Chapter Twenty-Eight
I squeeze my eyes closed once more.
I’m a six-year-old boy again, seeing my beautiful mother with ugly burn scars. I see myself recoiling from the woman who gave me life. The woman I loved so much.
“It’s okay,” Skye says.
“It’s not okay. It’ll never be okay. What kind of child thinks his mother is repulsive?”
“A six-year-old who’s expecting to see his beautiful mother after being without her for weeks.”
“I’ve heard it all, Skye. I’ve heard all the reasons why this feeling was valid at the time.”
“Did you still love your mother?”
I glare at her. “Of course I did!”
“And did you grow used to her scarring?”
“Yes, within days. She was still Mom.”
“Then what are you blaming yourself for?”
I rub my chin. “She was never the same.”
“Wasn’t she? You were six, Braden. Are you sure you’re remembering right?”
I shake my head. “No, I’m not sure. I’ve been around and around on this with my therapist.”
“Have you considered that you weren’t the problem? Maybe your father was. The fire was his fault, after all.”
I nod slightly.
I know. My therapist and I have been through this. I know. But it still haunts me, how I feel I rejected my mother when she came home.
“She and my dad were never the same after that, either,” I continue. “She had to stay with him. She had nowhere else to go, plus she had Ben and me.”
“Did she love your dad?”
“In her way, yeah, I think she did. But…things were never the same.”
“How so?”
I chuckle. “In some ways, things were better. Dad stopped drinking, but he had trouble finding work for a while. We lived in a mobile home rental, and we could barely afford that. So we went on government assistance, which my mom and dad both hated.”
She listens intently.
I can see her thinking. Her brain working. How this is where my need for control over my life and others’ was born.
And she’s not wrong, though it’s not quite that simple.
“What eventually happened to your mom?” she asks hesitantly.
“She died.”
“I know that much.”
“I don’t like to think about it,” I say. “I still feel somewhat responsible.”
“You’re not.”
“There are things you don’t know. Things no one knows. You can say the words. I can even believe them. But none of it changes anything.”
She snuggles against my chest and gives me a hug.
“Stop, Braden. Don’t go any further. I don’t want you to hurt.”
I kiss the top of her head. “You’re sweet. So sweet and amazing. You’re giving me an out that I never gave you.”
“You did. You said you’d give me the time I needed. I just didn’t need as much time.”
“I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you,” I say. “But if I figure it out, I’ll do it again a million different times.”
“You don’t have to.” She kisses the top of my hand. “You already have me.”
“And you have me,” I say, “though sometimes I wonder why anyone would want me.”
She pulls back slightly. “You’re kidding, right?”
“You know I never kid, Skye.”
“You’re the catch of the century!”
“Only on paper.”
“Green paper,” she adds.
I wrinkle my brow.
“Wait,” she says. “That didn’t come out right.”
“Sure it did. I’m loaded. You’re not the only one attracted to my money.”
“The money’s a nice fringe benefit. I won’t lie. But that’s not what I meant, and you know it. It was a joke, Braden.”
“I know. I never thought you were after my money. I pursued you, remember?”
She smiles. “You did. And I resisted, even though you were the most attractive man I’d ever met.”
“It’s your nature to resist. It’s what drew me to you.”
“I was a challenge,” she says.
“You still are.”
“Am I? You’re not going to dump me now that you have me?”
“Why would I do that?”
“What if you want something I can’t give you?” she asks.
“Did you dump me when you wanted something I couldn’t give you?”
“No. You dumped me.”
“Only because you needed to figure things out before I could take you further into the lifestyle. I don’t want you in the lifestyle for the wrong reason, Skye. You could get hurt.”
She nods. “I know. I understand that now.”
“This lifestyle isn’t for the faint of heart. I know that, and so do you. It has to be something we both enjoy for the right reasons. In the beginning, I saw your controlling nature, but I sensed part of it was a facade. Part of you seemed submissive to me, and I wanted to wake up that dormant part of you. But then things went a little awry.”
“Meaning?”
“I fell in love.”
“So did I.”
“If I didn’t love you, maybe I’d be okay with taking you through all the steps of the lifestyle for the wrong reasons, but you mean more to me than that. I couldn’t do it. If it’s any consolation, ending things with you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
She scoffs softly. “You didn’t even do a very good job.”
“You’re right about that. I couldn’t let you go, Skye. I went running to your parents, hoping I could find some clue as to why you wanted the breath control so much. Then, once you arrived, you know the results. I couldn’t stay away.”
“Neither could I, obviously.”
“But I promised myself I wouldn’t take you back to the lifestyle until you could answer the question I posed. You see, Skye, the lifestyle isn’t about punishment, even though I will punish you from time to time. But it’s my choice to punish you. Not yours.”
“I understand all that, Braden.”
“I believe you’re beginning to.”
“Beginning to?”
“That’s not an insult. It’s just an accurate statement. You said yourself that this is a journey.”
“It is. I also think your lifestyle is a journey.”
“I don’t disagree. But it’s a journey I must have control over. I choose what we do, and you can then choose whether to consent to me or say no.”
“I understand. Truly. Perhaps I said those words before and didn’t actually understand, but now I do.”
I nod. “Then perhaps we’re ready to go back to the club.”