Chapter 27
LINDSAY
Ember had dropped me off after I got in late in the night. As soon as she’d greeted me at the airport, she’d known I was in trouble.
It had taken some arguing, but at least I’d eventually convinced her that I just needed to get some sleep. The compromise we’d reached was that today would be a girls’ day and that I wasn’t allowed to try to get out of it at all.
I’d given in because I really had been weighed down with bone-deep exhaustion and was desperate to tumble into my own bed. It’d seemed like the fastest and easiest way to get her to stop looking at me like she was afraid she needed to take me for mental observation instead of my house.
Now that it was morning and I’d had a shower, I regretted agreeing to her terms. Not that I hadn’t missed her or didn’t want to spend time with her. I wanted both of those things desperately. I just didn’t want to hear her take on how Jaxon leaving the way he had was for the best.
I felt like I’d gone several rounds with an Amazonian warrior princess as it was. I didn’t have it in me to have to be realistic about it right now.
Jaxon didn’t have the power to break me, but he’d definitely left me feeling tender. Having to endure more emotional blows when I was in rough shape already wasn’t something I was looking forward to.
I’d texted her earlier to be gentle with me, which was a request I hadn’t made of anyone before and she knew it. My best friend wasn’t one to pull her punches, though. My fragile state and her idea of gentle might not be well matched.
Which was why I held an extra-strength cup of coffee in my hands, facing the window in my living room and bracing myself for making it through another world of pain today when she unlocked my front door.
“I brought vanilla, peanut brittle, strawberry swirl, and blueberry,” she said, calling out all my favorite ice-cream flavors, and slammed the door behind her. “Where are you? What was with that text this morning? It didn’t sound like you at all.”
She came to an abrupt halt when she spotted me, dropping her shopping bags at her sides, and gave me a long onceover before she came rushing at me. She just about tackled me into her hug, stroking my hair and holding me tight when my tears rose again purely from being in her arms.
Tepid brown liquid sloshed over the side of the mug between us, but neither of us seemed to care.
What is it about seeing moms or best friends that just makes it feel okay to cry?
Ember led me over to the couch, took the coffee from me, and set it down before patting her shoulder. “Okay, girl. Lay it on me. What in the hell happened to you? You look like shit.”
“Thanks.” I managed a small smile. “You mean you don’t like my new look?”
“I don’t know.” The corners of her lips pressed in as she swept her gaze across my face before I laid my head down on her offered shoulder.
“Pale skin, glazed-over, puffy eyes, and a pinched expression like you’re a walking ball of anguish might not be the best look for anyone.
It’s definitely not a good look on you.”
“I didn’t think so either.” I exhaled heavily, screwing my eyes shut to keep the tears at bay. “What have I done to my life, Em? I feel like I’ve fucked it all up and I have no idea how to get back to it.”
She twined her fingers into my hair, and the shaking of her head moved my hair. “You haven’t fucked anything up. Will left you, which obviously changes your life a little bit from what it was before, but you don’t want to get back to that anyway.”
“No, I don’t, but I just don’t feel like I have control over anything right now.” My gaze zeroed in on her dropped packages. “Hang on. We’re going to need a solid breakfast for this conversation.”
Chuckling lightly as she got up, she retrieved the ice cream, stashed the tubs we weren’t going to have right now in my freezer, and took the spoon I held out to her. “It’s the breakfast of champions, but only if we have some fresh coffee with it.”
We spent a few minutes getting ourselves organized before heading back to the couch and settling in for the heavy part of the day. Hopefully once it was done, we’d get to watch horror movies and stuff our faces with pizza.
“I can see I’ve been going about this all wrong,” Ember said once we were seated. “This Jaxon didn’t just feel like a holiday fling to you, did he?”
“Nope.” I ground my teeth at the mention of his name out loud. “I know it sounds really stupid, and I know thousands of people make out with other tourists in tropical destinations all the time, but it just didn’t feel like that to me.”
“That’s why you asked me to be gentle?” she said quietly. “You don’t want to hear me talking about it like I have been.”
I made a noncommittal sound. “I know what you’ve been saying is true. Don’t get me wrong. It just hurts to hear it.”
“I’m sorry.” She gave me another quick hug. “I really didn’t understand until I saw you last night.”
“It’s not your fault.” I squeezed her back. “I’m the one who ran headfirst into a brick wall of muscles, tattoos, and guaranteed heartbreak and still went for it.”
“If it makes any difference at all, I’m proud of you for going for it. I know it might not feel like it right now, but you’re going to look back at this experience one day and be happy about it. You’ve learned from this, and that’s why you’re going to look back at it fondly.”
I laughed as we separated, but the sound was humorless and sad. “It’s going to take some time for me to get there.”
“It will, but you’ll get there eventually.”
“What if I don’t want to?” I asked, revealing the actual crux of my innermost problem.
“Jaxon made me feel things I’ve never felt before.
Tingles, butterflies, that crazy need for someone that makes you feel like you’re going to explode if they don’t just take you right now.
What if I don’t want to look back at it fondly because I don’t want to let it go at all? ”
“If you want tingles and butterflies, then that’s what you’ll have. Just maybe not with him.”
“That’s the problem, though. I’ve only ever felt it with him. I know you don’t believe in love at first sight, and frankly, neither do I. But the chemistry between us was insane. It felt like a once-in-a-lifetime, forged-by-the-universe kind of connection.”
“Forged by the universe?” she repeatedly slowly. “Girl, who have you been speaking to? Because none of that sounds like you.”
I told her about Big Mac and his observations about our relationship. “I couldn’t disagree with him. Everything he said felt spot on.”
Her gaze held mine, and once she’d worked through the confusion of hearing me spouting off about the universe, she smiled. “Then you’re lucky to have had it at all.”
I nearly fell off the couch. “Now who’s the one sounding like she’s been body snatched?”
“No, it’s not like that. It just kind of proves my point that your trip, and even the way it ended, is nothing to be sad about.
” Her hand shot out to grip my shoulder.
“You got to parasail, Linds. You swam with sharks and had sex with an amazing guy. You got to experience the kind of connection other people can only dream about. That’s one hell of a fucking trip. You can’t possibly be sad about that.”
“Maybe not, but I can still miss the guy who made it possible.” My voice was too small for my liking, and Ember sniffed in response.
“Jaxon didn’t make it possible. He was simply along for the ride.
You, my friend, are the one who made it possible.
You’re the one who went to Fiji instead of hiding away at home, you’re the one who grabbed all those opportunities with both hands, and you’re the one who put on your damn lingerie and walked out of that room. ”
While she spoke, my spine straightened out and some of those doubts I’d been having about myself melted away. “You’re right.”
“Of course, I am.” She broke out into a wide grin.
“It’s okay to miss him, Linds. As much as I really believe it made it easier for you that he left without a long drawn-out goodbye and promises being made that neither of you would know if you could keep, it’s also normal to feel like there’s some unfinished business there. ”
“So how do I get over him?” It didn’t escape my notice that Will was no longer coming up in the conversation at all.
While I was still not happy about the fact that he walked out without even telling me he was calling off the wedding, I couldn’t help but be grateful that he had called it off.
If there was one thing this week had shown me, it was that marrying him would’ve been an even bigger mistake than trusting Jaxon had been.
In fact, if I ever saw my ex again, I might even buy him a beer to thank him. Then we’d also have to have a conversation about the polite, decent way to go about letting someone know you were leaving them.
Ember, meanwhile, was still pondering my earlier question.
“You’re going back to work tomorrow, right?
Maybe that will be a good distraction while you figure out how to get over him.
It’s not like I can suggest getting under someone else to get over him, seeing as how he was the someone else you got under. ”
Her eyes shone with humor over her joke, and I couldn’t hold back a tiny burst of laughter even as I smacked her arm.
“That wasn’t what I was doing and you know it.
Be that as it may, I do have to go back to work and I’ll probably have to spend the next week going over the shitload of messages I missed.
So yeah, it will definitely be a good distraction. ”
Hopefully.
“You can’t even pretend to complain about having to go back through so many messages. I know how much you love your job. There’s no point trying to hide it from me.”
“I’m not trying to. I love that I have to go back. I really need it. I just…” I didn’t even know anymore.
Ember, as it turned out, did know. “You just need some time to process everything that’s happened and to try to put your vacation romance behind you.”
“That’s exactly it.” I needed to get to a point where I didn’t automatically reach for his hand when a thought hit me, and when I didn’t keep expecting to feel him slinging his arm around my shoulders or tugging me against his warm chest from behind.
“I need to figure out how to close my eyes without seeing his.”
“How about we replace some of those images of him with people being murdered on screen? Would that make you feel better?”
“Yes.” Watching some violent movies might ease the urge I had to look him up only so I could punch him right in his handsome face. It would probably end up hurting me more than it did him, but I’d taken some self-defense classes. I was eighty-percent sure I wouldn’t break my thumb if I tried it.
Ember hopped off the couch to grab the remote and more ice cream, and we spent the rest of the day talking and watching movies. Ultimately, I still wished things had ended differently with Jaxon.
If I’d just had the closure of having spoken to him before we left, like I’d been planning on doing, I felt like there wouldn’t be this huge, gaping wound in my chest. Even if he’d shot me down when I suggested we try a real relationship, at least I would’ve known where we’d been standing all along.
Instead, I just felt hurt and confused.
Jaxon was exactly what I’d needed out of that trip, but he’d still left me all cut up inside. It was less than ideal, and if I ever saw him again, he was definitely not also getting a thank-you beer from me.