Chapter 45
NATALIE
Iwoke to the sound of a rooster crowing. Then another one. I smiled and stretched out my arms. The warm quilt felt good. I could smell coffee and knew my aunt was already up.
She apparently got up with the sun most days. That was a little early for me, but it made her happy. I grabbed my phone to check the time. It was almost six, which meant it was eight back home. I didn’t usually sleep that late.
I got up and went downstairs. The big cabin was so cozy and the perfect mountain escape. I could certainly see the appeal of living in a place like this. It was beautiful and quiet. The air was so clean. The only thing I could smell was pine trees. Pine and hay. And maybe some grass.
“Good morning,” Aunt Linda said, smiling.
“Hello. Is Mom up yet?”
“No, not yet,” she answered. “Coffee is ready. I’ll make some breakfast after I feed the animals.”
“I’ll help you,” I said.
“You don’t have to do that,” she said. “You’re a guest.”
“I want to,” I said. “It’ll be fun. Besides, I’d like to meet the horses.”
“Are you thinking about going for a ride?” she asked.
“It’s been a long time, but I think I remember the basics,” I said. “It’ll be fun. When in Montana, be in Montana.” I laughed.
“Absolutely. Drink coffee and we’ll go out.”
I did what she said and followed her out to the barn.
She had six horses. We threw them some hay and made sure they had fresh water.
Then it was time to feed the chickens that were seriously louder than I could have ever imagined chickens being.
While the chickens went crazy with their food, Aunt Linda and I collected the eggs.
Her old heeler dog came out of the house just as we were coming onto the porch. “Thanks for the help, Blue,” I said with a laugh.
The dog yawned and scratched behind his ear without a care in the world. We went inside and made breakfast together. Mom came downstairs with a smile on her face. I recognized that smile now. “Have you been talking to your lover?” I teased.
“Stop.” She blushed.
“What are you two doing up and moving so early?” she asked. “I thought we were sleeping in.”
“The animals don’t know the meaning of sleeping in,” Linda replied.
We sat down at the old scarred wooden table to enjoy our breakfast. Aunt Linda was always busy, but it also seemed like she took it slow and easy.
“Are you going to go for a ride with us, Mom?” I asked.
“Oh goodness, it has been years since I’ve been on a horse,” she said, laughing.
“Me too,” I replied. “You should come with us. Aunt Linda said there’s a nice, easy trail we should be able to manage.”
“Okay, if you’re going to do it, I will too.”
We cleaned up the kitchen and changed for the ride.
I trusted my aunt to lead us on a gentle ride.
She helped us saddle the horses and gave us a quick reminder on the basics of riding.
The horses were very gentle and followed Aunt Linda in the lead.
We followed along at a slow clip. I took the time to really appreciate my surroundings.
It was so quiet. Usually, I was used to the sound of the waves and the birds that were always hollering.
There was an occasional cry from a bird overhead, but other than that, it was silent. It gave a person a lot of time to think, especially when it was only their thoughts they could hear. I thought about Hudson a lot. He was never far from my thoughts.
Riding a horse was a lot like being on a boat. The same rocking motion was very soothing. The power of the horse between my legs was also like being behind the wheel of one of the large sailboats. It was a nice, steady ride.
Back at the house, I took a quick shower and went back downstairs. Mom and Aunt Linda were on the back porch with fresh lemonade. I took a seat in one of the comfortable chairs and leaned back. In a way, I could feel myself healing already.
“Have you heard from him?” Mom asked.
“Who?” I asked like I didn’t know.
“The man you’re running away from,” Aunt Linda replied
“No,” I answered. “I don’t want to. I have my phone off. Hux knows he can email me if there is something pressing with work.”
“Are you afraid to talk to him?” Mom asked.
“No,” I said. “I just need to make a clean break. I came out here to avoid seeing him.”
“I thought you came out here to see me,” Aunt Linda joked.
“That too,” I said, laughing. “I’m thrilled to be here. I can’t believe it has taken me this long to get here. I wish I would have come sooner.”
“Me too,” she replied. “Tell us what happened with this young man. Your mom gave me some of the basics.”
“There isn’t a lot to say,” I said, shrugging.
“He’s an old friend from childhood. He got back from the military and we hit it off.
Unfortunately, he brought back a case of PTSD.
The last night we were together, he had a bad dream.
I woke him up, but he wasn’t really awake.
He grabbed my arm in some move. I slapped him, which woke him up.
He was horrified by what he had done. Ultimately, he decided it was too dangerous for me to be with him.
He ended things. That was that. I thought we had something special.
Apparently, he did not feel the same way.
I saw him at work, and he acted like he didn’t know me.
I don’t know how he can just turn it off.
I think I have to assume he never cared for me the way I cared for him.
My silly self went and fell in love with a man that didn’t want me. Live and learn.”
“Fell in love?” Mom asked.
I had been going back and forth, unsure if that was really what it was. During all my self-introspection, I realized it was love. “Yes,” I said, sighing. “I’m not proud of it. I wish I could have stopped it from happening, but it did. It happened and now I get to pay the price.”
“I don’t think there is a price to pay for love,” Aunt Linda said. “Love is beautiful. It’s a wonderful thing.”
“It is, but it’s also very painful,” I said.
“Does he know how you feel about him?” Mom asked.
“Oh gosh, no,” I gasped. “The last thing that man needs is me getting all touchy feely with him. He’s a big manly man. He is not going to want to hear about feelings.”
“Maybe that’s what he needs to hear,” Aunt Linda said. “He needs to know how you feel.”
“I tried to tell him I was committed to the relationship,” I said.
“He had made up his mind. Before things got serious, he tried to push me away. I think he knew he was never going to love me. But I get it in my head to do something and that’s that.
I basically forced him to be with me. He kept telling me no, and I kept saying yes.
Things were good. We were having a good time together.
He was talking to a counselor. I really thought things were moving in the right direction. ”
“I’m sure they still could,” Mom said. “Did he give you any hints that he might be thinking of something a little more serious?”
“We talked about our future together,” I said.
“We talked about having three kids and growing old together. We laughed about my boobs sagging to my knees and him losing his hair. I guess I read way too much into that conversation apparently. He was joking. I thought he meant he actually wanted something real.”
“Men can get spooked pretty easily,” Aunt Linda said.
“You guys were both married young,” I said. “How’d you get them to marry you?”
“Witchcraft,” Mom said deadpan.
“I’m serious,” I said. “I’m thirty-four. Hudson is the first man I’ve even thought about being serious with. I gave him my heart and he gave me the boot. He very literally pushed me out the door and that was that.”
“I would say the fact he pushed you away because he was worried about hurting you is probably a good sign he does feel for you,” Mom said. “If he didn’t care, he’d keep enjoying the perks of you being in his bed.”
That was true. “I think he cares about me, but I don’t think he loves me. If he loved me, he would be willing to work at getting better with me being in his corner.”
“Didn’t you tell me the man was excruciatingly private?” Mom asked.
“Yes.”
“And he’s a former SEAL,” Aunt Linda said, nodding. “He’s a man used to being strong and tough. A man who has built his identity on being strong and capable.”
I didn’t know what they were getting at. All of that was true. “Yes, and?”
“And right now, he’s weak,” Mom said gently. “He’s probably the weakest he’s ever been in his life. He’s vulnerable. Men have a very hard time being vulnerable.”
“We all do,” Aunt Linda said. “After Charles died, I was very vulnerable. The more vulnerable I was, the more I put up walls. Imagine an egg without a shell. You were young when your father died, but I imagine you had a moment or two. It’s our natural instinct to protect ourselves.
He’s exposed and vulnerable. He doesn’t have the safety net of his team or his gear. He’s putting up walls.”
“But I was helping him,” I protested. “At least I thought I was. Maybe I was making it worse.”
“I imagine he appreciated all the love and care you gave him,” Mom said.
“He might come to his senses. He needs to work through this. You can’t fix him.
That doesn’t mean he’s broken for good. It doesn’t mean your relationship is irrevocably broken.
Patience. Lots of patience. That’s what it takes to make a relationship work. ”
“I would think the participation of the other party in the relationship is also important,” I said dryly. “He simply does not want me. The man is stubborn as an ox.”
“Sounds like someone I know,” Aunt Linda teased.
“I’m not denying it,” I said. “But it’s my stubbornness that got us in this mess. I should have listened to him the first time, but I had to have my way.”
“Sometimes, you have to be persistent,” Aunt Linda said, smiling. “They joke about cavemen clubbing a woman over the head, but I think it’s more likely it was the other way around. Us ladies need to club a stubborn man in the head to knock some sense into them.”
“That’s so true,” I said, sighing.
“You know you’re welcome to stay as long as you want,” Aunt Linda said. “I am so glad you are both here, but I have to caution you from running from a problem. You come from a long line of strong women. We don’t run. We stand and fight for what we want.”
“I’m not running,” I argued.
They both looked at me.
“Okay, I might be running a little bit. I just need to get my wits about me. Talk about being without a shell. That’s how I felt when I was at work.
He was all handsome and normal, and I was crushed.
I couldn’t be around him and watch him smiling and being normal.
He couldn’t have cared less about me. Once I get my bearings, develop a little bit of a shell, then I can return. But then again, I do like it here.”
“You would shrivel up if you weren’t near the sea,” Mom chided.
“Which is ironic considering she wouldn’t go near the water for two decades,” Aunt Linda joked.
“Very funny,” I said. “See? Hudson helped me. Why won’t he let me help him?”
“Because he’s stubborn,” Mom said. “Plain and simple. You either wait him out or you walk away.”
“I walked away,” I said quietly.