never gets to have.
You’ve spent your life making sure every single one of us got ours.
You sacrificed more than any of us have.
You buried things so we wouldn’t have to. We’re good now.”
I nodded slowly.
“Maybe it’s your time now. You ever think that?
Maybe you found someone worth being scared for, and you get to keep it.
” His voice cracked. “You deserve this, Julian. You deserve to choose somebody and have her choose you back. I want that for you. You’re built for it.
So whatever’s going on up in that head, I hope to God you get out of your own way long enough to let it happen. ”
I looked at the muted game again. “Mhm,” was all I could say with a slight nod, absorbing everything he’d said for a moment.
“Who's got the long shot on this bet?” I asked eventually.
He looked at me. "What kind of question is that?”
"An information-gathering question. Who?”
"Tre. Ten months out. He thinks you're a lost cause. Khaz has four. Aunt Lorraine has Christmas. Simone lost last month. She’s secretly pissed at you by the way.”
I laughed. "And the closest?"
"Me. I had this month."
"Mm." I took a sip. "Tre's might be about to come into some money."
Zion sucked his teeth. “Bruh. You're not gonna sit on this just to make me lose. After I just gave you the best advice of your life?”
"Depends on whether your advice holds up." I shrugged.
He laughed then turned the sound back on.