Chapter 40
HUDSON
Iwanted to crawl in a hole. I couldn’t believe what happened. It was my greatest fear realized. I had hurt her. I hurt the one woman who had tried to help me. The one woman who looked at me like I was her personal hero. I was no one’s hero.
My heart was still pounding in my chest. The moment I became fully conscious and aware of what I was doing was forever burned into my brain. It was another memory to add to the bank for future nightmares. The look on her face was pure terror. I had done that to her. I scared the shit out of her.
“Hudson,” she said again.
I looked up at her and didn’t miss the fact she was keeping a safe distance. “Are you okay?” I asked.
“I’m fine.”
“Your arm,” I said. My eyes dropped to her wrist that was still red from the grip I’d had on it. Pain curled in my gut. To know I had hurt her was like a knife to the heart. “I know that hold. I know what it does. Did I dislocate your shoulder?”
“No, Hudson. I’m fine. You woke up before it got bad.”
“The fuck I did,” I growled. “I would have snapped your arm in another two seconds. Trust me, I know what I was doing.”
“No, you didn’t,” she argued. “You were having a nightmare. You weren’t conscious of what you were doing. You didn’t know it was me.”
“That’s not an excuse,” I snapped. “This is bullshit. You can’t be around me. I warned you I was dangerous.”
“You are not dangerous,” she said. “You were having a nightmare and I woke you up. I knew better. I just hated to see you suffering through another nightmare. I wanted to wake you up. I should have stayed back.”
“How long?” I asked. “How long were you trying to wake me up?”
“Not long,” she said.
“I should have known this wasn’t going to work,” I said.
“You were doing so good,” she said.
She was pale and no matter what she said, I could see she was still afraid of me. It was one of the worst things in the world to see the woman you cared so much about look at you with fear. It truly felt like I had a knife slicing me from stem to stern. I wanted to rage, but that solved nothing.
“I’m not doing good,” I spat. “Seeing a counselor a couple times and going to a couple of meetings isn’t going to fix this.
I’m fucked up. I’m not going to be better for a good long while.
I might not ever be better. This is who I am.
This is my cross to bear. You can’t be around me. You have to go.”
“Hudson, I’m okay,” she said again.
“No, you aren’t,” I said. “Hold out your arm and move your fingers.”
“That isn’t necessary,” she said with a shake of her head.
“Do it or I’m dragging your ass to the hospital,” I told her.
She rolled her eyes and held out her arm. I saw the bruises already forming on her wrist. She wiggled her fingers. “See, I’m fine. No harm done.”
“I can see the bruises,” I whispered. “I could have snapped your wrist. I could have broken you and I wouldn’t have remembered doing it. I can’t be around you.”
“You didn’t snap my wrist,” she insisted. “I’m okay.”
“You’re pale and you’re still shaking,” I pointed out. “Don’t lie to me. It doesn’t change what happened here. I scared the shit out of you. Admit it.”
“I was a little scared but that’s only because I’ve never experienced it before,” she said. “I didn’t know what to do. But you woke up.”
I looked at her, then touched my cheek. It was tingling. “How did I wake up?”
“You don’t remember?”
“I don’t,” I said with a shake of my head.
“I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” I questioned. “Why in the hell are you sorry?”
“I slapped you,” she murmured. “I didn’t know what to do.”
“Don’t be sorry,” I said. “I wish you would have broken my fucking nose. That’s what I deserve.”
“No, you don’t,” she insisted. “You weren’t doing it. It was the nightmare. It’s the PTSD. You didn’t do anything. I know that. I know you would never hurt me. You don’t have it in you.”
“You need to go,” I said.
“What?”
“You need to go home,” I said. I got up and grabbed her clothes. “Get dressed. You need to go home.”
“It’s four o’clock in the morning,” she said. “I’m not going home.”
“You can’t stay here,” I said. “You have to go.”
“Hudson, relax. I’ll sleep on the couch if that makes you feel better. I’m not going home.”
“You have to leave, Natalie. You can’t be here. I don’t trust myself not to hurt you. You need to go home and stay far away from me.”
“You know you don’t want me to do that,” she said, sighing. “I’m okay. You didn’t hurt me. Nothing happened.”
“Look at your arm!”
She held it up. “It’s fine.” She twirled her arm and wiggled her fingers. “I’m perfectly fine. A bruise is not bad. It’ll fade in a couple hours.”
“Don’t you understand what could have happened?” I asked her.
“Nothing did happen. That’s the important thing here.”
“Natalie, I could have killed you.” The words were physically painful to say.
“Don’t you understand who I am? What I am?
I have killed before. I have been in hand-to-hand combat more times than I can count.
I don’t even have to think. I just do it.
I am not a man you want to be unhinged in your presence. ”
“You are not unhinged,” she argued. “You had a bad dream, and it gave you a bad reaction. You snapped out of it. That’s what you should be focusing on. You didn’t do anything.”
“I can’t,” I said with a shake of my head.
“I can’t do this. I told you before that I couldn’t do this.
I’m not in any shape to be in a relationship.
There is nothing about this situation that is okay or normal.
I didn’t want to do this with you. I told you I was not the man for you.
You’re not going to talk me out of this.
Even my counselor said a serious relationship right now might not be a good idea.
I think we both need to realize he’s right. ”
“I’m not going anywhere,” she said and stomped her foot. “I don’t give up. I’m not giving up on you. I know there is going to be some hard times, but I’m ready for it. This is something I’m prepared to deal with.”
“I’m not,” I said. “I’m sorry, but this is over. I never should have let you convince me this could ever work out.”
“Hudson, stop,” she begged. There were tears in her eyes. It sucked to cause her pain, but emotional pain, she would heal from. I didn’t think she would recover from the other pain I might inflict on her.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “This is for the best. You’ll see that soon enough. I can’t sleep with you.”
“Fine,” she said and threw up her hands. “We won’t spend the night together. We’ll start from the beginning. We’ll have dinner and go out on the weekends. We don’t have to sleep in the same bed. We’ll work up to that. You’ll keep seeing the counselor and things will get better.”
“I am not willing to take that risk,” I said.
“Do you think you’ll attack me in the middle of the day?” she said.
“Natalie, you aren’t hearing me. You need to listen to me.
I’m telling you I am in no condition to be around you.
Hell, I’m probably not in any condition to be around anyone.
I’m damaged goods. I’ve got some shit going on in my head that I can’t fix.
I can’t control it. You have to leave me alone.
I cannot be with you. I won’t be with you.
It isn’t safe. I would absolutely die if I hurt you again. Don’t put me in that position.”
“I’m not in any position,” she said. “I’m where I want to be. We have a good time together. Don’t act like you don’t care about me. I know you want this just as much as I do.”
“Having a good time with you doesn’t erase all the other stuff,” I said. “We had a nice dinner but then I almost killed you. Great steak does not negate the almost-murder. You have to see that.”
“I understand you’re upset,” she said calmly. “It was a disturbing situation, but it’s over. We’re okay. Why don’t we just get back in bed and we’ll talk about this tomorrow?”
“No.” I grabbed her clothes and pushed them at her. “I need you to leave.”
“No thanks.”
“Excuse me?” I asked with shock.
“No. I’m not leaving.”
I didn’t want to be a dick and actually throw her out, but she couldn’t stay with me. I couldn’t be around her. “Natalie, please,” I said. “If you care about me, you’ll go.”
“I care about you, which is why I want to stay.”
“You are a beautiful, kind woman that I would love nothing more than to be with,” I said. “I can’t. Period. That’s it. It’s not going to happen.”
“Oh, I’m supposed to just accept that?” she said.
“You pull me into your orbit, make me want you, and now you’re going to kick me to the curb.
You say you’re doing this for me. If that’s the case, then I think I should get to decide what’s best for me.
I told you before, I’m not a child. I can make up my own mind. ”
“Be honest with yourself,” I said. I was going to switch tactics.
“We talked about a future together. Am I really the guy you want to leave your children alone with? Do you really want to be shackled to a man that might have a nightmare and hurt you? How would you ever get any sleep? How would you ever be able to sleep again? You would always be looking at me with worry. You would be wary of me. I don’t want my kids to have to fear me. ”
“That is so far down the road,” she said. “You will get better.”
“You don’t know that,” I said. “Please don’t make me throw you out of here.”
She gasped and looked at me wide eyed. “Fine,” she snapped. “I’ll go. I don’t know why you think you’re going to be better off here all by yourself, but whatever.”
She started snatching up her things. She stomped out of my bedroom in her bare feet. She grabbed her purse and pulled out her keys.
“Shouldn’t you put some clothes on?” I asked.
She was wearing a silky pair of pajamas pants and a top that was next to nothing. It was cool outside. She had her shoes in her hand and her clothes half-hanging out of the bag she had brought over days earlier.
“Don’t act like you care,” she snapped. She jerked at my front door. The deadbolt stopped her from opening it. She pulled several times.
“I’ll get it,” I said.
I flipped the lock. She pulled open the door and walked out. I followed her out to her car. “Go away,” she hissed.
“Will you put your jacket on?” I asked.
“No!”
She opened her car door and tossed her things into the passenger side. “Move your hand or it will get slammed in the door,” she ordered.
I took a step back. She started the car and threw it in reverse without looking at me.
I saw the tears on her face. Hurting her was the last thing I wanted to do, but I was convinced hurting her this way now was better than hurting her much worse tomorrow.
I went back into my apartment and locked the door.
Her absence left me feeling empty inside.
Emptier than I had ever felt in my life.
Going back to bed was not an option. Not only did I have her absence hanging in the room like a dark cloud, but I had the remnants of the nightmare clinging to me.
I didn’t dare tell her about the dream. It had been another memory.
The memory involved a successful mission, but it wasn’t without blood being spilled.
It was one of the more violent encounters I had ever experienced.
It was a memory I kept repressed for the most part.
Until today. It was one of those sneak attacks.
I hated the way things went with Natalie, but I believed it was for the best. I couldn’t sleep next to her knowing I could truly hurt her.