Chapter 28
HUDSON
“Thank you,” I said and greedily pulled the plate toward me.
Hux and I were grabbing a burger at the pub after spending some time going over a business plan for my employment agency of sorts.
Hux was the guy to ask. He started his own business and knew what I needed to do.
It was a little strange to be getting advice from my little brother.
Thankfully, he wasn’t making a big deal about it.
“Damn,” I said with a mouthful. “I forget how good the burgers are.”
Hux nodded while chewing. “Best in Maine.”
“Scoot over,” Teresa said to Hux. She slid into the booth beside him with her own plate. “Did you guys come up with a business plan?”
“We did,” I said, nodding. “Still needs a little fine tuning, but I’m in a better spot now than I was yesterday.”
“Speaking of,” Teresa said. The words were very pregnant with questions and expectations.
“What?” I said, sighing.
“Did you tell Huxley about your big day out with Natalie?” she teased.
“Of course,” I said, nodding. “Like she wasn’t going to tell him.”
“It’s amazing,” Hux said, nodding. “She was so different today. I saw a glimpse of my old friend. I can’t believe you got her to go out.”
“She is the type of person that needs to help,” I said. “She wanted to help me.”
“And did she?” Teresa asked gently.
“If you’re asking if I slept last night, I did,” I said. “I’m not going to say I didn’t have some rough moments, but I slept like I normally do.”
“Are you going to keep going to those meetings?” Hux asked.
“Yes,” I said, shrugging. “I think. I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ll keep going to the meetings, but I’m sure I’ll keep talking to Gus. He’s a good guy.”
“Yes, he is,” Teresa said, smiling.
“I think you should keep going to the meetings,” Hux said.
“Why?”
“Because you don’t want to lose the progress you’re making,” he said.
“I don’t know that I’ve made progress,” I said.
“What do you mean?” Teresa asked with concern.
“I mean I wouldn’t say I’m any different than I was two weeks ago when I walked off base the last time,” I said. “It still feels like I’m on leave. I keep expecting to wake up, put on my fatigues and head back to base. This doesn’t really feel like home.”
“Hey,” Hux protested. “We’re here. You’re home.”
“The other night, I was lying in bed and I heard a noise,” I said. “I reached for my gun, only to realize I didn’t have it. I wasn’t in the bush or in some camp with guys looking to kill me. I had to take a minute to remind myself that was the old life.”
“So, you’re still having some dreams,” Hux said.
“No, I’m having some second thoughts about my decision.”
Teresa’s mouth dropped open and she shook her head. “No, you’re here. This is where you belong. This is where you should be. Give yourself some time to acclimate. You’ve been away for a while. You’ll remember what it was like to live here.”
“It’s just weird to know my team will be working soon,” I said. “They’ll be going out on a mission and I won’t be there to have their backs. What if something happens because I’m not there?”
“There are how many teams?” Hux asked. “How many missions have been run before you and will continue to run after you? I think you might be giving yourself a little too much credit.”
“I know I’m not the savior, but I am a damn good shot and I do have a very good gut,” I argued.
“I know when shit’s about to hit the fan.
They are going to have a younger, inexperienced guy on the team to take my spot.
I was that inexperienced guy. I lost Murray.
My inexperience could have gotten the whole team killed. ”
“You can’t think like that,” Hux said. “You didn’t pull the trigger. Shit happens. That’s what you always told me. You can’t control everything. You are just one cog in a very big machine.”
I realized I did sound very arrogant. “It’s just, well, you work on a team together for so long, you don’t have to think. In a situation where every second counts, you need that familiarity. You need to be able to know someone has your back. I’m here unprotected and alone. That’s dangerous.”
“You aren’t alone,” Hux said. “We’re not exactly chopped liver. We’re your family. I don’t care how long you’ve been with your team. We’ve always been your team. We’ve been your team longer than anyone else on this planet. We’re family.”
“I know, I know,” I said.
“I don’t think you do know,” Teresa said.
“We can’t run around with our faces painted and carrying big guns, but you’re home.
You don’t need that anymore. This is your life now.
Don’t you dare pack up and leave because it isn’t what you’re used to.
I know for damn sure you don’t run from the tough stuff. ”
“I’m not running anywhere, but it’s just not something I thought I would feel,” I explained.
“When you’re in the shit with a million bug bites and mud covering your face and you haven’t slept in days, all you can think about is home.
You dream about a burger like this. You think about your family and you wonder if they’re okay.
Now, I’m here and I’m thinking about there.
Looking back at the worst days, I’m thinking they weren’t that bad. ”
“You actually would prefer to be battered, bruised, and starving with people actively hunting you to sitting here with us eating a burger?” Hux seemed to be completely disgusted and maybe even hurt.
“I’m not saying that,” I said with a sigh. “I’m just saying I feel like there are two halves of me. Two very separate halves. I don’t feel like a whole man.”
“What about Natalie?” Hux asked. “You’ve changed her life. Don’t you think she could be part of the healing salve? She can help knit those two halves together.”
“I think you’re homesick,” Teresa said. “It’s true this place hasn’t been where you have lived in several years, but it is home. You need to accept this is home and you will start to settle. Get some damn furniture.”
“And a bed,” Hux said. “You’re acting like you’re just crashing at a hotel for a couple weeks. You need to make it your home. I thought you were talking about buying a house.”
“I’m not sure,” I said.
“Listen, if you’re not serious about sticking around, you better be up front with Nat,” Hux warned. “You don’t get to swoop in, make her fall for you, then run off. I will kick your ass if you do that.”
I understood why he was warning me. I didn’t want to do that to Natalie either. I just didn’t know if I was here. Like really here. “I’m not trying to do anything,” I said.
“I think you need to give yourself some time to settle,” Teresa said. “Fix your place. Add some pictures or whatever. Get a real TV instead of that tiny little thing. That’s not a TV. Keep talking to Gus and going to the meetings. Lean into Natalie. And please, lean on us. We want you here.”
“Thanks, guys,” I said. “I appreciate it. I’m not trying to be a negative person. I know this is going to be an adjustment. I just have to figure out how to make it work.”
“What about your employment agency?” Teresa asked.
“Pour your time and energy into getting that established. That’s going to help you feel grounded.
I think you’re expecting it to be instant.
Give yourself some time to settle in. You’ve been busting your ass for a long time.
It’s time to slow down and enjoy the scenery.
Take the time to see what you’ve been missing out on all these years.
I think you’re going to see life here is pretty good. ”
“Keep serving me burgers like this and I’m going to have to get a gym membership,” I joked.
“Hey, you should,” Hux said. “We can go together. I’ve been wanting to get back into the gym thing, but it’s hard to stay motivated. It’s got to be before or after work.”
“That’s not a bad idea,” I said, nodding. “I would hate to get soft.”
Teresa rolled her eyes. “You guys are ridiculous.”
“Why don’t you meet me at the office early tomorrow?” Hux said. “We’ll put together some more of the paperwork you need to file with the state to start your business. You also need to figure out how you’re going to make money.”
“I’m good on money for now,” I said. “I’m not too worried about making money. I’ve got my retirement and my savings.”
“The idea of going into business is to make money,” Hux said dryly.
“I know, I know,” I said.
“I know why you’re hesitant,” Teresa said.
“Why?”
“Because you’re still not entirely sure this is what you want to do,” she said. “You’re still looking for an easy exit. You don’t want to commit to us, Nat, and a business because that will make it harder for you to leave.”
“I—”
She was right. There was no point in denying it. I didn’t feel settled. I didn’t feel like I was ready for any of that just yet.
“It’s fine,” Hux said. “We’ll figure it out.
You belong here. This weekend, we’ll get you set up with some furniture.
You’re going to dip into that little nest egg and set up a home.
I bet Natalie would love to go with you for a little shopping.
And she’s a woman and all that. She’ll make sure you make a nice home. ”
I smirked. “Yeah, we’ll see.”
“I’ve got to get back to work,” Teresa said. “Come by tomorrow and I’ll serve you some of our famous fish and chips. It’s something new I’ve been working on. My own secret recipe.”
“Sounds good,” I said. “I can’t wait.”
After dinner, I walked to the apartment.
Home. I walked home. I knew it was a mindset.
The sooner I accepted I was here for good, the sooner I would be able to start moving forward.
There was a huge part of my life I was leaving behind.
Hux was my brother, but my team were my brothers.
They knew me in ways Hux and Teresa didn’t.
They’d seen me close to my breaking point.
My SEAL brothers had been there to literally carry me through one of the worst days of my life.
That wasn’t a bond that just went away because a guy retired.