Chapter 22
HUDSON
Igrabbed a soda from the fridge and sat down on the couch.
I sipped the sugary drink while staring out the window.
The remnants of the dream were lingering in my head.
Flashes of Murray on the street in a land no American soldier should ever be in were front and center.
Then there was the dignified transfer at Dover.
The flag-draped coffin was forever burned into my brain.
The funeral. His mom sobbing. His brother looking at me with such disappointment it actually felt like it cut me.
I could have just told her. I could have admitted that yes, I had a nightmare. It was strange because the actual incident happened ten years earlier. There had been the occasional nightmare since then, but since I’d been out, it was nightly.
Murray’s death was the most frequent, but there were plenty of other incidents I would have preferred to put far behind me. It felt like I was weak, like I couldn’t put away the memories and that it somehow made me less than a man.
I checked the time and decided to follow Natalie’s advice.
Gus said I could call him anytime, day or night.
I wasn’t sure I was ready to talk details.
I didn’t think details were necessary. He would know.
If I said it was bad, he would leave it alone.
Maybe. I supposed I was looking for a second opinion.
Natalie seemed a little more worked up than I thought was necessary.
But what if she was right and I was wrong? Was this worse than I thought it was?
I made the call. Gus agreed to meet me before the scheduled meeting at a small coffee shop off the beaten path. “I ordered you a black coffee and a muffin,” he said when I walked in.
“I’m not hungry, but thanks. I could use some coffee.”
He looked at me as I took my seat. “And you’ll need to eat that muffin. I’m going to guess you haven’t eaten today.”
“I haven’t been up all that long,” I said, shrugging. “It was a late night.”
“And what did you have for dinner last night before you went to the party?” He asked the question like he already knew the answer. I didn’t get the feeling he was trying to lecture me or scold me.
“It was a busy day,” I muttered.
“I mean this in the best way possible. You look like shit. Another rough night?”
“Technically, it was a rough morning. My night was fine. But I woke up to another nightmare. I took a shower like I always do.”
“Cold sweat?” he asked.
I nodded. “Yes. I had a friend over. I went back to sleep, and it was another version of the same nightmare.”
“Nightmare or memory?” he asked.
“Memory,” I admitted. “I guess I was pretty restless in my sleep. It bothered her. She couldn’t wake me up. When she did, I was a little disorientated.”
“Did you hurt her?” he asked without judgment once again. He knew. He knew what I was dealing with. That gave me some comfort. I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t a total freak. Other people did this same thing.
“No,” I answered firmly. “I didn’t hurt her.
But she’s afraid I might. I think she’s freaking out over nothing.
I was restless and kicked the blankets around.
She said I was yelling in my sleep. When she woke me, I wasn’t quite ready for it and I was startled.
I didn’t hit her, but I did fall off the bed. ”
He didn’t laugh. He didn’t smile. He looked concerned. He leaned forward with his arms resting on the table. “You scared her.”
“I guess,” I said, shrugging. “I wouldn’t hurt her. Not intentionally.”
“Doesn’t have to be,” he said with a shake of his head. “You know how this happens. You can’t tell me you haven’t heard of other guys accidentally hurting a loved one. Sometimes, it isn’t necessarily an accident. Sometimes, a guy forgets who he is and where he is.”
“Like the fight,” I said with a sigh.
“Like the fight. What happened with the girl?”
“She left and pretty much told me not to bother calling until I had this sorted,” I said. “She’s pissed at me.”
“For?”
“Because I didn’t want to talk about it and have some big conversation,” I said. “There’s no point in rehashing all of it.”
“I think it’s safe to say you like this woman, correct?”
“Yes.”
“As in, you’re thinking it could be serious?” he pushed.
“Could be. But I think I might have shot myself in the foot with that situation. She was pissed and walked out. I should have apologized. I didn’t.”
“Do you think she is going to cut and run after one nightmare?” he asked.
“Yep,” I said, nodding. “She already did.”
“Why do I think there might have been an ultimatum of some sort?” he asked with a small smile.
I smirked. “There was.”
“And?”
“She suggested I talk to someone,” I said. “She mentioned there was something in her past that had her concerned with my behavior.”
“Do you think she might have good reason to worry?” he asked.
“I would never hurt her,” I said vehemently. “Absolutely not. Never.”
“Intentionally,” he countered.
“Can’t say I’ve ever had a woman in my bed all night,” I admitted. “And honestly, I don’t think I had these kinds of nightmares when I was in. It feels like they’ve just started. Or maybe I never realized it before.”
“I’m not a shrink, but I do hope you will consider talking to one,” he said.
“I’m just a dude that’s seen some shit. Maybe not the same shit you’ve seen, but we all have our own stories.
I think we can agree we’ve all been involved in some stuff we’d rather not remember.
But I’ve also heard that once you say it aloud, it dissolves a lot quicker. It might be bullshit. It might not be.”
“I really don’t feel like I’m broken,” I told him. “I’ve seen guys that have lost it. I’ve seen the breakdowns. I’m not there. It’s a few bad memories manifesting in my dreams.”
“I’m guessing she thinks it’s a bigger deal,” he said.
“And if you want to be with her, you have to at least consider what she’s saying.
She’s going to need some reassurance. You might not think it’s a big deal, but she does.
She’s the one laying next to you when one of those nightmares is playing out in your head.
You’re not a small guy. I’m sure she’s worried she’s about to get her ass handed to her in the middle of the night. ”
“She said she’s trying to protect me from the guilt of hurting her,” I said, sighing.
“Sounds like she’s trying to save you from yourself.”
I blew out a breath. “I suppose I screwed up.”
“I’m sure it’s nothing that can’t be fixed,” he said. “Maybe an apology and a promise to get some help will go a long way. Unless you don’t want to be with her. I guess you need to decide if you’re going to eat crow and apologize or let her go.”
“I get it,” I said, nodding. “Do you think they’ll go away?”
“The nightmares?”
“Yes,” I said. “Does it get better?”
“Absolutely,” he said. “Assuming you work through it. If you don’t deal with it, it’s going to haunt you. Again, I don’t think it would hurt to seek professional help.”
“I think I’d like to see if I can ride through this,” I said. “I know myself. It’s a memory that I have to live with. It’s not going to go away no matter how much I talk about it.”
“Maybe you’re not ready for a relationship,” he suggested. “You’re fresh out of the brotherhood. Give yourself some time.”
He was probably right. I hit the ground running and I had yet to learn to walk. She was right to take a step back, but I owed her an apology. “I think you’re probably right,” I said. “I’ll apologize and let her know I understand why she dumped me.”
He laughed and took a drink. “Maybe not quite like that.”
“Yeah, probably not,” I said.
“Want to grab a late lunch?” he asked. “We can go to the group meeting together and maybe grab a drink after.”
He was trying to keep me from being alone.
I’d been through the same training. “Maybe a drink tonight. I’m going to go over and make my apology.
If she’ll let me, I’ll buy her lunch. I still want to be friends with the woman.
Hopefully, once all this shit clears up, there will be a chance we can try again. ”
“I think that’s a very good plan,” he said, nodding.
“Thanks for meeting with me on such short notice,” I said. “I really appreciate it.”
“Anytime. I’ll be at the pub after the meeting. If I don’t see you before then, come on by.”
“I will, thanks,” I said.
I took a last drink of my coffee before walking out of the coffee shop. In a way, I was glad I didn’t have wheels yet. The walking was what I needed to clear my head. It was also keeping me in shape until I could get back into a workout routine.
Since I signed the papers that retired me, I had felt a little lost. I was floating through life. I didn’t have an anchor. If I was going to self-diagnosis myself, I could blame the increase in nightmares to the feeling of being a little lost.
I had moved too fast with Natalie. That was my fault.
I should have known I wasn’t ready for something like that.
But I was a man. A man with needs and being around her had been too much to resist. I couldn’t get enough of her.
I wanted her all the time. I craved her.
Now that I had her, it was going to be hard to stay away. I had to. I had to give her some space.
I could hear music blaring as I approached her front door. I knocked once and didn’t get an answer. I doubted she could hear me over the music. I rang the doorbell. The music got quieter. She pulled open the door. Her hair was pulled back and she was wearing a pair of shorts and a baggy shirt.
“What?” she asked.
“Can we talk?”
“I’m busy,” she said, sighing.
“Doing?”
“Cleaning,” she replied.
“You don’t think you could stop for a minute?” I asked while trying not to smile.
“I don’t know if I should bother,” I said. “Honestly, what’s the point? I think we’ve said what we needed to say.”
“I haven’t,” I said. “I’d like to apologize for not listening to you. You were right. This is an issue. I’m going to work on it. I just met with Gus. While I’m not quite ready to run off to a head shrinker, I am going to take it seriously. I promise I would never do anything to hurt you.”
Her shoulders sagged. “I know. I don’t want to put myself in the way and put us both in a situation that could only end badly.
If by some crazy chance something did happen, it would be a problem.
If Hux got wind of it, that would cause even more issues.
I care about you. I don’t want you to suffer.
I just don’t know how to help if you don’t want to talk about it. ”
“I do,” I said. “I will talk. I was thinking we could spend some time together facing our fears.”
“Facing our fears?” she asked.
“Yes. Together. Me and you.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she replied.
“Grab your shoes and I’ll show you.”