Chapter 30
SAMANTHA
Iwoke up in my own bed for the first time in nearly two months.
It was both good and bad. I had tucked tail and run away last night.
Not really ran away. I did have permission.
Sunday morning I went to Honcho and asked him for a few days off.
They could manage without me. They only had a few practice runs. I’d be back before the next show.
Thankfully, the man had known enough not to ask me why I wanted to go home.
I took the redeye and climbed into my own bed around three o’clock this morning.
I opened one eye and stared at the clock across the room.
Having a clock in my room was imperative and obnoxious.
It kept me on time. Usually. It was almost ten o’clock.
While it didn’t feel like enough sleep, I didn’t come home to sleep all day.
I grabbed my phone to check for messages.
Nothing. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to find a message from Mitch or not.
He had texted only once since our blowup.
The message made zero sense and had come in after midnight.
I was chalking it up to him being drunk.
I could practically hear him slurring through the typed words.
I called my dad. He had no idea I was coming home. “Good afternoon,” he answered.
That was what he did when I was in a different time zone. “Actually, it’s good morning,” I said.
“Morning. Did you guys move from the west coast?”
“I’m actually at home,” I told him.
“Home? Where?”
“My home.” I laughed.
“You’re home?”
“Dad, I’m home. I was wondering if we could rent a movie and have dinner tonight.”
“You know I’m not going to reject that offer.” He laughed. “Why are you home? You didn’t tell me you were coming.”
“It was a last-minute thing. I got home around three.”
“How long are you home?” he asked.
“Just a few days,” I told him. “I’m going to do some laundry and catch up on my mail. I’ll pick up Chinese and be there at five. Find a good movie.”
“I’m so glad you’re home,” he said. “I’ll find something good.”
After hanging up with him, I climbed out of bed and headed for the kitchen.
“Shit.” I didn’t have anything in the fridge.
The cupboards were just as bare. I opened the freezer and found some frozen waffles.
I didn’t feel like getting dressed and ready to go to the store.
I splurged and did a quick grocery order.
I was a little dependent on the ginger ale.
I wasn’t entirely sure I needed it, but I didn’t want to risk not having it.
I spent a leisurely morning dusting and doing laundry before heading out. I picked up the Chinese food, which was the same order we always had for these little get-togethers. He and I tried to have at least one dinner together every month. It wasn’t always possible.
I knocked once before opening the door to his house. My childhood home. It was probably worth a fortune now, but he had no intention of selling. He paid off the mortgage three years ago and now lived a life of leisure for the most part.
“There you are,” he said. He gave me a big bearhug. “It’s so good to see you. I hate when you’re gone.”
“Me too,” I said and fought back tears for no reason at all. “Let’s eat. I’m starving.”
We sat at the kitchen table that dated back to my childhood as well.
I sometimes felt like I was walking into a mausoleum.
I never gave him a hard time about it though.
We all grieved in our own way. He chose to keep my mother alive by keeping things just as she had them.
He did get new living-room furniture a few years ago.
Small steps. I wouldn’t push anything more.
We dished up and started eating. “How has it been?” he asked. “It has to be the most exciting thing to be on that team.”
I smiled and was prepared to tell him all about the highlights. I’d been practicing what I was going to tell him all day. But now that I was sitting here looking at him, all the emotions came bubbling to the surface. The tears slid down my cheeks completely out of control.
“Sam, what’s wrong?” he asked. He dropped his fork and jumped up to grab the box of tissues from the small table in the living room. “What happened. Are you still working? Did you get fired?”
I shook my head. “No,” I managed to get out. “It’s just been—oh, Dad.”
He sat back down and quietly waited for me to compose myself. I had no intention of telling him my secret, but now that I was sitting across from him, I wanted to tell him.
“Take a minute,” he said. “Take a deep breath.”
I blew out a breath and fanned my hand in front of my face. “I’m pregnant.”
He stared at me with his mouth agape. “Pregnant.”
“I know this isn’t what you expected,” I said.
He rubbed his face and shook his head. “I don’t know what to say. You’re pregnant. With a baby.”
“Well it’s not a horse.” I laughed and immediately started crying again.
“Samantha,” he sighed. “Pregnant. Are you happy about this? How am I supposed to be feeling right now?”
I had to laugh. I wiped my tears. “I would like for you to be happy, but I understand you might have other feelings.”
“Can I ask how far along you are?”
“Almost two months,” I answered.
He looked puzzled. “That’s about as long as you have been gone.”
“Yes,” I said and looked down at my plate. I was a little ashamed to confess I’d gotten myself knocked up almost immediately. Even I thought I had a little more resolve than that.
“I don’t want to pry, but can I ask who?”
I swallowed and realized this was a conversation that was going to happen whether I was ready for it or not. “His name is Mitch,” I said.
“And is this someone on the crew? Did you meet him while you were at a show?”
“He’s—” I was almost embarrassed to admit I had fallen for a flyboy. My dad knew their reputations. Everyone in the industry did. “He’s a pilot,” I said.
“A pilot?”
“Number Five,” I said in a small voice.
His eyes widened. “Dice!”
“Yes, that’s him.”
“Are you two together?” he asked.
I started crying again. “I don’t know. I made a mess of things. I’m up and down and all over the place with these hormones.”
He took a deep breath and picked up his fork. “Tell me what happened.”
“You’ve seen his flying,” I said. “He’s reckless.
He’s dangerous. He’s always taking risks he doesn’t need to.
We had a fight after one of the shows. We didn’t speak for a while.
We ended up talking again and he promised me he wasn’t going to take such risks again.
The very next show, he did exactly that.
I got so mad, I grounded him. We had a huge fight in front of everyone. ”
“Does the rest of the crew know about your relationship?” he asked.
“No. No one knows. Well, Medusa knows and I suspect Watch Dog knows. No one else though. I don’t want anyone to know. In fact, it’s why we stopped talking initially. We decided we would give the relationship a try after the season was over.”
“Give it a try?” he asked. “You’re having his baby. I think the giving it a try has already passed you by. Doesn’t he want to be a part of the child’s life?”
I grimaced. “He doesn’t know about the baby,” I said.
“What?” The shock on his face was apparent. “He doesn’t know?”
“No. I didn’t want to tell him before I was sure it was for real. And then I didn’t want to tell him and throw off his game before a flight. He doesn’t know about the baby and I’m not sure I can tell him.”
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t know how to tell him,” I said. “I don’t know how he will take the news.”
“He doesn’t know but you got into a fight with him because he was taking risks?” he asked with confusion.
“Yes, because I know I’m pregnant,” I reasoned.
“Sam, you have to tell him,” he said. “It’s not fair for you to keep it from him. You want him to be careful because you want him to see his child, right?”
“Yes, but?—”
“Sam, this is not your decision to make,” he said. “Do you want to have a relationship with this man?”
“I think I do, but I can’t be with someone who might be gone tomorrow because he’s reckless. I don’t want to have to tell our child his or her daddy is dead because he took a risk he didn’t need to.”
“You can’t save anyone from death,” he said. “If it’s coming, it’s coming. If he knew he had a child on the way, he might very well decide to stop taking the risks of his own accord. Do you care about this man?”
“I do,” I said. “I’m just not sure it would ever work between us.”
“I hate to point out the obvious, but you’ve only known this man a couple months. Most people know each other a while before they decide to bring a child into the world. I think no matter how this shakes out, you need to have some kind of a relationship with him.”
“I know,” I sighed. “This whole thing just spiraled out of control. I feel so foolish. I knew better and I did it anyway.”
“I know you, Sam. I know how logical you are. This situation you’re in is the product of you not being logical and methodical for the first time in your life.
I have to assume this man is very special.
Trust your gut instinct. There was clearly something about him that made you forget all about your usual rules. I want you to be happy.”
“I wasn’t going to keep it from him forever,” I said. “I just wanted to wait until the time was right.”
“There’s never going to be a right time,” he said. “You know you have to tell him.”
“I know,” I sighed.
“And I think you owe it to yourself, your child, and the child’s father to talk about what you both want,” he said.
“Don’t run away because it’s hard or uncomfortable.
Think back to what drew you to him in the first place.
Think about why you got angry with him for taking a risk.
Ignore the hurt feelings and sit down with this man and figure out your future. ”
He was right. I wasn’t a coward. I fought to get where I was and that was a lot harder than a conversation with one man. “You’re right, Dad. I will talk to him. I don’t want to stress him out. I really have no idea how he’ll take this news.”
“I don’t think it matters,” he said. “You’ve been carrying this secret alone long enough.
If it stresses him out, too bad. He was as much a part of making this child as you were.
You don’t need to protect him. He’s a big boy.
If finding out he has a child on the way ruins his ability to fly, he’s really not fit to be a pilot. ”
I smiled at his staunch defense of me. “He’s a good pilot. A great pilot. Maybe one of the best.”
“Then I would suggest you trust him enough to tell him about the baby. I have a feeling he would make the decision to cut back on the extra risks all on his own. When you find out you’re going to be a parent, your perspective changes. I’m sure you’ve come to realize that.”
“Yes,” I said. “You’re right. I have felt a shift in my life. Everything has changed. I’m thinking about finding a job that keeps me in town. I don’t want to travel with a baby. I have to be a mom. I might have to be a mom and dad.”
“You know I’m always going to be here to help you,” he said.
“Are you happy about this?” I asked him.
His face lit up. “I’m overjoyed. I’ll temper my happiness if you need some time to get your head around the idea of being a mommy. I can promise you I’ve been waiting to be a grandpa for quite some time.”